CHAPTER 46 #2
Fury rips through me. Spinning, I shout, “ Don’t call me that!”
His eyes spark to life at my anger. “What? Little Bird ?”
I stab a finger towards him. “Don’t.”
“Why not?”
I practically spit the words at him. “Because, first of all, I’m no one’s. Least of all yours. And I’m sure as hell not some little bird in need of saving, or some girl who didn’t mean shit to you.”
I unlock my car and open the door.
With a few quick strides, he grabs the car door, then my elbow, and pulls me away from it. When he spins me around, I slap him.
He growls, grabs both of my hands, and presses them down at my sides. He forcibly plants me against the side of my car and slams the door shut.
Then he’s discarding his cut, tossing it onto the hood. In one swift motion, he rips his shirt over his head and throws it on top of his jacket. His chest heaves as he glares at me, slapping a hand against his bare skin over his hard pecs and the massive tattoo taking up residence on his skin.
“Look at me! Look at my fucking chest and tell me you didn’t mean shit to me! Christ, Little Bird. Can’t you see you meant everything to me?”
My laugh is low and haunted. “Not enough.”
“Don’t say that. God, don’t fucking say that.
Because it feels like I’ve spent half my life searching for you.
” He cups my face in both his hands, his thumbs wiping the tears from my cheeks.
His guttural tone is pleading. “You’re a glorious mindfuck, Lily, but I know who you are.
I don’t know how I lost you, but I’ll be damned if I let you walk away from me without telling me why. ”
When I stay silent, he demands, “Tell me why.”
“I didn’t walk the fuck away. You disappeared! I had no way to reach you. No word from you. And I stayed as long as I fucking could, waiting around for you. Do you have any idea of the situation you left me in—with Veno—with that creepy-as-fuck Chester-the-Molester landlord of yours.”
He snaps, “I didn’t disappear on you. I got blown the fuck up!”
I shout right back, “I know that now!”
“So why come here and lie about who you are? Why not tell me and help me remember?”
I lock up at this and search my mind for a lie he’ll believe. It’s more of a half-truth than a full-out lie. “The shit I’ve done… the things I’ve had to do to survive…” after you left. “Y ou have no goddamn idea.”
“Then tell me.”
“I can’t. I won’t. Not when you’re so quick to judge, and I’m not going to relive all of that shit just so you can get your answers.”
His mouth sets in a firm line. He presses his forehead to mine.
“I’ve murdered people. I’ve got so much blood on my hands, you could drown in it.
I abandoned my own father when he needed me the most. I’ve slept with countless women.
Done every drug imaginable. There’s not one damn thing you could say to me that would make it impossible for me not to love you. ”
“Yeah, there is, you just don’t realize it.”
He rasps, “God, woman. Don’t you see?”
“See what?”
“I already fucking do! I fucking do. I have and I do and it’s the only goddamn thing in this life that makes any sense to me.”
Tears blur my vision, and I can’t hold it together anymore. “Finn…”
“Please, baby,” he whispers. “Please.” He backs up and stares directly into my eyes.
A fist squeezes the heart in my chest. “Please, just let it go. There are things I can’t say, reasons I kept my distance, and you’re only making me realize I was right to.”
“You can tell me. Whatever it is.”
I push him back and remove myself from his temporary cage. I reopen my door and use it as a barrier between us. “See that’s the thing, Goose. I can’t. I honestly can’t. Because you might think it will fix this, but I promise you, it will be the end of us.”
He places his hand over my cheek, then gently pecks my lips, trying to get me to soften for him.
I’m shaking as I fight not to give in to him.
His lips brush back and forth over mine.
“I love you. I loved you then, I fucking know it, and I love you now, lies and all. I just need you to trust me and let me in.”
I pry his hand away. The hope on his face fades. “I can’t. Not yet. Maybe someday, but until then, I need you to back off.”
“Lily.”
“No, I’m sorry, just… I can’t. I think maybe we rushed into this and should… I didn’t think this through.”
“What?” When I stay silent, he shouts, “What… just say it?”
“This isn’t a good idea.”
“What the fuck. You’ve got to be kidding me. How the fuck can you say that !” He cradles the back of his head and paces a few steps away, looking toward the sky. When he faces me again, he’s breathing heavily and his face is riddled with anger. “Please tell me you’re not serious.”
I clench my fingers around the door, ready to shut him out before I change my mind. I tell myself it’s for him. It’s what I have to do to keep him safe and away from the mess I’ve weaved. “I am. Let’s just cool it for a while, okay?”
“Lil’. Don’t do this, baby. Please don’t fucking do this.”
“I’m sorry. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have started this with you, knowing I couldn’t let you in.”
“It doesn’t have to be like this.”
I look down for a moment. Images come to mind of how wrong this could all go if I don’t walk away.
If I come clean as a rat, as a spy, it will implicate him.
I’ve seen the Greenback kill their own men for less countless times.
He’s only safe if he knows nothing. When my gaze meets his again, I hope my eyes convey how fucking sorry I am, and how torn.
“That’s the thing… it does. I wish it didn’t, but it does. ”
I see him swing his fist and kick the dirt, and hear his yelled, “God-fucking-damnit,” as I get into my car, and shut the door.
He closes the distance and puts his hand on the car as if to stop me.
I slowly pull forward. As I move through the parking lot, I watch him in the rearview mirror.
I see him grip his head with both hands in frustration.
He sinks to his knees on the blacktop, his hands go to the ground, and he bows his head.
For the next few days, he’s absent from the club. No longer there when I leave. No one has heard from him. Raven says he won’t answer her calls, and his HOC brothers can’t find him.
He’s simply a ghost.