Chapter 19
Becky found a vending machine on the fourth floor of the hospital, filled with sandwiches and tiny containers of yogurt. She cursed under her breath and flagged down a passing doctor.
“Excuse me, isn’t there any junk food in this place?”
He smiled, his eyes dipping lower in an appreciative appraisal. “What, like candy?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “Chocolaty, peanut buttery goodness, maybe some potato chips and giant bottles of Mountain Dew?”
“Not in the vending machines.” He stepped closer and raised one eyebrow. “But I have a secret stash in my office I’d be willing to share.”
He’s hitting on me.
Wow, she hadn’t seen that one coming. His nametag said Dr. Magrite and his empty ring finger screamed available, but he wasn’t on her radar. More precisely, her radar wasn’t even on. “Oh, I…”
He smiled, perfectly aligned pearly whites twinkling under the fluorescents.
“I’m with someone,” she stammered.
“Lucky guy.” He winked. “The gift shop carries some contraband. They open at nine.”
“Thanks.”
It was a little after four in the morning, so Becky wandered the halls after that with no certain destination.
She wasn’t ready to return to Gianni’s bedside and the uncomfortable vigil she’d been keeping with Tamra.
He was doing fine now that he had the proper care, and the police interviewed him shortly after their arrival.
Tamra hadn’t shared the outcome of that meeting with Becky, and Becky sure as hell wasn’t about to inquire.
Was Tamra always so cold? She wondered what Rowan had ever seen in the woman. Then it hit her.
Duh.
Tamra was beautiful in a way Becky could only dream of being. A man would have to be dead not to want to sleep with that.
Becky walked through the lobby all the way past the cafeteria, then up a flight of stairs and back again.
She thought about the doctor who should have seemed sexy and hadn’t, she thought about pretty girls with curls, and she thought about her newfound desire to settle down with one man and have a child of her own.
No, not one man. With Rowan.
Becky headed back toward Gianni’s room, one of many that came out from the nurse’s station in a spoke-like pattern. She came up short when she looked through the doorway and saw Rowan and Tamra standing together in a loose embrace, talking quietly.
Intimately, even.
Becky took a step backward, right into the path of a nurse carrying a tray of metal instruments that went flying across the floor.
“I’m sorry,” Becky said, crouching to help the other woman collect the scattered pieces.
She was keenly aware of the open doorway and her own visibility, her cheeks heating in embarrassment.
Rowan’s voice was amused. “There you are.” He crouched down beside her and helped to gather the tools. “Where’ve you been?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Around.”
“Around?”
“I was looking for a snack, but the cafeteria’s closed and all the vending machines are stocked with health food.”
He stood and offered his hand, which she accepted. “Walk with me?” he asked.
She considered telling him she’d been walking for the better part of two hours, but she didn’t. “Okay.”
“Enzo’s going to be all right. They took him over to Mass General but he’s stable and expected to make a full recovery.”
“That’s good.”
“How’s Tamra been?”
“Worried. She’s afraid they’re going to put Gianni in jail.”
“Not if I can help it.”
“Did he really help Leonardo steal paintings?”
“He helped him sell them, yes.”
“Then how…”
“He was working with me.”
She squinted. “But I thought…”
Rowan stopped walking and met her eyes. “He was working with me. I forgot to notify my supervisor that I needed Gianni’s help on a few things.”
“Ah.” She smiled. This was a good man she was in love with. A very good man.
He nodded. “I have to go to Washington for my debriefing.”
“When?”
“Now.” He rubbed his hands through his hair. “I have to get some sleep first, but they want me there as soon as possible.”
“To explain about Gianni?”
“And other things, yes.”
“How long are you going to be there?”
“I’m not sure. Just a few days, I hope.”
“Can I do anything for you?”
He threaded his fingers with hers. “Come back to the hotel with me. Sleep next to me before I have to go.”
She nodded, a knot forming in her throat. “I’d like that.”
Becky and Rowan made frenzied love in the night without conversation, each afraid that words might separate them, and desperate to be together.
Nothing she could say would fix what was wrong between them, nothing he might answer could assuage her deeply set doubts. Still, she clung to him like the mast of a sinking ship, bracing herself for whatever might lie ahead.
The blazing morning sunlight slipped between the curtains and fell across her face, demanding that she face reality.
Ugh.
Rowan snuggled close to her side and she shriveled from his touch. “Don’t.” She sat up in bed, the darkened hotel room coming into focus around her.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” It was a lie, and she knew it. A lie she’d been telling herself for days now so she could justify what was happening between them.
He rolled over and stood up.
“Rowan?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m not okay.”
He sat back down on the bed. “What’s wrong?”
“When we were at the cabin, you were having a bad dream. I walked in, and you called out Tamra’s name.”
“Honey, the only dream I remember having at the cabin was about you.”
“That may be. But I heard you.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“Rowan, are you still in love with Tamra?”
He touched her arm, turning her around to face him. “I was never in love with Tamra. Not ever. Do you understand?”
“You were holding her in the hospital.”
He sighed and rolled his eyes. “She was apologizing for all the crap she pulled. For nearly ruining my life.”
“You didn’t seem too upset with her.”
“Well, I’m not, okay?” He stood and pulled on his pants. “Now that I know about Gianni and everything Enzo did, I think she was as much a victim as I was.”
“Really?” Rowan had lied to her so many times, she just couldn’t be sure he was being honest now, and that just about killed her.
No matter his marriage, or his job, or their current situation, it was her simple lack of faith in him that was destined to tear them apart, and Becky was beginning to think it could never be restored.
“Yes, really.” He sat next to her. “I want to see them settle down together with the baby. To have a chance to be a family. I want that for them, and I want it for Anthony.” He lifted her chin and she pulled away.
He dug the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. “I have to get in the shower. My flight’s in two hours.”
“Have a good trip.”
He took a step, then turned back. “Aren’t you going to be here when I get out?” he asked.
She shook her head, careful to keep her voice even. “I’m going to head home. It’s been a long couple of days.”
“I see. Well, have a good trip.”
“Yep. You, too.”
The drive home only took Becky twenty minutes, which seemed ridiculous. Like she’d been ripped out of Kansas by a twister, followed the yellow brick road for days, and got back to her own bed in seconds, with the mere click of her heels.
Snow fell heavily from the sky as she pulled into the driveway of her old Craftsman bungalow.
She was surprised to see Colin’s Jeep parked in her regular spot, having figured he and Gwen would be long gone by now.
Her plan for the day went from “sit in a dark room and cry” to “entertain company,” and she sighed heavily as she threw the car into park and turned the key in the ignition.
She would not tell them what had happened. It was between her and Rowan, not his brother and Gwen. Becky was a grown-up, and it wouldn’t be right to share her own heartache, no matter how much she wanted to unburden herself.
Gwen sat at the kitchen table, her feet propped up on a second chair. “You’re home!” She put down the sandwich in her hand and stood, wrapping Becky in a tight squeeze and kissing her hair.
Becky clung to her. Gwen smelled like cookies and peanut butter, like safety and love. Tears bit at Becky’s eyes.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
The floodgates opened and Becky began to sob openly.
“Is Rowan okay? Anthony?”
Becky nodded. “They’re fine.”
“Oh, thank God. Tamra?”
“She’s okay, too.”
Becky pulled back and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hands. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to do this.”
“Do what, dear?”
“Lose my shit in front of you.”
“Come. Sit down.” Gwen put her arm around Becky’s shoulder and ushered her to a chair at the table. “Tell me what happened.”
Becky took in the mountains of food on Gwen’s plate, but realized she wasn’t even hungry. She let her head drop to her chest. “I’m an idiot.”
Gwen handed her a tissue. “Go on.”
“You’re supposed to say, ‘I’m sure you’re not an idiot.’”
“That remains to be seen. Is this about Rowan?”
Becky nodded as she frowned.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes. But I think he still has feelings for her.”
“For whom?”
“Tamra, his wife.”
Gwen put her feet back up on the chair. “And why do you think that?”
Becky told her about Rowan’s dream at the cabin. “He called out her name.”
Gwen picked up her egg salad sandwich and took a leisurely bite. “Do you have any green olives? I didn’t see any in the refrigerator.”
“Olives?”
“Green ones. I only found black. Frankly, I don’t like the black ones. They taste like motor oil smells.”
“I don’t like the green ones.” Becky watched Gwen take another bite. “Did you hear what I said?”
“About Rowan calling Tamra’s name during a dream? Yes. I heard.”
“And?”
“You know, since I’ve been pregnant, my dreams have been outrageous. Last week I was the captain on a containership bound for Newfoundland. Just this morning, I was making love to Colin in the middle of a shopping mall, only it didn’t look like Colin, but I know it was him.”
“Who did it look like?”
Gwen leaned forward. “A black bear. I was afraid he’d tear me to shreds when he was through with me!” She chuckled.
“This was different.”
“How so?”
“You don’t dream about a woman you supposedly hate, who you used to have sex with.”
“Oh, no? You’ve never dreamed of an old lover?”
Becky rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay. I guess.”
“Then how is this any different? I realize it hurt your feelings, but you should know better than to believe it means anything at all about their relationship. Do you have any more pickles?”
It couldn’t be that simple. She’d been wrecked. Devastated. “There’s a whole jar in the door of the fridge.”
“I finished those yesterday.”
“Oh.” Becky furrowed her brow as she stood and opened the pantry. Was it possible Gwen was right, and she was completely upset over something that didn’t mean anything at all? She found the jar and placed it in front of her friend.
“Thank you, dear.”
“I saw them hugging.”
“Rowan and Tamra?”
Becky nodded.
“When?”
“In the hospital.”
“Were they fully clothed?”
Becky scowled. “Yes.”
“Was there any passionate necking?”
“Stop it.”
“Heavy petting?”
“Gwen!”
“Did you ask Rowan about it?”
She nodded. “He said she was apologizing for everything.”
Gwen piled pickle slices onto her egg salad. “That sounds completely implausible. Clearly the man is screwing his soon-to-be ex-wife behind your back.”
“Stop!” Becky could see what Gwen was doing, and she didn’t appreciate the other woman trivializing her feelings.
“No. I will not allow some jackass, untrustworthy loser to hurt one of my dearest friends in the world.”
Colin walked into the room and opened the refrigerator. “What did my brother do now?”
Becky covered her eyes with her hand. “Nothing. Forget it.”
Gwen picked up her now comically tall sandwich. “Apparently, he fell in love with our dear Becky and then had a dream about another woman.”
“I think he fell in love with me after the dream.”
“Well,” said Gwen through her egg salad, “that’s even worse!” She turned back to Colin. “He had a dream about another woman and then fell in love with poor sweet Becky. You can see why she’s upset.”
Colin looked at the Diet Pepsi in his hand and turned back to the fridge, grabbing a beer instead. “I’m going to watch the game. You feeling any better?” he asked Gwen, bending to kiss her head.
“I am. I think I was just hungry.”
“Good.” Colin walked out of the kitchen.
Becky raised concerned eyes to her smart-ass friend. “Were you sick?”
“A bit.” She winked. “Just for the past few months or so.”
“Seriously, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I didn’t think my body was up for the car trip home today, especially with this weather. Now are you okay?”
Becky thought about that for a moment. Here, in her kitchen, far away from Rowan, everything seemed clearer than it had been just hours before. “Yeah. I’m feeling pretty stupid, though.”
“Idiot.”
“What?”
“You were waiting for my determination on whether or not you are an idiot. I’d have to give a resounding affirmative.”
Becky chuckled. “Thanks, Gwen.”
“Anytime, my dear. Anytime.”