Chapter 50
CHAPTER FIFTY
PHOENIX
It hasn’t stopped raining in Jaakii. The dark clouds rolled in from the mountains and decided to stay. Even the sky mourns.
Harsh wind whips at my hair as I stand on the pebbled beach in the small cove, same one where I said my final goodbye to Roman many moons ago.
One more goodbye is due today.
Ezkai Bjorn and Ezkai Emil flank my sides, Emil holding a large umbrella above my head to protect me from the rain.
Noire’s here. So are a number of Ezkai who chose to come and pay respects to the legendary Decarios master Oka Oya.
I still struggle to make amends with the reality. The fact that Kazh is gone. For good.
As I stand there in front of her carved boat with the pyre on top, I stare at her pale face and closed eyes, hoping that any moment her chest will expand as she breathes in the air and her eyes will fly open.
I’m not ready to face the future without her.
I’ve got so little people left as is.
My gaze slides over to the narrow pass between the rocky mountains that surround the beach. After we got back to Jaakii, I sent Bloom and Fern to track down Jax. I hope he’s still in the city. I hope I’m not too late.
My pulse speeds up when a figure appears. But the excitement is short-lived. It’s just three monks dressed in long white robes with wide sleeves, holding an onyx bowl.
Gods, if I’m too late and Jax has already left Jaakii to go hunt down the Talbots…
I can’t lose him, too.
The monks approach Noire and they exchange a few words. At least I have my Taaslord, someone I can lean on and trust, as I navigate the future.
Once Noire is done talking, the monks shuffle to take their places in front of the crowd that has gathered here. The one with the onyx bowls stands in front of me. I nod at him in acknowledgment.
I’m cold deep inside. To the very marrow of my bones. The hollow pit of darkness inside my chest has only widened over the years. There seems to be no end to my grief.
“We’re here today to honor the great master Oka Oya,” one of the monks says.
“She has served as an honorable Ezkai to many powerful Ezkai Generals, defended the people of Ekios fearlessly, and abided by Ezkai laws with honor until her retirement. Even after, she hasn’t forgotten her oath to Ekios, and has spent the last years of her life serving our Ezkai General as her honorable mentor.
She’ll be remembered. Her servitude will not be forgotten.
But now, it’s time to let her soul rest together with the spirits of the gods.
She has earned it. We can only hope that one day, all of us will, too. ”
I thought I had no more tears left to cry. That I shed them all that evening by Kazh’s side. And yet, the backs of my eyes burn. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop them from falling.
Here, today, in front of the people of Ekios, I’m not a girl who lost a mentor, a close friend.
I’m the Ezkai General.
The monk with the bowl takes a step toward me and holds it out. Inside is the ash from Kazh’s burned memorabilia from her time serving in the Order. She’s got no family left. So the honor is all mine.
I swallow the lump lodged in my throat and dip two fingers inside the ash. It’s light as it clings to my fingers when I bring them to the very top of my forehead and draw a line over my face, all the way to my chin.
The monk murmurs, “May her soul find peace with the spirits of the gods.”
And then he moves on to the next person.
From the corner of my eye, I catch a flash of movement. My head whips to the side, heart picking up its pace.
When I see Jax’s face appear in the narrow passage, my shoulders sag.
Oh, thank the spirits of the gods.
I’m not too late.
His eyes scan the beach restlessly. The moment our eyes meet, his gaze softens.
Hesitantly, I remove the bolts from the door between us and open it. Our bond flourishes, the connection flowing freely.
I’m almost overwhelmed with his worry when it hits me. It’s so intense, it tickles the back of my throat.
Behind him are Bloom and Fern. All three of them approach the crowd. Jax stops a few feet away from me. But despite the distance, his eyes never leave me.
Back in the mountains I had it all wrong.
I thought I needed nobody, nothing but power. But the dragon showed me the truth. Power without control leads to destruction. I must learn to wield my power better. To be in control of it, rather than allowing it to rule me.
And for that, I need Jax. I need Noire. I need Vera.
If I want to prevent the destruction I’m capable of bringing, I need their help, and guidance.
Once all the attendants are marked, the monks bring out a bronze bowl and set it at the foot of Kazh’s boat. I need no encouragement.
I approach and slide my bow off my back. Carefully, I select an arrow from my quiver and dip it into the thick purple liquid—a mixture of bloodroot for luck, and firemirth for finding the way.
I hold out the dipped arrow for the monk, who sets it aflame. The purple-and-blue flame flickers to life.
The monk who leads the ceremony raises his arms above his head, palms open to the sky. “Spirits of the gods, welcome our honored Ezkai into your world. We’ll meet her on the other side when our time comes.”
Dark waves crash into Kazh’s boat. I lift my bow.
Inhale.
Exhale.
One tear slips down my cheek. You’ll be missed.
Let go.
The arrow whizzes through the air and lands true despite the wind and the rain. The purple-and-blue tongues of the flame devour Kazh’s pyre.
I lower my bow and watch as the monks push the boat off the shore. It lolls in the water, and waves quickly push it deeper into the sea.
I am frozen in place, following the burning pyre. Even after it disappears behind tall waves, I don’t move. I have no clue how long I stand there, watching. I only snap out of it when someone clears their throat.
Dazed, I turn to find Noire. Ezkai Emil and Ezkai Bjorn are at my sides, holding the umbrella above me. Jax, Bloom, and Fern stand right behind Noire. The rest have left.
“General,” Noire says. “I regret to interrupt your moment of grief, but we have a briefing with Spy Unit scheduled.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
I glance at Jax. I need a moment with him. Alone.
“Go ahead. I’ll be right behind you,” I say to Noire and the rest. “Jax, stay with me for a minute.”
Ezkai Bjorn and Ezkai Emil are hesitant to leave me, but I give them no choice. They hand the umbrella to Jax as he approaches.
We stand under it for a while in silence as I watch them walk back towards the carriages waiting for us. Once they have disappeared, I turn to face Jax.
There are so many things I need to say. I don’t even know where to start.
I clear my throat. “I’m sorry, Jax. For what I said…back at the dragon feeding grounds.”
His eyes widen as if he’s stunned to hear me apologize.
I scoff and slap his chest with the back of my palm. “Don’t look at me as if I have grown a second head.”
“Oh, don’t let me stop you from continuing whatever you started.”
“I’m not going to repeat myself. You heard me the first time. But…I didn’t mean it. What I said. Do you understand? I didn’t mean it.”
A cheeky smirk tugs on the corner of his mouth.
His reaction melts away all the worries.
I didn’t ruin us.
Thank fuck, I didn’t ruin us.
“I’m sorry, too,” he says.
I frown. “What for?”
“Back in the forest, I had failed you as your friend, and as your Blood Sentineal. Back at the monastery, Elder Arcon asked me what I would do if the dragon rejected you. I promised him I’d ensure you wouldn’t break.
That I would do anything in my power to prevent that.
And yet…the moment you pushed me away, I forgot my vows and promises and left. I shouldn’t have.”
My throat is suddenly thick. I can’t speak.
Jax pushes a wild strand of hair away from my face and gently cups my cheek. “I promised you I’d always be there. That I wasn’t going anywhere. And I failed you. I left because I couldn’t bear the rejection.”
I swallow the ball lodged in my throat. My heart beats wildly against my ribs. “Jax…”
His hand falls away from my face. Only then do I realize just how badly I didn’t want it.
“The truth is, Phoenix, I can’t help the way I feel about you. It’s beyond my control. Sometimes, it clouds my judgment. But I swear, I’ll—”
I don’t let him finish whatever he wants to say. I fist the front of his shirt and pull him down. When our lips meet, sparks fly.
At first, he’s utterly still. But once I don’t pull away, my lips slowly coaxing his, asking for permission, he leans in. His palms find my waist, our bodies flush together.
I’m painfully aware of his beating heart against mine. How good he smells. How amazing he tastes.
The realization hits me hard enough to make my head spin.
Oh, how terrified I was since I left him at the feeding grounds that I’d never get to experience this again. His lips against mine.
When I finally force myself to pull away to get some air, my head is dizzy. Jax’s dark gaze watches my lips, his own red and swollen from the kiss.
The umbrella above our heads tunes out the rest of the world as the rain beats down upon it.
For a brief moment, it’s only him and I.
Slowly, a cheeky smirk blooms on his lips. “You should have started your apology with this. Speaks louder than a thousand words.”
I can’t help it.
I snort a laugh and rest my forehead against his chest.
Fucking ass.
I pull away to look up at him again. “Don’t get used to it. The apologies, or kisses…”
The warmth his presence brought floats away as something else takes over. Jax notices the shift in my mood immediately.
He hooks a finger under my chin and angles my face up. “Darling, I know I don’t deserve you. Not after all I’ve done. You’re the Ezkai General. But…I’ll do whatever it takes to earn you, to deserve your love.” He whispers the words over my lips.
The sincerity in his words twists something in my chest. I bring my fingertips to his cheekbone, tracing its sharp line. “Oh, Jax…Love’s not something you earn. It’s given freely.”
I inhale a sharp breath, cold fingers of terror clawing at my chest. I’m so not used to being vulnerable like this.
I wet my lips and force the words out. “I pushed you away after our kiss in the forest not because I think you’re unworthy, or because I don’t want you.” I cup both his cheeks in my palms. “I do. I do want you, Jax. But I was terrified of my want, still am, because of who I am. What I am.”
Jax watches me intently, waiting for me to gather my thoughts.
“You’re right. I’m the Ezkai General. I got here because I spent years fighting my grief with a hunger for power.
More of it. As much of it as I can get. I’ve been so determined to collect the blood debt I’m owed, I slayed the man I loved in cold blood.
I don’t want to ruin you, too. I can’t bear the thought of losing you, too. ”
“Our connection is not a weakness, darling. It’s a strength. Use it. Use me,” he says. “Daegel died not because you were hunting for more power. He died because instead of accepting who you truly are and standing by your side as you grow into your true potential, he chose to stand in your way.”
I want to believe his words. I do, but…
I shake my head. “Jax…I found the dragon after we split up. And she rejected me again. But before she did, she showed me things…a vision of what sort of destruction I am capable of bringing if I continue on this path I’m on. If I don’t control my power, and desire for it, I’m going to doom us all.”
Jax remains silent for a long while, his eyes searching my face.
Finally, he says, “You’ve seen the worst. You know what to do to avoid it. I’ll be there, by your side to help you do it. You don’t have to carry this burden alone anymore, darling.”
His words offer me comfort I didn’t even know I needed.
“Thank you,” I say. “I will need you and Vera by my side now more than ever.”
Jax smiles. “Then let’s go get our girl back. I’ve got the location on all the Talbot estates that are not registered with the government.”
Newfound hope blooms in my chest. The sound of crashing waves and pounding rain is interrupted by a distant familiar screech.
Frowning, I look up at the sky. “Did you hear that?”
A familiar black silhouette appears between the clouds just when the lightning strikes. But I blink, and it’s gone.
“Heard what?” Jax asks.
Maybe I’m imagining things. I shake my head. “Nothing. Let’s head back to the castle to meet my spies. I’ve wasted enough time as is.”