CHAPTER 23 #2
“An emotional cocktail like I had tonight?” I continue, my voice quieter now. “It’s like a bomb going off. My heart and body take over, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t reel it in.”
I dip my head and fidget with the rings on my fingers. “I know how this sounds. It sounds like I’m unreliable and can’t keep it together. I get that.”
He doesn’t say anything and the silence is heavy as I wait him out. When he finally speaks, his voice is quieter than I expected. “What was it, then? What made you lose your cool tonight?”
I lift my head, meeting his gaze head-on. “Have you ever had someone you care about lie to you? Tell you something you believed with everything you had, only to find out it was all a lie?”
His eyes flick away, his expression darkening for a beat, like my question dragged up something he’d rather not remember. When his gaze returns to mine, there’s something raw in it. “Yeah,” he says, his voice rougher than before.
My heart twists. “It makes you feel like an idiot, right? Because deep down, you knew it was too good to be true. You knew something was off.”
He nods, his eyes tracing the lines of my face.
“That’s the kind of news I got tonight,” I say quietly.
He softly sweeps a few stray strands of my hair away from my forehead and tucks them behind my ear. A simple act that makes my breath hitch. “I’m sorry.”
The words are gruff, but they land with surprising weight, like they carry more than just an apology for what happened tonight. His hand drops to his side, but his body remains close.
“It fucked me up,” I admit, the words slipping out before I can stop them.
“Next time, come to me. Tell me what’s going on. I won’t put you up there if you’re not in the right headspace.”
“I will,” I whisper, my voice barely audible over the pounding of my heart.
“Say it,” he presses. His tone is firm but not unkind. “Say exactly what you’ll do if this happens again.”
I roll my eyes but give in, the corner of my mouth twitching. “Next time, I’ll tell you or Raven what’s going on.”
“If I let you stay.”
My jaw drops, but then I see it—the ghost of a grin tugging at the corner of his lips.
I shake my head, smiling despite my chaotic emotions. “Yeah, if you let me stay.” I flutter my lashes dramatically, my voice sugary sweet. “Please, Goose. Please let me stay. I’m sooo sorry I danced on the bar and dropped the bottle at your feet.”
His eyes blaze with heat as they rake over me. “Are you?” he murmurs, his voice rougher now. “Because it sounds like you’re not sorry at all.” He comes closer and props his hands on the wall behind me, caging me in. He lowers his face to mine.
I raise an eyebrow. “I mean… the tips were pretty amazing.” I take a shaky breath, and my words come out softer, breathier. Internally, I’m screaming at myself to stop being foolish. This right here is what turned me into an emotional mess to begin with.
“And…” The words disappear because his face touches mine, his lips brush over my cheek.
“And?” He whispers the word in my ear. My entire body shudders. Butterflies do loopty loops in my stomach, as chills race down my arms.
Hoarsely, I say, “And your pissed-off face… I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.”
The distance between our bodies disappears.
He presses his lower body against mine. My body melts against his without permission.
I place a hand on his chest, trying to hold him off, but he doesn’t budge.
His hot breath fans over my lips. The scent of whiskey and mint has my gaze zeroing in on his mouth.
“Lil’?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re staring?
“What?”
“You’re staring at my mouth, like it has all the answers you’re looking for.”
“I’m not.”
“Now, that’s a lie, and we both know it.”
My heart stutters. I’m torn between pushing him away and pulling him closer. I know what I should do. “I can’t think when you’re this close.” It’s the truth too. His nearness scrambles my goddamn brain.
His smile is dangerous and indecent. “I think today you’ve been more honest with me than ever before. Keep going, and I just might figure you out.”
His words are light, but the intensity between us is anything but.
“I doubt that,” I whisper. “I’m more complicated than you think.”
“Maybe. But I fucking love your kind of complicated, woman.”
My fingers curl into the leather of his cut. I grip it with both hands and do what I shouldn’t. I pull him closer, raise onto my tippytoes, and kiss him.
It’s a soft kiss, an exploration. He deepens it, but there’s tenderness there too. Our tongues stroke and play for a moment before he lightly places a chokehold on my neck, sending a thrill through me.
I snake one hand into his long hair as he lifts me, pressing me against the wall, and grinds his lower body into mine.
Heat floods into my core as I ride the ridge of his cock.
Suddenly, he lets go. My feet drop back to the ground as he yanks back and hisses. “Fuck.” His hand comes up to place a fist over his eye.
“Are you all right?” I ask and touch his shoulder with concern.
“Son of a bitch!” He shakes his head. “No, just give me a moment.” The words are harsh. I let my hand drop from his arm. His jaw muscles clench, and he takes a couple of deep breaths.
“What’s wrong?”
He stumbles slightly and plants one hand on the wall to steady himself. “Why the hell is it so much worse when I’m around you?”
Panic grips my chest. “What?”
He straightens, turns, and leans his back against the stucco. His eyes open, and his face twists with a grimace. “It’s like this shit has been escalating ever since you showed up. Coincidence or is there something you’re not telling me?”
“What do you mean?” is what I go with. The lie, my default. It’s what I know. What comes easily.
He stares hard. It’s not kind or anything like the look he was giving me before. It’s probing. There’s disbelief written all over his features.
“You have no idea what I’m talking about?”
“No.”
“No?”
I shake my head.
“Ever since you showed up, my migraines have gotten worse. There are things, memories that come back to me at certain times that seem to connect.”
My insides are rioting, but I do my best to keep my expression blank.“Like what?”
“Like now, when you said my name, and that night with the cat. And sometimes… sometimes when you dance, it triggers a reaction. It’s like seeing or hearing certain things unlocks something in my head, and suddenly I can see a past that’s been out of reach for me until now. That has to mean something.”
He stares at me for a long time.
Containing the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions his statement stirs up takes great effort on my part, because I’m warring with myself. My fight-or-flight instinct is running rampant. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why it’s happening.”
“The thing is, Lily, there’s something behind those eyes of yours. Something you’re not telling me. Something you don’t want me to know. I can see it when you look at me.”
This has me floundering for a response. My mouth opens, but nothing comes out.
“Tell me it’s nothing.”
I push down the shock and try to keep it from showing on my face. “It is. Or at least I’m not aware of whatever it is you think I’m keeping from you.”
His gaze analyzes me. He looks away for a beat, smooths his hair back, and asks, “So it’s just me being mental?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you’re also skirting around the fact that there is something you’re not telling me, right?”
“Goose.”
“What?”
“There are just some things I’m not ready to talk about. Can you just let it go?” He’s way too close to the truth, and I’m terrified that he will figure it out. I’m too deep into this for that discovery to end well.
“No. I really can’t.”
“Then maybe this was a bad idea to begin with.”
He stares and then huffs an incredulous chuckle that holds no humor whatsoever. “Jesus, woman, you’re a mind fuck, you know that?” He says it in jest, but it hits home.
“And you’re not?” The words just sort of fly out of my mouth. That’s the only excuse I have for them.
Based on his glare, I might as well have slapped him. He steps away, and I latch onto his arm. “Where are you going?”
“Gonna call it a night and talk about this another time.” His words slice through me, cold and final.
I throw my hands up in frustration. “Of course you’d say that.
Why not just leave me the fuck alone if you’re just going to push me away right after you reel me in?
” I reach down and grab my bag and throw it over my shoulder.
“I mean, fuck, I don’t need this.” I’m pushing these emotions forward, spoiling for a fight, doing anything I can to get him to back off, because I sense how easily this whole thing could unravel and fall apart now.
How much I must have given away, and maybe he’s piecing it together.
I start walking.
“Woman, wait—”
“No,” I snap, turn, and walk backwards. “Goodnight, bossman. I’ll see you on Tuesday.” Then I spin again and let the distance I put between us speak for me.
“Lil’!”
Like what, is it going to take a lobotomy for me to get this man out of my system? Have I not already learned my lesson here?
Goddamn it, Lily.
With that thought in mind, I don’t stop. I keep walking, knowing that distance is the answer. I need to get somewhere I can get my head straight and regroup. Stop this nonsense that I should have never let get started to begin with.