CHAPTER 49
The flipside of what sustains us is that it can also drain us of life when absent.
I feel a feather-light touch on my arm, then my face. My body is impossibly heavy, every muscle thick with exhaustion, and my eyelids refuse to cooperate. But that touch, so soft and delicate, drifts down my arm, and then unexpectedly, gives warmth when a hand grips mine.
“Finn.” Her angelic and soothing voice pierces through the fog clouding my head. “Can you open your eyes, baby?”
It’s a lifeline, pulling me closer to the surface.
“Finn.”
My head hurts, a dull ache radiating through my skull, but muted, somewhat distant, which I’m thankful for. When I blink open my eyes, her form slowly sharpens. She sits beside me. Lily. Even in my hazy state, I’d know those features anywhere.
She rises slightly from her seat, and for a second, fear that she’s going to disappear and that this dream is ending fills me.
My hand tightens around hers instinctively, desperate to keep her here, with me.
But the image doesn’t disappear. Instead, she leans over me.
Her fingers brush through my hair, smoothing it back from my face with the gentlest touch.
“Hey, baby,” she whispers, her voice soft, but a touch of sadness lingering beneath the surface.
“Lil’,” I murmur, my voice hoarse.
“I’m here,” she says, her swollen and red-rimmed eyes locking onto mine, and I can’t look away.
“What happened?”
She frowns and her brows bunch together. It tugs at my chest, pulling at the ache that’s been there for so long. “Too many pills, baby. We nearly lost you.”
I close my eyes, the weight of it all pressing down on me.
“Hey, hey. Look at me,” she says.
She’s beautiful—so fucking beautiful—even without the makeup, without the armor she usually wears, and she’s never looked more real to me than in this moment. Puffy eyes and all. There’s a messy bun piled on top of her head, and she’s wearing an oversized hoodie.
I study her tender expression. The warmth in my chest spreads, a combination of relief and regret. “You called me, baby,” I murmur, the words slipping out before I can stop them.
She chuckles softly, and the sound wraps around me like a blanket, comforting and familiar.
“Am I dreaming?” This feels too good to be anything but a dream.
“No, baby. This is real.” Her fingers trail over my forehead and temple, then through my hair again, and it’s feels so fucking good. I never want it to stop. “Stay with me, Finn,” she whispers the gentle plea. A feather-light touch brushes across my lips.
I blink, trying to fight the pull that’s dragging at the edges of my consciousness. When my eyes open again, she’s still there, leaning over me.
“Not uh,” I tease weakly, my lips curling into a faint smile. “Call me baby.”
I open my eyes, fighting the heaviness, and see her— really see her. She’s right there, and I realize that the kiss wasn’t a dream. “Do that again,” I beg.
She does. Her lips meet mine again. This time, I let go of her hand so I can cup her face, but the weight of my arm feels strange, like it’s not my own.
My strength returns slowly, and finally, I cup her cheek, my thumb trails over her smooth skin as I hold her face.
She’s close enough that I can feel her breath on my lips.
I’ve missed this so fucking much.
“Fuck hell, Lil’. I missed you,” I breathe, pulling back to my lips, just a peck. It’s all I need, this small connection to her. “But I don’t remember.” I groan, “That doesn’t make sense, does it?”
She laughs softly, that low, sexy sound that sends warmth through me. “Your mind and body know, baby. I get it.”
“Yeah,” I murmur, my voice trailing off. “That.”
The moment feels too perfect to be real, and I want to stay lost in it. But then there’s a clatter, a burst of chatter from the doorway, and reality crashes in.
“Oh, fuck. He’s awake. Hey, love birds,” Bodie’s boisterous shout has Lily pulling away just enough to glance toward the door.
My hand falls back to hers, and she laces her fingers through mine. I shift in the bed, angling my head enough to see him.
Bodie, with a large bag in his hands, grins as he takes in the scene.
That’s when I realize Mateo’s in the room, sitting quietly in the corner.
Dozer and Raven follow Bodie in, their arms full of takeout bags and coffee.
The delicious scent, when it reaches me, makes my stomach respond with interest.
Bodie sets his bag down on the table beside me. When his gaze connects with mine, his smile dims.
“How’re you feeling?”
“Like shit. Drained,” I admit, but it’s not just the physical pain—it’s the weight of everything. The mess I’ve made and dragged everyone through.
“I bet.”
Lily squeezes my hand and says, “I’ll give you two a second to chat.” She flashes me a slight grin that tugs at my heart, then lets go of my hand.
I want to cling to her, keep her close, but I know better. Clinging to her like a desperate man isn’t a turn-on. Going against my instincts, I let her go, for now.
“You gave us a scare, man,” Bodie says, claiming my full attention.
“Guess I’m getting pretty good at that,” I mumble, the fog in my brain lifting a little more. I try to swallow, but my throat is dry, and I wince as I shift further up on the bed. I search for the remote. He finds it and hands it over to me. I raise the top of the bed so I can sit up fully.
Bodie chuckles, though there’s no humor in it. “Yeah, well, I could do without the practice. Nearly gave me a heart attack, man. I’m too young for that shit.” He takes a seat in the chair Lily vacated and leans back in it while running a hand through his messy waves.
I glance over at Lily, who’s standing off to the side, watching us quietly, her arms crossed like she’s holding herself together.
Bodie follows my gaze, then leans in, lowering his voice. “You found her.”
I shake my head, because that doesn’t feel quite right.
“What?” he asks.
“Nothin’, man. Can’t really voice the shit going on in my head at the moment.”
He nods. “Yeah, I get it. Don’t push yourself to either. Just relax and know you’re a lucky son of a bitch.” He leans forward and places his hand on my arm. “She loves you, man. Wouldn’t leave your side.”
I close my eyes for a second, letting his words sink in. Lucky . Yeah, maybe I am. Because if this is reality and not a dream, if she’s here and calling me baby, then fuck yeah, I’d say I’m lucky. But only in this.
There’s still the massive issue of how I got here in the first place, and what I’ll do when whatever they have pumping into my IV to numb the pain wears off.
“And for what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re finally together, no matter how it came about.”
“Will you watch over her…? You know, with Veno still out for blood.”
His hand squeezes my arm. “Don’t even ask. We’ll watch everything— her , especially, and Mateo. We got you.”
Turning my arm, I grip his. It’s a promise, a vow.
Once made, I relax back, the tension leaving my frame.
If there is anyone in this world I trust to have my back, it’s him.
He stands. Hesitates. After letting out a pent-up breath, he mutters, “I’m sorry I forced the pills on you.
I thought it would buy you time. I realize now, after talking to the doctor, that you’re going to know your own body better than anyone else, and if the other pills were fucking you up in a way you didn’t like, then I should have taken you at your word and listened, looked for another option. ”
Guilt fills his expression. Closing my eyes, I shake my head and say, “No, don’t do that.
Don’t put this on yourself. My problem. My choices.
If I’d taken them like I should have, I wouldn’t be here.
I wanted it to end, so I popped ’em like Tic Tacs to make that happen.
Just got sick of the constant pain, you know.
And without her, none of it made sense. Didn’t see the point of just prolonging the inevitable. ”
He nods. “I get it. But we’ll find a way to fix it. I swear we will. And you have a reason to live now, brother. So, keep pushing through.”
I open my eyes, staring up at the ceiling. The faint hum of the hospital machinery fills the silence. “No more pills. That’s not the answer. There’s got to be another way.”
“No more pills,” Bodie replies, his tone saying he’ll make sure of it.
“I’ll call that surgeon in Cali—when you’re ready.
I think it’s time you see what your options are on that route or with some of the stuff Lily told me about.
No more quick fixes. Someone somewhere will know how to help. And maybe a little rehab.”
Fuck.
The word rehab hangs between us, heavy and suffocating.
I glance over at Lily again, and she meets my gaze.
There’s no judgment, just quiet understanding.
I imagine they’ve talked quite a bit while I’ve been out, and the fear and concern in her blue eyes nearly undoes me.
She’s here. Finally, here with me. And she’s waiting to see what comes next.
Bodie waits patiently, watching me closely. The rest of the room sits in utter silence, like they’re all waiting to see what I’ll choose.
I scan the room and see the stark fear and hope on all their faces. I pause on Mateo’s, seeing how much emotion he’s holding back—the storm brewing in his eyes. When I glance at Lily, she’s worrying her lip and shifting in place.
There she is. My little bird . Afraid to hope for more than this, but wanting it just the same.
Her eyes are soft, shimmering with unshed tears, but she stands strong, like she’s been through hell and back and is still standing. My heart aches, the weight of everything crashing down on me as I look at her, and for a long time, I say nothing. Just look at her.
“What should I do, Lil’?” I ask quietly, my voice barely more than a rasp.
Her breath catches, and I see her lips tremble before she presses them together. She steps forward, her gaze never leaving mine, and comes to stand beside me again. Gently, she reaches for my hand, her fingers slipping into mine. The warmth of her touch sends a shudder through me.
“I want more time,” she whispers, her voice thick with emotion but steady, determined. “Any time we can steal, Finn. I want it. So whatever we have to do to help you and buy more of it, then we do it.”
That hits me hard. Any time we can steal . I swallow past the lump in my throat, push through the haze in my head, trying to find the right words. Her hand squeezes mine, and somehow that simple touch gives me the strength.
I meet and hold her stare. “Bodie might be right about rehab. I don’t want to do it, but getting clean might be for the best before I figure out what comes next.”
She nods and squeezes my fingers.
“Will you wait for me?”
Lily smiles, tears slipping down her cheeks. She leans down and presses her lips to mine. She gives me a lingering kiss. It’s like a promise—a silent one we both understand.
“As long as it takes. Wild horses and all that shit couldn’t keep me away.” Tears trail down her face now. She cups my cheek, her eyes never leaving mine. “I promise, baby.”
I promise .
It’s everything I need to hear. We share a kiss, and then she sits beside me, our hands clasped together.
We hold on to one another tight, as if we’re both afraid to let go.
And for the first time in a long time, the weight of my addiction and pain feels a little lighter.
Everything in my life feels fragile, like I’m standing on the edge of something that could go either way.
But this— her —the dream of a life with this beautiful, crazy woman is a solid one I want with everything I am. Something I would die to hold on to.
Bodie watches us, his expression softening with relief, and when Lily steps back, he nods, standing up. “You’re making the right choice, man,” he says, his voice full of emotion. “I can feel it in my nether regions.”
Shaking my head, a gruff laugh escapes me, but it turns into a groan as a sharp pain slices through my head.
Dozer smacks the back of Bodie’s head.
“Shit,” Bodie says. “What was that for?”
“For making him laugh.”
Bodie rolls his eyes, but I love seeing the way Lily smiles at their antics. Raven looks less amused, probably because Bodie constantly tries her patience.
Bodie grumbles, “Fuck. I didn’t realize this was a funeral.”
“Oh my God!” Lily laughs, covering her mouth with her hand.
Raven gasps and screeches, “Bodie!”
Flashing his dimples, Bodie asks, “What, too soon?”
Dozer yanks him into a headlock—not a serious one, but just enough to shut him up.
Bodie manages to get free and gives him the finger as he curses and moves to the other side of the room.
He digs through the to-go bags. He comes back and passes me over what looks to be a breakfast burrito from my favorite fast-food joint.
I open the wrapping to see the burrito covered in green chili, just how I like it.
Once finished, and while the others are occupied in conversation, I motion Mateo forward.
He comes to my side, and I ask, “You okay?”
There’s a shadow in his gaze. He plays it off, trying to show he’s unaffected.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “It won’t happen again.”
With a grim nod, he says, “Yeah, okay.”
“You were supposed to see any of that. It’s not right, what I put you through.” When he doesn’t say anything, I sigh and say, “I’ll get right, get clean, and I be there for you. I know this isn’t what you need—you needed someone stable to depend on, and I’m sorry, I’ve fucked this up.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m not your problem.”
“No, you’re not, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be. I like having you at my place. I like being there for you when you need someone, and I want to continue to be if you’ll let me.”
He wraps his arms around his stomach and nods. Emotionally, he’s shut down, and I know it’ll take time. But I can only move forward and make this up to him, prove to him and everyone here what I’m made of. If I have to go away for a bit to sort myself out, then it’s what I need to do.
But before I do, I’ll make sure he’s solid, watched out for. He may not be my son, but I care for him like he’s my own flesh and blood. Right now, my head can’t wrap around the details, but I know Raven and Bodie will help. Lily and the club will too.
Glancing around the room, I take in the faces of the people who’ve stood by me, who haven’t given up on me, and I know I’ve got no other choice but to turn this around. I’ve got to get some help and keep fighting through the pain.
As Lily and I lock eyes one more time, my heart gives a heavy, hopeful thud.
It’s a promise I mean to keep .
I gave up heaven for this girl. There is nothing on earth I wouldn’t do for her.