28. Chapter Twenty-Eight
Kylie and I were the last ones to make it back to the cars. She brightly greeted everyone before climbing into Brad’s car for the drive back to West Yellowstone. I remained silent, following Grey, Trent, and Tory to Tory’s car. Tension rolled off Tory and Trent in waves, though I pretended not to notice as their whispers filled the air with a harsh undercutting tone. I’d have to ask Tory about it later, when we were back at the cabin away from prying eyes and listening ears and men with beards and flannel who were deceptively good at making a girl underestimate them.
I’d told him about Lyle and my mom’s accident. I’d let him see a side of me that I kept hidden, having previously only allowed Tory and my roommates to get that close. Yet, I couldn’t really blame him. He’d made no promises. It wasn’t his fault I’d read him wrong, trusting him when I should have been running away as fast as I could. Because if there was one thing I knew for sure, it was that I couldn’t handle another heartbreak, not now, possibly not ever. And falling in love with a man getting ready to leave Utah for Oregon was guaranteed to destroy me.
The car ride to West Yellowstone was nearly silent, Trent and Tory stewing in the front seat and Grey seeming to pick up on my mood in the backseat.
At one point, Tory slammed on the brakes, pulling me from my thoughts, and I flinched when I looked through the windshield to see a bison inches away from the car, staring us down. Grey, who must have been watching the road more carefully than I had, had thrown an arm in front of me, as if trying to protect me from the threat outside the car. If only I’d been as cautious with the threat inside the car.
“Are you okay?” Grey asked, concern creasing his brow and filling his tone.
My heart pounded, proof that it still functioned even if it was breaking.
“I’m fine,” I stuttered, a cold sweat breaking over my skin at the realization of how close we’d come to repeating my mom’s accident. Except a bison would have been much worse than a deer.
“Sorry, guys. He stepped into the road without warning. Everyone okay?” Tory asked from the front seat.
“We’re fine,” I said, taking a deep, steadying breath. It had been a close call, but we were fine. Nothing had happened.
Grey watched me carefully for a moment longer before withdrawing his arm. I missed the contact immediately, a ridiculous reaction that I needed to rein in. I needed to forget my attraction to Grey. He would leave me behind, just like every other girl he’d flirted with and then left for the next job.
The bison moved out of our way, and Tory was able to continue driving, taking it slow as we passed the bison that had nearly made contact with our car. Once we were out of the park and away from the risk of another bison stepping into the road, my heartbeat slowed to a normal rhythm, the fear finally dissipating.
We parked on the street in West Yellowstone near one of the many stores packed with memorabilia geared towards tourists who visited the area. The storefronts displayed a variety of goods ranging from the average to the unique. One t-shirt in particular, black with a red flannel sasquatch silhouette, caught my eye. My lips ticked up in a smile that quickly slipped off my face at the thoughts of Grey it triggered.
Kylie’s words rang through my mind as we walked, our group separating as we each explored the stores that captured our interests. I wandered the shops, shadowing members of our group but not participating in their discussions as I navigated the emotional landslide that was currently filling my mind. If my mom’s failed relationships before Dave had taught me anything, it was that I did not have time nor space in my heart for a man uncertain about commitment. I needed safe and stable. Two things Grey was not, if Kylie’s words and my own observations were anything to believe.
In one store, I paused in front of a bar necklace display, appreciating the beauty of the simple necklaces, each with a different word engraved in the metal. A gold one with the word “Wander” in cursive script caught my eye.
My first day with Grey and his reference to the now familiar quote from TheLord of the Rings filled my thoughts. This week I had wandered away from my routine, my safety net. Now I felt more lost than I had the day I had come home to find Lyle kissing Emily on my couch. And if it was at all possible, a part of me felt even more devastated. Which told me all I needed to know about my relationship with Lyle. In this moment, I mourned the loss of what could have been more than a real relationship I’d invested over a year of my life into.
“I think it’s meant for you,” Grey said, gesturing to the necklace. “Maybe I’ll get a matching one.” He gave me a crooked grin, no doubt expecting me to laugh or banter back.
Instead, I shook my head and put the necklace back. “Unfortunately, it’s not really in the budget right now. Though you should still get one. I bet it would go great with flannel.”
“I do have a certain standard of fashion to live up to.” Grey struck a pose, arms across his chest and hip cocked.
I snorted. “You could give the biggest fashionista a run for her money with your lumberjack chic.”
“That’s all I’ve ever really wanted.”
I sobered as our banter registered. I shouldn’t be doing this, not with Grey. Not if he had one foot out the door. The overheard conversation and mentions of a new opportunity came flooding back. I was not signing myself up for more heartbreak, not if I could help it.
“You okay? You’ve seemed off since the hike.” Grey rested his hand on my shoulder, his warmth making me hesitate for just a moment.
I shook my head and stepped back, trying to create some much-needed distance.
“It’s nothing. Just had an important message come in from work. I might need to leave the trip early.” The lie slipped easily from my lips before I could second-guess myself, knowing this was neither the place nor the time to ask him about Oregon. I needed to find a way off this trip and back to Utah, back to where it was safe and where there weren’t bearded men who left me questioning my career goals and life choices. I just had to find a way to do it without Grey tagging along and that wouldn’t devastate Tory.
“Keep me posted. If I need to pack up a couple of days early to drive you home, I’m happy to,” he said, sincerity ringing in every word.
I nodded, refusing to commit to anything. The last thing I needed right now was several more hours in the car alone with Grey. I could pretend my heart wasn’t aching if we weren’t alone and our interactions were brief. If I had hours of uninterrupted time, who knew what I would say? If I wasn’t careful, Grey could convince me to give him my heart, and I didn’t think I could survive giving it to the wrong man again.
I exited the store, passing Tory at the checkout.
“Audrey, you okay?”
I gave a noncommittal noise, rushing to exit the store in my need to get outside and away from Grey. The wooden storefront had a certain rustic appeal, but the coziness of the town was lost on me as I continued to drown in my thoughts. The desire to run, to hide, to escape rang loud and clear in my ears. I didn’t even care about the risk of running into wild animals on the drive home. I needed to get out of Idaho and Montana, now.
As I rushed down the street headed towards the cars, I bumped shoulders with Brad.
“Easy there,” Brad’s hands cupped my shoulders, holding me steady. “Where are you running to?”
“I just needed some air,” I gasped out, my breaths coming in sharp, staccato beats. The world was closing in, and I couldn’t get enough oxygen.
“Do you know where the rest of the group is? I was with Alex, but he wanted—”
Brad’s words stopped registering as I struggled to fill my lungs, each breath coming out as a ragged gasp.
“Audrey? Audrey!” Brad grabbed my shoulders, giving me a gentle shake and pulling me back into the moment. The worry on his face indicated he’d been trying to get my attention for a few minutes.
“Audrey, I need you to relax. Breathe with me.” Brad’s hand rubbed gently up and down my arm, coaxing me to follow his instructions.
My first inhale rasped against my throat as I tried to follow Brad’s instructions.
“Good. Now can you breathe deeper? Try counting to four as you breathe in.” Brad’s voice was steady and calm.
It took a moment for my brain to process Brad’s instructions, but slowly, the deep breathing helped to still the rising panic in my chest. Taking one more deep shuddering breath, I sank onto a nearby bench, Brad settling in next to me.
“Better?” Brad asked, his tone wary, like he was approaching a wild animal.
“Much, thank you. I just…” I paused, unsure how to express what had happened. “I became overwhelmed,” I finished lamely.
Brad nodded, as if I’d said something sage and wise instead of a lame excuse for having had a panic attack in the middle of a tourist town. “It happens to the best of us. I’m sure getting some food in your stomach will help. It’s been a long, busy day, and emotions have been high.”
We sat there, watching as families of tourists scurried past us, rushing from one souvenir shop to the next, arms loaded down with bags full of their purchases.
“Is she okay?” A feminine voice asked, and I looked up to find Tory standing next to the bench, concern written on every facet of her face.
“I don’t know if I can make it to the end of the trip,” I muttered, unable to stop the words from spilling out. “It’s a long time to spend with the same group of people, and I’m starting to stress about work, and—”
Tory held up a hand, cutting me off. “Don’t blame this on work. What’s really going on? The fear on your face has nothing to do with your job.”
She sank onto the bench next to me, forcing Brad to move to make room for her. She wrapped an arm around me, inviting me to tell her everything. I hesitated only a moment, not wanting to open up this much in front of Brad, but too exhausted to move or pretend I was fine.
“It’s just everything with Grey. It’s too much.” I knew I owed her more, but it was all I could say at this moment, unsure how to fully explain that I was running away from a nonexistent relationship before he could leave me behind.
Tory studied my face, seeing more than I cared to admit. I silently begged her not to pry, knowing she could see straight past my excuses. I felt horrible about leaving her birthday trip early, but I would feel even worse ruining the trip with my emotions and the confrontation I knew was building between me and Grey.
“But you rode up with Grey.” She spoke the words softly, as if trying to reassure an injured animal. “How are you going to get home?”
I leaned back on the bench, trying to think through my options. “Maybe there’s a bus or something? If you could drive me to Rexburg, I could get a rental car. Or…” I trailed off, realizing I really didn’t have many options. It wasn’t like I could ask my roommates to drive five hours, pick me up, and turn around and drive back. While I had no doubt they would, I’d feel guilty for asking them to give up so much time.
“If Kylie hadn’t ridden up with us, I could drive you home. We could be back to Utah before midnight,” Brad said, reminding us of his presence.
“But that would cut your trip short,” I protested half-heartedly.
Brad shrugged, his expression one of practiced nonchalance. “It might be better for everyone if Trent and I got some space from each other.”
Pain flitted across Tory’s face, making me wish we were alone so I could talk to her about it but knowing now wasn’t the time.
I bit my lip, hesitating for only a moment before voicing my thoughts. “I could take Kylie’s place. She could stay, ride back with Grey, and I could ride back with you and Alex.”
I’d already gone on one long distance car ride with a near-stranger once this trip, why not repeat the experience in reverse with a different set of guys? These ones would be safer. They weren’t bearded, snarky men wearing lumberjack apparel who were too perceptive for their own good. It was already guaranteed to be a better experience for my emotions this time around.
“Are you sure?” Brad leaned forward, gauging my expression. “I know driving at night with wildlife isn’t your favorite thing.”
I shrugged, surprised he’d noticed. It made me wonder if Tory had said something. “I’ll survive, but only if you’re okay with this, Tory. I don’t want to ruin your birthday trip.”
I turned to Tory, trying to gauge her reaction to this change of plans. I didn’t want to cut the trip short, but if I didn’t leave soon, whatever was building between me and Grey would only become worse.
Tory studied me for a moment before nodding. “I’ll miss you, but we’re leaving in two days anyway. I don’t want you to stay if you’ll be miserable the whole time.”
“I wouldn’t be miserable…”
“We both know that’s a lie,” Tory said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me in for a comforting embrace. “Just promise me you won’t leave until morning. I can run interference between you and Grey. I just don’t want to have to worry about the three of you making that drive at night.”
I gave a sad, relieved smile, shifting to face Brad. “If you’re still okay with it, sounds like we’re heading home early.”
“Let me talk to Alex and Kylie and get it arranged. First thing tomorrow, we’ll head back to Utah.” He gave a decisive nod, pushing up from the bench and walking towards the store entrance where the rest of our group had started to gather.
My heart might be breaking, but at least I wouldn’t be trapped here with the reason for my heartbreak.