CHAPTER THREE #2
I take a seat at the other end of the sofa, losing myself in the grand space of this room.
Calla and Ash have the most beautiful beach house with a lot of white furniture and accessories.
How they keep it so clean with a child around, I do not know.
But then, Calla is a clean freak. She’s so much like Scott in that respect.
“Would you like some tea?” Calla asks.
“No. No more tea, thank you. The last lot is still sloshing around in my stomach.” I don’t know how I'm going to keep any food down, but ultimately, that’s what I'm here for. She wants to see me eat and I have to try.
“Do you want a blanket or anything? The TV on?”
“Stop fussing, you old nag.”
She laughs. “Ahh, so my old friend is in there somewhere.”
“Auntie Angie,” Zoe squeals, bounding into the room and landing on my lap.
I hug her close. “Hello, darling.”
Zoe snuggles into me. “I'm giving you extra cuddles for Uncle Scott in heaven.”
My chest suddenly aches. This little girl was the apple of her uncle’s eye. We usually come as a pair, but does she fully understand why he isn’t here anymore? Scott loves her so much. Damn it. Loved. He loved her so much. Shit.
A voice from behind knocks me from my thoughts. “Angie?”
I glance over my shoulder with mixed feelings. It’s good to see him, but perhaps not right now. “Hi Tommy,” I say while he walks by me towards his friend.
“Hey Ash,” he grasps his friend’s raised hand. “You good?”
“I’m still here.” Ash laughs as my stomach turns and aches with the loss.
Tommy’s mouth drops open and Ash must realise what he’s said.
“Angie, I wasn’t thinking—”
I hold up my hand and focus on the little girl sitting on my knees. “It’s okay. I know.” Of course it was a mistake, but it doesn’t stop my throat from hurting while I try not to cry.
“Are you okay, Angie?” Tommy asks. Can he tell I’m about to break?
Turning around in my seat to face him, I want to say I’m utterly lost; my heart is in pieces and I’m not sure I can live another day without him, but I don’t. People don’t want to hear my doom and gloom. “Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” I say, then roll my lips together.
He gives me the side-eye. He knows that’s a lie.
“Anyway, that’s enough of that. Where have you been hiding?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
Tommy walks around the back of the sofa, dropping onto the seat next to me. “I was out with this little lady,” he says, taking Zoe from my lap.
“We made sandcastles.” Zoe giggles.
Again, I lose myself in memories of Scott spending hours on the beach with Zoe, making whole sandcastle villages, collecting shells, and writing their names in the sand.
“I could do with a hand in the kitchen, Tommy,” Calla calls.
“Yep, I’m on it.” Tommy is about to lift Zoe from his knee when I reach for his arm.
“It’s okay,” I reassure him. “I can do it. I want to help.”
Calla has me peeling and slicing carrots, probably because there’s no thinking involved. The problem is, the whole thing comes back on itself, giving me too much time to think… which I do… about my husband.
Whenever Calla and Ash were in the country, we’d make a Sunday roast together. Scott made jokes and teased his sister while throwing Zoe around the kitchen. Her giggles made him giggle. I loved that sound.
At some point, Ash and Scott would help by either peeling vegetables or basting the chicken, but it never lasted long and they’d end up having a beer and watching the footy on TV.
Eventually, he would find me. He always made sure I was okay before anyone else.
His hand would slide around my waist and reach for my hip.
His lips found their way to my neck as the warmth of his breath tickled my skin, causing me to blush.
Given that chance again, I wouldn’t get embarrassed as I used to. I wouldn’t care who was watching.
“How did I end up with such a beautiful wife?” he whispered. “Maybe we could forget this lot and get you home so I can get you out of that dress.”
“Down boy. Later.”
“Angie?”
Looking over my shoulder, I find Tommy by the fridge, grabbing two bottles of beer, but Calla has disappeared. “Hey.”
He puts the bottles down on the counter and his hands into his pockets. “You looked a little lost for a minute.”
“Ignore me when that happens,” I say while massaging the back of my neck. My body aches with pent-up emotion.
Silence fills the air, but I can see it in his face. He wants to say something but is holding back. “What is it?” I ask.
He breathes in and takes a step forward. “Look, I’m not the first person you’d think of when you want to talk, but if you need anything or someone other than family, just call me. Okay?”
I absorb his words and I’m thankful for his offer. “Thanks. That’s sweet of you.”
His lips press together into a smile and he’s about to turn around and walk away, but I don’t want to be alone.
“Actually, while you’re here, there is something you could do.”
“Name it,” he says with relief.
“Talk to me about anything.”
“Anything?” Tommy asks, folding his arms.
“Yes. Why don’t you tell me what it’s like to live in New York?”
He raises his brow. “I thought you’d been there before. Yeah, you have. You and Scott saw us play last year—” He stops mid-sentence. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to—”
“I asked you to talk about anything, and you did. If Scott was there, don’t ignore it.
Never forget him, Tommy, please.” I smile to myself at the memory of Scott singing his heart out.
“He loved Koolum Law and every song you ever wrote. He was so proud to know you guys and of everything the band achieved. Your concert at Madison Square Garden was one of the best nights of our lives.”
He bites his bottom lip and nods. “Yeah. It was an awesome night.”
“And we loved the city,” I say absentmindedly.
“Then you should go back and visit sometime.”
“Maybe I will one day.” My attempt at a smile isn’t very convincing. “So,” I sigh, “have you decided when you’re going home?”
“You sick of me already?” He grins.
“I didn’t mean that.” I half smile. “I meant you must be missing your girlfriend.”
“Not really.”
“No?” Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised. I didn’t get a good feeling when I met her at the wedding.
“It’s complicated.” His mouth twists to the side.
“I’ve got to go back for a meeting in a few days, but it’s a flying visit.
” An awkward second passes before he moves away from the subject of Chelsea.
“Anyway, me and the boys decided we need to be here for Ash for as long as he needs us. We don’t want to leave Calla on her own when she could use our help. And then… well, there’s you.”
“Me?” My throat tightens as tears threaten to form again. I wish I could control this need to cry all the time. I’m sure it makes people uncomfortable.
“Are you okay?” His arm drapes around my shoulders.
“Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” I try to sound upbeat, but my emotions don’t cooperate as tears fall uncontrollably.
“Hey, come on. It’s okay.” He hugs me close.
“I'm sorry, Tommy. I was trying so hard not to do this.”
“Jesus, Angie. It’s understandable.”
I force a tight-lipped smile. “You’re a good guy. Thank you.”
For a few silence-filled moments, I let his words settle. His support means the world to me, but it’s difficult to make anyone understand how deep this pain penetrates.
“I know this isn’t easy for you and I’m aware of the strain I’m putting on my friends.
Calla is running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to look after everyone, yet she needs time to grieve too.
There’s nothing I want more than to give her time to cope and absorb what’s happened.
I want to help her take care of Ash and have time to rest, especially with two babies on the way and Zoe to occupy.
With everything inside me, I wish I could help with all of that, but. .. but I can’t. I can’t do it, Tommy.”
He pulls back, gripping my shoulders. “Nobody expects anything from you, Angie. Me and the boys are here to help with whatever you, Calla, or Ash need.”
“And I appreciate what you’re saying, but that’s my problem. I want you to help Ash and Calla. They need you, but I don’t need anything or anyone other than Scott and nobody can bring him back.” Then I whisper, “I don't know how to be here without him.”
Tommy hugs me close to his chest and I hear his heart beating so fast. I guess he doesn’t know what to say.
“I’ve shocked you.”
He takes a second before he replies. “I’m worried about you, yeah. We're all worried about you.”
I hug Tommy close. “This is the way I feel, Tommy. I can’t lie about it.”
There’s no one else I can talk to about this and I include Calla and Ash when I say that. Our worlds are so closely woven together; it would hurt them too much. Tommy is separate and not so emotionally involved. Why not get this out of my system and confide in him?
On a whispered, shaky breath, I spill the question in my head. “What is the point of going on without him, Tom? What is the point?”
He steps away, grabs a kitchen stool, then with his hands back on my shoulders, he guides me to sit down. Tommy crouches in front of me and searches my eyes. “Listen to me. You have so much to live for and I think, deep down, you know this.”
“You mean our—.” My words get stuck in my throat with each sob. I wish I could stop crying, but I can’t. His thumb attempts to brush away my tears, but they’re falling too quickly.
I swallow hard and run the palm of my hand over my stomach. “I talk to our baby, you know, and I try to be positive, but when I think about how things are going to be, I feel crushed. Being a single parent was not part of the plan; we were doing this together.”
“And you still can,” Tommy says, bringing my focus back to him, but then I close my eyes and shake my head.
“How? I don’t understand.” Is he being ridiculous or hopeful?
“Don’t you see how lucky you are?”
“Of course I do. Our baby is the only piece of him I have left. This is his last gift to me, but it doesn’t stop this fear I have of doing this alone.”
His fingers lift my chin slightly. “You are the most fearless and resourceful person I know. You can still bring this baby up just the way you and Scott wanted. You can do everything you set out to do for your son or daughter. Few people get to keep such a precious part of someone they love. You need to take care of this little one. Your baby is going to save you, Angie.”
My tears are uncontrollable, but Tommy doesn’t give up on me for a second.
“It’s okay to cry. Losing Scott is still raw, but you can do it. I know you can, and you have us, remember? Just take a step back and take your time. Just give yourself time.”
I’m so grateful for his beautiful words, his patience, and his kindness. I hope I can make it, for the sake of our baby. I hope there is a time when the pain stops, but for now, I can’t ever imagine moving forward.