CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Nick
My evening spent shadowing Annie and Lauren was fruitful both professionally and personally.
Lauren eventually returned from her banishment to the birth center, ready to chew my ear off about getting pulled from the emergency department so often.
Unlike Annie, she has entertained offers at other hospitals over the years due to the issue, but said being a single parent to her son means staying closer to home is the better option.
In addition to the staffing issues, we chatted readmission rates, supply chain concerns for certain medications, and processes that could improve around admission and discharge procedures.
Dr. Roberts was covering the shift, whom I quickly learned has the nickname, “Dr. Dipshit,” so that’s a problem I had to pretend not to laugh about.
He is surly, but it’s not in his job description to socialize.
From what I can tell he is a solid clinician, charting always completed on time, and the patients give him excellent ratings, so I have to do some covert digging about the staff’s problems with him.
Personally? I got to spend the evening with Marcy’s two best friends, so I listened like a freshman in my first undergrad lecture.
If they go out, they always go to Brothers because they know the bartender.
Marcy is obsessed with the cupcakes at Carlos’s bakery, which I learned because Annie mentioned they get one after their brunches on the weekends.
Marcy likes her time alone in her apartment, which I learned because Lauren told Annie and she was going to ask Marcy about going out this weekend, but realized she wouldn’t do that twice in one week.
Mostly, I learned that Marcy is loved and loves her friends back, based on the warm ways they talked about her.
Did it occur to me that they were bringing her up so often to see how I would react? It did, but I didn’t let that work, and instead turned into a sponge for any tidbits they let slip. Intentionally or otherwise.
The more time I spend with Marcy, the more difficult it becomes to hide how I am feeling about her.
Annie’s emphasis on Marcy needing someone in her life that takes care of her isn’t lost on me.
I’m having a naturally strong desire to take care of her, to become the one she learns she can truly rely on.
I might have taken the challenge too literally, however.
Did I spend time online researching ways to build trust and email my therapist for some ideas?
Maybe. My therapist suggests I work on keeping open communication with her and validating her experiences, with anxiety and otherwise.
So, while I work on those skills, I put the rest of my plan into motion.
I don’t know why she hadn’t fixed her car.
I planned to mind my own business, but after talking with Annie, I couldn’t ignore my impulse to impress her.
Fixing it myself felt like a perfect grand gesture to show her I am paying attention, and I can take care of her needs, big and small.
It felt like a no brainer, with extra points for proving to her that I am great with my hands.
Do I realize that this is a male response to the problem?
Yes, I can’t think of anything more romantic than somebody fixing my car for me.
However, it has been over 24 hours since it has been fixed and I hadn’t thought of a non-creepy way to tell her she should be able to drive her vehicle now.
I replaced her disaster of an oil pan and did a thorough review of the entire under carriage.
All looked in running shape, but I never thought through the rest of this plan.
The part where I would have to acknowledge that I was outside her home, in the cover of darkness, taking apart her vehicle while she slept.
I am starting to realize that this was a bad idea.
Why was I thinking sneaking around her home would build trust?
Grand gestures are more difficult than I realize.
I sit at my desk, starting to spiral on how inappropriate I was being.
Starting to lambast myself for being nearly forty and having no idea how to get an actual girlfriend, and for not having asked for her number before now.
Up until this point, we just planned one run to the next and have been radio silent in between.
Just as the self-talk starts to get a little mean, an e-mail pops up on my monitor.
From:Marcy Murphy
To:Nicholas Anderson
Subject:Car Payment
Hello Nick,
I wanted to write and thank you for fixing my car. I was able to drive it to work this morning without issue. Please let me know what I owe you for parts and labor.
Stan and Gary did not appreciate the security camera notifications, but I have consoled them.
Also, please let me know if you plan on making any additional decisions about my life without my consent.
You already have major influence over my employment status, so maybe leave the rest to me.
Regards,
Marcy
I’m sweating, I can feel the moisture actively catching in my shirt. How did I not consider the security cameras? I guess I can skip any applications to the CIA.
This isn’t good. There is a ‘thank you,’ but the scolding and reminder of my influence over her employment was painful to read. And ‘regards?’ Ouch. God, I’m an idiot. Must do damage control.
How do people do this? How do they start a real relationship?
Is the grand gesture ever optional? Of course, I go and fall for someone whose trust might be extra difficult to earn too, but I realize this will make earning that trust all the sweeter.
The only way I see through this debacle it to be honest.
Here goes nothing.
From:Nicholas Anderson
To:Marcy Murphy
Subject:Apologies
Hello Marcy,
My sincere apologies for compromising your agency. It’s unforgivable, and I do hope to make it up to you.
You owe me nothing for the car repair. I was happy to help, although it was clearly misguided.
I had a spectacular time with you the other night and love our runs together.
I am poorly trying to show you appreciation for who you are as a person.
Selfishly, I wanted to make sure you were safe getting to and from work, especially with the impending winter weather.
I find it difficult to concentrate when I know your safety is at risk.
I also understand that this is my problem, not yours. I will adjust my behaviors accordingly.
I look forward to our continued work together and hope to spend more time with you, on a personal level. We do have a friendship to establish. ?
Sincerely,
Nick
I sit back in my chair, with my stomach in knots.
I do want to be her friend, even if it’s all she ever lets me have.
Hell, I would be her shoeshine boy at this point if that’s all she wanted to give me.
This bizarre new headspace is clouding my judgment and identifying insecurities I forgot existed.
That fear of rejection that I have done so much to avoid.
The lack of control I feel in this moment has the floor feeling like its melting below my feet.
It’s about ten o’clock now, and I am sure Marcy is out seeing patients at this point in the morning, so I resolve to the fact that I likely will not get another response from her right away.
I should relax, focus on all the work I need to get done for the hospital, and pretend that I don’t deeply desire control over every facet of my life. Simple.
Not simple, she responds within five minutes, and I nearly fall out of my desk chair as I lunge at my computer.
To:Nicholas Anderson
From:Marcy Murphy
Subject:Friendship
Hello again,
You are right. We did discuss establishing our friendship, and I am still hopeful we make that work.
Thank you for the concern about my safety.
In the interest of friendship, here is my phone number: 507-555-1242. Please feel free to reach out if you have any friendly matters to discuss, want to plan another run, or are planning a midnight overhaul of my bike.
Warmly,
Marcy
I stare at my screen. A phone number. Warmly.
Several mentions of the word “friend” but I can address that part another time.
Relief rolls in waves over my fried nervous system.
I have gotten hundreds of phone numbers over the years, but this feels like I have been handed the holy grail.
Could I have asked her and gotten in sooner?
Probably, but she gave it to me without asking.
It feels like I just won a medal. Every tiny bit of forward movement in our relationship feels like that.
The excitement quickly gives way to panic that I must now use said number to make my next move.