38. Wren
WREN
Pulling the sleeves of my hoodie down over my hands, I lean against the pier’s railing, the air from the ocean hitting my face.
Shutting down over results I don’t even know probably isn’t the most ideal way to handle this situation. Neither is ignoring my best friend or Kai, but I just needed a minute to get my head back in order.
I’ve never felt a stronger calling than the one I felt toward being a mom. Nothing is even concrete; my mind is just full of unknowns, my life holding even more.
It feels like a choice has been ripped away from me before I even know if that’s a fact.
I wish I had never opened the results. I wish they didn’t allow people to open those alone before they could speak to their medical team, before they could have someone to ease their worries or to at least comfort them if it truly wasn’t good news.
Instead, seeing them gives you the opportunity to look up the worst-case scenarios. For your brain to run wild and morph those unknowns into fears that could be your reality, even if it wasn’t born from facts, but from feelings.
I look out over the ocean, watching the waves lap at the base of the pier.
Standing in this same spot five years ago, I took a picture of Kai.
He was leaning against the railing, just like I am now.
He was smiling just slightly, his eyes still bright with the laughter that had escaped him just moments before.
The sun was setting, the lights along the wooden railing starting to glow, painting the perfect picture of everything I loved.
That one picture is what had piqued my interest in photography. As the years went by after that, I enjoyed seeing how different lighting could change the feeling within a photo, capturing every perfect moment, or even the soul-crushing ones.
He bought me my first good camera for Christmas my sophomore year and was a willing muse for those next eighteen months. I photographed him on the ice, his teammates quickly asking for pictures of themselves as well.
Next thing I knew, I had gotten myself a spot on the school paper, in charge of taking photos at all the school sporting events I could.
I still love it, even now. It’s the only other thing that has ever come close to feeling like something I wanted to pursue, but it’s always felt empty in a way.
Maybe because I didn’t have the last puzzle piece making me whole again.
And now I do. Or did? I don’t know.
If I can’t give Kai the future he wants, the one he’s dreamed about, openly and unabashedly for years, who am I to hold him back from finding someone who can?
My eyes threaten tears again, and I quickly wipe them away.
Sometimes I really wish I could wrangle my brain, maybe force it to not always jump to the worst possible conclusions about myself.
I’d never let someone else speak to me or anyone else the way I talk to myself, so why do I continue to let it happen?
Nothing has said I have endometriosis. Nothing has said that I can’t have children.
It’s just my own mind twisting everything into something negative, wanting to torture itself by pushing away some of the only things that have ever made it fully content.
I hear footsteps on the pier, looking up to find one of those things.
He gives me a small grin. “This spot taken?”
I shake my head, my eyes stinging with effort to keep the waterworks at bay. “How’d you know I’d be here?”
“Pretty place for a pretty girl.” Kai stands beside me, glancing at the water below. “Nah, I actually went to your house first, but your mom said you weren’t there, so I figured I’d do a little scavenger hunt until I found you. Thankfully, this was only the second stop.”
I smile despite myself, and we fall into a comfortable silence.
That’s another thing I love about him, about us. We don’t have to always be speaking to enjoy each other’s company. We can sit in the quiet and still feel comforted, simply by being together.
“You wanna talk about it?” he finally asks.
I sigh. “Not really, no.”
“Think we should anyway?” He tips my chin up gently. “We spent three years apart because we tried to carry everything ourselves. I don’t want to do that again. Lean on me. Let me take some of the weight. You don’t have to do this alone.”
I look at him then, nothing but patience and understanding written on his face. I take a small step closer, and he opens his arms without hesitation, pulling me into him.
That’s all it takes for the tears to win their freedom.
Kai kisses my hair, bringing a hand to the back of my head and holding me to his chest, the other gently running up and down my back.
“Talk to me, Freckles,” he whispers.
“I got my ultrasound results.”
He tenses beneath my cheek, but tries to play it off. “What did they say?”
“I haven’t even talked to the doctor yet, but you know me, I just had to google.” I sniff, rolling my eyes at how silly it sounds when I say it out loud, making me feel even crazier than before.
“There are things that could point to endometriosis. It was always one of the potential diagnoses based on my symptoms, but now it feels like a real possibility instead of just a guess.” Taking a calming breath, I continue.
“It’s the dumbest thing. I wanted answers because I didn’t feel normal, but now I don’t want the answer they might give me.
Not only that, but I literally feel insane because my mind always chooses the worst-case scenario and runs with it. I hate my brain sometimes.”
“I don’t hate any part of you. Not a single piece,” Kai says. “You’re strong, you’re resilient, you work hard, you care for everyone around you, you’re funny, smart, talented. I could go on and on, just naming everything I love about you, Wren.”
He pulls back slightly, tipping my chin up so that my eyes meet his.
“You’re perfect, just the way you are, even if you don’t believe that right now.
We’ll get through this together. These last few months, hell, the last few years really, have been rough for you.
Coming back and taking on so much wasn’t in your plans, and no one can fault you for reaching a tipping point. ”
My lips quiver because I know he means those words now, but will he when he knows the possible outcomes of what a diagnosis can cause?
“Do you know what endometriosis is?”
He shakes his head. “I’d be lying if I said I knew a lot about it.”
“It’s not just the irregular periods, the cramps, the pain.” I swallow hard. “Some cases can cause fertility issues.”
Kai’s brows furrow. “Okay.”
Does he not understand what this could mean for us? For him?
His dream of being a father someday could be taken from him before he even has a chance to follow it.
“It means that I potentially can’t have children of my own, Kai.”
He gently grips me by my shoulders, searching my eyes as if he’s missing something.
“I understand that, Wren. But what I don’t understand is why it has you so freaked out right now.”
“You don’t get it, Kai.” My eyes somehow find even more tears to shed. “You’ve always wanted to be a dad. Always. Sometimes, I thought you wanted that even more than hockey. You’ve dreamed of having your own family for forever, and I won’t be the person to take that option away from you.”
Kai stares at me, completely dumbfounded. For a moment, I think I’ve rendered him speechless, then his lips tip up ever so slightly.
“What about this is even remotely funny?” I snap.
He takes my face in his hands, pressing a kiss to my forehead before resting his own against mine. “I love you, Wren.”
“I know that, but—”
Kai shakes his head slightly. “No, I don’t think you do.
I love you. Yes, I have always pictured myself having a family of my own someday.
I’ve dreamt of that, and of playing hockey for as long as I can, but do you know the one thing that has always been the center of those dreams?
The one piece that I know I can’t live without having in any future life has for me? ”
I lift my gaze to his, shaking my head.
“You. You are the one thing that has always been in any dream I’ve ever had.”
This time, it’s his eyes that get watery.
“Your laugh in the kitchen early in the morning, your body next to mine every night when I go to bed, you cheering me on during games, and me finding you right after. I’ve had three years to learn what living without you feels like, and it’s like a piece of me was gone with you and finally came back once you did.
“It wouldn’t matter to me if you told me right now that there was a zero percent chance that you could someday have our babies. It wouldn’t change my mind. There are so many ways we could become parents. But even if that’s something you chose you didn’t want to do, I’d still want you.”
He brushes the hair from my face. “And if you do have endometriosis, if we run into future problems, I’ll be right there by your side for any tests or treatments. Whatever you need.” His eyes hold mine. “I’ll be right there with you, Freckles. Because I wouldn’t survive if I had to lose you twice.”
He kisses me then, and I melt into his touch.
The only time my mind quiets is when he’s around and when he kisses me like this; no thoughts outside of him exist. He consumes me completely.
Maybe the reason all of this scares me so much is because I can’t handle the thought of him not being in my life again.
No one else has ever made me feel the way he does.
Seen, respected, loved, cherished, and cared for, all while feeling supported, as if he’d be just fine no matter what I chose to do with my life, as long as it included him.
He pulls away, and I lean into his touch, not wanting to open my eyes quite yet.
“Freckles,” he murmurs.
“Hmm,” I hum, causing him to chuckle.
“Let’s get you home, okay? As much as I’d like to take you home with me, your mom said she needed to talk to you.”
I groan. “I may have been a royal bitch toward her earlier, and I owe her an apology.”
“Let’s get you home then.” He takes my hand in his, and together we walk toward our cars.
I pull back into my driveway, sitting there for a moment as Kai pulls in behind me. He hops out before coming to open my door, holding out a hand for me. I take it, letting him pull me into his chest once I get out of the car, breathing in his minty scent, grounding me.
“You sure you don’t want me to come in?” he asks, making sure I haven’t changed my mind.
I shake my head, pulling away from him. “I should probably do this part on my own, but I’ll text you when you can come in, okay?”
He nods in understanding before heading back to his car.
Sometimes I wonder how I actually deserve someone like Kai Mercer.
Someone so fiercely loyal, kind, hard-working, determined, and overall just loving. He’s good at everything he sets his mind to, especially loving me.
Walking inside, I move to the kitchen, finding Mom sitting there with two cups steaming in front of her.
I raise my brows, and she grins softly.
“Kai texted when you were headed back.”
A small laugh leaves me. “Of course he did.”
Mom pats the seat beside her. “Come sit.”
Sitting down, I clear my throat. “About earlier, I—”
She places her hand on top of mine, stopping me. “You have nothing to apologize for, Wren. If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me.”
I gape at her. “For what? The way I spoke earlier was completely out of line.”
She chuckles at that. “You were a little feisty, sure, but you weren’t wrong.
” Mom brings a hand up to the side of my face.
“I’ve put too much on you these last few months, honey.
I was so wrapped up in what I was trying to do—my work, paying the bills—that I forgot to make sure you were truly doing okay with everything that I let you take over. ”
Pulling an envelope from behind her, she lays it on the table between us.
“I didn’t want to mention it until I knew what would be happening, but our bills aren’t the only reason I’ve been working so much overtime.
I hired a lawyer to go after your father for the late child support.
My appointment today was at their office to let me know that we won’t have to go to court because your father agreed to pay what is owed. ”
Her eyes shine with relief. “Now, it won’t be all at once, but each payment is a very substantial amount. This is the first one.” She slides the envelope toward me. “I want you to take it. Use it for your school, so you don’t have to try and juggle the work-study situation after this term.”
I blink at her, completely shocked. “Are you serious?”
Mom nods. “I am. This also means that I won’t have to work as much overtime, thank the heavens.” She chuckles. “Between us, I was starting to lose my marbles a bit.”
We both laugh softly.
I’ve missed this version of my mom. The one who I’d sit with and talk to at all hours of the day or night. The one I’d cook dinners with, share snacks with while watching a movie. The one my siblings haven’t truly gotten to experience the last few years either.
I reach over, wrapping my arms around her. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, Wren.” She squeezes me tightly. “So very much.”
Pulling back, I look down at the envelope before looking back at her, a small smile playing at her lips.
“Just because I said you could use it for college doesn’t mean you have to.
” She takes my hands in hers. “I know you love taking pictures, capturing moments. I also know you don’t seem passionate about anything you’ve been studying outside of your time in London.
Even if it’s not something you want to pursue fully, it’s still okay to explore it.
You don’t have to have your life all figured out yet, Wren. You have time.”
She stands, heading toward the kitchen to refill her drink.
“Now, are you going to tell that poor boy he can come in now?”
Laughing quietly, I do just that.