Chapter 12
Twelve
ALEX
Marissa walks off toward the house, and I turn back to everyone. “Anyone else have anything to say? Because if so, you can leave.”
Nobody says anything, so I rush back to the house to talk to Marissa. When I walk into the living room I find Grace playing video games with the other kids so I continue up the stairs to the room they are staying in. I knock on the door once before opening it. Marissa is sitting on the bed crying.
“Go away, Alex.” She covers her face with her hands. Her shoulders shake as sobs wrack her body.
I know I told her she deserved this, but I honestly never imagined Annie would go as far as physically assaulting her. Seeing her like this causes an ache in my chest that I can’t explain. I feel the need to comfort her, to hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok and to protect her from anything else that gets thrown her way. I want to kiss away her tears and…
Fuck ! What am I saying? I’m supposed to hate her.
“Hey.” I kneel in front of her and pull her hands into mine.
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I need to go back home.” Her trembling hands recoil at my touch.
“What Annie did was completely uncalled for. I’ve made it extremely clear that I will not tolerate anyone treating you that way again. Please stay for Grace.” I stand and lift her off the bed and into my arms when I do. “Grace needs you here.” I need you here. “It’s only a couple of days.” She nods, and reluctantly, I let go of her.
After dinner, everyone gathers around the fire, drinking and talking. These get-togethers only happen once a month, and even then, we don’t always have everyone, especially Jen, so it’s nice to catch up. Grabbing a drink, I sit between Annie and Jennifer. Isa is across the fire, far enough that she can’t hear me.
I learn over and whisper to Annie. “I know it’s hard, but we have a kid together. Being a part of her life means at least being civil with Isa so please try to play nice.” Rationally, I can see both sides of this, but I don’t want Grace to be hurt by the drama going on.
“I couldn’t help it, Alex. I saw her, and I just got so mad. I have been so angry since Free told me you found her. You know you have rights. You can be her father without having to put up with Isa, right?”
“Annie,” I warn as I take a sip from my warm beer.
“Look, I know I took things too far, but I’m serious. I don’t want you getting involved with her again.” She angles her body towards mine and gives me a look of what I can only describe as pity.
“I didn’t handle things like I should have at first, either. I completely lost it on her, too, so I get it, but that doesn’t make it right. I know I have rights, but it’s best for Grace that we could all get along. I want you to be a part of her life, too. So please apologize to Marissa.” I plead with her.
It is extremely frustrating to see how Annie is acting. She wasn’t even that close to Marissa, so I’m not sure why she is taking his harder than anyone.
“I’m not going to make any promises when it comes to Isa, but I did get to talk to Grace for a few minutes earlier. It amazes me how much you guys have in common, and you’ve only just met. She seems like a good kid, incredibly smart.” She pauses, deep in thought as she takes a drink. A look of regret flashes across her face. “I’m glad she didn’t see what happened earlier. I want to be the fun aunt, not the aunt who slapped her mother.”
“I’m glad we can at least agree on that.” It doesn’t make me feel any better, but I do trust that she will do the right thing. Looking over, I see Freedom coming out of the house. I get up to get another drink.
“I spent some time with your mini-me.” She leans against the counter and teases.
“She is amazing, isn’t she?” I now understand all of those parents who constantly brag about their kids because it’s all I’ve wanted to do since meeting her.
“She does seem pretty great, but her mother’s pretty great too, you know?” There’s a mischievous glint in her eyes. Here we go again!
“Yeah, if you say so.” I roll my eyes. I really don’t want to have this conversation with Miss Positivity.
“You can lie to me all you want, but please don’t lie to yourself.” She gives a knowing look that tells me she can see through my bullshit.
“I’m not sure I know what you mean.” I glance over at Marissa, and we lock eyes for a brief moment before I look back at Freedom.
“It’s the way you look at her.” She smiles and folds her arms over her chest. “You look at her as if she’s the missing piece your soul has been searching for. You always have.”
“Seriously, Free? I think you’ve been watching too many cheesy movies.”
“You still love her. Don’t let your anger ruin one of the best things that has ever happened to you.” She pats my shoulder and walks away with a pep in her step.
Even if I did still love her, that doesn’t mean things would work between us. And right now, I don’t even want to try to figure that out. I’d rather just drown my feelings in alcohol. I empty my beer down my throat and grab another. I am really going to regret this in the morning.
A few hours and several more beers later, the group starts to dwindle down until it’s just me, Marissa, and Grace left. Grace has already gone to bed, and I’m not entirely sure where Marissa is, but I should probably head to bed myself. I put the fire out and clean up the mess before making my way up the stairs. Marissa comes out of the bathroom and starts to walk past me, but I grab her arm, forcing her to look at me. The moment our eyes meet, I forget everything. Fuck it .
Maybe Freedom was right. Maybe I do still love her. I push her against the wall and kiss her. As soon as our lips touch, she shoves me away from her.
“You smell like a fucking brewery.” Her nose scrunches in disgust.
“Oh, come on, don’t act like you don’t want this. Or would you rather kiss Dominik? I saw you two getting cozy earlier.” I wrap my hand around her throat and gently apply pressure. She leans into my touch before quickly pulling back and narrowing her eyes at me.
“Who I get cozy with,” she uses finger quotes on the word cozy, “is none of your damn business.”
“Hmm, I think it is.” I slide my other hand up her thigh and under her dress. “So, you really haven’t been with anyone since me?”
“No.” Her breath hitches as she lets out a small whimper.
“I like knowing I’m the only one who’s ever touched you like this.” I slip my hand into her panties, slide two fingers into her wet slit, and circle her clit, eliciting a whimper from her. She throws her head back against the wall and instinctively spreads her legs allowing me better access to that sensitive bundle of nerves. She lets out a soft moan before her eyes fly open and she gasps. A blush creeps up her next and across her face and she makes a feeble attempt at pushing me away. “Come on, Red. It’s not anything we haven’t done before.” Right now I want nothing more than to drag her down this hallway to my room, and throw her on the bed so I can rip this dress off and?—
She slaps my face without warning causing me to take a step back. I can see the anger rising in her eyes as she shoves me off her completely. “You’ve had way too much to drink and I’m not in the mood for this shit.” She rushes past me into her room and slams the door. What the hell did I just do?
The effects of the alcohol wear off rather quickly when I realize what I’ve done. I lean my forehead against the wall and take a couple of deep breaths. What the hell did I just do? I need to get my feelings in check because that cannot happen again. I push myself off the wall and start towards her room to apologize. I change my mind before I can even knock on the door. I need to do this when I’m sober. She deserves better than a drunken apology.
I wake up to a blinding headache and an immense amount of regret. I am such an asshole. I need to head downstairs and try to smooth things over with Marissa before Grace wakes up.
I walk into the kitchen and see Marissa sitting at the table drinking coffee. “Hey,” I say cheerfully, walking over to the coffee pot to fix myself a cup.
“Hey,” she says without even looking at me.
“About last night, I wanted to apologize for my behavior. I should have nev?—”
“It’s fine. I’ve already forgotten it happened.” She waves me off.
I’m not sure how to feel about that statement. She should be angry, but she’s already forgotten about it? Do I really have so little effect on her? I really need to change the subject, so I don’t overthink this too much. “Okay, so tell me something about you?” I lean against the table and take a sip of my coffee.
“What do you mean?” She cocks her head to the side.
“Well, I realized the other day when you mentioned working two jobs that I don’t know anything about your life now, not even what you do for a living.” I have a strange desire to know every single detail about her life. I shouldn’t care this much.
“Oh, I am a volunteer coordinator for Whispers of Mercy. It’s a non-profit organization that helps pregnant teens and teen mothers who don’t have the support of their families and have nowhere to go. I also work as a receptionist for a doctor’s office.”
“That actually reminds me.” Placing my coffee cup down, I continue. “Did things ever get better with your mom?” I hope they did. I would hate for Grace not to have a relationship with her grandmother.
“What? How did you know things were ever not good with my mom?” She looks at me, confused.
“I read the letters you wrote in the scrap books.” I offer her a crooked smile as I lean against the counter.
Her face turns a lovely shade of crimson that matches her hair. “Oh, no! I meant to take those out, but I completely forgot.” She scrubs her hand down her face. “But yeah, after my dad died, we started talking more. Things aren’t great, but she’s part of our lives now.”
“That’s good. I’m glad she came around, and I’m glad you left the letters. I enjoyed reading them. This one is my favorite, and you’re not getting it back.” I pull a picture of Grace out of my wallet. It was only taken a couple of years ago. She is standing next to the computer she built wearing a Bellevue Middle School shirt with a green bow in her hair and she appears to be in some sort of classroom. I flip it over and show her the back.
Dear Adam,
Well, she’s definitely your child. God help us all.
Love Always,
Isa
She bursts into a fit of laughter and hides her face. “Why am I not surprised that one is your favorite?”
“I wish I could have been there to help her with it,” I sigh. I refuse to miss any more of these moments.
“Me too. It was a pain in the ass for me, the queen of breaking computers, to help her build one.” She picks up an apple from the basket on the counter and starts tossing it from hand to hand. “Anything else you want to know?”
“Yes. Were you really a student at EVU?” I need to know that was a lie, and I wasn’t just terrible at trying to find her.
“Umm, well.” She looks anywhere but at me and then covers her face with one hand and peeks through her fingers. It’s absolutely adorable. “No, I did an online program at community college.”
“Well, that explains it.” I wince at the realization that I just said that out loud.
“What do you mean that explains it? Explains what?” She taps her fingers on the table.
“When you left, I hacked into the student database, searched for your name, and went through every single student ID photo. I also spent hours watching the CCTV, hoping you would show up.” My stomach growls so I set my cup down and start looking through the cabinets for something to make for breakfast. “I wasn’t sure if it was my skills that were lacking or if you were just never there.” I turn back to see her staring at me with her mouth agape. “My hacking skills have always been great, so I knew I wasn’t the problem.” I laugh when she rolls her eyes at my comment.
“What about you? Did you really go to MIT?”
“I’m surprised you remember.”
“I remember every detail you ever told me,” she mumbles under her breath.
“Oh really?” The look on her face, followed by the blush creeping up her neck, tells me I wasn’t supposed to hear that. Either way, it definitely has me feeling something—though I’m not sure what the feeling is. Or maybe I do, and I’m just ignoring it. “Yes, I really went to MIT. The only thing I lied to you about was my name.” I should have given her my real name but I couldn’t risk it. I can’t help but wonder if it would have even mattered. “You didn’t tell me anything real about yourself. Did you even truly love me?”.
“I told you real things about me— just none of the big stuff. You know stranger danger and whatnot.” She scrunches her nose. “Anyway, why does it matter at this point? It’s not like it’s going to change anything.” She tosses the apple back in the basket and gets up to refill her coffee.
“No.” I reach out and grab her arm causing her to look at me. Instinctually, I lean closer to her. “But I would like to know whether your feelings were real or if you were just playing me the whole time.”
“I could ask you the same thing.” She shrugs out of my hold.
“Like I said, the only thing I lied to you about was my name.” I put my cup in the sink and lean back on the counter.
She lets out a long, exasperated sigh. “Yes, my feelings were real. When it comes to my feelings, I meant everything I ever said. You were supposed to be it for me, but Grace happened, and you didn’t get to matter anymore. Too bad my heart never got that memo…” She starts to say something else but stops herself.
“What if you had never gotten pregnant?” I know that’s a shitty thing for me to ask, but I need to know.
Instead of going back to her seat she stops, standing right in front of me. “Who knows? I stopped thinking about the what-ifs years ago.” Marissa looks up at me and smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “This is our reality now, and we need to figure out how to move forward.”
“I understand why you did what you did. Hell, if I had known you were pregnant, I would have told you to leave me and never look back. That doesn’t make it any easier. When you left that day, I didn’t just lose you. You took my whole heart with you. You shredded every ounce of trust I had left. You broke me. I don’t believe I am capable of ever loving anyone again, especially you, but dammit, when I look at you, I feel something . I don’t know what to do with that. To be honest, it scares me because I don’t think my heart can take losing you a second time.”
“You know, I never really stopped loving you.” She hangs her head and lets out a sigh before her brown eyes finally meet mine. She gives me a sad smile. “That’s the reason I haven’t been with anyone else. At first, I couldn’t even look at another man without feeling like I was betraying you. Then, I had Gracie as a constant reminder of the one who stole my heart and never gave it back. Being here is hell because it’s a glimpse of what could have been.”
Before I can stop myself, I reach out and take her coffee from her, sitting it down on the counter before pulling her into a hug. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and rest my chin on the top of her head. She practically just admitted to still loving me, and I told her I couldn’t love her, but here I am holding her again. I know I’m giving mixed signals, and I need to stop, but having her in my arms just feels so damn right.
“Good morning!” Grace yells as she barges into the room, making us jump away from each other.