Chapter Thirty-Eight
Alex
‘Ivy seemed to take to you,’ Jess says, after her grandma has popped in to pick her up and reassure Jess that the doctor has pronounced that her grandpa is fine, that his fall was unlikely to be related to cognitive decline.
‘She’s very sweet.’
There’s certainly no denying that. It’s not immediately obvious that Ivy is related to Jess, even with the wavy blonde hair and the dusting of freckles, but he felt instantly attached to her in an uncle/niece kind of way.
He has learned through his life that family is what and who you make it, and little Ivy could easily be part of his.
He is pleased with himself for letting her win in a way that wasn’t obvious to her, so that she still got to be proud.
She deserves to be; she’s genuinely talented for a seven-year-old.
But it freaks him out how easily he has got attached, how quickly his brain seems to have accepted Jess’s family as his family too.
When Ellen had asked what they were to each other, he hadn’t known what to say, had let Jess do the talking.
Jess’s response indicated that she didn’t know either.
And now, he feels a little nauseous, a little like he unknowingly wandered onto a roller coaster which doesn’t appear to have an obvious end point.
He wasn’t ready – isn’t ready – for commitment.
He wants to get off and wait for the dizziness to fade.
He’s a mess, still, and he doesn’t want to get into a relationship till he’s sorted himself out.
‘I’m hoping to spend a bit more time with her, actually,’ Jess says. Her tone is the tone of someone who is trying to sound casual but is actually saying something that matters a great deal to her.
‘Oh?’
‘My grandparents aren’t getting any younger.
They’ve spent a lot of time looking after family – looking after me!
And it’s time they were able to travel the world a little, you know?
Maybe my grandpa’s fall really was nothing.
But maybe one day he’ll hurt himself, or my grandma will, and then they’ll have mobility issues, and …
well, they deserve to have some fun before it gets harder.
But Ivy stays with them a lot, and so that would mean I’d need to step in. ’
His chest feels tight, suddenly. But he fights to ignore it. ‘What’s the story with Ivy’s parents?’
‘Her dad travels a lot for work, and her mum – my cousin – has chronic fatigue and she needs a lot of rest. Which isn’t always possible with a seven-year-old around. She also worries about her daughter seeing her so unwell. Which I totally get.’
Alex bites the inside of his cheek. ‘That makes sense.’
Because of course it does, whether you look at it logically or even emotionally.
But just like at the restaurant with Jess’s mother, Alex feels trapped, breathless.
He counts backwards from ten, but his heart rate still feels elevated, so he tries counting backwards from 100 in threes. Better, much better. More distracting.
But now he is aware that Jess is looking at him weirdly. Is he sweating? He might be.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah. No. I mean, I think I need to go home.’
Her brow furrows, and he sees it – the family resemblance with Ivy, when she had crinkled her own brow in response to finding out he is a boy despite being called Alex.
‘Can I get you some water at least?’
‘Yeah. That would be good.’ He forces himself to make eye contact as he adds, ‘Thank you.’ He downs the glass and escapes out of Jess’s flat as fast as he can.