CHAPTER 34 #2
Cajun, Pike, and other members of our El Paso chapter rolled in later than expected.
Griz, Bodie, Mav, and I help them set up camp alongside ours with nothing but the firelight to guide us.
Having just finished, we’re standing around shooting the shit when Star strolls up with a few cold beers and passes them out.
She’s one of the clubpieces that came along for the ride.
A pretty blonde thing with a nice figure, but a mouth that leaves a lot to be desired.
Taz often refers to her as the club’s tank skank.
Mainly, because she’s not particular. She chases after any biker with a hog, particularly those with a higher-ranking patch.
Tonight, for whatever reason, I’m the unlucky bastard she’s set her sights on.
I take the beer graciously, but frown at her when she runs her hand up my chest. Without invitation, she wraps her hand around the back of my neck, presses her body into mine, and huskily whispers, “Can I do anything else for you?”
A weighty pause follows, like the others have stopped talking to listen in.
What I suspect is that Bodie—the one whose bike she rode in on—put her up to it.
She’s been vying for my attention most of the night—giving me sultry looks, staying close, touching me on occasion, clinging to me like a wet leaf, and no matter how gently I try to let her down, the girl won’t take a hint.
Bodie’s smirk, and the knowing fucking gleam in his eyes tell me I’m right.
I’ve been with her in the past, usually on wild-as-fuck nights when I’ve gotten too wasted to know better. And with how hard up I am, yeah, it’s fucking tempting.
But she’s not what I need. Not what I want.
Not going to lie, the thought did cross my mind earlier of using her as a way to not only distract me from Stone’s meaty paws all over Lily, but to see if the roles were reversed, and Lily had to witness someone all over me, would she feel what I feel? Would she give a fuck?
I never got the chance to test that theory. Stone dragged Lily off to his tent before I could fully consider it, and they’ve been in there for a while.
Sure, I could use Star as payback. It would give me something else to think about other than the awful thoughts running through my mind of what the fuck is happening inside that tent at this moment.
But I’m just not that guy. I want what I want, and Star may be able to get me off in the end, but the hollow feeling I’ll be left with afterwards just isn’t worth it.
I’d rather suffer in silence.
“Nah, sweetheart. I’m good.”
“Really?”
She looks aghast at this, like I’m fucking crazy. Maybe I am. Because isn’t that what a masochist is, someone who loves the pain of his own self-inflicted torment?
Instead of enjoying myself and finding someone who can love on me now, I’m filling my head with thoughts that make me sick to my stomach, staying on the peripheral of the party to catch any hint of lovemaking coming from this side of the camp, and turning myself inside out over a woman who runs from me at every opportunity.
I came on this trip to spend more time with her.
Sick, right? When I knew from the onset that she’d be accompanying Stone.
It was a guarantee that I’d see shit I didn’t like, that I’d be filled with jealousy to the brim, and hate every moment of it. And yet, here the fuck I am.
Watching. Waiting. Listening.
Hopelessly hoping for an outcome to this trip that ends with Lily somehow in my arms instead of the ones probably wrapped around her.
I emphasize this last part by removing Star’s hand and nodding toward the group partying closer to the fire pit. “Go enjoy yourself.”
“If you’re sure?
I nod, “More than.”
She nods but fuck if her advances don’t get more daring as the night wears on.
I’m almost at my limit of patience when—color me surprised as fuck—Stone reemerges at the party in nothing but his jeans, his massively tatted up chest on full display, and takes her off my hands.
When they’re both distracted, I take the opportunity to slip into the dark and out of sight.
I’m sitting in a lawn chair behind Stone’s tent at the far end of the camp. For the most part, the laughter and hollering of our group drown out all sound. But every so often, when it quiets, I hear Lily’s soft snores.
They’re fucking cute.
Yeah, I know it’s ridiculous. Not just that I find the way she breathes when she sleeps adorable, but that I’m sitting alone in the dead of night, propped on my elbow with my chin on my fist, head tilted to the side so I can catch any small sound she makes, like a desperate fool.
The moon is a large crescent, and it’s bright tonight. It someone were to come upon me, they’d surely ask what the fuck I’m doing. So I’m grateful that no one has, because there would be no hiding it.
I tell myself it’s not just to listen to her sleep. It’s to make sure no one fucks with her. That’s how I justify it to myself. That I’m protecting her from any drunk bastard who might stumble into the tent thinking it’s theirs and find her inside.
Time moves slowly forward, and little by little, the party dies off.
Stone, thank fuck, doesn’t return to the tent.
I’m so dialed in to any sounds she makes that my own breaths sync with hers, and her breathy exhales soon pull me into a peaceful doze. I’m not sure how much time passes this way, but at some point, my eyes close.
A small, helpless cry is what wakes me, nearly causing me to fall out of the chair.
Her “No, no, no,” causes a chain reaction in me, and my body jerks to full wakefulness.
The pills have worn off, and the pain is a crushing presence throbbing in my skull. But I couldn’t give a fuck. I push it to the side and stumble to the front of the tent.
Lily’s distress escalates. I unzip the front flap quickly and peer inside.
My exhale is made entirely of relief. The window on the side of the tent is open, letting in just enough moonlight to see by.
She’s alone and wrapped up like a burrito in a green sleeping bag with her head on a pillow at the other end of the tent.
I take a moment to pull myself together, letting my heart rate resettle.
It’s my name escaping her lips in a small whimper that draws me forward. Not Goose. Finn. And the way she says it. It isn’t just spoken softly; there was a wealth of feeling behind it, like a plea or a prayer.
With all the stealth I can muster, I crawl inside the tent, not yet sure if I intend to wake her or comfort her from the bad dream. She’s facing me, her fingers clasped around the end of the pillow. Her lashes flutter, and there’s movement behind her eyelids.
Another distressed whine leaves her. She shakes her head slightly as if to say no , and her hand squeezes tightly, releases, again and again. This time, when she cries out, her lips part afterwards, and she speaks. “You pro-o-mised me-e.”
Promise.
And it’s this that levels me where I sit crouched before her.
Because this word… it has the power to shift my world completely. To send my heart soaring to the fucking clouds and beyond. But when I grasp what this could possibly mean… the scale of how much it means to me, my heart falls like a fucking anvil.
For years, I’ve questioned my recollections, my logical reasoning, and my own sanity.
That’s been magnified a hundredfold since Lily arrived.
I’ve hoarded every memory and sifted through them a million times to sort truth from fiction.
I’ve but given up hope that any of it would make sense. But those words spilling from her lips…
You promised me .
This may very well be the truth behind why she’s pushing me away.
The same truth I’ve been searching for for nearly ten fucking years.
The grandest of feathers, and something I’ve never forgotten, no matter how many other memories I’ve lost. Because it’s written in bold black letters all over my bedroom walls.
YOU PROMISED HER.
KEEP YOUR PROMISE.
They have been guiding my path and pushing me forward when I lose hope, because it was never a promise I meant to break.
The fact that I did and left Elle behind, and not only behind, but vulnerable, helpless, and alone, has gutted me to my core, made me feel like the one person in this life I was meant to protect, I failed. Little by little, it has eaten at my soul and crippled my mind.
I’ve been telling myself for months that I’m losing it. That I’ve gone mad when I make a correlation to something Lily does or says to a memory from my past.
But what if these links aren’t false connections?
What if I wasn’t getting it wrong but just being led astray?
Fuck.
The riotous anger comes then. Because Jesus. It makes sense.
I suspected when my notes about the name Angel and Veno’s words about her pointed to this, but I talked myself out of it.
And I get that this isn’t solid proof, but it’s enough to have me questioning everything: the legitimacy of Lily’s stories, background, and information that she’s been spoon-feeding me from day one.
Has she been lying this entire time? Lying to keep me at a distance?
Because that’s the one thing that’s never added up. Why am I the only one she stays away from?
Why push me away and seek attention from every HOC brother but shun me when the attraction we share is undeniable?
Suspicion and anger drive me away. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions, and I already know the answers I’ll get if I approach this directly—more of the same.
When I make it back to my tent, my head’s fucked—a mess of puzzle pieces, feathers, and breadcrumbs that whirl around like a janky merry-go-round inside my brain.
How many other things did I dismiss about her because I thought they were trivial?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Sharp pain spreads to the back of my skull and down my spine. It gets more intense the longer I try to reason it all out.
I push through it only to be rewarded with another bloody nose. I need to stop. Stop thinking. This riddle has taken more than ten years off my life, no, triple that, and if I don’t quit, it’ll take even more. My brain feels like it’s tearing itself apart the more I try to remember.
I pop a few pills, and they inevitably pull me under and grant me mercy. The numbness sinks in and slows down the spinning in my mind.
I don’t know how long I sleep, but Bodie shakes me awake sometime later. “Hey, man. Everyone’s getting ready to head out.”
I try to get up. I really do. But he’s a blur, and my body feels like a heavy bag when I attempt to sit up. I finally manage it, and I rub my eyes as I try to shake off the exhaustion weighing me down. It doesn’t help that my head is screaming this morning,
“What happened?” Bodie is holding up the bloody shirt I used last night to stop the nosebleed. His face is filled with concern.
“Just another nose bleed. Not a big deal.”
I avoid his gaze as I run my hand over the blankets searching for the pill bottle. He finds it before I do and passes it over to me.
“Grab me some water, will ya?”
He nods and leaves to do just that. While he’s gone, I swallow two pills dry. When he returns, I take another two under his watchful gaze and chase them down with water.
“I told the guys to take off without us. I’ll stay behind with you until you’re up to riding, and we’ll meet up with them when we get to Reno. Which means, you’re gonna lay your ass back down and get a few more hours of shuteye.”
I’m already shaking my head before he finishes speaking. “No. Go. I’ll be fine.”
But after a small argument with him, that’s precisely what happens.
I give in, lie back down, and pass the fuck out.
Three thoughts keep circling in my head as Bodie and I ride toward Reno.
One: I need to figure out how to go about getting answers from Lily in ways she can’t deny.
Two: That this is the first time I’ve been negligent in my duties as Road Captain, and with the way my life is going, I need to do the honorable thing and step down and hand in my patch.
There’s a chance, though a slim one, that Cap will cut me out of the club because of the pills, but I need to come clean about them.
Three: the sobriety coin in my pocket feels like it’s burning a hole through my jeans.
I don’t deserve to carry it anymore, and doing so feels like a sin in itself.
It’s another broken promise that wrecks me. This one to my father.
But I can’t function without the pills. And I’m also no good to anyone if I can’t think clearly.
So I’m damned either way.
It sinks home with each mile I drive that there’s no winning this battle. There’s only surviving it long enough to do what I’m here to do. If Lily’s who I think she is, confirming that and explaining myself, seeking her forgiveness before I go… that’s all I can hope for.