Chapter 11 #4
“I’m fine, just finishing patrol.”
In the pause, Maddox could hear Jade breathing on the other end. She could picture Jade in her office or maybe already back in her apartment, pacing the way she did when she was processing something difficult.
“We need to talk about this,” Jade said finally. “About what Diana told you. Can I come over tonight? Or I can meet you somewhere if—"
“Not tonight.”
Another pause, longer this time.
“Maddox—"
“I need some time to think.” The words came out sharper than she intended. She softened her tone and tried again. “I just need some space to figure this out.”
“Figure what out?” Jade’s voice had shifted into therapist mode, gentle but probing as she tried to understand. “Whatever Diana said, whatever options she offered, we can work through them together.”
The word “together” felt like putty in her mind.
“It’s not that simple.”
“It is, though.” Jade’s voice gained strength. “Look, I don’t know what exactly she told you, but I know there are always solutions. We can talk to her together on Monday. We can—"
“I said I need time.” The sharp edge in her voice was back. Maddox heard it and hated it, but couldn’t stop it. “This isn’t something we can just talk through, Jade.”
There was a heavy silence on the other end. “Okay,” Jade said quietly. “Okay. If you need time, I understand. But can you just— Can you tell me you’re okay? Like actually okay?”
No. She wasn’t okay. She was drowning. She was repeating all the same mistakes she made before and could see it happening, but still couldn’t stop it.
“I’m fine,” Maddox said.
“You’re not.” Not a question, a statement. Jade knew her too well. “I can hear it in your voice. You’re shutting down and rebuilding walls.”
“Maybe I should be,” Maddox said. “Maybe we both should be. This was always going to be complicated, and now—"
“Now what? Now we face it? Now we figure it out? That’s what people do when they—" Jade stopped herself.
When they love each other. Jade knew that’s what she’d been about to say, but didn’t. Maddox closed her eyes.
“I can’t do this right now,” she said. “I can’t have this conversation while I’m… I just can’t.”
“Then when?” Jade’s voice broke. “When can we talk about this? Because you’re scaring me, Maddox. You sound like you’re already gone.”
Maddox swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Promise?”
She couldn’t. She couldn’t make promises she wouldn’t keep, but she couldn’t say that aloud either.
“I need to go,” she said instead. “Shift’s over, and I still need to clock out.”
“Maddox, wait—"
“I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Please.” Jade’s voice cracked completely. “Please don’t shut me out. Whatever you’re thinking, please just…talk to me first. Let me in.”
It was the same thing Leah had begged for, the same plea Maddox had ignored until Leah had stopped asking and just left.
Her throat constricted. She couldn't speak, couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but sit there with the phone pressed to her ear and Jade's broken "please" echoing in her head.
"I have to go," she whispered.
She ended the call before Jade could respond, but the phone immediately started ringing again, Jade’s name and photo flashing. Maddox turned the phone off.
The sudden silence in the locker room was deafening. No ringing or buzzing, just the distant sound of officers talking in the hallway and the hum of lights overhead.
She knew Jade would keep trying to reach her. She’d probably show up at her house if Maddox didn't answer by tonight and would fight for this relationship the way Maddox couldn't let herself fight.
Which meant she needed to end it before Jade could talk her out of the decision that was already calcifying in her chest like scar tissue.
She grabbed her duffel from her locker and headed out. The parking lot was mostly empty now, most officers already gone home to their families or their lives or whatever waited for them outside these walls.
Maddox had nothing waiting. Just an empty house and a decision she'd already made and the knowledge that in a few hours, she'd execute it. She'd go to Jade's apartment. She'd walk through that door and say the words that would end everything.
The drive home passed in a blur. Streets she'd patrolled for years, neighborhoods she knew by heart, all of it meaningless background noise to the static in her head. At home, she went through the motions of taking a shower and changing her clothes.
Her hands were steady as she tied her boots. Her breathing was even, and the panic from earlier had crystallized into something cold and hard and manageable.
She could do this. She just had to remember that when Jade looked at her with those bright eyes and asked why.
She just had to remember that destroying this was the only way to survive and keep what she had to keep.
Even if it meant destroying everything else.
Zeus was waiting by the door when Maddox came out of her bedroom.
He'd been following her around the house since she got home, his nails clicking against the hardwood. Now he sat directly in her path, dark eyes locked on hers.
"I have to go out for a bit," Maddox said.
His ears flattened.
"You're staying here, buddy. This is something I need to do alone."
Zeus didn't move. Just sat there, blocking her exit and radiating disapproval in every tense line of his body.
Maddox crouched down in front of him, running her hands over his head and along his neck. His fur was warm and familiar under her palms. How many times had she done this? Hundreds? Thousands? Every shift, every bad call, every nightmare—Zeus had been there, a constant presence.
"I know you don't understand," she said quietly. "I know you think I'm making a mistake."
He pressed his head against her chest, the weight of him grounding.
"But I don't have a choice. If I don't do this, I lose you. And I can't—" Her voice caught. "I can't lose you too."
Zeus whined, soft and worried.
She stayed there for another moment, forehead pressed against the top of his head, memorizing the solid warmth of him. Then she stood, stepped around him, and grabbed her keys from the hook by the door.
"I'll be back soon," she said.
Another lie. She'd be back, but she wouldn't be the same. Something fundamental was about to break, and they both knew it.
Zeus's whine followed her out the door.
The drive to Jade's apartment took fifteen minutes. Maddox made every light, hit no traffic, and found a parking spot right out front, the universe offering no obstacles or excuses to turn around.
She sat in her truck for a moment, engine off, staring up at the third-floor window where Jade's lights were on.
Her phone was still off in her pocket. She pulled it out, then shoved it back without turning it on. Whatever messages Jade had left, whatever texts she'd sent, Maddox couldn't read them. Not now. Not when she needed the walls to stay up.
She got out of the truck.
The building's front door was propped open—someone's moving dolly wedging it—and she climbed the three flights to Jade's apartment, each step feeling heavier than the last.
At Jade's door, she stopped, raised her hand to knock, then dropped it again.
What was she doing? She'd told Jade she needed time. Told her "not tonight." Showing up anyway would—
The door opened.
Jade stood there in yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt, hair pulled back.
She looked beautiful and worried and so fucking relieved to see her.
"Maddox." Her name came out on an exhale.
"You came. I thought you said— I'm so glad you're here.
" Jade stepped back, pulling the door wider to invite her in.
Maddox didn't move. "Can we talk?"
Jade's expression shifted, relief giving way to wariness. "Of course. Come in."
Maddox stepped inside. The apartment smelled like the lavender candle Jade always burned and herbal tea.
.Jade closed the door, then turned to face her. "Do you want something to drink? I just made tea, or I can—"
"I'm fine."
"Okay." Jade folded her arms across her chest. "You sounded really shaken on the phone earlier. I've been worried."
"I'm fine," Maddox repeated.
"You're not." Jade took a step closer. "Talk to me. What did Diana say? What options did she give you?"
"It doesn't matter," Maddox said.
"It does matter. Whatever she told you, whatever complications there are, we can figure it out. We can talk to her together on Monday."
"There's nothing to figure out."
Jade stopped. "What do you mean?"
This was it, the moment everything ended.
Maddox forced the words out. "I mean this was a mistake. We moved too fast, got too involved. It's…it's not sustainable."
Jade was silent, just staring at her, then said, "You don't mean that."
"I do."
"Maddox, you're in crisis. You've had a traumatic conversation with your superior, you're catastrophizing, you're—"
"I'm being realistic." The sharpness in Maddox's tone cut through the apartment.
"By ending it?" Jade's voice rose slightly. "By throwing away everything we've built?"
"We haven't built anything." The lie tasted bitter. "We've had a few good weeks, that's all."
"That's not all and you know it."
Maddox looked away, unable to meet Jade's eyes and maintain the lie. "It's physical. It's—"
"Don't." Jade's voice cracked. "Don't you dare reduce this to just physical."
"What else is it?" Maddox forced herself to look at Jade now, forced cruelty into her tone. "We work together, we're both dealing with trauma, we found comfort in each other. That's not love, Jade. That's trauma bonding."
Maddox watched Jade flinch and the hurt bloom across her face. "You don't believe that."
"I do."
"No." Jade shook her head. "No. You're doing what you always do when you're scared. You're building walls and pushing me away. This is Leah all over again, isn't it?"
The name landed between them like a live grenade. "This has nothing to do with Leah."
"It has everything to do with her." Jade's voice was stronger now, cutting through Maddox's defenses. "You told me about her, and now you're doing the exact same thing to me."
"This is different."
"How? How is this different?"
Because I can’t lose Zeus, because if I don’t end this now, I’ll lose everything I am. But Maddox couldn't say any of that and let Jade see the real fear underneath.
"It just is," she said instead.
Jade laughed sharply. "God, you're unbelievable. You know that? You're standing here, lying to both of us, and you can't even admit what you're doing."
"I'm not lying."
"Yes, you are." Jade stepped closer. "You're lying because you're terrified. You're lying because you think if you push me away hard enough, it'll hurt less. But it won't, Maddox. It's just going to destroy us both."
The apartment felt too small, the walls too close. Maddox needed to finish this and get out.
"I don't want to do this anymore," Maddox said.
"Say it then." Jade's voice was barely above a whisper. "Say you don't love me. Look me in the eye and say it."
Maddox opened her mouth, waiting for words that wouldn’t come. "I can't do this. I can't be what you need."
"You are what I need." Jade's voice broke completely. "You're exactly what I need, broken pieces and all. Don't you see that?"
"You deserve better."
"I deserve you." Tears were streaming down Jade's face now. "I deserve the person who holds me when I have nightmares about Marcus. I deserve the person who makes me laugh and challenges me and sees me. That's you, Maddox. That's who you are."
The words were killing her, each one twisting the knife between her ribs more.
"I have to go," Maddox whispered.
"Please." Jade reached for her, fingers brushing her arm. "Please don't do this.”
Maddox pulled away from Jade's touch and stepped toward the door. "I'm sorry.”
"Maddox, wait—"
She opened the door.
"I love you."
The words stopped her cold, her hand on the doorknob.
"I know you didn't want to hear it like this," Jade continued, voice raw. "I know this is the worst possible time. But I love you. And I think you love me too. And I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life right now."
Maddox should say something, should say it back, should turn around and take it all back and let Jade fight for them.
But she couldn't.
The words lodged in her throat, impossible to vocalize, and then she walked out, the door clicking shut behind her.
Maddox made it down one flight of stairs before she couldn’t continue. She sat on the concrete steps, back against the wall, breathing hard. She'd just destroyed the best thing in her life.
Walked away when Jade said "I love you" and couldn't even say it back.
Eventually, she stood and made her way down the remaining stairs and to her truck. The drive home was automatic. Turn here, merge there, pull into the driveway.
Zeus was waiting by the door when she walked in. He took one look at her face and pressed against her legs.
Maddox sank down onto the floor, and Zeus climbed into her lap, all seventy pounds of him. Too big to be a lap dog, but doing it anyway.
"I fucked up," she told him. "I know I fucked up."
He didn’t move, just stayed there pressed against her chest, trying to hold her together.
But Maddox was already falling apart.
She'd kept Zeus, kept her job, kept her identity…but lost Jade. The tears came then, hot and painful and unstoppable.
Zeus whined softly and licked her face, but it didn't help. Nothing helped.
The night stretched ahead, endless and empty. Monday would come eventually, and she knew she'd have to give Chief Marten an answer. But the answer didn't matter anymore.
She'd already made her choice.
And it was killing her.