47. Kate
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
kate
After I come back to my senses from the jaw-dropping orgasm and get dressed, I check my phone to see a missed call and voicemail from a vaguely familiar number.
I listen to the voicemail and almost drop the phone when I hear my dad’s voice.
I quickly stop the voicemail from playing and start spiraling, wondering what he said.
“Are you okay?” Jake asks from across the kitchen. “You look spooked.”
I shake my head, fighting back tears. “My dad… He called and left a message.”
Jake rushes to my side and wraps his arm around me before leading me to the couch. I curl into his body as I let the wave of emotions out. Although I haven’t listened to the voicemail, I know it likely contains at least a partial answer to my question about whether he wants me in his life.
And I’m terrified to find out.
“Do you want to listen to the voicemail now? Or another time?” Jake runs his fingers through my hair in an effort to soothe me. “I can listen to it first if that would help.”
I sigh and snuggle into his chest. “I don’t know. I’ve spent twenty-five years wanting answers, and now they’re in front of me.”
He tilts my chin up with his fingers and stares into my eyes.
“No matter what he says, do not forget how amazing you are. You’re an enormous blessing to everyone who has the privilege of having you in their life.
If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. Not yours.
” He leans down and kisses my lips softly.
“You’ll always be the center of my world. ”
The unease and tension begin to fade away, allowing me to take a deep breath for the first time since hearing my dad’s voice. “I love you, Jake.”
“I love you, Kate. You’re my everything.”
A small smile spreads across my face as the weight of his love wraps around me like a warm blanket. I exhale deeply and adjust my position until I’m sitting next to him with his arm around me. “Okay. I’m going to listen to it because if I don’t, I’ll spend all evening worrying about it.”
“I support whatever you want to do,” he replies, squeezing my shoulder.
“Here goes nothing.”
I hold the phone in my hand and play the voicemail on speakerphone.
“Hey Kate. It’s…your dad. I was glad to get your call the other day.
Sorry, it took me a few days to call back.
I’d like an opportunity to talk to you and explain where I’ve been and what’s going on in my life.
It’d be nice to get to know you again, if you’re open to it.
Give me a call whenever you have a chance. ”
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes after the voicemail ends.
I know Jake’s waiting for me to say something, but I can’t find the words to describe how I feel.
On the surface, it looks like I’m getting what I wanted because my dad wants to talk to me, at least. Though I can’t help but feel this overwhelming pang of sadness deep in my chest because he had decades to reach out to me and didn’t.
Why is he only making an effort after I reached out?
I swallow hard at the realization the timing might be because of the man sitting next to me.
It wouldn’t take more than a quick Google search to see I’m dating country music superstar, Chase Elliott.
And my name has been plastered over social media and the tabloids for weeks.
Anna warned me about the people who would come out of the woodwork once they found out about us.
Now, I’m wondering if my dad might be one of them.
I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. I do this until my insecurities stop rising and a calmness takes over. I open my eyes and turn to Jake.
“Is it crazy that I’m questioning why he’s returning my call? I know it’s supposed to be what I want, but I have this pent-up anger. I don’t understand why he’s waited so long. He could’ve reached out years ago. Decades ago.”
“I’m not making any excuses for him because what he did, cutting you out of his life as a child, is completely inexcusable.
But I can relate to how it feels to lose contact with someone and not know how to restart the conversation after too much time has passed.
” He pulls on the back of his neck as his brows furrow deeper.
“The shame you feel when you know the distance physically and emotionally is all your fault, and you can’t figure out how to fix it.
In some ways, it becomes less painful to keep the distance rather than try to address it and potentially be rebuffed. ”
I cup his face, stroking the slight stubble on his cheek. “Don’t compare what happened between us years ago to what my dad did. He was an adult. A parent. You were barely twenty, and you made a mistake. We’re well past that.”
He sighs and leans into my touch. “I know. It doesn’t mean I can’t relate to what he might be feeling and still be fucking pissed at him at the same time.”
I chuckle. Leave it to Jake to bring a smile to my face when I’m struggling emotionally. “I’ll call him tomorrow. I don’t want to spend any more time talking about my dad or the past tonight. We should be celebrating our home.”
Jake raises his eyebrows, and a sly grin appears. “What did you have in mind?”
“Didn’t you say something about dessert?” I ask, slowly getting up from the couch. “But you’ll have to catch me if you want it.”
I take off running with Jake on my heels. Once I reach the second floor, I let him catch me and take me into his arms. He carries me into our bedroom, and we spend the rest of the night wearing no clothes and worshipping each other’s bodies.
The next day, Jake sits by my side on the couch, holding my hand as I call my dad. The phone rings three times before I hear his voice.
“Hello, Kate,” my dad says, a slight tremble in his voice.
“Hi, Dad,” I reply, filled to the brim with nerves.
“I’m glad you called. I wasn’t sure if you would.”
How does he expect me to respond to that? I’m the one who reached out to him. And yet he’s acting like he was worried I wouldn’t want to talk to him? None of that makes any sense.
“Maybe I could start telling you about my life. Would that work?”
“Sure,” I answer without any emotion in my voice. It’s almost like I’m a robot, unable to feel anything. Locking down every feeling I have about this until I’m ready to process it. It’s the only way I can survive this call, no matter how it goes.
“I live in Arizona with my wife, Sarah, and my son, Aaron. I met Sarah after I moved here. We quickly fell in love and got married. Aaron is seventeen and plays baseball. He’ll be headed to college next fall.
” He pauses for a moment. “I guess that means you technically have a stepmother and half brother. Sarah is an incredible wife and mother. It felt like I won the lottery when I met her. And Aaron’s such a great young man. ”
My muscles tense hearing him talk about his new family with such high regard. Jake squeezes my hand and kisses my temple.
“We’re a really close family. Always doing stuff together on the weekends.
Sarah and I never miss Aaron’s baseball games.
We’re hoping he’ll end up going to college somewhere nearby so we can keep up the tradition of watching him play every week.
Arizona has some nice baseball programs that he’s considering.
We’ve been on a few campus tours lately, but Aaron hasn’t picked a favorite. ”
“That’s nice,” I reply, trying to remind my dad that I’m on the other line. The daughter whom he hasn’t spoken to in twenty-five years, so maybe he’ll get the hint to ask about my life.
“I’m sure you probably went to college. You were always smart,” my dad adds.
My hopes rise slightly, thinking this is the moment when he’ll start taking an interest in my life, only to be dashed when he starts talking again.
“Aaron’s super smart, too. Probably going to graduate in the top five percent of his class, even after playing varsity baseball. Did I mention he also volunteers at the local animal shelter? He spends time there—”
“I get it. Your new family is wonderful,” I say, a hint of frustration in my voice.
A war rages inside of me because while I’m happy that he’s moved on and found love with someone he clearly cares for deeply, it also triggers my insecurity about being unworthy.
From everything the private investigator told us and what my dad has just shared, he’s an exceptional father to Aaron.
But he couldn’t bother to ever visit me.
Call me. Send a fucking card. I haven’t heard a single word from him since he left me standing in the front yard when I was eight.
And he seems to be completely clueless about how that impacted me, or worse, doesn’t care.
“You sound angry. Reminds me of how your mother—”
All the emotions I tried to keep locked away during this call burst out of the box and come roaring to life.
“Excuse me? Are you seriously about to compare me to my mom? You haven’t seen me for twenty-five years, and you feel the need to do what?
Put me down because I’m not over the moon listening to you drone on about how wonderful your new family is. ”
“That’s not what I meant—”
“Yes, it is. Why did you bother to return my call if you don’t really want to get to know me?
You haven’t asked a single question about my life.
” The dam breaks as tears flood down my face, and Jake pulls me closer to him.
“You left me as a child and never looked back. Do you know what that does to someone? How it makes them feel? And then I reach out to you after all these years, and all you care about is telling me how wonderful your new family is.”
He sighs loudly. “This conversation isn’t going as I planned. I don’t know what to say.”
“How about the truth? Why did you promise that nothing would change between us before you left and then never bother to see me again? Call me? Anything? I was your daughter,” I yell as tears stream down my face.
“Your mother made the situation difficult. You know how she can be,” he answers defensively. “She wouldn’t let me talk to you on the phone and found excuses for why I couldn’t visit you shortly after I left.”
“So? How long did you try? Did you ever take her to court to see me?”
“You don’t know how your mother can be.”
I scoff. “Yes, I do. I was raised by her, so I know exactly how difficult, controlling, and manipulative she can be. But you’re not answering the question. My guess is she made it hard for you for the first few weeks, then you gave up. Just like she knew you would.”
“You’re… You’re not wrong,” he replies, his voice full of sadness. “I know I should’ve tried harder to see you. But I also need to distance myself from her. She was extremely toxic, and I couldn’t move forward without cutting her out of my life.”
“It didn’t mean you had to cut me out!”
“That was never my intention. I tried to take care of you the best I could. I paid child support every month. Contributed to your college savings account.”
“What do you want me to say? Thank you for sending money, but it’s not a big deal that you didn’t want me in your life.
All I wanted was your love and attention.
I didn’t need anything else.” My chest shakes as the tears come down, and Jake’s grip on my shoulder grows tighter.
“But I guess I wasn’t worthy enough for your love. ”
“Why did you reach out to me, Kate? You could’ve continued with your life without talking to me. Did you do it just to yell at me? Tell me all the horrible ways I’ve screwed up your life. From what I’ve seen on the internet, you’re doing fine.”
My heart drops as my nausea grows. Everything suddenly becomes clear—I have my answer. It may not be the one I had hoped and dreamed about, but it’s an answer. The closure I need to move forward.
“No, I didn’t reach out to yell at you. I had this delusional idea that we’d reconnect and become part of each other’s lives.
I see that’s impossible.” I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand.
“If you wanted me in your life, you would’ve kept in touch.
Reached out to me at some point over the last two decades, but you didn’t. ”
He doesn’t say a word. The only sound is his heavy breathing on the phone.
“If you wanted to, you would’ve done it already. I couldn’t see that until now. So, thank you for returning my call. I wish you and your family nothing but the best.”
“Okay,” he replies and ends the call.
“I’m so sorry, Kate,” Jake says, tugging me closer. “I hoped things would turn out differently.”
I lean my head against his chest, listening to his breathing and pounding heart. “It’s okay. It’s what needed to happen. Just promise me…”
“Anything. Tell me what you need, and it’s yours.”
“Promise me you’ll always be there for our kids. You’ll never leave them, no matter what.”
“Oh, Kate. I’m not going anywhere. You and our future kiddos are stuck with me for life. There is nothing and no one that could ever take me away from you again.”
And for the first time in twenty-five years, the weight of my non-existent relationship with my dad disappears. All the worry and heartache he caused me is somehow released into the ether, no longer plaguing my heart or soul.
Instead, a new shield made of unconditional love forms around me—one created by the love Jake and I have for each other.