Chapter 26
26
‘Are you OK?’ I ask Will as we’re checking progress in the workshop after lunch. Jonathan disappeared for his nap before I could attempt my charm offensive, so I’ve decided to talk to Will directly and see if I can find anything out that way.
‘Yes. Why?’
‘I don’t know. You don’t seem quite yourself today. Was it the Audrey thing? I didn’t mean to put my foot in it; it’s just you seemed quite enthusiastic about tracking her down the other week.’
He looks at me for a long time, as if trying to make his mind up about something. Just as I’m starting to feel hot and uncomfortable under his gaze, he speaks.
‘You look different today,’ he says. ‘I can’t quite work out what it is.’
‘Different good or different bad?’ I ask, pleased that he’s noticed but definitely squirming under his scrutiny now.
‘Good. Am I allowed to say that? I don’t want to sound creepy.’
I laugh with relief. ‘It’s not creepy. Thank you. I just thought I’d make a bit of an effort today, that’s all.’
‘Well, whatever you’ve done, it suits you.’
Despite my reassurance, he’s obviously a little embarrassed by his revelation and an awkward silence descends again while we both study the helicopter.
‘Is that new?’ I ask, pointing out the word ‘Audrey’ painted on the fuselage in bright yellow.
‘Mm. I don’t remember seeing it before,’ he agrees. Why are we suddenly so stilted? Maybe he’s uncomfortable about thinking of his father having other girlfriends, although he didn’t seem that bothered before. Something’s definitely bugging him though.
‘Look. I’m sorry I suggested looking her up,’ I begin. ‘I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful to your mum’s memory.’
He sighs deeply and closes his eyes for a minute, before opening them again and looking at me. His expression is suddenly full of sadness. ‘There’s something I need to talk to you about,’ he says, and a lump forms in my throat. Has he glimpsed the prize, as Sarah put it, and decided he doesn’t want it? Is he gearing himself to let me down gently? I’m so riddled with questions and self-doubt that I almost miss what he says next. ‘Googling Audrey is simple for you, right?’ he asks. ‘Fire up the search engine, enter her name and away you go. Same with reading to Isaac. Open the book and read the words.’
‘That’s pretty much the size of it,’ I agree, unsure where this is going. I thought he was going to say something about me.
‘Yeah. The thing is, it’s not so simple for me. I’m severely dyslexic. Even if I could spell Audrey Carmichael, which I couldn’t, I’d find it nearly impossible to read the results. Isaac could probably read his book more fluently than me too.’
I hear the words and try to fit them with my existing knowledge of him, but they don’t make sense.
‘But you’re a technical content creator,’ I say stupidly after a moment. ‘That’s literally reading and writing, isn’t it?’
‘No. It’s visual. I make videos. I don’t write instruction manuals. Hell, I wouldn’t even be able to read one.’ His voice has a hard edge to it that I’ve never heard before, and I suddenly realise this must be the vulnerability Jonathan warned me about.
‘And all the books you keep quoting? Jane Austen and that poem?’
‘Audiobooks or, in the case of Pride and Prejudice , the TV series. Mum loved it and practically watched it on repeat. I could probably quote the whole script.’
‘Oh, Will. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I was so crass.’ Now that he’s told me, everything makes sense, and I feel a sudden rush of affection for him. Without thinking, I step forward and wrap my arms tightly around him. After a slightly awkward moment where I think we’re both surprised by what I’ve just done, I feel his arms come up and curl around my back.
‘You didn’t know,’ he says softly. ‘And it’s not something I broadcast. But it’s a big part of my life and, now that you’re part of my life too…’ He tails off. ‘Sorry. That didn’t come out right. I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘No. You absolutely should,’ I tell him, aware of my heart thumping hard in my chest. ‘You must always be honest with me. You’re a part of my life as well.’
‘In that case, can I ask you a question?’ Our arms are still wrapped around each other and, even though we’re both wearing thick coats against the cold, I can feel the warmth coming off him. It’s nice; I feel safe, like I belong here.
‘Of course you can,’ I reply.
He leans back a little so he can look at me. His eyes are sparkling where the sunlight catches them and I’m mesmerised by them. The whole sensation of being in his arms and looking into his open, honest face is stirring up powerful emotions in me. I feel like I never want to let go of him. I just want to stay here forever, in this moment with him.
‘I just figured out what’s different about you. You’re wearing make-up,’ he says.
‘That’s not a question.’
‘How come?’ My eyes are drawn to his mouth as he speaks and I have to resist the urge to reach up and trace the contours of his lips with my finger. ‘Was it for me?’
Shit. How to answer that? ‘I mainly dressed up because my interfering mother practically ordered me to’ isn’t going to strike the right note. Neither is admitting that I was planning to interrogate his father about why he’d been acting strangely and thought looking nice might help which, now I come to think about it, sounds wildly inappropriate. The truth, even if I couldn’t admit it to Sarah and Mike, is that I did do it at least partly for him but, even though I’ve just told him to be honest with me, I’m scared to do the same. Come on, Tilly. What’s the worst that can happen here if I admit that I’m developing feelings for him? Total humiliation, of course. The gentle let-down, followed by me running from this shed, through the house, and driving home in floods of tears. No matter how much I’ve tried to protect myself, this moment is forcing me to confront how I feel about Will, and I’m terrified by the strength of my emotions. Yes, I made a massive mistake before and I’m naturally cautious but, now he’s told me his secret, I know without a doubt that Will is everything Luke wasn’t, and the thought of not having him in my life is like staring into a fathomless void. All of this makes the precipice I’m currently standing on more dangerous.
‘Tilly?’ His voice is gentle, but his arms are starting to drop. The moment is passing, but I’m not ready to let it go. I need to trust him; he’s just told me I’m part of his life, after all.
‘What if it was?’ I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
He sighs. ‘I did wonder. Listen, there’s something else I need to tell you.’
I’m not sure what I was hoping he’d say, but it wasn’t this. I can feel my spirits plummeting as I sink down onto the stool by the workbench.
‘If there’s someone else…’ I begin, my mind automatically going into self-protection mode and starting to try to work out how I can escape from here with as much of my dignity intact as possible, so I can drive straight over to Mum’s and kill her.
‘There isn’t,’ he assures me, cutting me off. ‘At least, not any more. But there was. It didn’t end well and that makes me nervous.’
Part of me wants to make light of it and tell him that I know all about relationships that don’t end well, but his eyes have clouded over with sadness and it’s obvious this is not the time for jokes.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I ask gently.
Another big sigh. ‘Her name is Cass. I first met her a couple of years ago when I was out with some friends from work, and she was behind the bar of the place we were at. She was quite flirty, but some people just are, aren’t they? So I didn’t give it any thought until one of my friends pointed out that I was the only one in that bar getting the full puppy-dog eyes from her. Anyway, I was in a good mood as we’d just finished a successful project and I had a couple of pints of Dutch courage inside me, so I asked for her number when she came to clear the glasses off the table.’
‘OK.’ I’m not sure where this is going, but I can see he needs to get it off his chest. ‘Did she give it to you?’
‘Oh, yes. We met up the next day, got on brilliantly and that was that.’
‘A whirlwind romance.’ I already hate her for the feeling of jealousy that’s unexpectedly settled in the pit of my stomach.
He smiles ruefully. ‘I guess so. I’ll admit that I fell for her hard, and it seemed like no time had passed before we were talking about moving in together.’
‘And did you?’
‘Yes, and everything was rosy, to begin with at least.’
‘What happened?’ I haven’t enjoyed this story at all so far, so I’m hoping that she’ll turn out to have been a three-headed witch at the very least.
‘When I explained to her about my dyslexia, she made all the right noises, but it quickly became clear she hadn’t taken in what I’d said at all. She used to get frustrated when I couldn’t read things fast enough. She’d demand that I write something down and then have a go at me because it wasn’t spelled correctly. She even bought me some workbooks designed for a five-year-old at one point. She said she was determined to cure me.’
I definitely hate her now.
‘That’s horrible,’ I say, more vehemently than I expected. ‘I hope you told her where to stick her workbooks.’
‘I should have. I realise that now, but I was in love and I genuinely thought she was trying to help, so I did them to make her happy. Honestly, I felt like an idiot filling in questions about which was the green square and what colour the circle was.’
‘And did it make her happy?’
‘No. She just got more and more snappy with me as time went on and there wasn’t any improvement. The happy, bubbly woman I’d fallen for turned into a hissing cloud of resentment. In her mind, my lack of progress was purely because I wasn’t trying hard enough.’
‘She sounds like an absolute charmer.’
‘Mm. The really strange thing is that I couldn’t see how miserable she was making me, and how controlling she’d become.’
‘What happened?’
‘Mum, of course. She didn’t say anything to me – she knew it would just drive a wedge between us – but she could see that I wasn’t happy, even if I couldn’t see it myself. Cass was clever; she always turned on the charm around Mum and Dad, but she started to get careless. One day, she made a disparaging remark to me in Mum’s hearing.’
‘Uh-oh.’ I may never have met the famous Geraldine, but you don’t need to be a genius to work out that she wouldn’t have reacted well.
‘Yeah. Mum told her firmly not to talk to me like that, and Cass completely lost her shit with her. She screamed a load of vile stuff that I’m not going to repeat, but the gist was that I was a waste of space, she’d basically been carrying me for months, she’d talk to me however she liked and my mother should be grateful that anyone was prepared to take on her charity case of a son.’
‘I’m surprised your dad didn’t throw her out.’
‘I think he would have, if she hadn’t stormed out before he got the chance. Anyway, it opened my eyes at last.’
‘So you ended it.’
‘I was going to, but I had to deal with Mum and Dad and the fallout first. By the time I got back to the flat, she’d packed all her stuff and gone. That was six months ago and I haven’t seen her since.’
‘I’m so sorry, Will. You didn’t deserve that.’
‘Thanks, but can you understand why I’m wary? You’re not dyslexic and, although I’m sure you’ll do your best, I worry that you’ll just end up getting similarly frustrated when I can’t fill in what looks like a basic form to you, or look up one of my dad’s ex-girlfriends online. I like you, Tilly, I really do. But I’m not sure I can go through the wringer again.’
Any remaining reserve I feel about him fades away as my heart melts. But then I check myself. Am I falling into exactly the trap he’s talking about? Is this the beginnings of something deeper, or am I just feeling protective, like he’s some kind of wounded animal that I need to take care of? If it’s the second, he’ll see through me and we’re just heading for disaster.
Fuck. Why is everything always so bloody complicated?