Chapter Eleven
E than
I slowly get up from the bed and look down at Jenn. She is finally asleep. I held her as she cried. But she didn’t cry for her father’s death like someone might think she would—or like someone might think she should . No, she was crying because she no longer had to fear him.
She didn’t hate me, yell at me, cuss at me or hit me for what I did. She made love to me for what I did to her father. She gave me herself once again to show me that what I did was justified and okay.
What a fucked-up world we live in. But this life I wouldn’t change for anything.
This life I know and understand. I don’t know what it feels like to be normal because I have never been normal.
I have tried to be normal but society cast me out for what I have done.
They don’t understand me, not like she does.
She is as shattered and damaged as I am and that is why our love is so strong in such a short amount of time.
We have become addicted to each other like we need air to stay alive.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it until tonight.
She is my lifeline to a life I never thought I deserved, but now I want more than anything, with her by my side.
I slowly lean down and gently brush the back of my hand against her cheek. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t wake. She knows that she is safe here with me. She knows that I won’t hurt her, and I will never let anyone hurt her again.
It is crazy to think that I lived my life so long without her. And now that I have her, I know I can’t live one day without her in this world.
Killing her father’s men was easy. Killing her father was even easier.
I have tried so hard to escape the man my father made me.
I tried to escape the person I didn’t know in the mirror and now I realize that I have been him all along.
He was just caged. The darkness inside me was just waiting for the right moment to come back to the surface.
I felt the darkness in me as I pulled the trigger in that studio.
I got off on the rush of having the power and control over their lives.
I am just shattered and fucked up to the core and it would be stupid of me to try and act like I’m not.
I’m a good man now—I have done many good things since meeting Shawn.
But my good deeds do not outweigh the bad things I have done in my life.
I put on my sweatpants and make my way out of the room and down the hallway into the living room. The apartment is quiet and still. The only sound I can hear is the clock on the wall telling me that everyone else in this complex is still asleep.
We have saved hundreds of people over the years since opening this place and after seeing the studio and what they were doing there, it makes me realize that we need to make a bigger impact.
We need to do so much more than what we have been doing.
There are still so many women suffering in our city.
And we need to save them all. We need to fucking put an end to the suffering in our city.
But I know it is an upward battle. Something we will always be battling against.
There are too many bad men out there that want to do bad things. And there are not enough of us standing up saying that it is enough. There are not enough of us that are willing to step up and go in and stop them.
I take a deep breath and run my hands through my hair. So many things to do, so many things to try and prepare for. But that is the key word right there—things we must try and prepare for. No matter how much we prepare, I don’t think we will ever be fully ready.
I hear a light knock on the door, pulling me out of my rabbit hole thoughts.
My whole fucking brain is a damn rabbit hole these days.
I look up at the clock and see it is just past 2:00 AM.
I walk over to the table and grab my gun, lifting it up as I make my way to the door.
I slowly crack it open. Shawn is standing still with his hands in his front pockets.
He looks at the gun, then at my face, and shakes his head and smiles.
He takes a few steps back as I open the door and step out.
I lower my gun to my side and watch Shawn looking right at me, his eyes searching mine. I know he’s worried about me after what went down in the studio. If he hadn’t stepped in, I would have shot Tristan right in the face. And right now, I am regretting not taking his life. I should have.
“I’m okay, Shawn,” I whisper, my voice still shaky. I hate that I feel things so deeply. People like me shouldn’t. But I do. I have always been this way, even before meeting Shawn.
“Are you?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.
I take a deep breath and slowly make my way to his side, looking out at the forest. He turns around and crosses his arms over his chest, both of us looking out at the peaceful forest in front of us.
I wish my thoughts were as peaceful as the forest we are looking at.
But I don’t think that will ever happen.
I always have too many things going on inside my head. Too many things that make it not a peaceful place. My head is more like hell, and the only time it seems to be quieter is when I am with Jenn. She silences the voices and allows me to feel the peace that others feel.
Peace that I know I don’t deserve after what I have done in my life. Maybe this is my consequence for being the person I am, haunted by the thoughts and memories of what I did and didn’t do.
“Yes, I am okay,” I state softly, needing to hear myself say it.
Maybe if I say it enough my brain will start to believe it.
They say if you tell yourself a lie long enough you believe it’s true.
Well, with any luck they aren’t lying. Because, honestly, right now I’d rather believe a lie than the truth.
The truth that I have started a war. The truth that maybe not all of us are going to make it out alive. And the truth that I will have to allow the monster inside me to once again consume me. It is the only way I can take another life. To allow myself to feel the darkness, live in the darkness.
“I’m worried about you,” Shawn murmurs, pulling me out of my rabbit hole thoughts. He always seems to know when I’m starting to fall. And he is always right there to make sure I don’t. He is a brother I never asked for, but I am grateful I have.
I never asked for any of this and even though things might get fucking destroyed I wouldn’t change a thing because it brought me my family. It brought me Jenn.
“I know.” I whisper. I don’t know what else to say to him.
Shawn takes a deep shaky breath. “I’m worried about who you will need to become before this is over.”
“What?” is the only thing I can say. I don’t know why I asked him the question.
I already know his answer. This is not the first time we have had this conversation, and I doubt that it will be the last. I am not the only one who cares very deeply.
Shawn cares so much about so many people and things.
He has built a good life, a life he has allowed me to be a part of, and now I am scared that what happens next will destroy what he has built, and I don’t want that to happen. He deserves to be happy and so does Emory.
I don’t want what I must do to affect them, but I know it will. We are all too close for it not to affect them all.
“I know that you have to become the man you were before we became brothers, just like I had to become who I was before to save Emory.” Even after all these years what went down with Emory’s ex is still very raw and emotional for all of us involved.
I honestly don’t think Shawn or Emory will ever forget about what happened and Shawn will never forget what he did to her ex, but just like me, he did what he believed he needed to do to keep her safe.
And she has been safe. He has made sure that everything he does is for her and his family.
Shawn might be a criminal, but he is one of the most selfless people I have ever known.
“I will be fine, brother,” I reply, trying my best to reassure him. He has enough to worry about, he doesn’t need to worry about me too. I will be fine. I will be fine. God damn it, I will be fine.
“I hope so, Ethan. Because that woman in there needs you. Emory needs you. And, brother, I need you. And I will not lose you. I can’t. I won’t survive it.”
His words make my heart sink because I know he is telling the truth. We all need each other. But I need my twisted revenge more. In this moment that is what I crave—to see Tristan suffer and beg for his life.
I am as twisted as they come. That is why I know the love and romance I have with Jenn is just as twisted as it can get.
The more intertwined we become, the more in love we are, the more twisted it gets.
She has me by the fucking balls and doesn’t even know it, or maybe she does.
Either way I know what I have to do. And I know it might cost me, but it is a price I am willing to pay even if it’s my life.
As long as at the end Jenn is free and my family is safe.
That is all that matters. They matter more to me than my own life.
“You won’t, brother, I promise,” I whisper, trying to convince both of us.
I don’t break my promises but this time around I don’t know if I will have any control or power over if I will survive or not.
But I know he needed to hear the words. He needs me to say them out loud to calm his nerves and to calm my own.
We both turn and look at each other. His eyes are filled with worry and concern. I know he has more to say to me, but I know he won’t. He has said all he is going to say right now.
Shawn is a quiet man, distant and cold sometimes. But with the ones he loves he is like an open wound. And right now, he is an open wound. I can see it on his face. I can hear it in his words. I know him as well as he knows me.
I fear losing him just as much as he fears losing me. He is my brother, my family. But if he has taught me anything it is that there is nothing we won’t do for family.
We have to be willing to give up everything to protect our family even if it means giving up ourselves.
I saw this in him when we saved Emory, when I watched him sit by her hospital bed.
As I watched the tears leave his eyes as he talked to her and begged her not to leave him.
I know that if he could have switched places with her, he would have in a fucking heartbeat. Just like I know I will do for Jenn.
I will give myself up to Tristan if that is what it takes to make sure she is free. Free from the abuse, chaos, and pain she has lived in her entire life.
“I will be by your side when the time comes, Ethan.” Shawn says in a confident voice making my heart sink. No, no . I close my eyes as his words sink in, repeating on a fucking nightmare loop inside my head.
When the time comes ... when the time comes. I will be by your side when the time comes.
“What the fuck you mean?” I ask him, but I already know.
This is not fucking happening. He has a wife and family and people who need him.
He can’t fucking risk his life for my revenge, not when he has so much to lose.
I start shaking my head, feeling my heart race.
I don’t give him the opportunity to speak before I am already speaking again. “No, you can’t, Shawn.”
This is who he is—the good guy. The guy who will do anything for his family, would do anything for me. I don’t deserve to call him brother. I have tried to tell him that I am not worth the trouble, that I am a lost cause. But he hasn’t listened thus far, and I doubt he is going to listen to me now.
Shawn is calm. He’s always calm, even when everything is going up in fucking smoke.
I think after he lost it when he found Emory and saw what her ex was doing to her he allowed his own darkness to take over for a little while and then afterwards it was as if it disappeared.
Like he got all the remaining darkness out of him.
And now he is this man standing next to me “Yes, I can and I will. You are my family and I will be by your side. You are not in this alone. Emory wanted to make sure you know that.” Emory must have spoken to him.
She is a strong woman—a fucking queen—and she has found her voice, and she is not afraid to use it to put all of us in our places.
But hearing his words still makes my heart speed up.
That I mean this much to them. After all these years you would think I would know how they feel about me, but sometimes, like now, it still takes me by surprise.
They could walk away. They could wash their hands of me and what is happening, but they won’t.
They don’t give up that easily and that is why Emory and Shawn were made for each other.
They complete each other. Just like how Jenn completes me.
“She wants you to come with me?” I ask in a low voice, allowing my thoughts to continue to consume me. My deadly thoughts, my never-ending, on a fucking loop from hell thoughts.
He slowly nods. “Yes, of course she does. You’re her family, too, brother. Whatever goes down, I will be by your side.”
“Shawn, I don’t think— ”
He quickly puts up his hand and shakes his head, causing me to stop talking.
“My mind is made up, brother, and nothing you say will change it.”
He doesn’t give me time to respond. He quickly turns and walks away, leaving me alone with my fucked-up thoughts. Leaving me alone to hear his words echo inside my head.
Even if I tried to change his mind it wouldn’t work.
He is as stubborn as I am and even though I am more than terrified, I wouldn’t anyone else by my side when shit goes down.
We made a promise to each other a long time ago that no matter what happens we will always be here for each other and stand by each other through anything.
A promise I can tell he plans on keeping even if I am trying to get him to break it.
I take a deep breath as I watch him disappear into the darkness. I turn back and look at the forest, leaning forward and resting my arms on the railing.
Things are once again about to change. And afterwards I fear we will be all shattered fucking vases.