CHAPTER NINETEEN
Marcy
It’s been a few weeks since my introduction to Isabel and my subsequent decision to keep things with Nick strictly professional.
He has respected the ask, and we have only communicated via email since that interaction.
In fact, I haven’t even seen him around the hospital, or in town; not even in a passing morning run, at all.
I have kept myself busy, cramming as many hours in at work as I can and then collapsing into bed at night.
The time committed to building these community connections to improve our mental health and social service supports is paying off.
The college jumped at the opportunity to establish a relationship, and the volunteer coordinator at the senior center is thrilled.
I have kept Nick and Keith informed of the developments, and the details that are being hammered out.
Nick writes back short, yet encouraging, responses, but all semblance of even a friendship has disappeared.
I miss Nick, which feels ridiculous given how little time I really spent with him.
That ease in which we talk and laugh, and the warmth that radiates out of him is addicting.
Being in his orbit offered me a sense of belonging that I had never felt so quickly with a person.
With some space from him, I was able separate that my anxiety was related to the fear of getting hurt and not being able to recover.
My anxiety is not linked to Nick personally, his natural optimism and easy-going nature offering more of a balm to my nervous system, or a distraction at least.
I replay the moment he caught me on the bridge over and over, against my will. He felt so strong and warm, and I didn’t even care that he was sweating on me. He probably could have spit on me during that interaction and I would have asked for more. And his chest and arms wrapped around me…
“It’s kind of like he became a ghost since you guys decided you weren’t going to be lovers.” Thankfully, Annie’s comment pulls me out of my daydream, as we gather in the conference room for another monthly employee meeting.
“Please don’t say ‘lovers’ to me, Annie.”
“Who aren’t lovers?” Lauren chimes in, taking a seat on my other side.
“It’s nothing,” I insist, “Don’t worry about it.
“What’s nothing? You and that hot consultant?
” Lauren grins at me. “Do you think I was born yesterday? I watched you two make eyes at each other for weeks. Watched him wander aimlessly around this hospital trying to look important, but mainly just trying to run into you. Now, he doesn’t leave his office and mopes in his truck. ”
“Well, aren’t you observant and imaginative.” I mutter back to her.
“No drama here girl, just facts.” She pops a nicotine gum into her mouth. Her perfect cat eye make-up highlighting the gleam in her eye as she teases me.
“I’m sure he found someone else to spend time with, I wouldn’t be concerned. He’s a practiced rake.”
“You need to stop watching Bridgerton, Marcy, no one says ‘rake’ in this century.” Annie’s response makes me laugh, because…guilty. “Besides, he has kept to himself. He never even hooked up with Isabel, she said he turned her down and I think she found a paramedic to keep her company.”
“It’s always the paramedics.” Lauren chimes in with a mischievous little grin.
“No gossip on your grapevine or from Ted?” I ask Annie, a bit surprised.
“Nope, I even asked Ted last night when I stopped at Brothers for a bite. He hasn’t seen him in weeks either.” Annie is doing that thing with her eyebrows like she is trying to get me to read her mind.
“Have I ever told you that you are actually terrible at trying to convey your thoughts with your brows?”
“Only all the time.” Doesn’t stop her. “What are you thinking Marcy? Maybe you misread a situation and should reach out to that puppy that you kicked?” Her turn to have a mischievous grin.
This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted Nick to have fun and be himself, not turn into a hermit and miss out on life in North River for the remainder of his time here. As I find myself yet again pondering the man that is Nick Anderson, Keith enters the room and heads to his podium.
I still haven’t recovered from his baffling make-over, and although the blond streaks in his hair have started to grow out, his confusing wardrobe choices remain a constant source of entertainment.
Today he has on a red, floral, Hawaiian shirt, with his Khaki work pants, and a visor with a polo pony on it.
The blond streaks flopping over it like some disturbing collection of wet noodles.
Where does one find a visor for men nowadays?
“Good afternoon, North River Hospital!” He gets a smattering of half-assed ‘Good Afternoons’ returned to him but keeps an overly enthusiastic expression on his face.
“I have a couple announcements and then Nick Anderson will be taking over this meeting, giving us an update on his tireless efforts to point North River Hospital toward a successful future.” He swallows and looks down at some notes.
My mind kicks into a high gear. At the confirmation that I would see Nick at this meeting, every sense in my body is suddenly thrumming with anticipation.
“So quickly, open enrollment is coming up, and everyone needs to pay attention to the emails coming out regarding your medical coverage. Be sure to sign up before the deadline indicated, we can’t help you if you are late.
Also, we are needing more assistance to plan the upcoming holiday parties, so if you have any interest in lending a hand, please let Angie know.
” Angie stands and waves to the crowded room, as if there is anyone in the room who wouldn’t know her.
Her freshly bleached perm bobbing with her nods.
“There’s a sign-up sheet at my desk, just stop by!” She yells enthusiastically into the room.
“Thank you, Angie. Finally, please remember that there is a blood drive in the town square this weekend, being hosted by the senior center dance team, the Foxy Trots. While there will be collections for blood donations for our hospital bank, additional money raised is going toward improvements to the dance room at the senior center.” As previously mentioned, these townspeople will support any cause.
The Foxy Trots always draw a crowd. At the last event they hosted, they got a standing ovation for their tap number to Nelly’s “Hot in Herre.” Two R’s.
“Without further ado,” Keith continues. “Here is Nick Anderson.”
I can’t take my eyes off Nick as he rises from the table closest to the podium.
I am trying to hide at my usual spot in the back.
He looks so gorgeous, wearing a deep green sweater that is just a little tighter than his usual cut.
The bright blue color in his eyes sparkle above his trimmed beard and square jawline.
He’s the epitome of rugged good looks, wrapped in perfectly fitting jeans that hug his strong thighs just enough to make me sweat in my leggings and boots.
The rings on my hand taking several lazy turns.
“I’m sorry, is it warm in here or is it just me?” Annie leans over to whisper in my ear.
“Shut up,” I snap back at her.
Nick settles into the podium and greets everyone.
He seems so comfortable and naturally grabs the attention of the room with his charisma.
There is something missing from his delivery though.
That initial cockiness that simmered below the surface of his previous presentation isn’t there.
I can’t decide if I wish that wasn’t the case or if I am selfishly satisfied that just maybe he isn’t as over me as I assumed he would be.
He drones on about the facts and figures of the hospital that he has been studying, offering insight into some of the recommendations he will be making to the board and some changes that staff members can make to aid in improving patient care and hospital spending.
“Finally, I want to touch base on some incredible initiatives coming from your Social Services Director, Marcy Murphy.”
Social Services Director? That’s not my title.
“Marcy has made some connections with the local senior center and college in order to increase the availability of mental health and social service programming to the patients of the hospital, without asking for any additional funds to do so. We are talking assistance with transportation, caregiving, appointment follow-up, socialization, and education. She has really outdone herself, and her efforts are sure to have a positive impact on this hospital and the community for generations to come. So big thanks to Marcy for her efforts.” His eyes find mine in the back of the room, where he knows I will be.
They lock just long enough to exchange small and appreciating smiles.
He looks away first, and this pit in my stomach turns at the reaction.
“Wow Marcy, I don’t think you can get much more complimentary than that.” Lauren whispers. “You sure you guys aren’t seeing each other? Maybe you forgot?” Her dark cat eyes giving me a wink.
“Forgot? He hasn’t said a word to me in weeks, only brief email exchanges to provide community outreach updates.” I explain to her.
“Hmm. I know you do great work, but not often someone gets called out like that around here.” Lauren gives me a sideways glance and I pretend not to notice.
I’m flushed from the public support and the eyes that have turned toward me.
Nick closed his comments and rather than take a seat at a table, he exits the room, apparently not needing to hear Keith’s final words of wisdom.
“Want to go to Brother’s and celebrate the promotion you apparently forgot to tell me about?” Annie asks once Keith has finished his spiel.
“I didn’t realize I got promoted either.” What is going on? My thoughts are spinning, and this time rather than avoid my trigger, by body is propelling me toward the threat. “Ya know…I think I have somewhere I need to be, but rain check?”
“Yeah, I think you do too.” She gives me that knowing grin.
As I wait for the world’s slowest elevator, my heart is pounding in my chest, thoughts still swirling.
I haven’t talked to or laid eyes on Nick in weeks but seeing him this afternoon leaves me feeling breathless and wanting.
He is so handsome and just looks…strained.
That light that I came to crave about him is just a bit dimmer than it should be, harkening back to that afternoon after running into his parents. A bit broken.
It feels like an eternity has passed before I am at the door to his office, which is uncharacteristically closed.
I knock as I push it open and find Nick sitting at his desk, staring blankly at his calendar on the computer.
He turns and seems surprised to see me. He stands to walk around and lean back on the front of his desk, large forearms crossed over his firm chest. It is almost like he’s trying to be too casual, too cool.
I close the door behind me and eye him a bit wearily.
“Hello Marcy.” His voice is low and somewhat somber. “What can I do for you?”
“I didn’t realize I got a promotion, so I thought I would come see what kind of game you are playing Nick.”
“No game…well a small game with Keith. You should be a Director of Social Services; you are taking on all the responsibilities of a director anyway. When you start to have more volunteers and staff under your guidance, you will need that title to clarify who is running the show. Keith knows it, he just needs to get his head out of his ass, and I want to give him a little push.” He is flat, calm, cold.
“Okay, well thank you anyway.” I sway a bit on my feet. “And thank you for the compliments on my work, that really wasn’t necessary.”
“It was, its important you are recognized as a leader here, that’s all. No thanks necessary.” His eye contact with me is brief, directive.
“Got it.” He is so still, its unnerving. I can’t stop fidgeting with the rings on my fingers, and his gaze is suddenly locked on my hands. “Am I making you nervous Marcy?”
Is he? “Not nervous. You just seem…serious? I haven’t seen you at all, barely any communication through our emails. I don’t know how to act when you have been so closed off.”
“I got the sense that this is what you wanted. Keep it professional?”
“Yes, I guess it is what I asked for.” I don’t know what to do or say, and I struggle to look anywhere but my shoes. “How is Isabel?” What is wrong with me? Why do I have to take it there?
“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen her. At all.
” He is assessing the reaction on my face, which I am trying to keep neutral, but I’m likely failing.
He cocks his head to the side, and I meet his gaze.
“I haven’t seen anyone else while I have been here either, in case you were wondering.
In fact, I haven’t been with any partner going on nine months.
” Something in the air shifts. The eye contact is intense now, almost like he’s initiating a challenge.
A darkness there that I hadn’t yet seen from him.
Oh, definitely not keeping my poker face. I can feel the heat rising up the back of my neck.
“It’s not my…nine months, why?”
“It turns out, that even a man with a history like mine can change their mind about what they want. What works for them. It turns out, I am looking for something more than a quick fuck.” My heart feels like it wants to pump out of my chest. The hooded stare from his blue eyes is so intense, it’s like he is trying to light my insides on fire.
It’s working. “Does that do anything for you? Knowing that information?” He is pushing me. Seeing what I will do.
I’m melting, warmth between my legs turning molten.
I don’t know how to answer, my anxiety hiding my thoughts in a fog.
I want you; I have wanted you since I first saw you in that stupid meeting, but I am afraid that my heart can’t take being trampled again.
I haven’t had sex in so long that I am afraid I may be re-virginized.
No, please don’t say any of that.
I can’t smell anything in this office except for him, that pine and laundry detergent combo that is so overwhelming I can’t think. I can’t find my focus; I must get out of here.
I turn to leave, embarrassed by how obviously flustered I must be.
Before I can open the door, he has grabbed my wrist and spun me back around to face him. He doesn’t drop his grip, and now I know he can feel my pulse pounding into his fist.
“Don’t go Marcy.”
Before I know what is happening, my body is reacting, magnetized to his.