Chapter 10
10
‘What are you thinking about?’ Luke asks softly. We’re lying naked on my bed and he’s lazily running his hand across my stomach, just above the bikini line. Normally, this would have me squirming with pleasure, even post-sex as we are now, but today I’m finding it slightly irritating. The truth is that, although I’m trying very hard to live in the moment, Tash’s words have been haunting me.
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ I tell him. ‘Just stuff, I guess.’
‘Work stuff or personal stuff?’
‘Personal stuff. You know I don’t bring work home. That’s a sure-fire ticket to madness.’
‘Do you want to share?’ He stops stroking me and rolls onto his side, fixing his eyes on mine. Normally I’d wilt under the intensity of his stare, but the moment is slightly ruined by the way his penis flops to the side as he turns. I can’t take him seriously when he’s waving his willy at me like that.
‘No, I don’t think so,’ I tell him, letting my head fall back onto the pillow and closing my eyes to indicate that the subject is closed. The issue is him, but I can’t find a tactful way to say that.
‘Sure? I’m a good listener. A problem shared and all that,’ he persists.
I keep my eyes closed, but I know he’s still staring at me.
‘Just let it go, Luke,’ I tell him, surprising myself with the tetchiness in my voice.
‘OK, OK. Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I’ll go and have a shower, shall I?’ His tone is suddenly tetchy too. Great. I’ve managed to upset him anyway. I can feel the mattress move as he starts to lift himself off the bed.
‘Fine,’ I say with a sigh, opening my eyes. ‘I’ll tell you.’
He settles back next to me, staring into my eyes like before. ‘I’m listening.’
‘I was just thinking about something Tash said to me the other day,’ I begin.
‘You’re worried about her having another baby,’ he cuts in before I can continue. ‘It’s normal, particularly after what you’ve told me about her struggles with the first one. What’s his name again?’
‘Isaac, but that’s not it actually.’
He looks confused. ‘Oh. What is it, then?’
‘It’s about you and me,’ I tell him before he can go off on another tangent. ‘She was asking where we go from here, and I wasn’t able to give her an answer. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great how well you’re looking after your mum, but you have to agree that it makes moving things to the next level tricky.’
A flash of annoyance crosses his face. ‘I’m not sure what our relationship has to do with your sister, if you don’t mind me saying.’
‘She’s got a point though, hasn’t she?’
‘I thought you were happy with the way things are.’
‘I am, but that doesn’t mean that I want them to stay like this forever.’
He looks properly irritated now. ‘Tilly, we’ve talked about this. Would I like to spend more time with you? Of course I would, but?—’
‘—your mother, I know,’ I say, cutting him off. ‘But what does that mean in the longer term? Are we still going to be like this in five years? Ten? What we have is fine for now, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to think about the future. Do you want a future with me, Luke?’ I know I’m sounding a bit needy but I need some reassurance from him – surely he can see that?
He sighs heavily. ‘You know I do, but Mum has to be my top priority at the moment. Please don’t ask me to choose between her and you.’
‘I’m not asking you to choose. I’m a nurse; I could help with her care.’
‘I know you could, but I don’t want that,’ he says firmly. ‘It would blur the boundaries and complicate things. What if Mum really didn’t bond with you? Or worse, what if she did and then you and I didn’t work out? Plus, you’re my respite from her. When I’m with you I can be Luke, rather than Mum’s carer, which is why I want to keep you separate from her, do you see?’
‘I guess so. I’m just trying to think of ways to make this work and asking you to understand where I’m coming from.’
‘I do,’ he says, heaving himself off the bed and heading for the door. ‘And I want this to work just as much as you do. But this is all I have to offer at the moment, Tilly. If it’s not enough for you, then maybe it would be kinder to call it a day. Do you want to call it a day? Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Of course not,’ I tell him, tears springing to my eyes. ‘I just wanted to talk about our options, that’s all.’
‘We don’t have any options. This is how it has to be. Right, I’m going to have a shower before I head off, if that’s OK.’
‘Yeah, fine.’
Ten out of ten, Tilly. That went swimmingly.
* * *
My bad mood only gets worse that evening when I get a phone call from Tash.
‘I hope you don’t mind,’ she begins after our usual greetings, ‘but I’ve been doing a bit of digging, with Greg’s help.’
‘What kind of digging?’
‘Your boy Luke. I’m sorry, Tilly, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the situation with his mother, and whether there was more to it than appears on the surface. I talked to Greg about it and he was convinced it was probably nothing, but agreed to ask around and see if he could find some of the people that knew Luke in Milton Keynes, just to see if he’d said anything to them about her.’
‘Why? I didn’t ask you to spy on him.’
‘I know,’ she says, adopting a conciliatory tone that just annoys me more. ‘But you’re my favourite sister and I feel protective about you. I’m sure you’d do the same if you were in my position.’
‘I’m sure I wouldn’t. You have no right to go interfering in my private life.’
‘I wasn’t trying to upset you. I just didn’t want to see you getting hurt, and you need to know what we found. Milton Keynes was never part of Greg’s patch, but he asked his mate Len to casually drop Luke into conversation with the people at the hospital there and see what came back. It turns out the good doctor left under something of a cloud.’
Now that she’s started telling the story, the conciliatory tone is gone and I can tell she’s almost enjoying herself. Tash has always relished a bit of gossip, even when it’s about her own family.
‘What kind of cloud? Drugs?’ I ask. I’ve heard enough stories about doctors and nurses abusing their access to drugs that this seems the most likely possibility. If that’s the case, Luke and I might have a slightly uncomfortable conversation but, as long as he’s learned his lesson, I don’t see it as a deal-breaker.
‘Not drugs. He had a relationship with a nurse. It ended badly.’
‘Is that it?’
‘Did you hear what I just said?’
‘So he’s had relationships before. They don’t always end well. So what?’
‘It ended so badly he had to leave his job, Tilly. That’s suss, don’t you think? I mean, he’s told you he left voluntarily because he had to come south to look after his mum, but that doesn’t seem to be the whole story, does it? If it were me, I’d want to know more about that.’
She’s unbelievable, and I can feel my temper rising. Not only has she gone behind my back on some mission to prove that my boyfriend is somehow up to no good, but all she’s found is a relationship that ended in flames. I’m a little surprised that Luke never mentioned it, but maybe he’s not ready to talk about it yet.
‘Are you still there?’ she asks.
‘Yes,’ I tell her crossly. ‘But what are you expecting me to do? He had a bad break-up. I mean, it’s hardly bloody front page of the tabloids stuff, is it? You’ve stuck your nose in where it doesn’t belong and that’s all you’ve found?’
‘You don’t think that’s sketchy as hell?’
‘No!’
‘Well, that’s up to you, but I’d definitely check out the mother if it were me. Something doesn’t add up here and she might just be the key to it. If she’s as he described then all good. But if she’s not the real reason he’s come south, then there’s something he’s not telling you.’
‘And when you say “check out”, what did you have in mind, Sherlock?’
‘I don’t know. Knock on her door, see who answers. Pretend you’re doing door-to-door sales or something.’
‘For God’s sake, Tash, listen to yourself. Even if I believed he was up to no good, which I don’t, there are hundreds of flats along Monson Road. I’m not knocking on every door, and how would I even begin to know when I’d got the right one? I have no idea what she looks like or anything.’
She’s still unrepentant. ‘Way ahead of you there,’ she says smugly, ratcheting my anger up another notch. ‘Greg tracked her down using the electoral register. There’s only one Milne on Monson Road.’
I’m speechless.
‘Look,’ Tash continues, completely misinterpreting my silence, ‘what have you got to lose? If his story is true, you’ll find a nurse looking after a confused old woman. You can make something up about knocking on the wrong door and forget all about it. If not, well, isn’t it better to find out that he’s lying to you sooner rather than later? Lance the boil before it gets too big and painful.’ She reads out the address. I have absolutely no intention of doing any of the things she said, but it’s the one piece of solid information that she’s been able to find so, despite my fury with her, I reluctantly write it down.
‘Is that everything?’ I ask her. ‘Or is there some other aspect of my private life you’d like to gatecrash?’
‘Look, I know you’re annoyed now, but I just have your best interests at heart. Maybe it’s nothing, but it might be something, and I wouldn’t sleep well at night not sharing what I knew.’
‘You wouldn’t know anything if you had left well alone.’
‘I don’t understand why you’re so cross with me. I’m trying to help you here.’
‘Bollocks. You don’t give a shit about me. If you did, you would just have been happy that I’d found someone. But no, there has to be something off, doesn’t there, so you can go sniffing around trying to dig up some dirt to share with your mates in scandalised whispers. And what did you find? Nothing.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Oh, just fuck off, Tash!’ I yell as I stab the button to cut off the call.
* * *
‘Tilly, can I have a word?’ Dr Patel says a few days later as I finish dressing the wound on a lady who lost an argument with a kettle full of boiling water.
‘Sure, what’s up?’ I ask as I follow her to the area where Luke received his dressing-down from Dr Rogers. I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything wrong, but my heart is beating harder in my chest anyway.
‘I bumped into your sister,’ she begins, looking slightly uncomfortable. ‘She, aah, indicated to me that there had been some disagreement and you’re not taking her calls or answering her messages.’
‘I’m sorry. She had no business dragging you into it.’
‘She didn’t, but I got the impression she was desperate. Look, I know our relationship is strictly professional and you’re therefore quite welcome to tell me to mind my own business, but I’m here if you want to talk about it.’
I’m trying not to let my surprise show, as Dr Patel really, really doesn’t do touchy-feely, so Tash must have seriously done a number on her.
‘We’ve all noticed that you don’t seem yourself lately,’ she continues when I don’t answer. ‘Is it something to do with Dr Milne?’
My attempt at a poker face disintegrates and I stare at her in disbelief. What does she know about Luke and me?
She smiles gently. ‘It’s very hard to keep a secret in a place like this,’ she says.
Dr Patel being pastoral and smiling is too much for me to cope with.
‘I know you all see me as some sort of emotionless automaton,’ she continues, leaning forwards conspiratorially, ‘but I am a human being and, whisper it, a woman. So, if you want to share, I’m here.’
I don’t know whether it’s because I do want to talk to someone other than Tash about it, or whether I’m just so knocked for six by Dr Patel’s attempt at care but, before I know it, I’m speaking.
‘We had a row,’ I begin. ‘My sister thinks there’s something not right about Dr Milne and went behind my back to try to dig up some dirt on him. We’re not speaking.’
‘Hmm,’ she says after considering it for a moment. ‘HR told me he had a clean record and solid references before I interviewed him, but he is a little bit of a loose cannon, as you know. Did your sister find anything that I ought to know about?’
‘No. He was dating a nurse and it ended badly, apparently. Hardly a disciplinary offence. Tash is convinced there’s more to it, though, and thinks I should go snooping around his mother. They even looked up her address. Can you believe it?’
‘What has it got to do with his mother?’
‘She’s not well and he cares for her. Tash thinks there’s something dodgy about that as well. It’s like she’s determined to sabotage my happiness.’
Dr Patel frowns. ‘I don’t know your sister, obviously, but that’s not the impression she gave me. She knows she’s done the wrong thing and she seems desperate to make amends. It’s not for me to tell you what to do but, if I can stick my professional head back on for a minute, I’d quite like you to sort things out with her, because your miserable face is dragging down team morale.’
At school, we had to go to chapel every day and whoever was doing the Bible reading had to say ‘Here ends the lesson’ when they finished. The phrase ‘Here ends Dr Patel’s compassion’ has suddenly swum into my consciousness and I have to fight an irrational urge to laugh.
‘What would you do?’ I ask her.
‘Talk to her,’ she says, her professional mask completely back in place. ‘Then maybe talk to Dr Milne and find out what he’s up to. Whatever her motives, I think your sister has sown a seed of doubt in your mind where he is concerned, and you won’t rest easy until you know whether she’s right or not. Does that help?’
I nod. She’s right, I realise. I am going to have to do something, even if just to prove Tash wrong. I’m not sure I’m ready to speak to her yet, but it’s nice to know my anger is hitting the target.
‘Good.’ She starts to get to her feet. ‘Now, we’re flat out as usual, so can we get back to work and put a happy face on for the moronic punters?’
‘Actually, I do have one question before we go, if that’s all right?’
‘Fire away.’
‘Tell me it’s none of my business if you want, but you don’t seem to like the patients we treat here very much. Why did you apply for A it’s a rich sound that seems to come from the very core of her, and it’s deeply disturbing.
‘Oh, Tilly,’ she breathes when she stops laughing. ‘It’s because I don’t like them that I can survive in this place. It enables me to stay detached. If I was working somewhere like oncology, where you’re dealing with people who are often really sick through no fault of their own, I think it would drain me within a few days. In here, the ratio of cretinous injuries to true disasters allows me to maintain a sense of perspective and leave it all behind when I finish my shift. Does that make sense?’
I look at her for a moment and, weirdly, it does. She does the smiling thing again and an extraordinary thought comes to me. Quite without intending to, I’ve formed a tentative friendship with the most terrifying consultant in the department.
‘Shall we go and treat some dickheads?’ she asks.
I smile back at her. ‘Let’s.’