Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
PHOENIX
Aweek goes by. Painfully slow. Torturously slow, actually.
Every morning I wake up before dawn so I can spend a couple of hours meditating by myself before breakfast. Afterward, I join my Ezkai for their morning drills.
Moving my body in a way that’s familiar is the only thing keeping me sane, because after that, I spend the rest of the day meditating with Kazh.
She keeps me in the meditation room until darkness settles outside the monastery. Every single day. After a late dinner, I head either to the library to read the journals from previous Ezkai who have bonded a dragon, or to the basement to inspect the anatomy of a dragon.
When my head hits the pillow close to midnight, I’m out immediately.
I barely pay attention to Lorca lurking in my mind, or Jax, who always appears to be around. Physically and mentally.
This rigorous pace reminds me of my time at the Ezkai Academy when I used to wake up before dawn so I could train with Daegel before the official lectures started.
Nostalgia can be one hell of a bitch.
That’s why every night as I wash the sweat and dirt away, I take more time than I need. With each sweep of the washcloth, I hope to clean away some of the grief that weighs on me. But it clings to me like a stubborn child clinging to a mother’s skirt.
Even in my grief, I’m not alone. With Lorca and Jax always present inside me, I have no privacy.
At least Jax has the decency not to intrude with his thoughts.
Elder Arcon informed me that the monks who track dragons are ready for me, whenever I am. I feel ready. But Kazh doesn’t share my opinion.
She has barred Elder Arcon and the other monks from teaching me the next steps in my journey until she deems me prepared. But apparently meditating for ten hours every day isn’t enough.
While I make enough progress to fall into my body and conjure the entrance to my subconscious with ease every time, once I open that door…well, it never ends well.
Lorca doesn’t always show themself. But I’ve got enough nightmares haunting me as is.
The darkness presses closer. A whisper. A shadow moving where it shouldn’t exist.
With a racing heart, I slam the red door shut behind me and open my eyes.
Kazh stands in front of me with a disapproving look. I groan and rub my face with my hands.
“You don’t have time to waste. You should have mastered it already. I may not always be here to show you,” Kazh says, flatly.
I perk up.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
She said our mentor-mentee relationship is for life.
“Why?” When Kazh doesn’t answer me, I say, “Kazh, I know Caligos is a threat but you’re in no danger. You’re under my strict protection. And my Ezkai’s. I will never let them get anywhere near you.”
There’s a loaded pause, and then Kazh’s face breaks into a wide grin.
I’m so shocked to see her smile that for a moment I just stare at her, mute.
Has she ever smiled before? Like an actual, amused, genuine smile?
She raises her cane and points at me. “You think I need protection? That your band of fools could protect me?”
She barks a laugh.
Her genuine amusement at my concern for her safety makes me bristle. “Well, I’m sorry for caring about your well-being. Forget about it.”
I wiggle in my seat and close my eyes again so I can focus. Right before I do, I catch a glimpse of an odd look on Kazh’s face. As if she has something not insulting to say for once. She chooses not to.
Pressure in the middle of my chest builds to the point where I can’t breathe well. I rub the place where Lorca’s tattoo is, trying to release some of the tension.
“What happened now?”
A shiver goes through me. I blink my eyes open and glance at Ezkai Bjorn, Ezkai Emil, and Jax playing cards at that same damn small table just outside the meditation room.
At the start of the week, Jax was winning almost every hand.
Through our connection, I know he’s good because he’s an excellent bluffer.
Dangerously manipulative. He even knows how to control his vital signs, like his heartbeat, even when he’s lying through his teeth.
Which is terrifying. I didn’t know it was possible for someone who’s not a Decarios.
But something happened.
A switch flipped sometime this week and now, he wins only certain rounds. He lets Ezkai Emil and Ezkai Bjorn win some hands, too.
Kazh taps her cane right in front of my nose and I startle. My attention shifts back to her.
“Focus, shithead,” she snaps. “What happened now?”
I clear my throat. “Um…well…” I pause and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do once I’m inside? When things come up, and show up, and try to pull me into madness, what’s the goal here? To resist?”
“Your subconscious mind, what lurks there, tries to provoke you. At any cost. If you get lost in it and give in to it, you’ll lose yourself.
Your being, your mind. If you keep getting scared and running away, it will always hold power over you.
The goal is to be grounded enough to withstand the fear, need for control, anger, rage, hatred, grief, sadness, guilt, and even happiness and not let your own mind, or anything and anyone around you, provoke you.
That is what mastering the blessed trinity is all about. ”
Silently, I mull over her words in my mind. I hear her. It makes sense what she’s saying. Unfortunately, that feels so far away from my reach, that sort of mastery and calm.
My feelings are stronger than me. They always have been.
“You can’t solve every insult with blood,” Dad said with a disappointed sigh.
I was maybe ten. Blood on my knuckles. The older girl I’d fought had been twice my size, but I’d knocked her flat.
Mom crouched beside me. “If your anger drives you, it’ll destroy you.”
I’d shrugged, pretending it didn’t matter.
Dad said, “This is serious, Phoenix. If you can’t control your temper, someone else will control it for you. You won’t like how that ends.”
So many things changed over the years. But this remained, my anger, always faster than my reason.
Jax’s presence becomes more prominent in my mind, and I glance over at where he sits to find him watching me.
He says nothing, though. And when Ezkai Emil pulls out another card, he looks away and laughs at whatever Ezkai Emil says.
Kazh taps her cane twice. “Again.”
I shoot her a glare, which she challenges with an arched eyebrow. I sigh and close my eyes.
It takes me all but a couple of breaths to steady myself and drop back into my body. The red door appears without much effort and I reach for it immediately. I’m driven by force this time around, marching through it with determination to finally fucking nail it.
That is, until I’m met face-to-face with Lorca wearing Daegel’s face again.
I halt, my heart thundering.
Ready to face the inevitable? Lorca purrs.
No, no, no.
I can’t do this.
Fuck.
Keeping Daegel’s gaze, I retreat backwards, craving the safety that’s on the other side of the damn door.
The darkness presses closer. All hair on the back of my neck rises.
But then something changes.
A steady, familiar presence is behind me all of a sudden, and a warm hand lands on the small of my back, rooting me in place.
Jax.
I’m here. His voice is cool and smooth like spring river water.
His steady heartbeat overlaps with mine, and once I shift my attention to it, my pulse steadies, too. And so does my breathing, just like that night when I couldn’t sleep and he guided me through it.
Without a second thought, I lean into the connection we share.
It gives me steady footing. Calmness settles over me, and when I look at Daegel’s face, for the very first time I feel like I can face it.
The grief.
The guilt.
The darkness is still there around us. But it’s not penetrating my skin, the coldness doesn’t reach deep into the marrow of my bones.
It simply slides over and off me, like water off a feather.
Lorca’s presence is strong, and it’s overpowering.
But I’m strong, too. And I can withstand it, face it, without running away.
Time stills, maybe stops completely.
I don’t feel.
I don’t think.
I simply am.
A steady mountain.
When I blink my eyes open, the grounded feeling remains.
Kazh goes still.
I look over to where Jax sits. He meets my gaze with the same calm and confidence he had standing behind me inside my mind.
That’s when my steady, grounded inner peace snaps into two.
For the first time, I did it. I reached the blissful calm I’ve been seeking all this time.
But I didn’t do it alone.
With a sharp exhale, I scramble to my feet.
Before Kazh can say anything, I blurt out, “I need a break.”
As if a mountain lion is chasing me, I dash through the open terrace door and outside. On my way, I almost walk into Ezkai Bjorn’s chair. Before I know it, my feet are running towards the forest.
I don’t care where I’m going.
I just need to be somewhere else, away from Kazh, the monastery and…Jax.
Deeper and deeper into the forest I run. I only stop when it hits me that I have no clue where I am, or how to get back. Panting, I brace my hands on my thighs and look around. It all looks the same to me, the ocean of trees and bushes.
I try to listen for the sound of running water, but my heart roars in my ears and my breathing is too labored.
“Fuck,” I mutter and straighten my back.
For a long while, I simply stand in the middle of the forest, looking at the swaying tree tops. The peace and quiet is soothing in a way, and soon my heartbeat and breathing steady.
I feel him, his presence through the distance. The closer he gets to me, the warmer my chest feels.
Panic seizes my chest, its bony fingers clutching it tight.
“Are you okay?” Jax asks. “What happened there?”
Slowly, I turn to face him.
“You helped me,” I say.
“I did.”
I press my lips into a thin line.
Jax’s eyes narrow and he cocks his head. “Are you angry about that?” When I don’t answer, he adds, “Why?”
The naive confusion in his question unleashes the dragon within me.
“Why? Because it’s a problem!” I scream at Jax.
“What sort of Decarios am I, what sort of Ezkai General, if I can only master my subconscious mind when my Blood Sentineal is holding my hand, HUH? What happens when I need you and you’re not there to help me!
You, this dependency, make me vulnerable, asshole. ”
He blinks. Wets his lips. Swallows. “So, what, just because you’re big bad Decarios you can’t have people help you? Now that you’re an Ezkai General, you can’t have people close to you support you even if it makes you stronger?”
I grit my teeth, our eyes locked.
He’s driving me fucking out of my mind.
As if he can read my mind, Jax cocks his head to the side. “Wanna punch me, darling? Would that help make you feel better?”
My hands curl into fists at my sides. But instead of taking the bait, I whirl on my heel and let out a roar of frustration before I stomp through the forest back towards the damn monastery.
He thinks he’s so clever.
I charge through the thick foliage, rogue branches clawing at my leathers and my face. When one pokes my eye, I grab it and yank on it with so much force the whole branch breaks off the stump of the tree.
Always there with his smart remarks and charming wit, as if I need any of that shit.
The path narrows even further and my feet catch on a lone root. I almost trip and fall, but steady myself on one of the nearby tree trunks. My breathing is labored, my chest burning with anger and fear.
I don’t turn back to look for Jax, but oh, I don’t have to.
I know damn well he’s strolling behind me, probably with his hands stuffed in his damn pockets, whistling a tune under his breath as if he were on a damn walk in a park.
It is a rather nice day for a stroll. His voice is smooth as velvet in my mind.
Shut the fuck up.
I march forward. There’s more energy I’ve got to burn. He thinks me leaning on him for support is helpful? Bah! What will happen when he’s not here to—
Another damn root.
This time, I do trip over it. And I only register it as I fall. Desperate to catch myself, I reach for a tree, or a branch, or anything nearby—
Luckily, I manage to grab something, a branch of a sort. But it’s not much help.
It’s weak, and as I pull on it for support, I rip the whole bush out, roots and all. From inertia, the wrong kind, I sway sideways and land in the bushes. Before I know it, I’m rolling down the hill I didn’t realize we were on, weeds, bushes, and branches whipping at me.
My whole world is upside down, and no matter how much I try to slow the fall, none of what I grab helps me. My brain rattles in my skull.
I land in something wet and sticky… Slowly, I open my eyes. My ribs and hips ache from the impact. I try to sit, but I’m weighted down. When I look around, I realize I’m in a mud puddle.
In a fucking mud puddle.
In the middle of the forest.
With a sigh, I close my eyes and relax into it.
“Fuck me.” I breathe out the words.
The bright side? At least all the anger and frustration has left my body after that tumble down the hill.
A familiar voice comes from somewhere close. “Never thought you were the clumsy type.”
My eyes snap open, and I lift my head to find Jax standing on the very edge of the mud puddle. Squeaky clean. Not a hair out of place. Hands stuffed in the pockets of his pants while his eyes take in the view of me spread out in the middle of a mud puddle.
Slowly, and elegantly, in a way that only Jax can, he pulls one of his hands out of a pocket and offers it to me. “Can I help you now? Or would that make you weak? I’m happy to watch you crawl out all by yourself, General. Whatever will make your Ezkai respect you more.”
The audacity of this man.
A corner of his lips curls, but he manages to keep his face straight.
“You know what, smartass,” I grumble and reach for his hand. He leans forward so he can reach me easier. “Fuck you.”
I grab his offered hand and pull him towards me. Jax’s eyes widen and before he can stop it, he’s falling into the mud puddle with me.
He lands on all fours with a groan. Right on top of me, caging me in.
His lips part in shock, wild strands of hair falling over his forehead. I can’t help it. A laugh bubbles out of me. A beat later, Jax grins and shakes his head. “This shirt is pure silk. Do you have even the faintest of ideas how hard it is to get dirt out of silk?”
His concern for his pristine white silk shirt only makes me laugh harder.
All the humor evaporates quickly, though. Because the way Jax looks at me in that moment robs me of breath.
His words are a mere whisper when he pushes a wild strand away from my face and says, “You don’t have to wonder what happens if you need me and I’m not there. I’ll always be there, Phoenix.”
Part of me I buried long ago stirs to life…
He means it.
That’s what terrifies me.
Everyone I love and care about dies.
Or I destroy them.
My words come out hoarse. “You can’t promise me that.”