Chapter 21 #2
“I think that makes perfect sense. We ain’t judgin’. Spill. You look absolutely tore up about something.”
Honestly, I wasn’t totally sure where to begin. I tried to sift through all the thoughts in my head, trying to make them cohesive enough to turn into spoken words. “You guys have known Tobi a long time, right?”
Crew nodded. “Yeah, you could say that. Me longer than Price and Callum if you want to get technical. Why?”
“Do you…” I bit my bottom lip, trying to figure out the best way to ask. “Do you know anything about his past?”
Price turned his head immediately, looking at Crew. Crew glanced down at the floor, no longer looking at me. “We do. We know about his past, and he recently opened up to us about what happened while he was gone. Why?”
“Um, so. Uh.” Fuck, I could hardly find the words to start, much less make them mean anything.
“Okay, I’ve been seeing someone, right? He’s rough with me.
Consensually. Like, I’ve always been into that sorta thing, and we’ve talked at length about limits and safe words and all that.
Well, Tobi walked in while Forrest—the guy I’m seeing—was being handsy with me. Again, consensually.”
Price frowned. “Oh, no.”
I sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, it wasn’t good. Tobi tore him off me and beat him up a little.
Then, he had a panic attack, and… Yeah. The thing is, it fucked me up.
Really fucked me up. Like, it freaked me out because I have issues, okay?
I have issues, and it felt like it was a premonition, and I feel so goddamn awful about freaking Tobi out.
Really awful. Horrible. God, I can’t get his cries out of my head.
” I rubbed a hand over my face. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say, honestly.
I just know that one second, I finally had my shit somewhat together and was going to ask Forrest to be my boyfriend instead of my fuck buddy, and the next, I told him we can’t see each other anymore, and I’m running. I ran.”
Crew nodded slowly, absorbing my complete word vomit. “Okay. What made you come here, then? What made you realize you were running?”
“His little brother came to my bar and told me off because Forrest is crying at their mom’s house. He said he’s never seen Forrest cry.”
“Oof.” Price hissed through his teeth. “First of all, the fact that you’ve realized you don’t really want to run means you’re close to figuring your issue out.”
“What do you mean, I’ve realized I don’t want to run?”
“He means that you’re here.” Crew put his hand on Price’s leg.
“I know all about running, Jack. I did it for a long time. I ran from Price, even. But you know what I ended up doing? I ran to him in the end. I ran off into a history-making blizzard with nothing on me, and then I ran to his apartment after wandering in the snow for hours.”
“The snowstorm.”
“Yep. The snowstorm. Everyone was worried about me. And for good reason. I had issues, too.” He uncrossed his legs, leaning forward a bit.
“I used to be a sex worker. I had a pretty big reputation, too. My reputation was all about the fact that I only took clients who were willing to beat the crap out of me.”
My eyes widened. “Holy fuck. I had no idea.”
He let out a long breath. “Yeah. Did I enjoy it? No. Had I convinced myself I did? You bet. I had issues, too. Issues that made me fear the intimacy of a gentle, kind relationship like Price wanted for us. We started as friends with benefits, I caught feelings, I got scared, and I ran. I ran and ran and ran even though that didn’t help a single thing.
I was terrified. Terrified of what it would mean to give my heart to someone.
When I gave in, though? It was the best thing I’d ever done in my entire life. ”
“Sounds like we’re more similar than I thought.”
“We are. I can’t make you do anything. What we have to say won’t change what you do.
But I can tell you that it gets easier, and I can tell you it’s worth it if Forrest is the one for you.
Price was the one for me. He was my catalyst. He was what made life feel like it was worth living again.
He made the hard part worth it. Is Forrest worth it, Jack? ”
My lashes stuck together as I tried to blink all the blurriness away again.
I wasn’t usually a cryer. It was rare I ever shed a tear, yet here I was, shedding them almost uncontrollably, and it was all because of something I’d done.
“Forrest is worth everything. But I’m so fucking scared to take the dive. ”
“The dive?”
I looked away, staring into the eyes of seventeen-year-old me. “It’s like staring the ocean in its face and daring it to eat you alive.”
Price huffed a laugh, though it lacked all actual humor. “For Pretty Boy here, it was like wading through the Arctic Ocean as his very own pure blue glacier.”
I tilted my head. “Why a pure blue glacier?”
“Blue glaciers are rare.” Crew’s eyebrows fell as he spoke.
“The way they’re made is from air bubbles being squeezed out from layers of snow being piled on and compressed.
They take a long time to form. They’re suffocated, and then they’re alone for hundreds, thousands, even millions of years.
Do you feel suffocated, Jack? Is that why it’s the ocean? ”
“Yeah. That’s exactly it. But it’s out of my control, and I can’t handle that.”
He tilted his head. “Does Forrest not scare you?”
“Forrest takes control. I give it to him, and it isn’t scary anymore, but it’s only been sex. Not life. I can’t control a relationship, and I don’t know how to give up control for something like that.”
Price chimed in, shaking his head. “It’s not about giving up control in a relationship; it’s about sharing it. You’re not getting rid of it.”
Sharing it. Not getting rid of it. Huh.
“Jump in the ocean, Jack. That’s my advice.
” Crew stood. “If Forrest is your catalyst like Price was for me, then he’ll keep you afloat.
You won’t suffocate. You won’t drown.” He started to walk around the corner, Price right behind him, before he turned back around.
“Oh, and don’t worry about Tobi. It isn’t your fault, and Tobi is one hell of a strong man.
I’d know.” His eyebrows fell, and the bright, icy color of his eyes seemed to dull and gloss over. “I've known him since Tiger Claw Camp.”
It hit me like a ton of fucking bricks all falling on top of me at once. They both walked away, holding hands as they went up the stairs. Crew was the boy Tobi had been talking about.
Tobi and Crew had both been through something so fucking awful.
They’d both experienced a trauma so great, it’d affected their lives entirely.
Different paths, a shared trauma—yet they’d both found their happily ever afters.
They’d found their ones. They’d conquered their fears, and they’d fallen headfirst into love.
That meant there was hope—something I’d struggled to get a grasp on, always letting it slip through my fingers because I could never control it.
Forrest was the one. He was my catalyst.
It was time to jump back into the ocean.