Chapter Twenty-Six
ELLIE
17 years earlier
Despite being born four and a half weeks early, I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and I gave him a name that we both loved. Whenever we had discussions about our future and kids, we talked about naming a future son Dylan and it fit him so perfectly; our baby even has the same sparkling green eyes that I fell in love with. I did list Lee as the father on his birth certificate but after a lot of thought – and discussions with Dad – we decided it was best to give him my last name.
We arrived home when Dylan was just five days old, so small and frail. I hadn’t had time to set anything up in my room yet so while I was at the hospital, Dad, Mallorie and Amy unpacked and put everything together as a surprise. Even Steff came out to see us when we came home. I hadn’t seen her in so long and just like the Steff I knew and loved, she hugged me and listened as I cried and told her all about what happened after I left.
I went through all the phases of emotions during the first few months of Dylan’s life. I don’t think I was properly able to grieve and get through the finality that Lee’s death brought because I was fighting through loving this little life we created and hating my life without him.
During one of the many sleepless nights where I struggled to keep it together, I went through my memory box and pulled out the unopened letters from the months after our summer together. They were eye openers to the truth behind the twisted lie that brought my world down.
Who lies about being pregnant just to keep a guy?
That thought brought on the anger – so much anger toward Maggie and toward myself – and regret. I was angry that I if I had only stopped to think this through, if I had given him just two minutes to tell me, if I had stayed that last night with him, or even if I had answered the phone when he called, then maybe things would have come out differently and he would be here with his little boy today.
His letters brought tears as I read his beautiful words; they were reminders of his love and I held them in my hands, smoothing out the wrinkles in the paper so that I could save them forever.
I put a picture of Lee in a simple white frame on top of the table next to Dylan’s crib so that he could always know who his daddy was and so I could always say goodnight to both of them, together.
* * *
Dad talked to Mrs. Combs and told her all about Dylan when we had had a chance to settle in. She was shocked, sad, and happy all in one ten minute phone call. They made plans to fly out and visit us as soon as they were able to and when he was ten weeks old, Dylan met his second set of grandparents. They loved and doted on him like he was the best thing in the world, and they decided they were going to visit every six months, starting with his six-month birthday.
“That’s not nearly often enough!”
Mrs. Combs exclaimed while Dylan opened his mouth and yawned.
“Thank you for this precious gift, Ellie.”
She looked at me over the tiny version of Lee that was nestled in her arms.
“He would have loved this little guy so much, and I wish he had the chance to meet him, but I’m so very thankful that we have this piece of him to carry on with us.”
She started to cry, and I kneeled next to her chair, hugging her arm, “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Combs, I’m sorry.” I sobbed.
“Oh darling, you don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
She said, leaning her head down to touch mine.
“But I do! If only I had talked to him, if I had told him I was pregnant…”
she cut me off and said to me sternly, “Now, you stop that. Don’t you go blaming yourself, Ellie. This is no one’s fault but those men that he got himself messed up with. Blaming yourself will lead you down a vicious downward spiral and you have this amazing little man right here that needs you to be strong for him. He is going to love you unconditionally and he will need all of you, not just the broken pieces of you, while he’s growing up. Do you hear me?”
“Yes ma’am,”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand.
“I hear you.”
“We will help you along the way and we will be here anytime you need us, but you are his mama and Lee loved you very much. He told me often that you are the one he wanted to raise his future children with and here you are, living that out. I have no doubt that you will raise this boy into a kind and selfless human being.”
She hugged me with one arm and the movement woke Dylan from his nap. I took him as he started to fuss so I could feed him but heard a hushed conversation as I walked away and I sat on the stairs, feeding my baby while I listened to them talk.
“She has been incredibly grief stricken the last few months and I didn’t know how to help her. But I think this visit with the both of you has really pulled her out of the dark, so thank you.” Dad said.
“This is an impossible situation.”
Mr. Combs responded, “I couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through right now. Trying to navigate the ins and outs of a newborn and struggling with the loss of a big love.”
“Here’s the thing though,”
Dad’s confused voice came a little quieter.
“I had no idea this thing with her and Lee was so serious. I mean I knew they had something, but I only saw the long-distance paper trail; I never saw them together. I was in the dark on it until she came home completely broken.”
It’s true, I never really told him too much over the years. It's not really something you talk about with your dad as a teenage girl.
“Oh, if only you could have seen them together this past summer.”
Mrs. Combs was smiling through her words, I could tell.
“Those two were like magic; you could literally see the sparks fly when they looked at each other, when they talked about each other, when they were anywhere near each other.”
“We had the pleasure of having Ellie over for dinner several times during her visit and she just made our family complete. I think I knew before he did that, he was going to ask her to marry him one day.”
Mr. Combs told Dad.
“He was going to propose?”
Dad asked, shocked.
“He was planning on coming out here before he died.”
There was a short silence, and I could hear heavy breathing before the next part came.
“He knew he was in trouble. He took his plane ticket, all his cash and a diamond ring with him to hide out in the woods that night. He was supposed to wait until the morning until he could get to the airport for his flight. From there, he was planning on finding you all and asking for her hand and he was supposed to call us as soon as he was here.”
Mr. Combs finished with a deep sigh that sent chills up my neck.
Lee was on his way here. He was going to propose to me?
I tried to stop myself from crying and I looked down at my baby boy who was fast asleep and completely milk drunk, and I laughed. I laughed and I hiccupped, and I laughed so hard that these three amazing adults came running over to the stairs thinking something was wrong, only to find me hysterical.
This was the moment when I decided that I needed to grow up, pull myself together and be the best mother I could possibly be.
* * *
I walked across the stage with the rest of my senior class in June and closed the chapter on my childhood. I got a job, and I lived at home, saving up my money until Dylan and I could afford a house of our own and I worked on building a life that was only half of what Lee and I dreamed of.