Allie
How am I supposed to just get rid of this stuff?
A tiny white onesie, the same one from Lydia’s six-month photoshoot, rests in my palm, frilly tutu and all.
There’s even still a faint pink frosting stain clinging to the fabric from her cake.
Just touching it brings back a flood of memories, reminding me of how much they meant to me.
It almost makes me want to toss it right back into the storage bin sitting on the kitchen table.
But I know I shouldn’t. Nora needs this more than I do, maybe more than I ever will.
Even though Jax and I agreed we wouldn’t start trying for a baby until after recording, I can’t shake the heavy knot in my stomach every time I come across any of the girls’ things.
All the tiny clothes, the socks I still can’t believe ever fit their feet, even the little bows that clung to their soft baby hairs.
Every bit of it is bittersweet—sweet because I have these memories to hold onto, and bitter because we don’t know if it will ever happen again.
Before I even realize what’s happening, a tear hits my arm and I blink fast to hold the rest back. But it proves to be futile, they come rushing out whether I want them to or not.
Then I feel hands clamp gently on my shoulders, turning me around until I come face to face with the one person I can never hide my feelings from.
“Oh, Allie,” Mom says softly, pulling me straight into her arms.
That’s what always sends me over the edge. Her arms and the way she wraps me in that warm cocoon where nothing could ever hurt me. Not even the monsters under my bed when I was little.
But this? This is different. This is something even she can’t protect me from—not even with her biggest hugs. A kind of pain that runs too deep. And I don’t think anything will ever really make it better.
“Talk to me, honey,” she murmurs, rubbing my back.
I let out a shaky breath and wrap my arms around her, pressing my cheek into the spot that’s always felt like my safe space. “It’s just too much right now, Mom.”
“I know, sweetie.” She leans back and cups my face, brushing away my tears. Then her eyes flick down to the onesie still clutched in my hand. Her brow lifts slightly. “Is this about the girls, or… something else?”
The way she says it makes my cheeks flush. I’m not completely clueless—I know how this looks. Jax and I haven’t been together long enough to be making decisions this big. But when you’ve been through as much as we have, sometimes your heart just tries to grab onto anything that feels safe.
And he feels safe.
Wanting a baby felt less like a decision and more like a choice between hope and fear. I guess I just wanted something good to come out of everything else falling apart around us.
I shrug and finally meet her eyes. “It’s everything,” I whisper. “Trevor. The girls. Jax’s record, the distance, the accident…” I shake my head, still trying to make sense of it all myself. “It’s like I’m not even in control of my own life anymore, Mom.”
“And you two thought bringing a baby into this”—she waves a hand around—“chaos was going to help? Or was it just something you thought you’d have control over?”
Tears prick at my eyes again, and I draw in a deep breath, trying to hold them back, but God, that never works anymore.
“Ever since Dr. O’Neil said it might be impossible, it planted this seed in my brain.
Like it reminded me how much I loved being pregnant, and how much I loved having the girls.
Feeling that kind of love again…” I shrug.
“I didn’t want to believe him when he said how hard it would be.
I guess I just wanted to beat the odds.”
“I know you did, honey. But right now, you need to enjoy your time with Jax. There are always other ways to have a baby later, once you’ve both had more time and really get to know each other.”
I open my mouth to argue, but she lifts a finger to stop me.
“And I don’t mean that like I don’t think you’ll last,” she adds quickly.
“Anyone with eyes can see how much you love each other, and how much he loves those girls.” She smiles softly.
“I just mean… enjoy this part. Let him settle into being a stepdad before jumping into full-time parent mode. Let him enjoy his tour. What if you did get pregnant, and he had to leave you and the baby to go on the road? How do you think that would feel for him?”
My stomach sinks. Of course she’s right.
“He’d hate himself for missing out,” I whisper.
She tilts her head and smiles, and somehow it makes the world feel a little less heavy.
“Exactly, sweetheart. I think you both just got excited, and that’s okay.
New love is supposed to be exciting. But you know how hard it is having a baby.
Don’t add that kind of pressure yet. What’s meant to be will be. ”
She pulls me into another hug, but this one feels different. It still hurts, just maybe not as much. Because she’s right. We weren’t being smart. And even if you took the newness of our relationship out of it… I just had major surgery three months ago.
“But, you know,” she adds with a grin, “I heard if you keep your legs straight up in the air afterward, that’ll—”
My mouth drops. “Mom!”
This is exactly why she doesn’t live with me. Well, that and the fact that her place is close enough that she basically does anyway.
She laughs and pulls a tiny pair of pants from the laundry basket. “What? I’m just saying, if you’re going to ignore all my advice, you might as well try that,” she adds with a shrug.
I shake my head, trying not to smile. “You’re officially banned from the TV remote.”
Before she can argue back, my phone dings—twice—and I rush to grab it off the counter.
Jaxon
Hey… I know I should have told you sooner, or even in person, but it doesn’t look like that’ll happen in time. Things blew up with the label and they moved up the release date. The release party is on Oct 30 @ 7 at The Wren House in Boston Could I pick you up the night before?
Jaxon
I’m sorry it’s so last-minute. I really hope this still makes you smile.
I stare at the messages, a knot slowly forming in the pit of my stomach as my hand hovers over the screen.
“What is it, Allie?” Mom asks.
I drop into a chair, my eyes still fixed on my phone resting on the table. “Jax just texted that his release party—for the record I didn’t even know was finished—is already booked for the night before Halloween. Why wouldn’t he tell me it was finished if he’s at least known for a week?”
She slides into the seat across from me, setting a folded burp cloth on the table. “Sweetie, I don’t think he meant anything by it. He was probably just trying to protect you, not wanting to overwhelm you.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, well, I don’t need protecting.”
She tilts her head and narrows her eyes in that classic mom way—the exact one I inherited.
I throw my hands up. “Okay, maybe a little. But I can’t just take off to Boston the night before Halloween. We’d be stuck there all weekend with traffic.”
She laughs. “What’s so bad about that? Trevor’s got the girls this year, anyway.”
“Yeah, but—”
She holds up a hand. “Allison Lorraine Windsor, I cannot believe I’m about to say this, but would you please go party with your boyfriend for a weekend in the city?” She grins. “You two need it after everything.”
The biggest part of me is screaming no. Not just because of the girls, or what Trevor might think if, God forbid, he found out. But that’s four hours trapped in a car. I can barely make it out of town—do we really think I can survive the whole trip?
Although, this is really important to Jax. It’s not just any weekend—it’s his release party, the first one since the band got signed. A celebration of everything he’s worked so hard for, everything he’s dreamed about. How could I say no to that?
After a few minutes, I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and exhale. “Okay, fine. I’ll go.”
Mom claps her hands together, a grin spreading across her face just as Lydia lets out a squawk through the baby monitor.
“It’s okay, Al. Let me get her,” she says, already practically skipping down the hallway.
Once she’s gone, I glance at my phone again.
A weekend away. Just the two of us. In the city where we fell in love. It sounds perfect. Every part of it.
But also completely terrifying.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
This isn’t about you right now, Allie. It’s about Jax.
The second I open my eyes, my fingers fly over the keys before my brain can catch up and make me second-guess myself.
Can’t wait, xoxo