Chapter 29
29
I’m frustrated. I’m trying very hard not to be but, despite the fact that Will and I have spent quite a lot of time together over the last few weeks, we haven’t progressed beyond hugging hello and goodbye. My hope for a spot of romantic hand-holding when we took Isaac out for the day was dashed by his demands to walk between us and be swung, and the opportunity hasn’t really come up again since. Although Jonathan continues to be very welcoming towards me, his attempts to discreetly give us space when I visit them have been so blatant that they’re actually off-putting. The obvious thing to do would have been to bring Will over to my flat, but we’ve just been ‘blessed’ by another visit from Lena, and she’s the last person I want him to meet at the moment. If Jonathan didn’t quite manage to scare Will off, Lena certainly would. Thankfully, after traumatising the washing machine again, she’s disappeared off again to be absolutely indispensable in some war zone or other, and my mind has been feverishly trying to work out an excuse to invite him over at a time when I know Mike and Sarah won’t be there.
Today is going to be another wasted opportunity. After a lot of indecision and, according to Will, endless lengthy conversations about weather, wind speed and visibility with boring Bernard, Jonathan has decided that he’s ready to give Audrey her inaugural flight. On the plus side, Will is on his way over to my flat for the first time, but sadly it’s only to collect me to take me to the location of the mysterious flying club so we can cheer from the sidelines. Tash tried very hard to persuade us to take Isaac, but we eventually managed to convince her that standing in a muddy field for hours would really not be his cup of tea.
‘Looking good, Tilly,’ Sarah says with a smile as I come out of my bedroom. Will has warned me that it can get quite cold, so I’ve gone for a chunky roll-neck sweater over my jeans. I’ve got thick socks on, and my walking boots are ready by the front door. I’ve also been learning a few more make-up tricks from her, going for a subtle smoky-eye effect today, which I thought went well with the slightly seventies vibe of the sweater.
‘Thanks,’ I reply. ‘It’s supposed to be sexy but warm.’
‘I reckon you’ve nailed the brief. What time is he collecting you?’
‘Eight thirty. It will take us a while to get there, apparently, and Will doesn’t want to be late.’
‘And you’re inviting him up while you get your shoes on, like we discussed?’ Mike says from the sofa. Ever since I told them that Will was coming over, they’ve been obsessed with meeting him, and my original plan to be ready so I could just run down to the front door when he arrived was swiftly overruled.
‘Only if you put a dressing gown on,’ I tell him firmly. ‘I might be able to cope with you sprawling about the place in your boxer shorts, but I’ve had years to get used to it. I don’t want his first impression of my home to be you with your testicles hanging out.’
‘My balls aren’t hanging out!’ he says indignantly.
‘Not at the moment,’ Sarah agrees. ‘But they do have a habit of popping out to say hello when you’re not looking. Do as the lady says and put a dressing gown on, will you?’
‘I just hope this all proves to be worth it and he starts spending time here,’ Mike mutters as he heaves himself off the sofa, giving Sarah and me an eyeful of scrotum as he does. ‘I could do with some male support.’
‘You poor thing,’ Sarah coos sarcastically at his back, before turning to me once he’s out of earshot. ‘I’ve got him some of those trunk-style pants for Christmas. They look like boxer shorts, but will hopefully keep him better contained. There’s nothing like unexpected glimpses of male genitalia to put you off your breakfast, and I’m quite fond of his genitals, on the whole. How you put up with it is anyone’s guess.’
‘Like I said, I’ve had years of it.’
‘He was a lot more careful when Lena was here, did you notice?’
I laugh. ‘He flashed her once, early on, and she threatened to cut them off and feed them to him if she ever saw them again. I think it probably focused his mind.’
‘Why didn’t you try that?’
‘Oh, I did, but I lack Lena’s psycho streak, so he understandably didn’t take me seriously.’
‘He’s late,’ Mike announces as he re-enters the room, wrapping a towelling dressing gown round himself. ‘Not a very good first impression when meeting your flatmate Mum and Dad, is it?’
‘If you start that, I’ll meet him downstairs like I originally planned. I’m only bringing him up here to shut you up. You won’t be interviewing him, asking his intentions or anything else. Any funny business and you’ll be sleeping with the fishes, capisce ?’
‘Fine. If you’re going to come over all mafioso about it,’ Mike huffs.
‘I think, technically, that would be mafiusa,’ Sarah corrects him. ‘Mafioso is for men.’
‘Is that really a word? I thought the Mafia was a male stronghold, and the women just pitched up at the funerals looking incredibly glamorous in black dresses and sunglasses.’
‘No, there are lots of female Mafia bosses, actually. Maria Licciardi is one of the best known, but there are several others.’
Before Mike or I have a chance to quiz Sarah on her slightly disturbing knowledge of the Mafia, the buzzer rings.
‘Right. Best behaviour or the Mafia will be the least of your worries. Got it?’ I hiss before picking up the receiver and asking Will to come up. I may be frustrated with our lack of physical progress, but that doesn’t stop my heart from beating a little quicker when I open the door and see him. Unlike me, he’s gone full-on outdoorsy with a bobble hat (always questionable on a man in my opinion), a thick coat that reaches almost to his knees, and stout boots. He’s barely through the front door before Mike is advancing on him.
‘You must be Will,’ he says. ‘I’m Mike, Tilly’s flatmate, and this is my girlfriend Sarah.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ Will replies politely, taking Mike’s proffered hand. Despite his promise to behave, Mike has obviously gone for his bone-crusher handshake, as I detect a faint wince on Will’s face. I don’t know why Mike does it; David Attenborough would probably describe it as some sort of dominant behaviour, but it’s frankly unnecessary and I shoot him a warning look.
‘I’ve heard so much about you, it’s lovely to meet you in person at last,’ Sarah says, pushing Mike aside and wrapping Will in a hug that he looks only slightly less uncomfortable about. I’m definitely regretting giving in to them.
‘Tilly tells me you’re off to fly remote-controlled aircraft,’ Mike continues. ‘Unusual hobby.’
‘It’s not, ah, my hobby as such,’ Will stammers, evidently completely thrown off balance by the two of them. ‘My father, umm…’
‘I explained this to you,’ I say to Mike crossly as I yank furiously on my laces, anxious to get Will out of here as quickly as possible. ‘Will’s father has a very expensive and exotic helicopter that he’s been getting ready. We’re just going to watch and give moral support.’
‘Of course you are,’ Mike replies smoothly. ‘I’ll look forward to hearing all about it when we get back tomorrow, Tilly.’
‘Are you going somewhere nice?’ Will asks. He’s probably trying to shift the attention away from us, but I love him for making the effort to engage them in conversation.
‘Sarah’s mum and dad live in Norfolk,’ Mike explains. ‘Our working patterns this year mean we won’t have time to see both sets of parents over Christmas, so we’re going up there this weekend instead.’ He lowers his voice conspiratorially, as if letting Will into a precious secret. ‘Apparently, we’re going to do the whole thing as if it were for real. Stockings, presents under the tree, Christmas dinner. Bit fucking weird if you ask me, but I’m sure you know what it’s like. When the girl you love wants something, you’ll do anything you can to give it to her.’
‘Don’t call my parents weird,’ Sarah retorts before Will has a chance to say anything. ‘Yours are hardly a bastion of normality, are they?’ She turns to Will. ‘Mike’s family choose to spend all of Christmas Day in their pyjamas, apparently.’
‘That’s not weird. Lots of people do it.’
‘ Matching pyjamas,’ Sarah finishes with a giggle. ‘A little bit of Stepford Wives in Canterbury.’
‘I’m ready,’ I announce, eager to get Will away from whatever stunt it is that Mike and Sarah are trying to pull. ‘Shall we go?’
‘Your flatmates seem nice,’ Will says carefully as we make our way downstairs.
‘Technically, only Mike is my flatmate, but you’re very tactful,’ I reply with a laugh. ‘I have no idea what that was, and I’m very sorry you had to go through it. I will be having a word with them, trust me.’
‘It’s fine. Mike was obviously sizing me up with whatever that handshake was. I just hope I passed the test.’
‘There is no test. He was out of order and I’ll be pointing that out to him tomorrow.’
‘OK. Before you get too hot under the collar though, there’s something I need to tell you about today.’
‘What?’
‘Audrey’s going to be there.’
‘I know that. That’s why we’re going.’
‘Not the helicopter. The person.’
‘ What ? When did you find this out?’
‘Just as I was getting ready to come and pick you up. Dad and boring Bernard were loading the helicopter into Bernard’s trailer when this car pulled up on the road and a woman got out. I assumed she was lost and wanting directions until Dad went over and hugged her.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it, if I’m honest. I was OK about him meeting her for a drink after we talked it through, but this feels like it’s becoming more. Do you think I’m being paranoid?’
‘What’s she like?’
‘She seemed nice enough when Dad introduced her. I was expecting an Australian accent, but apart from a very slight twang, she sounds as English as you and me.’
‘Tall, short? Good-looking?’
‘Average height. Dark hair. You can decide for yourself if she’s good-looking when you meet her. I was too surprised to take that much in.’
Silence falls as I digest this information and Will concentrates on navigating us safely out of the town. This is the first time I’ve been in his car, and I’m relieved to see that he’s a careful driver. I treat far too many traffic accident victims to appreciate gung-ho driving.
‘Will?’ I ask once we’re out on to the dual carriageway. ‘Don’t you think it’s odd that she just happens to be in the country on the very weekend that your dad decides to give her namesake its maiden flight?’
‘I thought that too, so I cornered Dad while she was using the loo, and he admitted that he’d planned the whole inaugural flight to be this weekend specifically because she was going to be around. That’s why he was so obsessive about the weather and everything with boring Bernard last night, because he was terrified the conditions wouldn’t be right.’
‘I know I told you to back off, but I’m starting to wonder if you were right and there’s more to this than meets the eye. I thought you said your dad hadn’t mentioned her since they met for a drink.’
‘Me too, and he hasn’t. That’s why I want to ask you a favour.’
‘Uh-oh.’
‘I was wondering if you could perhaps sound her out a bit. You know, woman to woman. Find out what she thinks is going to happen.’
‘I’m not sure, Will. Your dad won’t thank us if he thinks we’re interfering.’
‘Given how much he’s tried to interfere in my life since I moved back, I don’t think he’s got much of a leg to stand on there.’
‘Even still…’
‘I’m not suggesting the whole shine-a-light-in-her-eyes-style interrogation. Just, you know, if the opportunity arises to talk about Dad.’
‘You mean you want me to engineer the opportunity.’
‘I never said that.’
‘It’s what you meant though.’
He does at least have the grace to look guilty. ‘If you were able to find anything out, I’d be grateful. No pressure.’
‘Fine. I’m not promising anything though.’
‘Thanks, Tilly. I owe you one.’
I turn to him and smile. ‘After Mike and Sarah’s performance just now, we’re probably quits.’