Chapter 20 #2
I got in my car, fully prepared to speed my way to the gym. I thought maybe I’d outrun the tiny tears that kept trying to build their way up in my eyes even though I didn’t want them. I thought I’d be fast enough.
I didn’t drive to the gym.
I found myself pulling into Mamá’s driveway. I basically watched myself walk into the house, not even sure if she was there. She shouldn’t be working, but I didn’t know whether she had more errands to run after or not. I was operating on pure hope.
“Forrest?”
She was sitting on the couch next to River, a photo book open on her lap. There were hundreds of photos of me and Riv when we were kids in there. At the very front were the few photos we had of us and Papá before he’d died.
River took one long, good look at me. I was expecting something borderline mean to come out of his mouth. Instead, he scooted down to the other side of the couch, putting room between him and Mamá. “Come on, mano.”
Mamá leaned forward, placing the book on the table. “What’s wrong, mijo? Come sit.”
My body was working on autopilot. I walked across the living room and sat right between them. I didn’t have it in me to look at either of them. Not when River had been right about me being a hopeless romantic. Not when Mamá had held her tongue when she’d found out how old Jack was.
I cleared my throat and looked down at my hands. “I guess Jack wasn’t the one.”
There was a beat of silence. It seemed to go on forever. Far too long. It was thick, almost suffocating. It ate away at me until Mamá’s arm wrapped around my shoulder, pulling me into her. “Tell me what happened.”
I leaned my head against her shoulder. “I don’t know. I mean, I think I do, but not really. He said he wanted to be with me. Go on a date with me. And then something happened, and I woke up to a text saying he doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
“That pendejo.” River leaned against me, resting his head on my shoulder like I was doing to Mamá.
“He sounds scared, hm?”
I sighed and closed my eyes as she carded her fingers through my hair. “Or he never liked me in the first place.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
I sniffled, shaking my head. “You’re my ma, you’re supposed to say that.” After holding it all in for so long, the first few tears finally broke free since I’d gotten the text. I couldn’t stop them. “I tried so hard. I thought he was the one. I can’t believe how wrong I was.”
Mamá made a tsk sound. “He said he wanted to be with you. Did he not want that before?”
“You said he seemed scared, Forrest.” River nudged me. “You told me it seemed deeper than purely being afraid of commitment.”
I really wished my brother wasn’t here. I never fucking cried around him.
I always tried to uphold that big brother image, standing strong no matter what was happening.
It felt like it was part of my job in protecting him somehow.
Like I needed to protect him from the idea that I could break down, too.
If I could break down, that meant I could disappoint him.
But the tears kept coming. I had to suck in a breath as I curled into Mamá more, clutching her arm.
“I-I don’t know. I don’t know. It was just sex, and I wanted more.
J-Jack didn’t at first. I was determined, and maybe I shouldn’t have been.
We kept seeing each other. And then he said h-he wanted me. I thought he wanted me.”
“Shh, shh, shh.” Mamá turned, wrapping her arms around me. River did the same until I was being hugged on all sides. “That sounds like fear to me, mi corazón. Something scared him. You said something happened, hm?”
I tried to wipe the snot under my nose, sniffling to try to gain my composure. “Y-yeah. With his friend. I don’t know if I should say much about it.”
“Whatever happened has scared him. He’s afraid. If you felt like he is the one, then he is the one. He needs time. He will come back.”
“I don’t know about that, Ma. It took us so long to get to where we were. And it was gone like it never happened.”
River shook his head against my back. “He wouldn’t have stuck around if he didn’t like you.”
“He liked the sex.” I winced. “Sorry, Ma.”
“Don’t apologize. I don’t know this man, but I do know you. I know your heart.” She pressed a kiss on the top of my head. “Give him time. Give your heart time. Do you know how you two got your names?”
Of course we did. She’d told us a million times growing up. “Forests and rivers are the most beautiful parts of the earth.”
“And your Papi and I knew you two would be the most beautiful pieces of our lives. Not only that, but forests and rivers have so much life in them. They create life and become homes to so much. You, my sons, are both full of life. Your hearts are beautiful, and your souls will become a beautiful, strong home for someone else’s soul one day.
” She pulled away a little, cradling my face.
She used her thumbs to swipe my tears from my cheeks.
“Your heart is beautiful and big, and your soul is smart. If you think he is the one, then he is. He may need time, but don’t give up, hm? ”
She said it easily. Like she truly believed it—and she did. Mamá knew my heart better than anyone else on the planet.
It gave me comfort, but I wasn’t sure if it was enough. I tried to smile, though it was weak and half-hearted. “Can you make some sopa poblano?” My favorite comfort food.
“Of course I can.” She kissed my forehead. “Whatever you need.”
River gripped my shirt. “I’m sorry, Forrest. Let’s give him some time, and then I’ll smash his face in if he doesn’t date you.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. Leave it to Riv to make me laugh when I didn’t think I could. “Okay. Sounds good, fartwad.”
The annoyed groan he gave me as he stood up made it all worth it. He pulled out his phone, texting on it and pretending like I hadn’t just cried in front of him, which was great because that was embarrassing.
Maybe Jack was scared. I wasn’t sure how to help that, or if I even could. I wanted to. Or maybe I didn’t. I wasn’t sure. I just knew the weight on my chest wasn’t going away, and everything still fucking hurt, but I clung to what Mamá and River had said.
Fuck, I hoped time could help. I couldn’t simply move on if it didn’t. The heartache finally made sense. I’d been in love with Jackson Manning from the moment I’d first walked into his bar, and there had never been another option. He was the one for me. I just didn’t know if I was the one for him.