Chapter Twelve #2
The moment we come into contact, and despite our clothes, every nerve ending in my body bristles.
His behind is nestled firmly between my thighs, pushing up against me.
He leans back a little, guiding my arms around his waist, over his jacket, to the point where I’m wrapped around him.
And to AJ, this simple motion might mean nothing, but all my emotions are now tangled up in knots.
Nobody keeps their high school crush, I remind myself and exhale inside the helmet.
‘You all right?’ he asks and I give a nod. Behind this visor, I am tongue-tied.
He moves off slowly, just as he promised he would, pushing his sunglasses up his nose and walking the bike to the roadside.
He waits until the coast is clear then in one clean, smooth action, we are on the highway, and I’m clinging on for dear life to the man I keep telling myself I should not be having feelings for.
Riding on the back of his bike toward the city of Roswell, pressed up against him, is not helping my case.
Under the – obvious – surface-level things, it’s his casual, rough-around-the-edges confidence I’m attracted to.
Admire, even. Even before I arrived in America, my teachers all said I should work on my self-confidence.
That if I didn’t, it would likely hinder my career choices, and maybe they were right.
It wasn’t just my career either. It was my whole approach to life.
Because even at university in England, if a guy tried to talk to me, I’d crease up and run the other way, then go back to my halls and end up having to listen to my contemporaries having drunken, noisy one-night stands in the neighboring rooms. Instead, I’d be staring at the walls and wondering what was wrong with me that I was so terrified of getting physical with someone.
My one and only kiss in a darkened closet with my high school crush was the only positive experience I could cling to.
I lost my virginity to a Portuguese exchange student after a party where we’d both had too much to drink.
It wasn’t until I met my one and only serious boyfriend, Owen, who I got talking to in the university library, that I could finally loosen up a little, enough to work out what I was supposed to be doing.
The motel is called Smokey Mountain Lodge. It’s a beige and brown low rise, a shabby L-shaped monstrosity that’s as far away from an actual lodge as they come. Under the streetlamps, AJ parks the bike in a packed parking lot and instructs me to dismount. I do, then yank off the helmet.
‘How was your first ride on a motorcycle?’ he asks me with a quirky smile.
I pinch my lips together, because if I don’t, I will break out into a zany grin, which would not be cool. ‘Good,’ I say. ‘Thank you.’
He nods toward the reception. ‘I’ll go ask about getting us a couple rooms.’
I wait with the bike for some minutes. I can hear a chorus of cicadas, just like back in Texas.
On the other side of the road, I watch my car being offloaded from the tow truck, two burly men shouting at one another.
Through the reception windows, I can see AJ talking to the receptionist. Behind her head, hanging on the wall is a faded Roswell poster showing a flying saucer and an alien abduction, which is the only thing I’ve ever associated Roswell with before.
I certainly didn’t expect to end up here.
Not long after, AJ re-emerges.
‘Uh,’ he says, running one hand around the back of his neck. ‘So, they only have one room available.’
I blink at him. ‘Oh,’ I say casually, except the very idea makes my stomach flip over.
‘That all right with you?’ he asks.
‘Guess we don’t have a choice.’
His lips twist.
‘Of course, that’s fine.’ I add for good measure, in case he thought I was horrified by the prospect, and inwardly, I kick myself.
I follow him to one of the ground floor rooms, hanging back as he places the key card in the slot. Once he’s pushed open the door, I watch as he doesn’t cross the threshold, instead just stands there, motionless. Curious as to the reason behind his silence, I step forward and peer inside.
It’s a double room.
Of course it is. There’s only one bed.
‘Oh,’ I say, and promptly cringe on the inside at my inherent Englishness. ‘It’s just for a short while, right?’
‘I can take the floor,’ AJ mumbles.
I slide past him. The walls are light blue and there is a sludge-colored carpet that has seen better days. The bedding is a bad take on retro style, and the lopsided print on the wall has faded in patchy sunlight.
I crease my nose at the floor. ‘Not to sound rude, but if you sleep down there, you might catch something.’
AJ follows me inside. ‘It’s not the Four Seasons, Palmer. How you gonna cope?’
I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
He lets out a heavy sigh. ‘This place is a dive.’
He closes the door behind us, then tosses his keys and jacket on the bed. ‘I might take a shower.’
He passes me and enters the bathroom. The door closes behind him and I hear it lock.
Moments later, there is the sound of running water.
Reaching into my bag, I pull out the sandwiches that Rita made us for the journey, perch myself on the edge of the double bed and peel open the plastic ziplock bag, then nibble on the contents with two hands.
When I catch my reflection in the wall mirror, I look like a wide-eyed, scared bunny rabbit.
Minutes later, AJ emerges, barefoot and shirtless but with his jeans on, a thin white towel slung loosely around his neck. Steam billows out from the tiny room. That’s when I get to see the full array of tattoos on his chest, not that I can take any of them in, because I look away.
‘There’s a sandwich if you want one,’ I croak, because suddenly it’s difficult to get any words out.
‘Pass me one?’ is his response.
I turn, still averting my eyes as I pass him the bag. The mattress shifts below me as he launches his entire weight at it, the springs creaking as he stretches out, throwing his towel on the floor.
‘Mind if we put the TV on?’ he asks.
‘Fine,’ I manage as he reaches for the remote.
‘Great,’ he growls after a moment because the remote doesn’t seem to be working. He first bangs it in his fist, then leaves his half-finished sandwich on the bed as he gets to his feet, walking over to the TV. He checks the power cable, tries in vain to get it working.
Me, I’m just happy with the view of the muscles rippling across his back.
‘Guess that’s not working,’ he says with a grunt and returns to the bed.
For a moment, we eat the rest of our sandwiches in silence. My back is still facing him.
And all I can think is, tell him it was you.
Just tell him it was you who he kissed. He’s right here. It can’t be that hard.
‘So,’ I say, and I can’t stop my voice from hitching up a notch. ‘You and Amber Bradshaw… you were an item.’
He’s silent for a moment. ‘Not for long.’
I tell myself to turn my head and look at him, but my head is not complying. ‘Summer fling?’
‘It was like… three weeks. Barely. I mean, not even. It was… you know. Purely physical. Nothing serious.’
‘But Noah said she was your girlfriend.’
He makes a sound at the back of his throat, akin to a snort. ‘Sure, Noah saw it that way. I mean, she kept on telling everybody she was. Pestered me to introduce her to my mom.’
‘So, you… what? Broke it off?’
‘Told her I didn’t want anything serious. I don’t really do girlfriends.’
‘Why not?’
I hear him clear his throat. ‘I dunno. Simpler that way.’
‘Oh.’
Sweat breaks out my upper lip. If I’m going to tell him, I need to keep this conversation going.
‘So, I guess you got together at that graduation party at her house?’ I ask.
‘Uh. Yeah, kind of. You were at that party, right?’
I don’t know if I should be pleased or disappointed that he’s asking the question, because, clearly, he doesn’t know the answer. ‘Uh, yeah, I was there. For a bit.’
‘Yeah, it was weird, you know, ’cause somebody said…’
He falls silent. I want him to ask if it was me in the closet so badly. Yet my own confession remains firmly trapped in my throat.
My head pounds. It was me. It was me. And this time, it’s my tongue that’s non-compliant.
‘Can we not talk about Amber?’ AJ huffs.
It seems the moment has passed, and I can’t recapture it.
I get a shower. Standing under the water flow, exhaustion washes over me. When I come out, dressed in a baggy T-shirt and a pair of loose-fitting cotton bottoms, AJ has fallen asleep, still sitting upright.
I adjust the lighting, then steal a glance at his chest. That he’s shirtless, alone with me in a motel room is almost too much to bear.
There’s a tattoo of a scorpion inked over his heart, the same as the Hell’s Venom insignia from Scotch & Smoke.
There is a skull on his right shoulder, and some writing under his ribs that I cannot make out.
I know I’m staring, but it feels more like an appreciative gaze.
I drag my eyes away, abruptly feeling perverted. I picture our kiss, only this time it feels visceral, like I could still be back in that moment, the sensation of his lips on mine, causing a dull ache to blossom between my thighs.
Yet I did nothing. I said nothing. I couldn’t say the words: it was me you kissed in that closet. Not Amber bloody Bradshaw.
And now I’m my own worst enemy.
I dim the lights further and crawl under the covers on my side. The bed springs creak. I stare at the ceiling.
‘You kissed me at Amber’s party,’ I whisper, and I’m answered with gentle snores.
I wake with a start. I squint at the morning sunlight streaming in through a gap in the curtains.
I glance to my left, then look around the room. AJ is not here.
I’m alone.
I get up and get dressed. I’m just about to go and investigate when I hear the key card in the door.
AJ enters carrying a takeaway coffee and a paper bag.
‘Hey,’ he says, closing the door behind him. ‘I hope you like a cappuccino.’
‘Morning,’ is my reply, and I reach for the paper cup. ‘Cappuccino is good, thank you.’
He holds up the bag. ‘I bought donuts. Iced ones. Not a whole lotta choice, sorry.’
I take the bag too. ‘That’s fine. What time is it?’
He thrusts both hands into the back pockets of his jeans. ‘Seven. There’s a guy about to start work on your car. I paid already, so you should be all set.’
‘You didn’t have to pay.’
‘I did. It’s my fault you’re here.’
‘Did they say how long it might take?’
‘Uh. They can’t tell me that yet. No.’
The silence that follows is a little awkward. The air in the room grows thicker with every passing second. I can see that he’s torn between not wanting to leave me behind and his eagerness to get back to Rapture.
‘At least let me give you some money for the room.’
‘Nah. You’re all good. I appreciate what you did for Noah.’
He looks to the carpet, and I feel a cross between annoyed and guilty. ‘You need to get going.’
He raises dark brown eyes to me. For a moment, he says nothing. ‘You wouldn’t mind? If I went on ahead?’
‘I mean… I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble with Echo, but—’
‘It’s cool. I can wait. I can handle Echo.’
A turgid silence fills the room.
‘Look, just go if you need to go,’ I say, and it comes out a little more aggressively than I intended. ‘It’s my shitty car that’s the problem here. It’s not worth you losing your job over. Jesus.’
He’s quiet, like he’s trying to ratify any decision he makes.
‘I’m a big girl,’ I add, to reinforce my case. ‘If I have to call Triple A, I’ll make up something to tell my dad.’
‘If I ride fast, I can make it back by lunch.’
‘Just don’t kill yourself.’
The next thing I know, he’s pulled a wad of dollars from his jeans pocket. ‘This is for you,’ he says.
‘Oh,’ is my response. I look down at it. It takes me a moment to move the bag of donuts to my other hand and reach for it.
A smile tugs at his lips. ‘Thanks, Hollie. It’s been, uh… it’s been, um, been good seeing you again.’
A jolt goes through my chest, because it sounds like a goodbye, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.
‘It’s been good to see you too,’ I murmur, the money now in my fist. In my head, I add, oh, by the way, it was me. Yet the words still aren’t there, and this isn’t the time.
We face each other. There’s an awkward moment where AJ holds out his arms, but not fully, and I’m not sure if he’s going to hug me, because I’m still holding the money, my coffee and donuts.
I step forward into a slightly limp embrace.
But in that one second, I close my eyes and breathe him in.
Because this might be the final moment I get to spend with AJ Callahan.
And then he’s stepped back, and there’s cool air between us. I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness that I didn’t get to tell him what I should have, last night and all those years ago. The knowledge of my own weakness consumes me from within.
I watch him bend to pick up his jacket and helmet, along with his bag. ‘Bye, Hollie,’ he says as he backs out the door. ‘Thanks for everything. Drive careful now.’
‘I will,’ I say. ‘Bye, AJ.’
Then he closes the door behind him.
And he’s gone.