Chapter 4 #2
Our affair had been ongoing for six months when I got the call. He asked to meet to talk. My heart sank as a thousand scenarios ran through my head. Was he going to break it off? I wasn’t sure I could cope; he was my remedy after a shit day.
We met at an obscure café near the hospital, where we had been a hundred times before.
Sam was sitting at our usual table. It was our day off.
He was wearing a fitted black shirt with a nervous expression.
Leaning down, I gently kissed his cheek, my eyes scanning the room to make sure there was no one I knew there.
“Don’t you wish we didn’t have to do that? Don’t you wish…”
“What do you mean?” My defenses rose, sensing danger was on the horizon.
He sighed, a soft smile gracing his lips. “Let me finish, Lolly. Please.”
Lolly was his pet name for me. I loved it. It started when he liked how I sucked a lollypop, and it had stuck ever since.
“We’ve been seeing each other in secret for six months. I’m in love with you. I want us to make a go of things… properly,” he said slowly. Emphasizing each word so there could be no confusion in what he was asking of me.
Dumbfounded, I gawked at him.
“Make a go of things?” I repeated back, his words racing around my head. The realization cemented itself front and center – he wants me to leave Ben.
“I’m sick of sneaking around, having time with you when you can squeeze me in.
I want to walk down the street with you, hold your hand, kiss you in public.
I want to introduce you to my parents. But while I’m the other man, those things can’t happen.
” He dropped his eyes and then looked at me hopefully.
“The thing is, I’ve met someone. Nothing’s happened, but I’m curious. I’m not prepared to see you both. You need to decide whether you actually care for me or if I’m just a band aid for your broken relationship.”
I sat, observing him silently, with no idea what to say.
Leave Ben? The thought had never even crossed my mind.
Sam wasn’t prepared to see me alongside someone else.
I was completely disoriented. Sam wasn’t willing to risk a potential relationship for his affair with me, but we’ve never discussed being more.
Just the now, and how important it was to us both.
I pushed my seat back from the table with force, standing, my eyes wide. I stared down at him and saw red.
“How fucking dare you,” I yelled.
He gaped at me, startled, then his frustration surfaced.
“How dare I? Lolly, I’m asking you to give us a chance.
Stop screwing around and hiding from everyone.
Give us a real chance. I’m not prepared to be your secret fuck any longer, to massage your ego or pick you up off the floor when you’re struggling.
You’re with me or you’re not. If you’re with me, then let’s step out together and show the world.
If you’re not, then from now on we’re colleagues and nothing more. ”
Tears rushed to the surface. I felt completely lost. I cared for this man, but I didn’t love him. It had always been Ben. He was my life partner; that was agreed in our teens. It wasn’t changing because I met someone else, not when everything was planned out.
An immense wave of guilt crashed down. What had I been doing? Risking my relationship while playing with Sam’s feelings.
My eyes met his, and I shook my head slowly, then walked away from the table, not looking back. His voice rose behind me, livid, furious. Everything he deserved to be.
“Poor bastard,” he sneered, but I kept moving. “I feel sorry for him.”
After escaping the café, I walked onto the street, and my lungs filled with fresh air.
I took off toward my apartment, walking as fast as my legs would allow.
Climbing the stairs two at a time, I arrived at my front door, never having been so relieved to be home.
I kicked off my shoes, and they thudded off the hall tiles.
My flatmates would be at work. I should have had the place to myself. Exactly what I needed after the scene at the café. The space to get centered and work out what was to come next.
As I hung my coat on the hook by the door, familiar blazing blue eyes pierced me from across the room.
Ben sat perfectly still on the sofa, his brow furrowed deep.
The air between us crackled, heat rolling off him in waves that scorched my skin.
I just looked at him dumbly, unsure what to say, not understanding why he would be here, now, when he was supposed to be on shift.
He held up a letter and waved it in the air. Plain white paper with scrawled black writing. A hand I immediately recognized as Sam’s from the notes he would leave in my locker when I wasn’t looking.
“Is it true?” he asked, his voice low.
I walked over and took the letter from him, but I already knew what it said.
Sam was confident I would leave, sure enough that he took the lead in ending my relationship to free me and make me his.
Raw bile curled in my stomach as my sins were laid bare, one word after the other.
A volatile mix of liberation and shame twisted in my chest, making each breath more labored than the last. Finally, I would have to deal with the consequences of what I’d done.
And as frightening as it was, a small part of me was almost… relieved.
Ben,
I’m sorry to do this in a letter.
We don’t know each other well,
but I believe you deserve the truth.
Kelsey and I have been sleeping together for six months.
I love her. She’s leaving you.
I won’t be the other man any longer. We have too much to live for.
I’m sorry.
Sam
“Are you leaving me?” Ben whispered.
My hands shook uncontrollably as tears ran down my cheeks. I moved my head from side to side. The word refusing to pass my lips.
“Is it true, Kels? Have you been sleeping with him?”
My heart broke as I nodded, knowing that I couldn’t deny it, even though I wanted to. The betrayal, my betrayal, had been thrown into the light, whether I wanted to admit it or not. If I wanted to hold on to what we had, I needed to own up.
“Do you love him?” he asked, his voice breaking.
This conversation clearly hurt him. I could hear it.
Still unable to speak, I shook my head. I kept my gaze fixed on the floor, determined not to look him in the eye and see what my actions had done to him.
That afternoon, I was filled with shame, embarrassment, disbelief, and anger at being caught.
But how did I think this was going to end?
Sneaking around, lying, having two men at my beck and call when it suited me.
Was I going to lose them both? The thought was soul-destroying. Then Ben shocked me. He pinched the paper from my hands and ripped it up, throwing it in the trash can beside us.
“Let’s talk. How can we fix this?” he asked, and just like that, the danger passed. We talked, he listened, and we moved on, creating the world we wanted, exactly the way we said we would. Even after my open betrayal, Ben stood by me. He always did, time and time again.
I’ve always thought Ben carried a savior’s burden.
Since we were kids, he’s been the one to patch wounds and sweep up the smashed glass.
Our relationship is no different. Over the years, I’ve pushed and prodded, testing the boundaries of what we had.
Not to the point of breaking us, but enough to shake us.
Every time, he’s wrapped his arms around me and pulled us through.
Melissa places my bowl of cereal down, reminding me where I am. Ben’s sitting across the table in deep discussion with Eamon. Our friends know none of this. They believe our perfect-family lie. Well, I think they do.
But now, I suspect Bex has reared her head once more after seeing her with Ben on Saturday night.
They looked so comfortable, chatting and dancing.
Laughing at one another’s jokes, sipping drinks, and flashing smiles.
I always knew she was his deepest regret, that he chose me for what some may believe are the wrong reasons.
I would disagree; his loyalty has always been with me, no matter how hard she made his heart beat.
But we’re still married. We still sleep under the same roof. He might call it a separation, but to me, we’re just in a bad patch—and now he’s crawling back to her. This past week has made me wonder if our marriage is salvageable. If what’s worked in the past to keep him in line will work again.
This time, will the promise of a baby and a white picket fence be enough? Or will I need to raise the stakes again?
I always do, in the end.
The win is always mine.