Chapter Forty-Three #2
It’s a chance to move away from the serious conversation, but Jess surprises herself by not taking it.
‘You know, my mum was so young when my dad died. She probably thought, Life can be taken away from me at any time. I want to enjoy it while I can. And I think I picked up on that.’ She swallows hard, the sadness her mum never let her see now manifesting as a lump in her own throat.
She looks away from Alex, composing herself.
‘My mum was really good at cheering me up when I was growing up; she’d make popcorn, we’d dance around the kitchen, watch silly films together.
But my grandma always asked me questions and got me to talk about how I was feeling.
Maybe that’s why my weekends at her house were so important to me, too.
Her love language was listening. And I really needed that. ’
‘Yeah. That makes sense.’ He searches out her face until she meets his eyes. I’m safe, those eyes seem to say. It’s okay that you’re telling me this. So Jess takes a deep breath and keeps going.
‘The problem is … all of that means that I haven’t always been a great friend.
I’m great at planning birthday surprises and throwing dinner parties and recommending the perfect book.
But my best friend has some tough stuff going on, and I didn’t even know, because I don’t like to ask about the hard stuff.
And also maybe she didn’t want to tell me, because I don’t know how to listen – I only know how to distract people. But that’s not always what they need.’
‘Sounds like we both have a lot of learning to do, still.’
‘Despite your advanced age.’
‘Hey.’ He doesn’t rise to the bait, beyond a wiggle of his eyebrows, and that alone feels like a sign of growth. ‘Anyway,’ he says, moving swiftly on. ‘We can learn together. How to be better people.’
‘Better friends,’ she says, finishing her tea and settling back down into bed, her head on Alex’s chest.
‘Better partners.’ His voice vibrates through her.
‘Better family.’
Alex kisses the top of her head. Something she has always found so calming. It’s affectionate, soothing. It doesn’t demand anything from her – whether that’s a kiss back, or anything more than a kiss. It says, You belong here. You’re home.
‘All of it.’
Family, she thinks. She is going to get to know his big, messy family.
He’s drawn her diagrams – to help her remember who’s married to whom and who used to be married to whom, which nieces and nephews belong to which branch – and she has tried to commit them to memory, but she needs to put faces to names. She’s looking forward to that.
And she’s trying not to get ahead of herself, but she’s looking forward to her and Alex having a family of their own, too – whatever that looks like.
Ivy will be part of it, at least some of the time; maybe most of the time as her grandparents age.
But Jess and Alex have space to get to know each other before that happens, space to build a strong enough foundation to welcome a child, whether that’s Ivy or their own.
Her stomach unexpectedly backflips at the thought of this – of having a baby together – when she wasn’t even sure it was something she wanted just a few months ago.
She knows she is getting ahead of herself.
They haven’t even said I love you yet. The kiss on the top of her head feels close to it, but she’d like to hear the words.
Once upon a time – all of maybe two weeks ago – she would have swatted that feeling away.
Pushed it down, kissed him, distracted both herself and him with activities that don’t require love, just attraction.
But she’s going to be brave.
She can do it with adrenaline sports; she can do it with adventuring around foreign countries where she doesn’t speak the language. Even starting to learn French has felt brave.
And if Jess wants Alex to say it, maybe she has to say it first. Maybe the vulnerable child in him, who always came second, needs her to go first. It feels scary.
But like Lily said, relationships are hard work.
All relationships, even the good ones. Maybe especially the good ones.
Maybe that’s how they get good in the first place.
It would be bravest, she knows, to move her head from his chest, to manoeuvre herself into position so she can look straight at him as she says it.
But, baby steps.
‘Alex,’ she says, clearing her throat.
‘Mmm?’ His voice vibrates through her. It feels like their bodies are one body when this happens. Like if something happens to one of them, it’s happening to both of them.
‘I think I …’ She’s wimping out. She can feel it. She clears her throat and starts again. ‘I—’
‘You?’
She knows he knows what she is going to say. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to make it easy for her. The smile she can hear in his voice tells her all of that.
‘I love you.’
Phew. That wasn’t so hard. And now that it’s out, she can feel her whole self relaxing, turning liquid.
‘I’m glad,’ he says, and she finds herself holding her breath. Is this going to be one of those ‘Thank you’ situations, like Ross at the airport in Friends? Is it going to be ‘I love spending time with you too’?
But no. It isn’t.
‘Because I love you too.’
Those words, vibrating through her. If there’s any better feeling than that, she doesn’t know what it could be. Not even skiing down a black run comes close. Or diving off a high board, meeting the pool with a splash and a surge of adrenaline.
She doesn’t expect that, the thrill of it.
Maybe settling into a relationship with Alex could be the biggest adventure of her life.
It is, she decides as he nuzzles into her neck, kissing her, certainly worth a try.
Jess: I jumped off the diving board
Lily: Glad to hear it. Unless you broke your neck. Then it’s bad
Jess: I didn’t break my neck. It was a lot more pleasant than that
Lily: Well, that’s good news. Give me all the deets. Unless you don’t want to. That’s fine too.
Jess: Maybe later, over wine?
Lily: Not wine.
Jess: ??
Lily:
Jess: Is there something you want to tell me????
Lily: Got some good news of my own.
Jess:
Lily: