Chapter 5
Five
MARISSA
This house is so quiet. I don’t know what to do with myself without Gracie here. I’ve been sitting on the couch and flipping through channels for hours.
“Oh, come on, you have to stop moping around.” Amanda throws herself beside me.
“Don’t you have your own house?” I tease.
“Yeah, but you need someone to tell you to suck it up and stop being miserable.” She shoves me playfully.
“That’s easy for you to say. I’ve never been away from Grace for more than a night.” I grab a throw pillow and hug it to my chest.
“It’s just a few weeks. It’s not like she’s actually gone off to college,” she laughs.
“Ugh, I don’t even want to think about that,” Groaning I bury my face in my hands.
“You know, you could take this opportunity to start dating again.” Before she finishes her sentence, she has her phone out and is scrolling. “Let’s see who I can set you up with?”
“No! I don’t want to date anyone, and definitely not your leftovers.” I throw the pillow at her.
“Why are you still hung up on Adam?” Her glare bores a hole right through me.
“I’m not hung up on him.” I’m totally still hung up on him but she doesn’t need to know that. “I just don’t want to be with anyone else.”
“Seriously, Mar?”
“So anyway, the parent thing is Saturday,” I attempt to change the subject.
“That’s true. What are you going to wear? There’s got to be at least one hot single teacher.”
“Would you stop?” Pursing my lips I turn towards her. “Actually, I have to work but I am going to try and leave early. The first few hours are a meet and greet with the teachers. I really want to be there to meet this guy Gracie won’t stop talking about.”
“Oh, does she have a little boyfriend?” Amanda asks.
“No, he’s a teacher, and I will kill someone for touching her. She idolizes him a little too much. He took her out for ice cream, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. He did tell her she needed to stop spending so much time behind her computer and to enjoy being a kid. In a way, I’m thankful for that because you know how she is with that damn computer. You just hear all these horror stories. I’m trying not to be creeped out by him before I have a chance to meet him.”
“Maybe he’s just trying to be a good role model? She doesn’t have a father, it’s good that she has some sort of male figure in her life. Is he single? Maybe he could be a new uncle or stepdad.”
“He’s encouraging her to pursue the life I’m trying to keep her out of.” I ignore her last comment completely.
“We’ve been over this, Marissa. You have to let her live her own life.” The pillow I threw at her comes back at me, hitting me on the head.
“In case I can’t get off work in time, will you drive down there? I’ll meet you after if I’m not there. I would just feel better knowing at least one of us could meet him and see what kind of person he is.”
“Sure, I can do that. I’m totally up for meeting hot teachers or hot daddies. Or maybe even a hot teacher daddy.” Amanda laughs so hard that I’m certain she’s crying.
“Why do I put up with you?”
“Because you love me!”
Finally, I arrive at the school after breaking every traffic law to get here. There was no way I was going to let something as trivial as a speed limit stop me from getting here on time. I park the car and head for the auditorium. There is just enough time for me to at least meet this Mr. Schwartz that Grace has been obsessed with.
I walk in the open door, and my whole world comes to a screeching halt. Everything closes in, and all I can see is him. The most gorgeous man I have ever laid eyes on is talking to Amanda and motioning to Grace with the stack of papers in his hand. From his signature shaggy black hair to that unmistakable scar on the left side of his face stretching from his hairline to cheekbone. It’s him. He’s older and definitely bulkier, but it is undeniably him. He’s wearing a black button-down with the sleeves rolled up, showing off a tattoo that covers most of his forearm. That’s new— realization finally slams into me.
No… No, no, no… This can’t be happening.
Holy shit, Alex Schwartz is Adam. The great Alex Schwartz, the man Grace talks about constantly is none other than her father. How in hell am I going to get out of this? I slip back out of the door before anyone has a chance to notice me. I need to buy myself some time, so I send a quick text to Amanda telling her I am stuck in traffic and not going to make it in time.
I fight back the bile rising in my throat and rush to the safety of my car. Sitting behind the wheel, I lay my head on the headrest and start to hyperventilate. This is not how it was supposed to go. It’s been thirteen years, so who knows, maybe he won’t remember me. And if he does? Well, maybe he won’t recognize me.
Who am I kidding, he’ll know exactly who I am. Oh God, what if he figures out who Grace is? I never expected to see him again, and I definitely never planned on him meeting Grace.
My chest tightens and the overwhelming feeling of suffocating consumes me.
He is going to hate me.
She is going to hate me.
I cannot do this. My heart rate increases, and the noise around me becomes muffled. I try to calm my breathing and fail miserably, my vision closing in on me. Remembering my anxiety meds are stashed in the center console, I grab the bottle, take two, and try to focus on slowing my breathing while I look for my five things.
The steering wheel is in front of me. I focus on the shape and color of it—it’s round with a fluffy, pink cover on.
There’s a street light outside my car—it’s tall, black, and has posters on it.
A small red bird is on the sidewalk and a long black park bench. I take another deep breath, and start to calm down.
Last, I see a small child waddling through the grass ahead of its parents.
What can I feel? I feel the steering wheel underneath my hands and the death grip I have on it. I loosen the hold and rub my thumbs along the soft material of the steering wheel cover. I reach over, turn on the air conditioning and focus on the feel of the cool air hitting my face. I bring my hand up to my neck and grab the cross necklace I’ve worn since I was a teenager. Concentrating on the smooth metal as I rub it between my thumb and forefinger.
Doing this always seems to calm me.
I can feel how my jeans cling to my skin, and I notice how they feel slightly rough and uncomfortable. I take a deep breath, and I can feel myself starting to relax even more.
I move on to the three things I can hear: laughter, birds chirping, the soft hum of a car going by.
Two things I can smell: fresh-cut grass and my vanilla air freshener.
Last, I move on to what I can taste. I take a sip of the coffee I picked up on the way here and enjoy the bitterness of it.
Now that I have calmed myself out of the anxiety attack completely, and the meet and greet is officially over, I can find the two of them.
I get out of the car and quickly make my way to the dorm Gracie is staying in. I knock on the door, and Amanda opens it. “Hey, you made it just in time to take us out for lunch.”
“Mom, I really wanted you to meet my teachers,” Grace pouts.
“I’m so sorry, Gracie. I wanted to meet them too, but we will have another opportunity.” Hopefully, by then, I can come up with a plan on how to handle the whole Adam/Alex situation.
Wait, so he did give me a fake name!
“Yeah, it’s such a shame you had to miss Professor Hottie. He was delicious.” Amanda grins.
“Can you stop calling him that!”
“I think someone might have a little crush on the guy.” Amanda motions with her eyes to Grace.
“Eww, I do not! What is wrong with you?”
Well, it’s a good thing because he’s your father. I decide to keep that comment to myself.
“He had a sexy accent; you know accents are my thing. And he had these tattoos…” Amanda rambles on, making my stomach turn.
“I thought red flags were your thing?” I tease to try and ease the nausea bubbling again.
“Accents, tattoos, and red flags. Yes please—sign me up!” She fans herself.
“All right, let’s get food, or do you need to take a cold shower first?” I shake my head and let out a laugh.
“The diner again?” she asks.
“How about the café here on campus? I hear they have really good food,” Gracie adds.
“We could always have something delivered and just hang out here.” I really don’t want to take the chance of running into Adam or Alex—or whatever his name is again. This, of course, is met with disgust from both of them. “Okay, okay. We can go to the café here.” I mean, he works here. Surely he doesn’t eat here too.
We head to the café and spend an hour eating and talking. As the time passes, I stop looking over my shoulder and focus on the meal. I’m just enjoying the day with my daughter and sister. I’m fine, it’s fine, everything is fine.
“Mr. Schwartz is amazing. I wish my teachers back home were like him. He’s so nice and he really knows what he’s talking about because he’s worked in the field before. Oh, and did I tell you he took me out for ice cream?” Grace chatters away to Amanda.
“Sounds like professor hottie is a great guy. Is he single?” Amanda asks, causing Grace to groan.
“You know I would really like to hear about something else you like about the program besides Mr. Schwartz.” I tease but of course he fills the conversation.
At the end of the meal, I pay the bill at the register, but when I turn to leave, I walk into a hard, broad chest.
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I look up and immediately am lost in those familiar emerald green eyes.
Well, shit.
“Isa,” he whispers.
I freeze like a deer in headlights. After a long moment, I come to my senses and step back from him. I’m about to play it off and pretend he’s mistaken me for someone else when Grace walks up behind me, ruining my plans.
“Mr. Schwartz, it looks like you do get to meet my mom!”
Adam looks over at her and then back to me, and the moment of realization is clear, followed by a flash of anger in his eyes. His face turns red, a vein bulges in his neck, and if I didn’t know any better, I would swear smoke was about to come out of his ears. “Isa!” he says through gritted teeth.
I look at him for a moment before I say the first and possibly dumbest thing that comes to mind. “Hi, I’m Marissa Summers. It’s nice to meet you finally.” I stick out my hand for him to shake as if I am completely oblivious as to who he is.
“What the fuck.” He narrows his eyes at me. Yeah, that went well.
“Uh, is everything okay, Marissa?” Amanda positions herself defensively at my side.
My eyes dart between her and Grace, whose eyes are wide. “Yeah, everything is fine. Can you take Gracie back to her room while I have a conversation with her favorite teacher?” It comes out over the top bubbly, but I need to reassure both of them that everything is fine, and that I’m not spiraling. I hold my breath as they walk away, only letting it out once they are out of sight.
“What the fuck, Isa! I have a fucking daughter?” My face must give away my surprise. “Oh, you think I didn’t recognize her name and put two and two together?”
“Is this the best place to have this conversation?” My voice comes out way calmer than I feel.
He grabs me by the elbow and pulls me out of the door and up the stairs of a nearby building. For the first time ever, I’m actually afraid of him.
“Adam, you’re hurting me.” As we go into the building, I try to pull my arm out of his grip.
“I don’t give a damn.” He continues dragging me down a long hallway.
“What are you doing? Where are you taking me?” I fight back tears as I struggle to keep up with him. When he turns toward me, this is not the face of the man I fell in love with, the man who would never do anything to hurt me. No, this is the face of a man blinded by rage, out for revenge, and not caring who he hurts to get it. I don’t know who this person is.
“Somewhere where we can talk.” He pulls me into an open office and slams the door. Then, he proceeds to shove me up against it and leans over me, bracing himself with his arm above my head. With his face mere inches from mine, the woodsy scent of his cologne takes me back. It’s the same one he wore then. This is not the time to think about how much I’ve missed him… “Start talking, Isa,” he all but snarls at me.
“I–” I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off.
“You were pregnant? That’s why you fucking disappeared? How fucking dare you keep my daughter away from me! You disappear for thirteen years, and then you want to act as if nothing happened? We searched for you. We all grieved for you. We didn’t know if you were alive, Isa. You didn’t just break my heart when you left; you destroyed the whole fucking group. They lost a friend, and I lost a,” he pauses for a moment, “someone who never gave a damn about me! Do you know the hell we went through looking for you? No, and you don’t give a damn, do you?”
“You were a fugitive! The whole government wanted locked up for life or worse. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to raise a child like that? I found out I was pregnant, and I had a choice to make.” I stand up straighter, trying to appear more confident than I really am. “I chose to give our daughter a better life than the one you could give her. You told me once if they found out about me, they would use me against you. What would have happened if they had found out about her, huh? Would you want your daughter to be constantly harassed by the police?” Tears stream down my face, and I kick myself for being an angry crier. I need to stand my ground and not look like I’m about to break.
“You’re right, Isa! I was in no position to raise a child, and I know that, but I had a right to know I had one! I spent three years in prison. I cleared my name and got my conviction overturned. I’ve been free for seven years. That’s seven years I could have had with Grace. I was robbed of years with my daughter because you wanted to be selfish!” He slams his fist on the door beside my head and something in me snaps.
“Don’t you dare call me selfish.” I use all my strength to shove him off me, and he stumbles back. “Selfish would have been running away with you and condemning our child to a life of hell. That would have been selfish. Choosing to disappear was not selfish. You have no idea what I went through or how hard it was for me. Don’t act like this was a fucking walk in the park.
“You named her after my fucking sister! My sister, who has no fucking clue she exists! You didn’t want to tell me? Fine.” He throws his hands up in the air. “But you had no excuse not to tell Freedom or Annie or hell, even Jennifer! Why did you abandon them, too? They didn’t deserve that.”
My confidence wavers, and I am too overcome with shame to look at him. He’s right. They didn’t deserve that. I stare at the floor and mumble the only explanation I have, even though I know it’ll never be enough. “I was afraid they would tell you.”
“You want to know the worst part about not knowing what happened to you?! The thought of you being dead was actually easier to deal with than the thought of you running! That would have meant you didn’t have a choice. I convinced myself that you were dead because then you didn’t purposely turn your back on everyone who loved you! You turned your back on me like it was nothing. Like I was nothing. How am I supposed to be okay with that?”
“Adam, I’m so-”
“Oh, you’re sorry?” he mocks. “No, you’re sorry the truth came out. Don’t even act like you care, Isa. I fucking loved you, and you didn’t give a damn.”
“Adam, I did love —” I step forward and reach out for him.
“Don’t you dare.” He shoves my hand away. “I don’t believe in love. You ruined that. Adam may have loved you, but guess what? Adam doesn’t exist. Alex is just as cold-hearted as you.” He brushes past me and storms out, slamming the door behind him.
For a moment, I stand here stunned, staring at the door. Then, it happens. The floodgates open, and the tears I have been holding back for years come tumbling out. I honestly don’t know how I am going to get through this. I allow myself a few minutes to let them out before collecting myself and heading back to the dorm. I knock on the door, and both Amanda and Grace open it, eager to find out what just happened, but I have no energy to explain.
“What did you and Mr. Schwartz talk about? Are you crying?” Grace is first to speak.
“No, I’m fine. I’m just really tired.” Lies. “We were just talking about you and how you’re one of his best students.” More lies. I cringe internally, but at this point, I don’t have the energy to come up with a better story.
“He seemed pretty upset with you. When we left, did you do something?” She quirks her eyebrow. “Please tell me you didn’t go on one of your rants about how you hate all of this . He is the only person I’ve ever met who actually understands me. I swear Mom, if he treats me differently because you don’t want me learning programming, I’ll never forgive you!”
“Trust me, baby, I didn’t do anything to jeopardize your experience here or your relationship with your teacher.” Truly, I hope that’s what will happen.
“How do you know?” She crosses her arms over her chest and cocks her hip out.
“Because you’re his favorite student. I’m not going to mess that up.” You’re also his daughter, and I am a terrible mother . Instead of saying any of that I fake the biggest smile I can muster.
“All right, I think it’s time we head back.” Amanda gives Grace a big hug and shakes her like she always does.
Grace turns to me. “I love you.” I kiss her on the forehead, Amanda links arms with me, and we head for the car.
With the exception of my run-in with Adam/Alex, it has been a great day spending time with Grace. I can tell Amanda knows something happened, but thankfully, she doesn’t say anything.
That is until we get in the car.
“Okay, spill it, sister!”
“Spill what?”
“What’s the real deal with you and Professor Hottie?” She gives me a minute to come clean, but when I don’t, she adds, “He’s her dad, isn’t he?”
“What? Why on earth would you think that?” I try to laugh genuinely, but it doesn’t come out that way.
“Well, he had what I can only assume to be a German accent. Then, I saw his reaction to her calling you mom. Honestly, I’m not sure how I didn’t catch on sooner. I mean, just look at them. They’re practically twins.”
“What am I going to do?” I let out a defeated sigh
“Maybe tell her the truth. I’m guessing by your red eyes and puffy face he didn’t take it so well. You have to tell her before he does. If he does it first, your relationship with Gracie may never recover.” She pulls me into a hug. “Don’t worry, you’ll get through this. I’ll be here to support you while you do.