Chapter 30
THIRTY
Afterward, they lay on the couch wrapped in a flannel blanket, Jane’s head resting on Nik’s chest, his arm wrapped around her back.
“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Nik mused, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
Jane snuggled closer. “It feels like the most beautiful dream. I don’t want to ever wake up.”
“Maybe you don’t have to.”
Jane leaned back to look up in his eyes.
Nik gently shifted so she slid beneath him. He leaned over her, elbows braced on either side of her head. “Jane.” He ran a hand gently against her cheek. “Who put that bruise on your face? And don’t tell me you ran into a cabinet. Was it Scarlett’s father?”
Jane hesitated and then nodded. “Matteo.”
“Does he—” Nik cleared his throat. “Does this happen often?”
Jane nodded again.
Nik swore under his breath. “When did it start? ”
“There were red flags before we had Scarlett. He had a temper and would snap at the bar staff. But it really escalated after she was born. I was so vulnerable then. No job, no money, nowhere to go, and he knew he could do whatever he wanted.”
“And you lived with this for ten years?”
Jane closed her eyes, the gravity of that statement settling on her chest, heavier now that she finally had some distance from that terrible place and time. Now that she was back here with Nik. How could I have stayed for ten years? “He went through phases—sometimes he could be sweet and thoughtful. Sometimes he really seemed to be trying. He was sorry. He wanted to be a better man.”
Jane remembered how relieved she’d felt during those times of remorse. How hopeful that everything was going to be okay. “Once he bought a book about anger management. Another time, the bartender at the club, Yolanda, recommended a good therapist.”
But Matteo never read past chapter three in that book, and he never called the therapist. He never changed , not on more than a surface level, and never for long. But each time he gave the appearance of trying was a reprieve for Jane. The calm, the peace, they were enough to trick her into staying for a while longer. And in the darkest times, it was the terror that had gripped her.
Most women who are murdered by their abusers are killed after they leave, not before.
Staying was safer than leaving.
In the darkest times, Jane believed Matteo would kill her.
“I know how it sounds, believe me. When I was a kid, I never understood why my mom didn’t just leave. Just… leave . How hard could it be?” Jane stared over his shoulder. “I had no idea how hard. How an abuser gaslights you into thinking it’s your fault. You think you did something wrong or you’re imagining what’s happening to you.” She twisted the throw blanket in her hands. “And then you become so isolated, so alone, that you can’t imagine where you’d go or what you’d do, even if you could manage to get out.”
“I wish…” But then Nik trailed off, shaking his head.
“What?”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past. What matters is that you’re here now and you’re not alone.” He pulled her closer. “You’ll never be alone again.”
“I wanted to call you, Nik. I wanted to so badly. But I was eighteen and traumatized and had just given birth to Scarlett. And I was terrified of ruining your life, and so scared for my own. And for my daughter’s. When you’re in a situation like that, you can’t see anything clearly. You’re just moving dirt around in your little hole and you don’t even have the energy to look up and see if there’s sky overhead.” Jane took a shaky breath. “I couldn’t come home. My dad was still here. I’d fled from him in the first place. And, after a while, I convinced myself that nobody would want me anyway.”
“I want you, Jane. And so do Hannah and Ali. And I know you have a lot to work out with your mom, but I saw her with Scarlett, and I saw the way she looks at you. She’s so happy you’re home.”
“I know she is. And I know she was in the exact same situation I was. I hope that someday Scarlett will be able to forgive me.” With that thought, Jane hesitated. She hoped Scarlett would forgive her, not just for staying with Matteo. If Nik really was her father…
But she couldn’t say that to Nik. Not yet. Not until she figured out what to do.
“You said you left him.” Nik searched her face. “But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
Jane nodded. “I told him Mom needed my help cleaning up Dad’s paperwork and convinced him to let us go. But he thinks we’ll be back on New Year’s. He doesn’t know we’re running away.” She met his eyes. “My plan was to move to Canada. You remember that I’m a citizen? Matteo doesn’t know that.”
Nik was very still. “Your plan was to move to Canada?”
“It was. But then… we got here, and Scarlett is so happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen her. I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder all the time. And I don’t want to be alone anymore.” Jane swallowed hard. “I ran into Martin Lefkowitz, the attorney?”
Nik nodded.
“He says he can help me.”
“He’s a really smart guy.”
“But you don’t know Matteo. I don’t know if he’d ever let us go.”
“Jane.” Nik shifted to face her. “This isn’t Linden Falls from when we were kids. The police force isn’t your dad’s police force. And you aren’t alone anymore.”
For the first time in a decade, Jane felt a glimmer of real hope. Could she really leave Matteo? Not just to flee to Canada where she’d be looking over her shoulder for the next several decades, but to stand up, stay, and fight for the life she and Scarlett deserved, with the people who cared about her?
At the thought of Scarlett, though, Jane’s confidence faltered. Nik was here, he was all-in now. But what would he do if he found out Scarlett might be his daughter? Jane hadn’t meant to keep this from him—she hadn’t known herself—but would he ever see it that way? She’d taken off and disappeared for a decade without so much as a text or phone call. Why would he believe her? Her heart folded in on itself. It was unbearable. The years they’d lost. The time they could have had. And now—with her suspicions that Scarlett might be Nik’s—the loss of the time Scarlett might have missed was unbearable, too .
But Nik still loved her after all this time. She had to believe that he would forgive her. Tomorrow, she’d go talk to Martin Lefkowitz and find out what to do about Matteo. Once she’d gathered the information she needed, she’d tell Nik everything.
Jane looked up and found only love radiating from his eyes. She could do this. She was ready to start the rest of her life.