Chapter 20
20
‘What an absolute, complete and utter bastard!’ Sarah exclaims when I’ve finished telling her and Mike about my meeting with Luke. ‘I’d cut his balls off and feed them to him on a plate. No. That’s too good for the likes of him. I’d cut his balls off, wipe his arse with them and then make him eat them.’
‘Bloody hell. Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you,’ Mike remarks from his station by the cooker. We’re having spaghetti bolognese tonight but, unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe in anything as simple as a jar of pasta sauce, so he’s been chopping vegetables and the smell of garlic and onion in the pan is making my mouth water.
‘You’d better believe it,’ she tells him with a smile. ‘Hell hath no fury and all that. The thing that really grips my shit in all of this is that he tried to blame his poor wife for being a bit off sex because she was pregnant with his bloody child! “Sorry about your morning sickness, hun, but I’ve got needs so I’m just going to pop out and shag someone else. You don’t mind, do you?” What a self-entitled wanker.’
‘Technically, if he were a wanker, the problem wouldn’t have arisen,’ I tell her. ‘Cindy did make that point.’
‘I just hope, for her sake, that she found some cathartic and imaginative things to do while she was packing her stuff.’
‘It wouldn’t surprise me. She was understandably furious.’
‘I can’t believe he gaslit you like that either. He deserves a dipping sauce made of fresh vomit to go with his shitty balls for that.’
‘Sarah,’ Mike says. ‘Can we leave off the anatomy and human secretions for a while? I’m trying to create a delicious dinner here and you’re putting me off.’
‘That’s the problem with admin staff,’ Sarah says with a giggle. ‘No stomach for the nitty-gritty of hospital life.’
‘I heard that.’
‘You were meant to, sweetie.’
‘Do you get a lot of bodily fluids in oncology?’ I ask.
‘Oh, no, but I did a stint in A I didn’t know he was married, and I stopped sleeping with him the moment I found out. I may have been the other woman, but I was never a part of his deception and I never would have been.
God, I really hate him right now. I hate what he’s done to me, and I hate what he’s done to her. Most of all, I hate the way he tried to wriggle out of it. What a coward. I hope I don’t have to work with him for a while, because I can’t see myself having a civil word to say to him right now.
* * *
Of course, fate has other ideas, doesn’t it, and sure enough Luke is there at the start of my next shift. To make things worse, it’s a midweek night shift. Although A&E can never be described as quiet, midweek nights are slower than weekends, which does allow time for more chat. Dr Rogers is our lead consultant tonight and I’m pleased to note that Luke is still a little wary around him after his dressing-down a few months ago, so he seems to be on his best behaviour. On the occasions that he does need to address me, he’s keeping the conversation strictly patient focused, although there’s something in his eyes that still makes me uncomfortable. When my break time comes, I try to sneak out undetected so he won’t follow me. The canteen is closed at this time of night, so there’s only the small staffroom to escape to.
I’ve barely boiled the kettle and opened the Tupperware box containing the sandwiches I made earlier before the door opens and Luke slips in.
‘I thought I’d find you in here,’ he says, sitting down next to me. ‘I think we need to talk, don’t you?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I reply as firmly as I can, given that I’m shaking with nerves suddenly. In an effort to seem nonchalant, I take a bite out of my sandwich, but Mike’s normally delicious home-baked bread suddenly tastes like dust in my mouth. ‘I have nothing to say to you, Luke.’
‘Are you for real?’ To my amazement he actually sounds angry with me. ‘I’ve just left my fucking wife for you, and you suddenly decide you have “nothing to say” to me? I’ve given up everything for you, like you said you wanted. You don’t get to back out now.’
I put the sandwich back in the box and turn to face him.
‘You haven’t left anyone for me, Luke,’ I tell him. ‘I was there, remember? You know, when you accused me of being a fantasist and making everything up.’
‘I was only trying to protect Cindy. She’s pregnant.’
‘With your child. A fact you conveniently forgot to mention when you were sleeping with me. Were you ever going to tell me the truth? Of course you weren’t. You were just using me for sex while your wife was out of action, another thing you mentioned, or have you forgotten?’
‘Again, I only said that to spare Cindy’s feelings. What you and I have is the real deal, Tilly. Yes, I admit I hid the fact I was married from you at the start, but that’s because I never expected to fall for you the way that I did. I wanted to find a way to tell you but there never seemed to be the right moment. I would always have left her for you. You’re the one that I’ve wanted for ages. I was just waiting for the right time to break it to Cindy, but you spared me the effort. I love you, Tilly.’
‘Bullshit. The only person you love is yourself. Anyway, what you want is irrelevant because I would have dumped you like a hot brick the moment I found out you were married. You’ve made me a homewrecker, Luke, and I’ll never forgive you for that.’
‘You’re not a homewrecker. Cindy and I were over ages ago. Sure, we were going through the motions of trying again, but we both knew we were becoming more like brother and sister than husband and wife. You didn’t wreck anything, Tilly. You brought me back to life and showed me what I wanted. I want you. Nothing else and nobody else.’
I laugh humourlessly. ‘A fact you demonstrated so beautifully when you threw me under the bus without a moment’s hesitation. There’s only one fantasist in this room, Luke, and it’s you. For all I know, you might genuinely believe all that crap you’ve just spouted, but there’s just one problem. I don’t believe a word of it and I don’t care. I will work with you because I don’t have a choice, but I won’t socialise with you and I never want you to disturb my breaks again. Do you understand?’
Although there is still plenty of time before I’m due back at work, I’m suddenly anxious to be away from here, so I close the lid on my uneaten sandwich and start to get to my feet.
‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ Luke snarls, his face contorted with ugly rage now. ‘You don’t get to just walk away. You owe me.’
‘I owe you nothing.’
‘If you turn your back on me now, I’ll finish you,’ he continues. ‘Don’t forget I outrank you in this department, and any situation where it’s my word against yours is not going to end well for you.’
‘That’s a chance I’ll have to take.’
‘Everything all right in here?’ Dr Rogers asks. In the intensity of our exchange, neither of us heard him enter.
‘Absolutely,’ Luke tells him, his voice suddenly pure reason and calm. ‘Tilly and I were just straightening out a difference of opinion on patient care.’
‘I’ll remind you, Dr Milne, that break times are supposed to be exactly that.’ Dr Rogers’s voice is stern. ‘If you have a difference of opinion, you will bring it to me during working hours, not threaten senior nurses on their tea breaks. Am I making myself clear?’
‘Yes, Dr Rogers.’ Luke is trying to sound subservient, but his eyes are filled with rage. I can’t believe I was ever taken in by those eyes.
‘Good. The patient in bay three needs your attention. Would you mind?’
Luke pushes back his chair with a scrape and stalks out of the door without looking back but, even though it’s unsaid, I know I haven’t heard the last of this.
‘Are you all right?’ Dr Rogers asks me, sinking gently into the chair that Luke has just vacated. ‘You look rattled, if you don’t mind me saying. If you need extra time, or if you want to file a complaint… I didn’t see or hear that much, but it sounded unpleasant. We don’t tolerate bullying in this hospital.’
‘I’ll be OK, thanks, Dr Rogers,’ I tell him shakily. ‘I don’t think he’ll try something like that again.’
‘Hm,’ is all he says as he levers himself back to his feet. ‘Well, it’s your decision. Enjoy the rest of your break.’
Alone once more, I force myself to eat the rest of the sandwich, even though every mouthful tastes like concrete in my mouth and I have to drink way more water than is sensible to wash it down. I know I need the energy to get through the rest of my shift though, so I plough doggedly through it. Even the chocolate bar that I normally relish feels like a chore to eat. Luke obviously isn’t going to let this go. What the hell am I going to do?