Chapter 8
eight
. . .
Weeks go by and Andy and I find every place possible to explore one another’s bodies.
Usually it happens in his truck, but we’ve also been on his bed a few times.
His aunt Mel works a lot and she doesn’t mind me coming over.
She treats us both like we’re adults because, well, we are. My parents would never be this cool.
We’ve also progressed from over the clothes to under. Just thinking about him touching me sends shivers up my back. I had no idea that it could feel this good to be with someone. He’s incredibly gentle and always asking me if I’m okay with what we’re doing.
By the time July hits, though, I’m about ready to explode. I need more than just touching. I just don’t know how to tell him that yet. Sometimes he looks at me like I’m going to break. I get the feeling that he’s worried about what will happen when we both go to school. We haven’t talked about it.
I tried bringing it up once, but the look on his face, and the way his eyes welled with tears made my heart ache.
He assured me we’d talk on the phone and that he wanted to be with me.
Wanted to make it work. The thing is that I’m not the one who needs the reassurance.
I’m sure of us. I’m certain about him in every way, but I know I don’t want to see him that sad again, so for now I’m letting it be.
This weekend we’ve taken off to camp with my friends. We're close to home, but it feels nice to get away from town for a couple of nights without the regular routine of work, parents and regular life.
Andy has been telling jokes and everyone loves him. He’s so easy to fall in love with, and I can see now that I’m not the only one who fell for his sweet disposition.
Something’s changed though. I watch as he walks away from the crowd and give him a few minutes before I go over to him. “Hey, what’s going on?” I ask.
He lets out a sigh. “Do you think we can leave soon? I’d really like to be with you. Only you.”
“Oh. We just got here and set up our tent for the weekend. You want to leave?” I'm a little annoyed and confused. We were supposed to be here until Sunday. Why would we leave?
I touch him gently on the arm and he takes another breath. It comes out choppy and sounds shallow. He closes his eyes and the next thing I know, I see Andy hunched over with his hands on his knees, chest heaving with heavy breaths.
“Oh my god. Andy?” He doesn’t answer but I can see sweat is now dripping from his temple.
I think he’s having a panic attack. “I don’t know what to do.
I…” He looks up at me and I’m met with red-rimmed eyes filled with tears, and in those tears there’s more than anguish, there’s fear.
I grab his shoulders and straighten his body.
I place his hand over my heart and stand close to him.
I don't know what to do, so I just act on instinct.
“Look at me. Andy… look at my eyes.” He does as I ask. His eyes are pleading and desperate. I take a deep breath. “Feel my heart, Andy. Listen to my breathing. Breathe with me.”
He shakes his head, silently telling me he can’t do it. “Yes, you can. You can do this.” I hold his eyes and start breathing slowly, keeping his hand on my heart. We stay like that for several minutes that feel like hours. Eventually his breathing slows, little by little.
Once he’s no longer panting and panicking, I wrap my arms around his neck and bring him close to me, whispering, “You’re okay. Everything is okay. I’m right here with you and I’m not leaving.”
His grip on me is tight. So tight it almost hurts. He buries his head in my neck, in my hair and breathes me in. I’m thankful we don’t have much of a height difference at this moment.
I continue to whisper reassurances to him and his grip slowly loosens around my waist and back. Finally he says, “I love you so much, Lainey.” His voice sounding thick and tired.
I pull our bodies apart, cradling his face with my hands once again. The knot in my throat is so tight, and take a moment to just look at him, nodding. “I know. And I love you, Andy.”
Now that he seems to be breathing normally, I reach into his pocket for his car keys. “I’m driving us home,” I say flatly, knowing he's in no shape to drive.
“Wait, what about your tent? We were supposed to stay here the weekend.” He looks at me with an apologetic look in his eyes.
“Andy, let’s go to your aunt’s house. I don’t think you need to be around people right now.
” I take out my phone and text Shannon quickly, letting her know I’m not feeling well and will stay at Andy’s.
I’ll grab my tent tomorrow. “There. I just texted Shannon.” And with that, I take his hand and start walking towards his truck.
He follows closely and when I open the driver’s door to step in, he turns me around gently.
“Are you mad?” His eyes search my whole face in the dimly lit field we’re parked in. He looks so...lost. Fragile, almost.
Softly, I respond, “No. No, of course not. I’m just worried about you and I have a feeling that being around a bunch of rowdy teenagers and a big ass fire isn’t going to make you feel better. So I want to go to your room then I want to get into your bed and snuggle with you. Is that okay?”
He pulls me in and kisses my temple. His chest deflates as he lets out a long sigh. “Yes. That would be perfect. Thank you, Lainey.”
The drive is quiet, and Andy keeps his hand on my thigh the whole time. When we arrive, we head straight upstairs. Mel is working late and I know she won’t mind that I’m here. The moment I walk into his room I start to undo my jeans.
“What are you doing?” Andy walks over and grabs my hands as if to stop my movements.
“I want to get into bed with you. I’m not doing that with jeans on and neither are you.” I say this matter of factly, because it’s not like we’ve never seen one another mostly naked before. “You can turn around if this really makes you uncomfortable.”
And he does. He actually does. My sweet Andy turns around and waits until he hears me rustle the sheets.
Then he takes off his jeans and slides into bed next to me.
I give him my back so he can be the big spoon and we lay like that for a long time.
His breathing is slow and even though I can’t tell whether he’s fallen asleep, I turn around, wanting to see his face.
“You okay?” He whispers, brushing the hair off my temple, softly running his hands through it in a way that makes me feel both cherished and cared for. I love that he takes care of me even when I should be taking care of him.
I nod, looking at him and quietly say, “I want you to be my first, Andy.” Slowly I slip my fingers under the hem of his shirt to touch his back, moving my body closer to him so we’re flush with one another.
“Lainey, you know how much I love you and want you, but we don’t have to do this.” He swallows hard and closes his eyes as I take his hand and place it over my breast.
“I know. I want to. I trust you and I want to give this part of myself to you.” I kiss him slowly, softly and start to pull his shirt up. He quickly removes it and we fumble to get mine off, unclasping my bra as well so that we’re both almost naked, lying side by side, just in our underwear now.
When he slowly pulls my panties down, then does the same with his boxers, I feel… ready. I know this is the right person, the right moment. There is no one else I could ever want to do this for the first time with other than him.
Andy kisses my neck and my jaw, being tender with me every step of the way.
He touches me everywhere, putting his mouth places no one has ever done before.
When I try to rush him, he gently pins my hands over my head, continuing to kiss my skin achingly slowly.
“I need you to be ready,” he murmurs. “I need this to be good for you, so I’m gonna make you come once, maybe twice, before I lose myself inside you. ”
He makes good on his word and I come on his fingers, then his mouth.
Somehow it’s not enough and I’m nearly ready to beg him to be inside me when he finally positions himself over me after putting on a condom.
Andy looks into my eyes and just waits. For reassurance.
To ask me if I'm sure. Because even without words, I know he wants to make sure I'm okay.
“I love you, Andy. I’ve never been more sure about anything.” I kiss him as he slowly enters me and then I feel it. The sharp pain is quickly followed by a dull ache. I wince and with our foreheads together Andy whispers to me “I’m sorry, my sweet girl. I love you so much.”
He stills and I feel tears stream from my eyes to my temples. Andy kisses them away, whispering “I love you Lainey. I love you always.”
Soon the pain gives way to pleasure and I get lost in the feel of our bodies together.
Later, as I’m drifting off to sleep, all I can think of are his reverent words in my ear.
When I open my eyes, Andy’s perfect, peaceful profile greets me. He’s laying on his back and our legs are twisted together, my hand on his chest. He’s so peaceful, such a contrast to the turmoil I saw on his face just last night.
Was that just last night?
I feel the ache between my legs and am instantly reminded of all of the polarities in the past twelve hours. Andy’s panic and peace. His hard against my soft. My pain and his pleasure. Though it quickly turned into my pleasure too, and as soon as I don’t feel so raw, I really want to do it again.
He turns his head towards me. Slowly his eyes open and focus, a smile spreading across his whole face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Andy this happy before. This beautiful. This at ease.
“Is it morning?” He says this as he turns, putting his arm around me and pulling me closer.
I nod, not wanting to break this spell, not wanting this look in his eyes to ever fade.
“How are you feeling?” His hands are in my hair, on my arm, down my hips. His soft touches are everywhere.
“Deliciously sore,” I answer with a sly smile. “I can’t wait until we can do that again.”
Andy lets out a chuckle and kisses my nose. “You got it, sweet girl.”
“Do you think Mel would mind if I have a shower?” I ask, not actually wanting to leave his bed, but knowing we need to go pack up my tent.
“No, of course not. Go on in and I’ll bring you a fresh towel.” He starts to move his arms, giving me space to get up, but I throw myself back on top of him.
“Just a few more minutes of this, first. Okay?” I nuzzle into him and he immediately curls himself back around me, holding on even tighter than before.
After minutes, or hours, or days, we pry ourselves off of one another and I shower.
Andy must have come in while I was showering and left two folded towels sitting on the sink.
When I come out of the bathroom and back into his room, he's changing the sheets.
I feel my cheeks burn, and quietly ask, “Is everything alright?”
He angles his head towards me, but I can't see his eyes.
“Oh. Yeah, it was just a little bit of blood.” I want to crawl into a cave and never come out.
He finishes putting the fitted sheet on and turns towards me with a small smile on his face.
He puts both hands on my shoulders and asks, “How was your shower? Feel better?” Then he places another kiss on my nose.
I'm unable to move at his casual attitude about the fact that I left blood on his bed. He doesn't seem grossed out or upset in any way. Meanwhile, I’m burning up with mortification at the thought of him having to clean up after me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, focusing on my bare feet on his carpeted floors.
“Lainey,” he pulls my chin up, those amber eyes so soft and full of love.
For me. “I don’t want either of us to feel sorry for a single thing about last night.
Alright?” His eyes tell me everything I need to know.
He doesn't just mean us having sex or the blood on the bed.
He also means him panicking and us leaving.
I don't want him to be sorry about that either.
I nod. Tears suddenly prick my eyes because I feel both completely safe with this person but also so uncertain of what challenges will be ahead of us.
It won’t be easy going to different schools and adding a new dynamic in our relationship.
Then there’s his panic attack, which I know in my bones wasn't his first. I don’t know what to make of any of it and I suddenly feel claustrophobic.
I step away from him and get dressed, trying to put aside all of these new thoughts and feelings.