CHAPTER 58 #2
“Just for you, baby.” He pulls me closer, so our bodies move as one in a slow figure eight. His warmth floods into me, and the gravity of this, at finally having all I’ve ached for for so long, hits me all at once. It takes everything in me not to let the emotions spill over.
“Finn?”
He draws back, and our breaths mingle in this tiny space between us. “Yeah, baby?”
“I kinda love you. Not sure if you’ve picked up on it, but I thought you should know.”
His smile is blinding now, extended fully.
It’s devastating to my heart, in a way, Cupid probably takes out unsuspecting victims with this arrow.
I haven’t said it like this. So stark and naked.
My whole heart thrown into those words. It’s always been in the middle of our hard times, or the heat of passion, or said in the height of fear when I thought I was going to lose him.
However, this is simply because I can no longer contain it and no longer want to. I also want to give voice to it in the good times, in our steady moments of certainty.
He’s my home. My peace. My future. That place I always wanted to find to land, but never could, because I did everything in my power to avoid him when he was precisely the very thing I needed.
I may not always be able to say it with pretty words, but I plan to always show him by loving him so damn thoroughly he’ll never doubt it.
“I know, baby. Love doesn’t even seem like the right word, though, does it? You’re my damn heart. That’s the truth of it. You make every struggle I had to face to get here worth it. And I’d do it again if I knew this would be the outcome.”
“You probably shouldn’t say things like that.”
He chuckles and looks down at me. “Why?”
“Because it makes me feel weak. Like I may need to hear it every day, and that sounds way too needy.”
He studies me for a moment, and our movements slow. “Needing me doesn’t have to be a bad thing, Lil’. Not when it’s the same for me.”
“No, but it is scary sometimes. The thought of losing it again.”
He wraps his arms around my shoulders and holds me tight. Rocks me back and forth. “I get it. Having this and losing it, don’t think I’d survive it a second time. God willing, we’ll never have to.”
A confession spills from my lips. “You know, I used to dream about you, too.”
Drawing back, he lifts my chin. “You did?”
“Yeah, I ended up going to a hypnotist. Crazy thing is, it worked, well mostly, or at least for a while. Would you maybe want me to check into it for you?”
He shakes his head immediately. “I like the dreams, Lil’. I mean… yeah, they may suck and sometimes there’s demons I have to face when I close my eyes, but there’s also you, parts of you, and I don’t want to miss out on any pieces still waiting for me to find them.”
I finger away a stray tear that dares escape. “Damn it, Finn.”
“God forbid I go first.” He gets choked up at this. “Know that I’ll be there waiting for you to find me.” He pinches my chin and places a sweet kiss on my lips. “Just promise me, you’ll find me too when the time comes.”
“God, Finn. You wreck me. You know that?”
“You wreck me, too, baby. You save me and wreck me in equal measure.”
His arms wrap around me again, and I bury my face in the curve between his neck and chest. We slow dance time and place blur around us. In this space, it’s just us.
He holds me so tightly that I doubt death could pry us apart.
We sway together in the dim light, and my heart feels full, to the point it might gallop right out of my fucking chest. Lily, in my arms, soft and warm against me, is everything.
It’s what I’ve ached for nearly my entire life.
Like I knew, I just knew this was the kind of happiness—completeness, I’d been missing out on.
I’ve fought wars, faced death, and lost so much, but nothing—nothing—compares to the fear I have of losing her again.
She’s my tether to this life, my anchor, the point of the compass that tells me where home is.
She came back to me, bared every scar, told every truth, and fought like hell for me when I couldn’t fight for myself.
I can never repay her for that, but tonight… tonight, I’ll try.
She’s always been my world, even when I was too blind or too broken to see it.
I feel it in every beat of my heart and breath.
My body knows hers, my soul recognizes this.
We’re bound, not just by time and circumstance, but by something deeper.
She’s the only woman who’s ever made me feel this way—like I have a purpose and there’s genuine hope for the future.
As we move together to the slow, heady beat, I’m lost in her.
Underneath all that love, there’s a nervousness bubbling up.
I’m about to do something so wildly out of character, but damn it, she deserves it.
She deserves a grand gesture. Something that shows her, in front of everyone, how much she means to me.
For every moment she stayed by my side, for all the ways she fought for us, for me, for being brave enough to love me through the darkest hours.
She came here, and her actions have not only saved my club, but they will eventually save so many lives. We can now see what’s coming, rather than being blindsided.
So yeah, this woman deserves everything, and I’m going to give it to her.
I meet Raven’s gaze from across the room and nod. She grins a little maniacally and rushes off to do my bidding. She also holds her finger high in the air and circles it to signal to everyone that the time has indeed come.
Before Lily can catch on to the mood change around us, I guide her to the bar and order Lita to pour us a few shots. I’m gonna need a bit of liquid courage to get through it, and a shot or two isn’t going to send me down river when I have so much to live for now.
Lily holds her shot up to mine and raises a brow. “You sure?”
I grin, “Positive.”
“Okay, then cheers to . . .”
“To us. To our beginning and all the days ahead.”
Her eyes light up. She repeats my words and clinks her glass against mine before we both sling them back.
Bodie comes up and lays his hand on my shoulder. “Hey, you ah… got a sec? I need you for that thing. Uh-mmm. You know?”
Lita coughs and tries to contain her laugh. I see Griz shake his head in my peripheral vision. Taz grumbles unintelligible words under his breath and palms his face. I give Bodie a look that promises death if he ruins this for me. Then I turn back to Lily.
“What’s going on?” She asks, and her gaze darting around the clubhouse. Her brows knit together, a spark of curiosity spilling into her features.
I shake my head, give her waist a quick squeeze, and lean in to whisper in her ear. “Just got something I’ve got to do real quick. Wait for me?”
“Sure.”
I pull away from her slightly, a grin tugging at my lips as I stare down at her confused, beautiful face. “I promise, I won’t be long.”
After leaving her, I slip into the crowd.
Raven emerges, carrying a chair, to place it in the middle of the dance floor, a few feet away from where Lily stands.
I hear Bodie’s loud mouth yelling something, and the laughter that follows.
I stride quickly to grab what I stashed behind the bar for this moment and slip into Cap’s office.
It takes me a few minutes to change into the outfit Raven provided.
Oh, she had many ideas. I shut down all but three to her chagrin.
Ultimately, I had to go with the obvious choice and something that would leave a lasting impression.
Then I spent nearly two weeks working with Raven when I could to learn some moves I could actually pull off.
From past accounts by new hires, I’d gotten the idea that Raven was a patient teacher.
Maybe she was with the women, but all bets were off when the tables were turned, and I suddenly became her subordinate.
It’s like she got off on and giving me shit, found a bit of glee in reducing me to a piss poor student, who apparently, didn’t have any rhythm, and she went as far as to tell me that my dance skills were a few decades out of date.
I’d show her. And fuck what anyone thought. This was for one woman and one woman only. I’d dance my ass off if it meant she’d say yes.
I finished buttoning up my shirt, threaded my belt into my pants, and slipped my shoes on. Then, I grabbed my cap and tucked it under my arm.
As a rule, I didn’t wear much white—fuck knows why, maybe maybe it offends my dark soul. But everything but the bill of the cap was just that: stark white, except the buckles. I’d never live down this moment. Me, an Army guy in a Navy uniform, which was the point, to look like a certain pilot.
But this wasn’t about me. It was about Lily, and this piece of our history tucked away in one of those journals. A string that tied her to my road name in a way she may not even remember.
I watched birds. Sometimes, I craned my neck to do so while on the road.
Griz tried to settle me with one species of bird name or another, Crane, Buzzard, and fucking Sparrow.
He’d thrown out name after name and even tried to tell me I didn’t have a choice in the matter.
Then he’d thrown out Goose, and something about it hit home, and just felt right.
I’d had no idea why at the time. It wasn’t until I’d gone through the journals Lily had given me while in rehab that I realized why.
We’d watched Top Gun, and Lily had bawled her eyes out when Goose died. It reminded her of her dad, and she’d broken down, or so my notes said. It sparked a worry in her that I wouldn’t return, and it’s what had her demanding that promise from me.
The promise that kept me tethered to her all this time and searching for a ghost.
So I’d bring the memory full circle and show her that this Goose had at least made it home and planned to spend the rest of my remaining days by her side.
Before stepping out, I put on the cap. Bodie is standing right outside Cap’s door, ready to signal Raven to start the music, but the moment he sees me, he loses his shit.
A laugh explodes out of him, and even when he tries to cover his mouth to contain it, he can’t.
The fucker ends up taking his phone from his back pocket and snapping a picture.
Did I steal his phone and toss it down the hallway? I sure as fuck do. Then, head held high, I walked into the main room just as the opening notes of Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins starts crackling through the speakers.
I’d make a damn fool of myself if that’s what it’d take to convince her to be my old lady and wear my property patch, which is exactly what I do.
The hollering and catcalls are distant echoes.
I’m so in my own head, focused on Lily and my steps, that the crowd sort of fades into the background.
It’s like Lily said. Sometimes the music and the moment take over, and it’s an out-of-body experience; the emotions take hold, and everything else, right or wrong, disappears.
Embarrassing myself doesn’t matter.
Her smiles.
Her laughs.
Her tears.
Her nod of “yes”.
The way she accepted the property vest and ran her fingers over Lil’ Bird.
The way she practically tackled me to jump into my arms.
And the way she kissed me like she’d never been so happy in her entire life until this moment.
Those were the things that mattered.
I held her, knowing she was mine and that she always would be.
A dream I never wanted to wake from. Each day will be a blessing.
She could roam wherever she wished as long as she took me with her.
That’s what this meant to me. That no matter what came our way, we’d face it together, no matter the weather.