Chapter 22
Ava
“How have things been with you, Ava?”
I dragged my eyes from the brown leather couch that caused a pit in my stomach. It was stupid. It wasn’t the couch that had wreaked havoc on my life. But it’s where I was sitting when I realised just how fucked I was.
I mustered a smile for Doctor Aspen, who was watching me curiously as she made her way around her desk.
I had such a magical day yesterday. Only for it to be ruined the moment I closed my eyes.
“I’m as well as can be,” I answered truthfully.
“And you, Doctor?” I understood now why she had asked if I wouldn’t be more comfortable meeting her at Owen’s apartment.
This room stirred a hurt in me that I had done very well in burying.
She must have known how this space would affect me.
Her returning smile was warm and genuine. “Why don’t we go sit in the gardens and talk? The Spring blossoms are so lovely right now.”
My shoulders sagged in relief. “Yes, that would be great.”
We made our way through the corridors, and I stopped at the nurse’s station to greet the orderly who I’d been so nasty to because she had reminded me of Gemma.
I handed her a gift—a bottle of my homemade lotion.
She had once chittered on about how her hands were always dry due to the excessive handwashing she had to do—her way of trying to get me to participate in a conversation, to no avail.
It amazed me that I even remembered it. Most of my time here was a blur.
When we reached the gardens, Doctor Aspen gestured towards a bench underneath a few old oak trees. “How have you been sleeping?” She gave me a quick sidelong glance, but I didn’t miss the worry in her eyes.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek as we settled onto the bench, not sure of how I was going to talk about it out loud. But I had to. I had felt so unsettled by my dream that I’d called Doctor Aspen immediately, not having the guts to confide in Owen, or even Rach.
“I slept like the dead. But it’s the dream I had… It’s messing with my head,” I admitted, shifting on the bench, feeling as if ants were crawling over my skin.
Doctor Aspen nodded. “Tell me.”
I clamped my eyes shut, a tremble running through my body as I recounted the dream.
“In the dream, I was in an unfamiliar round room, but it was with the Russians. The room was filled with all those men, and I was pinned to the desk again. By Vlad. And I was screaming for Owen. They were about to shoot him.” I swallowed hard.
“But then I looked past him. The door had slowly swung open. But it wasn’t Volkov’s door.
It had a small window at the top. And there was nothing behind the door.
Just darkness… shadows I couldn’t see through.
Then everything went still. No one moved.
Like they were frozen in place.” I sat frozen for a few seconds, trying to find the courage to go on.
I cleared my throat. “I couldn’t look away from the shadows.
It…” I shook my head, not willing to tell her how it pulled me in.
How my heart urged me to run into it. “He… Grayson, stepped out of it. With that stupid fucking smirk on his face.” I winced as the irritation of the situation made me cuss in front of Doctor Aspen.
“Sorry,” I said impishly, giving her a quick, apologetic glance.
I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.
She only smiled. “You don’t ever have to worry about how your emotions come out in front of me, Ava. Now go on. What happened next?”
I inhaled deeply. “Grayson’s eyes glowed red and there was this dark smoke coming off him, swirling around him. And as I watched him move into the room, I realised that everyone in the room wasn’t frozen. He was just… I don’t know… Faster.”
Doctor Aspen nodded as if she understood, making me pause.
“Why did I dream it like that?” Did she understand it?
“Dreams, Ava, have a funny way of twisting your thoughts and feelings. You may have dreamt him as faster than everyone else because in the real world that’s how you feel. You’ve been chasing him all this time, trying to catch him, but he’s always one step ahead. Just out of reach.”
I sagged back into the bench. “Yeah, that makes sense.”
Doctor Aspen waited quietly for me to go on.
“Grayson started killing everyone in the room. They weren’t capable of fighting him off.
They could do nothing to stop his knife from cutting across their necks.
And I did nothing. I couldn’t look away from him.
In fact, I didn’t want to look away. I… I enjoyed watching him as he slaughtered all those people, one-by-one.
” I clamped my eyes shut, my hands wringing in my lap.
It would do me no good if I wasn’t completely honest with Doctor Aspen.
“He was so graceful in the way he moved. There was something beautiful in the way he didn’t hesitate in his brutality.
Each cut was quick and flawless, and in my dream, I was in awe of him. How messed up is that, Doctor?”
Doctor Aspen gave my shoulder a quick squeeze as my stomach turned at my confession.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Ava. It was a dream. Not reality. If Grayson was here, right now, killing the people in this garden, would you enjoy watching it?”
I shuddered at the thought. “No. Never.”
“Exactly. I think that you are still in awe of how he moves through the world. How he makes everything seem effortless and without consequence. Isn’t that what you once told me?”
I remembered admitting it to Doctor Aspen in the few days after agreeing to work with the FBI. I had told her everything. It came bawling out of me, until there was nothing left inside me. But that couldn’t be how I still felt, could it? I hated him for it. He was getting away with murder.
I chuckled darkly. “That wasn’t even the worst part of my dream.”
“Then tell me.”
I sighed, the heaviness on my chest I was always battling making it difficult to breathe.
“He came to me. I felt Vlad’s blood pour out onto my back.
I smelled it. But I didn’t care. I only felt nervous.
Not scared-nervous. Nervous like speaking to your high school crush nervous.
” My cheeks flushed as I admitted it. “Then he lifted me off the table and…” I couldn’t say it.
“I never dream of him like this anymore. I don’t know why I dreamt this.
” I shook my head in denial. It was agonising having to speak it into existence.
“He was sweet to me. Like he always was. Or how I thought he was. He was whispering to me again, how much he loved me. Owen was screaming at me to run, but I couldn’t.
It was like I was hypnotised when he looked into my eyes.
” His eyes still haunted me. The longing in them had stolen my breath.
“But then he noticed Owen.” I swallowed against the bile trying to escape my throat.
“I was suddenly standing in front of Owen. Grayson had him on his knees, with his head tilted up.” I blinked against the mist in my eyes.
“Grayson handed me his knife, and I watched the blood drip from the blade onto my shoes. Then he told me I had to choose.” I struggled with the memory.
“What happened next, Ava?” Doctor Aspen prompted.
My breathing sped up as I willed the words out of my mouth.
“I… I pushed the knife into Owen’s heart,” I choked.
“Twisted it. He was bleeding out. And I watched the life leave his eyes.” Tears were streaming hot down my cheeks.
I couldn’t see anything, except the dream haunting me—Grayson’s cruel laughter as Owen finally toppled over.
I couldn’t breathe. I tried desperately to heave oxygen into my lungs, doubling over.
“Then we… we…” I heaved, as the panic knotted my throat, “fucked in Owen’s blood,” I finally got out in nothing more than a whisper, feeling like my heart was going to stop beating any moment.
I could still feel Grayson on top of me, his hands slippery from Owen’s blood as he touched me all over, covering my naked body in crimson smears while Owen’s dead, glassy eyes stared at me.
I heard Doctor Aspen soothe me, her voice sounding far off. “You’re all right. You’re having a panic attack, Ava. I need you to focus on your hands, can you do that?”
I lifted my hands before my face, noticing how they were shaking. Doctor Aspen placed something in them.
Lavender?
It was a bundle of Lavender flowers.
“Now take a deep breath in of that lavender,” she said, pushing my hand up to my nose.
I did as told. Then did it again, feeling the tightness in my chest ease.
I kept breathing in the smell of the lavender as my body relaxed, and my breathing returned to normal.
Finally, I sank back into the bench. “Neat trick, Doctor,” I huffed, my voice sounding hoarse. Why hadn’t I thought of that?
She chuckled warmly. “Here, eat a few mints. It’ll keep the panic attack from starting again. Chewing tricks your brain into thinking the lion chasing you is gone.” She winked at me.
I scoffed, taking the tin she offered and plopped a mint into my mouth. “More like the devil,” I mumbled.
After a few more deep breaths, Doctor Aspen patted my arm. “If you’re ready, we can talk about the dream. Give you more clarity.”
I nodded, steeling myself. “Why would I dream such a horrible thing?”
“Let’s find out, okay? Tell me how you felt, standing before Owen with the knife.”
I shuddered. “By then, I wasn’t in my body anymore. I was looking at myself from farther away, if that makes sense. But it was still me doing it. I could feel the warmth of his blood against my fingers when I twisted the knife. And I felt repulsed by myself. And so helpless, so scared.”
Aspen nodded. “You know that what you tell me stays between us, right? Patient-doctor confidentiality.”
I nodded, unsure of why she would stress it.
“Okay then. Has Grayson tried to contact you?”
I frowned. “No.”
Doctor Aspen smiled. “Sorry I asked. But your dream suggests you are battling to choose between Grayson and Owen. And that you are terrified you’ll choose Grayson. I was just wondering if something had happened since I last saw you that would make you question your allegiance.”
I chewed at my lip. Why would I question my allegiance? “I hate the man, Doctor. I want to see him rot in prison. I would never choose him over Owen and the FBI.”
She stared out at the garden, contemplating my words. “What else would make your subconscious feel like there was a choice to be made between the two men?”
I sighed, rubbing at the bridge of my nose where a headache was starting to form.
I already knew where it came from. It wasn’t so much a choice, but it made sense why I had pushed the dagger into Owen’s heart in the nightmare.
“The night at the warehouse, when Owen thought we were going to die, he told me he was in love with me. I haven’t told you. Didn’t think it was very relevant.”
“I see.” Doctor Aspen nodded. “Now it makes sense. Would you like to talk about it? How you feel about Owen’s disclosure?”
“I don’t know. I feel sad, mostly.”
“Why does Owen’s feelings make you sad, Ava?”
I swallowed at the lump in my throat. “Because I don’t think I can love him back the way he deserves.”
“You’re not ready for love yet. That’s understandable.”
“No, it’s more than that,” I murmured. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love him right.”
She paused for a few seconds. “Is it because you still love Grayson?” she asked quietly, as not to startle me with the question.
I snapped my head to hers, feeling the irritation creeping up my spine.
Why does she keep thinking that? “No. Like I said. I despise him,” I hissed through my teeth.
The man had done nothing but hurt me. He didn’t deserve any affectionate feelings from me.
And I would never again make the mistake of trying to love a monster.
It was so achingly foolish of me to think he could love me back.
Monsters didn’t know love. They knew hate and destruction.
I couldn’t fix him with my love, but he sure as hell succeeded in his destruction of me.
Never would I fight fire with stupid roses again.
I would burn him to the fucking ground, like he burned me.
“I can’t love Owen because Grayson ripped my insides to shreds and now there’s nothing left in me but a coldness, a…
a numbness that I can’t escape. I feel nothing anymore, just rage and hate.
So no, I won’t love Owen. It won’t come out right. I’ll only hurt him.”
Doctor Aspen shifted, turning to me. “You’re right in knowing that meeting Grayson changed you. You will never be the same Ava again.”
I clamped my eyes shut, willing the tears to stay inside as her words washed over me. He had changed me. I had let him have so much of me that he had irrevocably changed me.
“But not all changes are bad, Ava. I have watched you grit down and rise from the ashes. The strength and resilience you have unlocked within yourself is inspiring. Who would be so audacious, so gutsy, to attempt bullshitting a mob boss while at gunpoint?”
I huffed a laugh at the awe in her voice.
“You have stared down death, in a physical and emotional sense, and came back stronger, never losing your humanity. That is remarkable. And the fact that you are aware of the callouses you’ve developed, and are afraid that they will hurt Owen, already speaks volumes of your ability to love.
Just give it time. You haven’t lost your capacity for love, Ava.
It’s just hidden under the callouses. But they can soften. And they will.”
I wiped at the tears with my sleeve, trying to find my voice. “I hope you’re right.”
“Ava, you are a remarkable woman. Few people possess the love and kind-heartedness that you radiate into the world, even when you’ve been hurt so badly. So don’t ever doubt your magic, sweet girl! You will be just fine.”
I chuckled through the tears as Doctor Aspen gave me a quick hug. Hugs were probably not her usual MO.
“Now,” she settled back into the bench, “stop worrying about this nightmare. All it tells me is that you’re worried about hurting Owen, and there’s still some ambiguous feelings towards Grayson we need to resolve. But all of it is quite normal and will be worked out eventually.”
My shoulders slumped as relief flushed through me. “Thank you, Doctor. Thank you for helping me through this.”