Losing Control (Embracing Chaos #1)

1. Chapter 1

1

L ooking down at this man on his knee, professing his love, acid burns my stomach. Where does the grand gesture even come from? When in history did men decide that asking a woman to spend her life with him needed to be done in a groveling position? It’s obviously a guilt tactic. It would be heartless to deny someone who is seemingly begging, wouldn't it?

“Elizabeth?”

Crap . “Hmm?”

Jett looks around, blinking quickly. His arrogance falters just a bit before he recovers with a tight smile. If having all our friends and his family standing around us wasn’t bad enough, now random bystanders are starting to gather as well. I hate attention. And people. I want to vomit.

“Will you?” Jett asks again. I bring my gaze to his, searching his eyes. Only to find the same thing I’ve seen for the last two years when I look at him: detachment.

Girls dream about this moment. They romanticize it. Get butterflies at the mere possibility of one day being here, standing exactly where I am. But not me. I know the ugly truth behind every self-professed fairytale. I’ve seen the smoke and mirrors.

I never wanted this. But somewhere along the way, it became less about my wants and more about Jett’s demands. I took the backseat simply because it was easier that way. The fights weren’t worth it. Which should have been the first sign that I needed to get out, but love makes you do stupid things. It makes you blind. Takes away all your autonomy, eventually leaving you numb. Indifferent.

A cough from someone in the growing crowd snaps me out of my thoughts again. Shit .

“Umm…” I rub my forearm, looking around. Jett knows this is my worst nightmare, being surrounded by all these people. He also knows there's less of a chance I’ll run with this much attention on me. Heat pricks the back of my neck. “Sorry.” A small, nervous laugh escapes me. “This is just out of the blue.” I’m buying myself time, delaying the inevitable, not wanting to say what I’m about to. But more than that, I want out of this situation, and the easiest way to do that is to just give in. “Okay.” My lips instinctively curl up at corners, knowing the drill. Smile, nod, don’t make a fuss.

Jett beams as he stands up and wraps his arms around my waist, spinning me as the crowd cheers. He plants a way too powerful kiss on my lips and lingers, dragging the moment out before sliding the cold ring on my finger. The weight of it instantly suffocates me.

“C’mon love, let’s go celebrate,” Jett says, ushering me toward the people who are still cheering.

Whereas this is my worst nightmare, this is where Jett shines. He loves being the center of attention. Thrives off it. Will do anything for it. This is his moment and I’m simply a pawn in the life he has set for himself. I should be so lucky to have been chosen. I know this because it’s the ending statement in every argument we have.

I’m not sure when I lost my voice in this relationship, but dammit if I’m not disappointed in myself. Floating through life, accepting whatever it throws my way and never putting up a fight. I used to have a lot of fight in me. Where the hell did that go?

Fuck this.

The realization knocks the wind out of my lungs. Snapping out of the autopilot mode I’ve been in the past five years.

“Elizabeth?” Jett looks back at me with furrowed brows.

I tilt my face towards the sky, soaking up the sun’s energy. The more breaths I take, the clearer my head gets.

“Liza,” he whisper yells at me. God, I hate when he calls me that.

Slowly opening my eyes, I drop my head to look at him. He’s furious at this point. Nobody else notices, but I can see the anger in his eyes and feel the small vibration in his hand that still has a death grip on mine.

Still nodding, I hold eye contact. I refuse to give any of my thoughts to the people silently staring at us. I offer Jett a half-hearted smile and squeeze his hand before pulling out of his tight grip, seeing a flash of shock pass over his face before I turn on my heels and take off.

I don’t stop running until I grab the cool metal of the river overlook. My chest is heaving, but I have never felt so alive. Every step I took gave me more confidence. I can’t believe how much I’ve lost myself to my relationship with Jett. His personality is dominating, making it easy to become overshadowed by him, but it’s time I find my spotlight again.

I lean against the rails while my lungs recover. That’s when I hear the frantic steps of someone coming up behind me and my chest tightens.

“Holy shit!” I smile at the voice. “That. Was. Awesome!” My best friend comes up beside me and we face the river together.

Blake Noel Miller is my soul mate of the friend variety. The social butterfly to my wallflower, the loud to my quiet, and the daring to my reserve. We are different in almost every way, but she has been my ride or die since freshman year of high school.

“You thrive off of chaos,” I laugh. “That was embarrassing.” I can’t believe I just caused a huge scene. There’s no way any of what just happened is going to be pushed under the rug.

“Whatever. You should have seen the look on Jett’s face after you ran off. He was about to combust! I don’t know that I’ve ever been prouder of you than at this moment.”

“I should have believed you when you said you had a feeling this was going to happen. Maybe I could have prepared myself for it. But I really didn’t think he’d ever actually do it. I’m fairly certain he doesn’t even like me.” That’s a sad realization.

Blake turns toward me, face stern. “Libby, why are you still with him, then? Just because you’ve been together for five years doesn’t mean you have to put up with the shit he puts you through.”

“It's not that simple.” I let out a slow breath before continuing. “I’ve gotten into this routine, this level of comfort, where I don’t have to think about anything. There are no surprises or major stressors. If I leave Jett, it’ll turn my entire world upside down. It would be like starting over, and that is terrifying — .”

“So you’d rather settle for a mediocre life? There’s nothing wrong with surprises — the right surprises." Blake cocks an eyebrow. "And you cannot tell me there’s no stress in your life. I’ve heard the conversations and how he talks to you. I’ve seen the look in your eyes as you take it and say nothing back. Hell, you just took off running after the man asked you to marry him!” Blake’s eyes are practically popping out of her head.

“I said yes first.” I shrug, not sure what that means now, though.

Blake shakes her head. “For one, you said okay . For two, I don’t believe for a second that you actually accepted that proposal.”

“I love him.” I do, but I’m saying it like it's an excuse.

“And I love you, but I can’t stand seeing you miserable.”

“I’m not miserable.” I’m floating through life, taking whatever scraps my complacent boyfriend sends my way.

“But you’re not living either, Libby.” Blake sighs when I don't offer a rebuttal. “Why did you run away?”

I look back over the Mississippi River. Watching the water move calms my nerves, as if the current steadies my own. I don’t have an answer for her. I wasn’t actively thinking when it happened, I just did it .

“Can I tell you what I think happened?” She asks.

I chew on the corner of my lips, waiting to hear Blake’s thoughts. I know she cares for me, probably more than anyone else in my life. She also knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

“I think your head finally caught up with where your heart has been for a while. I know you want a comfortable life, but we both know this is not it." She waves her hands as she talks. "You need more out of life than what you’re getting right now. You deserve to be comfortable and in love, happy, living life. Accepting whatever Jett throws at you without fighting for what you want is bullshit and has made your heart go dormant. You don't have the spark you used to. You ignore it because it’s easier. But when it came down to facing the truth, when Jett asked you to marry him, your head snapped out of the fog you’ve been in and you finally saw the light.”

She’s right, I know she is, but it’s still a difficult thing to hear. Have I really changed that much? Did Jett notice? I don’t want to think about that though, no matter what, it isn’t good. Either he hasn’t noticed, which speaks for itself, or he did, and hasn’t tried to do anything about it. Worse than that, he thought that proposing to me was the next best step for us.

Does he even know me at all?

“Come on.” Blake kicks off the rail. “Let's go get some ice cream.” She holds her hand out and I take it, leaning my head on her shoulder.

It’s a shame I'm not a lesbian. She really is my soulmate, and the best person I know.

Blake smiles. “I know what you’re thinking, but we both like dick too much.”

“What?” I pick my head up to look at her. “Who said I was thinking anything like that?”

“I know everything, Libby, especially when it comes to you.” She pushes my head back down onto her shoulder and we continue to walk in silence.