Chapter 23
I turn my phone off. Hayden ignores his.
While the buzzing stops and I don’t see the speculation and fights in the comments, I know it’s all happening and I know Hayden’s fully aware of it, too. Before we take off to return to LA, he confirms people are still talking about it. He confirms that Cade is still fueling the fire, leaving cryptic comment responses on posts, liking posts tagged with #TheOutThereIsOverParty, asserting to his haters that people would change their minds if they knew what I was really like.
As always, Cade chooses the right weapons to fight with.
The flight back to LA is actually kind of nice because neither of us can focus on the comments and spiral going on online. For a few hours, it’s like it’s not even happening. The plane lands and Hayden reaches for my hand. Our fingers weave together and he keeps me close as we wait for our bags, as wandering eyes catch us with a sense of vague familiarity around the airport. We’re not A-listers by any means, but we do get recognized in a “is that that person from the internet?” kind of way. None of it makes Hayden pull away.
Nothing I’ve said or done can make him back away from what we’ve built together. So why do I want to run so badly?
He does what he can to cheer me up, buys me a coffee from the Dunkin’ in the airport because that might be the way to his heart, puts on a particularly ridiculous podcast episode about the fact or fiction on certain internet Creepypastas in the car and feigns rolling his eyes to engage with me.
When we arrive back at Hayden’s apartment, Cthulhu comes bounding toward him at the door, flopping over and demanding belly rubs and treats.
“Hello, Mr. Chunks,” he coos at Cthulhu. “I know, you want snacks.”
Cthulhu trots behind Hayden as he opens the treat jar and nibbles at them for a few seconds before turning and giving me a wary slow blink.
“Slow blinks mean trust,” Hayden whispers.
“He looks like he’s going to eat me.” I set my bag down on the couch as Cthulhu waddles over to me and rubs his head against my leggings. Cthulhu and I have a tenuous relationship. He doesn’t attack me, per se, but he will nudge me out of the way to snuggle with Hayden to prove that he is his human, not mine.
“See?” Hayden says.
I bend down and rub the back of the cat’s head, and for the first time since I’ve known him, he purrs. Much like the rest of Hayden’s apartment, this has become a home. I spend most nights here, have a half a drawer in his dresser for pajamas, a toothbrush, and a spare change of clothes for when I do stay over. I live on Hayden’s couch with my laptop, amongst a sea of his weird conspiracy and cryptid books. When I stepped in just now, it felt like falling into the world’s softest bed.
“Do you want to hang out for a bit? We can order takeout and take it easy before hitting the ground running on the finale tomorrow.” He’s already riffling through menus in one of his kitchen drawers, but I feel like I’m walking on thin ice again and I’m about to shatter. “What’s up?”
“I just…Maybe it’s not such a good idea for me to be in the finale.”
I’ve been dreading saying the words, but I keep thinking it’s what’s best for both of us. There’ll be no victory of beating Cade like I want, there’ll be no hunting for aliens in the middle of the desert with my favorite person. But if I know Cade, as long as he has a platform, and as long as he has Skroll backing him, he’s not going to stop making my life a living hell.
For years, I gave in because it was easier, and I hate that I’m going to do it again, but I don’t know what other choices I have. I don’t feel brave enough to choose anything else.
“Why wouldn’t you…Hallie, that’s like saying ‘what if we made The X-Files but there’s no Scully.’?” He crosses his arms in front of his chest. “And to be fair, they did have episodes like that, and they are not favorites of mine.”
“I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I think with all this stuff going on, with all the hate and attention, maybe it’s better if you do the finale alone. The more I poke the bear, the worse it’s going to get, and it could jeopardize your chances of getting a season two. I’m supposed to be the one pulling the strings to make the magic happen, not be the reason you fail.”
Hayden thinks over what I’m saying and his Adam’s apple bobs, jaw tightening. “You do realize that this show wouldn’t exist if you hadn’t stepped in to co-host. We wouldn’t have even gotten a full season if it was just me and you know it. Trust me, I know it.”
“That was then and this is now. Circumstances change. Hayden, there are a shitload of our viewers who think I’m using you for attention, that I don’t really care about you or the show.”
“Well, if they take the word of some asshole on a podcast so easily, I don’t want them. We’re better off without them.”
The bad part is that in the Skroll competition we’ve chosen as our battleground, numbers do matter. We stand in silence, arms folded across from each other in the kitchen and no sounds but the hum of the refrigerator and Cthulhu chasing a piece of kibble around in the living room.
“This is exactly what he wants,” Hayden finally says. “You realize that? He wants you to back away because he’s threatened by how great you are and he knows he doesn’t stand a chance on his own. And if you walk away from the last episode, we’re handing him a victory, because on my own, I am nowhere near what I am with you to bounce off. And I don’t want to do this without you, so please don’t make me.”
I struggle to swallow my tears, and I am so goddamn tired of crying. “I’m scared. That’s why I want to back away. Cade’s going to do whatever he can to make sure everyone in the world sees me the way he does. Our fans…you…”
His eyes flicker up to mine and he shakes his head. “I could never.”
“I might seem brave. I’m not jumping at every breeze in a haunted hotel room like you…” Hayden frowns to himself. “Or worrying about getting eaten by Bigfoot, but I’m not really brave. I let someone push me around and belittle me for years because I was too scared to leave and risk the consequences.”
“But you did…”
“And I’m still paying for it. I know what it takes to stand up for myself like this, and Hayden, I just don’t know if I have that right now. I’m trying my damn best to heal, and you have no idea how much you’ve helped with that, but I don’t know the best way to do that right now. So, I’m sorry to disappoint, but this has all been a lot and I need time.”
Hayden watches me for a second before scrubbing his hands over his face and sighing. I sniffle my tears away with the bottom of my sleeve and reach for my duffel bag again. As my hand curls around the doorknob, he speaks up.
“Hallie, before you go, can I say something?”
I turn and nod. “Sure.”
He thinks over his words carefully and I recognize the nervous, uncertain person he is now from our first day working together. I think of all the ways we’ve made progress together. I’ve let myself love someone when I swore I never would again. I stand in confidence next to him, knowing I can say what I want when I want to, and he’s going to either listen, or playfully argue and volley my nonsense right back at me. He lets people see his worst days. He doesn’t hide the daily pill organizer of antidepressants anymore or come up with a lie when I can tell he’s stuck inside his own head. I don’t want either of us to lose that progress, but I already have one foot out the door.
“I only know half of what Cade put you through and I can’t imagine the pain he’s caused. And god, I wish I could take it away, but I can’t. I can only do the best within my power. But I know how hard it is to let people see you. Trust me, I do. I spent three years completely alone because I didn’t want to show anyone all the ways I was broken.
“All I can tell you is that being alone sucks . And I know it’s not the answer, even if it seems like the easiest thing to do. But I really don’t want to see you take what he says to heart. Not when we’re so close, not when we have thousands of fans who love us and who want seasons and seasons of us being stupid on the internet. And especially not when he is wrong about everything he says about you.”
“Not all of it,” I choke out. “I did very much so date the last two people I’ve worked closely with.”
Hayden cracks a smile that makes the tears in his eyes fade away. “Fair, but the rest of it? He’s completely wrong. You’re not hard to work with or hard to love. Loving you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
Our eyes meet and I can hardly see him through the sheen of tears blurring my vision. I can only gather the tight and nervous composure and tension in his body, the dorky Bigfoot T-shirt he’s wearing, and the red flannel over his shoulders. But I know him well enough to fill in all the gaps. I know the heavy fear that weighs down the lightest greens in his eyes, and the shake he has in his hands because being this open terrifies him more than our brushes with ghosts do.
But I also know the slight nod of his head to tell me he means everything he says. And the truth is that he loves me. Loves me. Easily, happily, and completely. Just like I feel for him, too.
“What?” I ask, even though it’s a stupid question. I heard him loud and clear.
“I love you so much, Nonbeliever. And you should know that of all the ridiculous conspiracy theories and monsters I believe in? I believe in you the most.” His chest heaves in heavy breaths like he’s just a second away from breaking down and begging me to stay. “I don’t want to do a single second of The Out There without you. It’s you and me now, Hal. Whether you believe it or not, you’re the magic that was always missing and anyone with two brain cells knows it. Even Cade does, because otherwise, he wouldn’t be having the hissy fit he’s having right now. It takes a lot of bravery to even live through what Cade’s done to you. It takes even more to walk away from it and forge your own path without him. You’ve done both. Don’t underestimate yourself for a minute. And know that no matter what, you have me in your corner.
“But more importantly than what I want, I want you to feel safe. Supported. So, if you’re scared of what Cade will do, what our viewers will say, and you don’t feel comfortable finishing this season…If it’s going to do nothing but hurt you? If you need to step away for a bit, I want you to do that.”
“Hayden…”
“I mean it,” he says. I know he does. “Really. And it won’t change how I feel.”
But how could it not? In a few weeks, after I sit out this episode and Skroll makes their choice, it’s likely there won’t be any more The Out There . Not the one Hayden and I knew. He might go back to podcasting, or start something new, but I chose him and got him to put his trust in me. It feels unforgivable to let him down like this.
All because I’m not brave enough to believe in myself and drown out the skeptics.
I don’t hear Hayden cross the room and approach me, but he draws his hands to the sides of my face and wipes away my tears. It only makes them come harder, and I crumple into his chest. His shirt still has the faint tinge of airplane on it, but his hair smells like lemon verbena and I’m convinced he is carrying extra hotel freebies around everywhere to prove a point.
He holds on to me tightly, one hand woven in my hair, the other tucking me snugly against his chest. So warm, so safe, so loving, but I wish it was enough to give me that last kick of bravery I need to pick happiness over anything else.
“It’s okay. I want you to do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself.” Hayden tilts my head out of his chest and brushes his thumb along the curve of my lip. “Even if it’s backing away and taking the time you need. I’ll always be here for whatever you need.”
I lean into him, sliding my arms around his shoulders and meeting him at his lips. He makes it so easy to love him and he makes me so unafraid to be loved, but right now, kissing him feels like he’s pleading for me not to leave, which I can’t promise. He clutches my shirt and pulls me tight against his body. I run my hands up his chest, tracing the tattoos I know are underneath his shirt, and bite down on his lip in the way that makes him sigh and hold me tighter.
“I love you,” he repeats. “Just tell me what you need from me.”
I know I could tell him I love him, too, but I’ve always wanted it to be at the right moment. I want it to come when it feels like a celebration instead of goodbye, so I keep that to myself for now. I pull away, brushing the curves of his cheeks. “Right now? I need some time to think this over. To process these past couple of days.”
Hayden lets go of me and nods. “Of course.”
I break away before I convince myself to do something I’m not ready for and grab my bag. I give Cthulhu a pat on the head before heading to the door.
“Hallie,” Hayden adds. He wipes his eyes beneath his glasses and sniffs away the rest of his tears. “Don’t be a cryptid. People should see you, and God knows we have enough cryptid-hunting work ahead of us. Don’t make our job any harder than it already is.”
He finishes with a soft smile that makes me feel like it’ll be okay. It’s a sliver of light I can hang on to as I walk away and try to figure out what I’m supposed to do next.