CHAPTER 27 #3
Somewhere in the middle of it all, I have a moment where I take stock of the people, the feeling of kinship, and the fact that I have a genuine smile on my face.
At some point, I dropped the act without even realizing it.
I’ve been participating in the conversations around me with natural enjoyment and interest in their lives.
I stopped playing a role and have completely stepped out of character.
Sure, my head plays tennis as I watch these people bicker and joke around, which eventually makes me a little dizzy, but I also kind of love it.
Like a stamp on that statement, Bethany grabs the nozzle connected to the soda and aims it at her husband. “Keep tellin’ the bar about our sex life and you’ll be wet the rest of the night, and not in a good way.”
He holds up his hands and walks away to help more customers while smiling like a fiend.
A throat clears behind me. I nearly slip from my stool when I look back to see a whole lot of muscle packed into a tight navy shirt. Looking up, I read the rank patch on his cut and then peer into light blue-gray eyes, which are so sharp they could cut glass.
He’s not looking at me, though. He’s looking straight ahead.
Bethany turns back to us. Her face pales, and she slowly lowers the nozzle from view.
Dozer clears his throat. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Bethany visibly swallows, and she grabs a hand towel on the counter. Her fingers clench around it. “What can I get you?”
“Another round of beers for everyone.”
“Sure.”
An uncomfortable silence settles around our little group as Bethany walks away to grab the beers and pop the tops off.
It sticks for a few long seconds after she hands them off to Dozer, and he leaves.
Hodge watches the interaction. A scowl quickly replaces his joyful expression.
His gaze swings from his wife to his HOC brother and back again.
Bethany shakes her head and grants us a fake smile.
“What just happened?” Because you know, my filter has vanished at this point.
There’s complete silence until Raven muffles a cough and says, “Bulldozed.”
“Yep, pretty much,” is Bethany’s reply.
The jovial mood sobers, but there’s still plenty of good conversation, and I learn a little about the people I’ll be spending the next few months of my life getting to know better.
I’m half-perched on my stool, waiting for Dozer to take his shot, when I spy the last woman I expected to see tonight sitting at the bar. The sight stirs my blood, and has my thoughts spill out of my mouth. “What’s she doing here?”
“Who?” Bodie asks, and his gaze follows mine when I lift my chin toward the bar.
Meanwhile, I’m eyeing Lily’s ass in those jeans, and the tattooed wings covering her back, revealed by her top. She’s sitting next to Raven, and the two are chatting up Bethany.
It suddenly makes sense why the men around this side of the room started migrating one by one toward the bar, because Bethany, Raven, and Lily together make quite a sight, like damn Charlie’s Angels.
“God almighty! Would you look at that!” Bodie jumps off his chair. “I need another drink. You comin’?”
I give him an annoyed stare. He shrugs it off and makes his way through the bar.
Halfway to his goal, he’s waylaid by a busty brunette.
He doesn’t miss a beat and pulls her into him.
As if he knows we’re watching, he turns to us, and smiles cockily.
When he eventually breaks away, he hollers, “Wish me luck!”
“With any other group of women, he’d be golden. But those three…” Cap, our president, shakes his head. “Got a twenty that says they’ll eat him alive.”
“I’ll bet you a hundi that he doesn’t walk away alone,” says Kendra, Septic’s loca little old lady. She’s sitting on my other side, and has been watching her old man kick all of our asses at pool the entire night.
Catching on to her words, everyone in our group cranes their necks to watch the spectacle play out.
Taz is leaning against the wall and flipping a knife end over end. He chuckles darkly under his breath. “That brunette is who he’ll be beddin’ tonight. She’s easy. He may look for a challenge, but he’ll settle for what he can have with the least amount of effort.”
Griz eyes Taz skeptically for a moment and then nods in agreement. “True that.”
“Shit,” Kendra grumbles, and begins to play with her lip ring as she watches the group at the bar. “Now that I think about it… you might be right, Taz.”
“Always am,” he deadpans.
“So what you’re sayin’ is, you’ve got nothin’ better to do than analyze Bodie’s love life. Just say the word, man, and if the tattoo shop’s that slow, we can all come get some new ink to keep you busy.” Dozer throws this out and shakes his head at Taz.
Taz catches his knife, sharp end in his hand. He squeezes his fist. His face shows nothing. He merely stares at Dozer. And their running rivalry continues. We thought it would die down with time, but it doesn’t look like that’s happening anytime soon.
Septic arrives at the table and steps up to his wife. She wraps her arms around his neck before planting a peck on his lips when he leans in for a kiss.
Cap, our president, knocks his knuckles on the table.
He delivers a harsh look to his son before giving the same to Taz, but it’s not until Mav, who’s lurking in the corner, says, “Knock it off, T,” that Taz lets it go.
The two seem to somehow understand each other.
Or maybe it’s that Taz is the only one who can stand to put up with Mav’s mood swings and vice versa.
Mav watches us all with disinterest as he lights up another smoke, not giving a fuck if he’s supposed to smoke indoors or not. Then he upends his beer bottle and finishes it. It dangles between his fingers as he takes a long pull on his cigarette.
“Oh shit! Did you see that?” Kendra goes up on her tippytoes. She moves her head around to peer through the crowd. “Raven just laid one on that chick sitting next to her. What’s her name… that new girl you hired?” She looks over at me with wonder and excitement.
“Lily?”
“Yeah.”
“Laid one on her?” Looking over, I have to wait for a few people to move out of the way before Lily comes back into view.
“Yep, on the lips. Did you know she swung that way?” she asks me as she retakes her seat.
I think of the way Lily reacted to my touch and the small glances we’ve shared.
The way she plays people like fiddles and can read a room within minutes and adjust to fit in.
That’s all it takes to reject any notion that she’s interested in Raven.
Plus, Raven isn’t one to fuck around on her partner.
Her goal above anything would be to get Bodie to back off.
She’d kiss anyone to make that happen. Lily, or a frog.
Wouldn’t matter as long as it got the brother to leave her the hell alone for the night.
“I don’t go around asking my employees who they like to fuck.”
My declaration pretty much shuts down the conversation on that matter, and thankfully, it moves on to Cap and Griz telling stories of the “old days,” which has Kendra and the honey on Stone’s lap enthralled. That is, until Dozer gets up and makes his way to the bar.
“Maybe he’ll have better luck with the new chick,” Kendra says.
“He’s got more interest in what’s behind the bar,” Taz mutters.
The balls on this one . I shake my head.
The fact he says that shit out loud, his caustic mouth, and the careless way he airs the club’s dirty laundry is what puts him at odds with half the club.
Not that he gives a rat’s ass about any of that, though.
He couldn’t care less who he pisses off, as long as he has his say.
Changing the subject, Griz asks, “You ready for me, Spice?” Kendra smiles warmly and nods. Septic lets her go after he plants another kiss on her mouth. When they break apart, Kendra jumps up from her chair and latches onto Griz’s offered arm.
Swear to fuck, the man has more game than the rest of us combined because he spends most of his Monday nights spinning women around the dance floor.
After I finish my beer, I stand and drop some money on the table. “If the waitress comes by, order another round,” I mutter before heading to the men’s room.
Stone calls out, “What? You gettin’ in on the action?”
“Is it a crime to take a piss?”
He glares up at me from where he sits, but I couldn’t give a fuck.
There’s something about him that rubs me the wrong way.
Yes, part of it is the way he puts his hands on Lily and the way he talks to her.
But there’s something else. His stance on club issues often differs from mine.
It’s hard to trust a brother whose decisions seem swayed more by money than on what’s good for the club long-term.
Truth be told, I want nothing more than to buy Lily a drink and sit in her company. Maybe spend the entire night talking to her and putting my hands on her. But it’s a fucking fantasy—something that haunts me daily and no matter how much I want it otherwise. Guess I’ve made my fucking bed.
I may never know exactly what I’d said that set her off, and that’s the part that fucks with me. Because now my only choice is to live with the consequences.
It takes a lot of willpower to look away from Lily once I see her up close. It was just a glimpse of her laughing. That’s it.
Her fucking smile, her laugh… and it does shit to me that I have no words for.
Before leaving the men’s room, I stare at this version of myself that doesn’t feel real.
The mirror doesn’t show the truths hidden under the surface, the mess underneath, the missing pieces that make me feel like a fucking spinning compass.
Nor does it show the dark thoughts of death when the pain becomes all I see, or these new cravings for things with Lily that I can’t voice or give in to.
There’s also the madman chasing a ghost, constantly searching for feathers and breadcrumbs, and clinging to the hope that if I can find enough of them, they’ll put my world right.
When a link ties to Lily in some way, my mind grabs it with both hands, because it’s the only way I can cope with my shitty fractured existence, and I start believing something I shouldn’t.
That Lily could be Elle.
Fucking crazy, right?
Does anyone else know what that’s like? To feel like your mind is the most fucked-up part of who you are?
That you can’t trust your own thoughts? That what you believe may not be real because your brain has the power to rearrange all the pieces to fit whatever scenario will help you get by for another day?
What I want is her. And doing nothing about it is eating a hole inside of me bigger than the ones already inside my head.
What I see looking back at me is a pretender who acts like he’s got his shit together, when in reality, I’m losing my goddamn mind. Camouflaging myself so no one sees how fucked-up things are in my head.
Bodie sees through it. Soon, others will too.