Chapter 44
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
JAX
She didn’t take anything but her bow and a skin of water with her.
She left without Luna.
How is she going to walk all this way to the dragon’s den?
She left her backpack with rations.
The fur blanket.
The damn fur blanket she needs to survive the nights here in the mountains.
It only hits me as I stop to set up my camp for the night and notice the fur blankets strapped to the saddles of our horses.
Oh, spirits of the gods.
I fucked up.
I had only one goal, to keep her safe on her journey, and what did I do?
I let her go without a fucking fur blanket.
She’ll freeze to death at night.
My head drops, and I press the heels of my palms into my eyes until I start seeing stars.
All day traveling back to the monastery was a blur. I just let Midnight carry me back, all alone.
You’ve brought shame to this family with your act of rebellion. All this trouble and for what? You failed to keep your girl alive anyway. I don’t allow such weakness in the family, Father’s last words to me before he banished me ring in my mind.
I’m a failure.
Becoming the Blood Sentineal didn’t change that.
With a sigh, I rise to my feet and unsaddle both horses. Then, I set up the small fire pit and settle next to it. My stomach is in knots.
I can’t force myself to eat.
I should go after her.
I must go after her.
I don’t need you following me like an obedient puppy. Nix’s sharp words sit like a blade in the middle of my chest.
No.
She doesn’t need me. She made it pretty damn clear.
I lie down on my side, watching the fire dance until it dies down. But even as the darkness of the night settles around me, sleep evades me.
I barely get any. Maybe an hour or two of restless slumber.
Every time I close my eyes, I see Nix.
I dream of her.
It never ends well.
Once I finish preparing the horses to hit the road, curiosity gets the best of me. I open the door between us and reach for her through our bond.
Immediately, I recoil.
It’s—
It’s impossible.
The bond that’s been strong and clear since the moment we finished the ritual…now it’s dulled. Phoenix is far away. I barely sense her, like the last ember dying in the fireplace.
Dread weighs on my shoulders.
I don’t need you. Her cruel words ring in my mind as I mount Midnight and return to the road.
For the rest of the trip, I don’t bother stopping for the night. I only pause regularly to let the horses graze, drink, and rest for a couple of hours at a time.
When the white building of the monastery emerges at the end of the road, I pause.
I’ll have to face Elder Arcon, the monks. Kazh. Phoenix’s Ezkai, who were already not fond of me, the General Slayer, being part of their group…
I don’t know if I can do it.
I failed my mission.
Do you love her? Elder Arcon’s words ring in my mind.
Just as in that moment when he asked me the question, my throat closes in.
I can’t force the words out.
I don’t deserve it.
To feel this way about her.
To let the world know.
To have any sort of claim on her as mine.
Even though there’s nothing more I desire.
All that’s left for me, what I can do, is worship her at a distance so I don’t taint and ruin her.
She’s the only thing that’s good in this life.
I watch the monastery from afar for a while.
Phoenix doesn’t want me with her on this path.
Your only duty is dying for me when the time comes.
I would gladly do it, over and over again.
An idea forms in my head then.
There’s something I can do, even if she doesn’t want me with her.
I can find Vera and bring her back.
If I can’t stand at Nix’s side…
I’ll make sure she has something to come back to once she returns to Jaakii with her dragon.
I squeeze Midnight’s sides and urge the horses forward.
Once I’m closer to the monastery, Monk Ren and some others rush outside. Even Elder Arcon appears.
The disappointment and worry that grows on their faces when they realize I’m alone makes my heart stutter.
“Blood Sentineal,” Elder Arcon greets me when I arrive. His wise gaze doesn’t waver. “You come back alone. Where’s the General?”
I swallow a ball lodged in my throat and dismount.
Right then, Phoenix’s Ezkai appear through the front door. Ravenna frowns when she sees me alone. Ezkai Bjorn’s face hardens.
“She lives,” I say, facing Elder Arcon. “We have found the dragon. She—she’s tracking it to its den. Alone. She believes it’s her path to walk alone.”
I keep Elder Arcon’s gaze. But it’s not easy.
The way he looks at me…it’s as if he sees right through me.
The old monk nods. “It is, indeed.”
Not everyone reacts as calmly as Elder Arcon.
I don’t see it coming.
My head whips to the side as Bjorn’s fist connects with my jaw.
It’s a miracle I remain on my feet.
The big guy punched me with his whole heart.
“You are supposed to guard her with your life.” Bjorn spits the words out. “It is your duty as the Blood Sentineal.”
My blood boils. I check my jaw.
It’s intact.
No teeth missing.
“I’m aware,” I say, my voice rough.
Bjorn’s nostrils flare. He’s about to swing a second punch.
I don’t try to block it.
I deserve every punch that comes my way.
Elder Arcon raises his palms, stopping the fight from escalating. “If Ezkai General is to come to any harm, the bond will do its job.” He turns to me. “If the General wills it to do this alone, we have no other choice but to agree. We all serve her.”
Ezkai Bjorn huffs and returns inside. Emil and Ravenna follow after him.
I roll my shoulders to ease some of the tension. “I’ll leave and go back to Jaakii first thing tomorrow morning.”
Elder Arcon frowns.
“I’ll be more useful to the General there,” is all the explanation I offer before I herd Luna and Midnight back to their stables.