Chapter 22 #2
“A lifeguard saw the commotion from my friends freaking out on the platform. He was far away, though. He was able to pull me out, but I don’t remember any of it.
I was unconscious, and my heart had stopped beating.
I don’t remember dying, but I had. Which freaks me out even more because I thought you were supposed to have your life flash before your eyes and that death was supposed to be peaceful.
It wasn’t for me. It was fucking scary. I was so out of control.
” I shook my head. “I’d lost all control over my body.
I’d died doing what I was supposed to be good at.
The lifeguard brought me back, and I woke up in the hospital a day later with a tube shoved down my throat.
I couldn’t get enough oxygen and was at risk of inhaling my own vomit, so they had to intubate me while I was out. ”
“That sounds horrifying.”
“It was. What made it even worse was how my parents reacted. They wanted me to go back to swimming as soon as possible, like nothing had ever happened. I was a pawn for awards. I was their money ticket. I was supposed to go to the Olympics when I got older and make them famous by association.” Shaking my head, I picked at one of the loose threads on my backpack.
“I was in and out of the hospital for a while after. I ended up getting severe pneumonia, and recovery in general took a long time. I don’t have any permanent physical damage, which I was very lucky to avoid, but my brain has been fucked up ever since. ”
He placed his hand over mine, slowly pulling it away and tangling our fingers together. “Of course it messed with you. That’s completely understandable. I’d have a fear of water too if I were you.”
I stared at our hands, squeezing his gently.
“It isn’t only the fear of water. I’ve been absolutely terrified of losing control ever since.
I need it in everything. That’s why I don’t have an admin or accountant.
It’s why I work so much. It’s why I don’t let anyone drive me anywhere.
I’m a complete control freak because the idea of letting go for even a second reminds me too much of dying.
The one thing that no one can ever control. ”
“Really? You’ve said something like that before, but I haven’t noticed. You give me so much.”
“During sex, yeah. One-night stands were the only times I ever gave any of it up. I love having someone take it away from me, but only during sex. I know in advance that I’m giving up my control. I know when, where, and how. I can expect it. I still control the aspect of giving control.”
“And you couldn’t control what happened the other night. It scared you.”
Pulling my hand away, I shifted, which was a bad idea.
I could see the river beneath us in this position.
“It feels like every time I’ve lost control, something horrible has happened.
I drowned, I lost my grandma, I hurt Tobi, you were hurt…
The list keeps piling up. It’s scary. It’s hard.
I ran. I ran from California, and I ran from you.
I didn’t come to New York just to take care of my grandma; I came here because I couldn’t handle the expectations and memories of being at home. ”
His eyes flicked between each of mine. I saw his lips twitch as he thought of what to say next. “Being with me isn’t predictable. Being in a relationship would only make it worse, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah. Being with you would mean giving up control every day.”
“I get it.” He looked away, placing his palms on the bridge. “You can’t do it. I get it. I understand now. Thanks for explaining. We can go.”
“Wait—”
“No, it’s fine. I get what you’re saying.” He was standing now, fixing his shirt and avoiding even looking my way.
I stood up, right in front of him. I could see it all behind him. The river, the rushing waves, the image of my body slowly sinking to the bottom somewhere in the middle. But he was all I cared about. “Stop. Do you understand what I’m doing right now?”
He scoffed. “Explaining why you don’t want to be with me.”
“No. I’m standing on a bridge above a really big body of water.
I’m standing here with you.” I looked over his shoulder, swallowing hard as a shiver ran through my body.
“I’m staring at the water below, freaking the fuck out inside of my head because you, Forrest”—I stared straight into his eyes, stepping forward—“are worth it. You’re worth giving up control for.
You’re worth pushing through the fear. I don’t want to run anymore.
I want to dive in, and I want to swim, and I want to tell you that I love you. ”
For once, I was the one who took his breath away. His lips parted on the smallest gasp, barely making a sound. “You love me?”
My eyes started to burn. He’d said it with such pure awe.
He’d said it like he couldn’t believe it.
“I’ve been in love with you for a while, but I was too scared to admit it.
Loving you wasn’t planned. But here I am, madly fucking in love with you, and as much as that terrifies me, it also gives me hope.
If I can love you this easily, then surely, I can let go of control this easily, too. Unless you don’t feel the same.”
There was barely a second between me finishing my sentence and Forrest grabbing my face, pressing his lips against mine. It was hard. Rough, exactly in the way I needed. The exact way I wanted.
I melted into him, moaning softly against his lips. He pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. I grabbed onto each of his shoulders, grounding us where we were.
When he spoke, his breath wafted against my face, warm and inviting and full of hope.
“I love you, too, Jackson. It’s almost scary how much.
I fell for you a long time ago, and I’ve been so scared that you wouldn’t ever love me back.
I love taking your control. I love watching you smile.
I love holding you. I’ve been chasing you since day one, and knowing that it’s finally paid off?
” His forehead rubbed against mine as he shook his head.
“It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt, aside from kissing you. ”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I squeezed his shoulders. “Shit, I love you. I love you. I love you. My god, I fucking love you, and I can’t control that. I can’t. But it’s the most freeing fucking feeling, and it doesn’t make any sense.”
“It doesn’t have to make sense, sweetie. It just has to feel right. Does it feel right?”
“I’ve never felt more right in my entire life.”
He pulled back, his teeth shining brightly along with his smile. “Okay, then. Will you be my boyfriend? Officially? No friend dates. No friends with benefits. Just me and you.”
I glanced at the river behind him. It didn’t look as scary anymore. Not when he was in front of it. I slid my hands down his arms, taking his hands in mine. “Yeah, Forrest. I’ll be your boyfriend.”
His arms wrapped around me in a tight hug, pressing my chest against his as close as possible. “Thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for facing your fear. I’m so damn proud of you.”
“Crew and Price told me about this place. They said it had magical healing powers, and I’d say that’s very true.”
“I agree.” He pressed his nose into my hair. “I feel very healed right now.”
I laughed into his shoulder. “Me too. But, uh, can we go for real now? I got us a hotel nearby. I think I’m at my limit of fear-facing for the day.”
“Yeah, baby. Let’s go.”
Even though it took Forrest holding my hand the entire way, we made it back to my car in one piece.
When I got behind the wheel, I realized that I felt like I’d died again.
Only this time, I came back a whole new man.
A more hopeful man. A man in love and not afraid to say it. Thank God for the butterfly effect.