Chapter 12 #2
“Just talk to me. Not sure it can get any worse than losing a friend for almost ten years,” she said softly.
I paused, taking in her words. “You really considered us friends?” I asked, surprised by this revelation.
She sat back slowly. “Wouldn’t you? We spent close to four months working together on that project. All our free time, meals, late nights.” She shrugged. “I thought we were friends.”
My already jumbled mind was racing. “That was exactly how I felt, but I wasn’t sure you did, to be honest.”
“Why wouldn’t I? I really enjoyed our time together. That’s why what you did hurt so much. Things didn’t turn out the way I thought they would.” Her voice held an emotion I couldn’t place, but whatever it was made me want to pull her into my arms and beg her forgiveness.
I didn’t answer for a few minutes, desperately trying to think of something to say to her without saying the wrong thing. I was already mentally exhausted, but I gathered my words as best I could.
“I’m glad to know you considered us friends, too.
But in college, I found that most people hung out with me to improve their grades, as pretentious as that sounds.
You obviously didn’t fall into that category, but you and I were so different.
It didn’t occur to me that you thought of me that way.
Who was I compared to you?” I asked sheepishly.
“Well, no, we were different, are different, but I valued our time together, valued you. I mean, you weren’t exactly what I’d call chatty, but when you were interested in something, I couldn’t stop you.
And you were a great listener. Now, your sense of humor took time to figure out, but you were actually pretty funny.
” I couldn’t read what she was feeling, but she didn’t look angry, so that was at least something.
I chuckled. “Yes, like your sarcasm.”
“Hey, my sarcasm is legendary. I’m fluent in it.” She lifted her chin in mock haughtiness.
“It may be, but it took me a month to get used to it. I had no idea whether you were mad, happy, joking, or serious.”
“I must’ve been doing it wrong if it wasn’t obvious,” she joked.
“Yeah, well. Let me try to explain my side of what happened before your friends come back.”
When she nodded, I went on. “The night before, the one when you must have found what you thought was a solution, I left for a late shift at work. When I got up the next morning, I was so sick I could hardly get out of bed.”
“I remember. I got your emails.” There was a definite tone when she said ‘emails’ as if she were spitting out something sour.
“Right. But when the TA emailed you and me asking for further documentation of your findings, I was lost. One thing led to another, and he sent me some old research papers from Professor Logan’s former students. That’s when I found that your exact work had been presented a few years ago.”
She leaned her elbows on her knees, eyes narrowed. “Niko, I knew you weren’t getting home until 2:00 am, so I wouldn’t dare call you. I thought I’d see you in class the next morning.”
I huffed out a breath. “I understand that, but you should’ve mentioned what was going on when you answered my email letting you know I was sick. When I found the former student’s work, my only priority was protecting you.”
Her brows furrowed as her voice got louder.
“Yes, you were sick. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to come to class like that.
I had no idea all of this was going to happen so quickly.
And wait. Protect me from what? Don’t twist this into something it wasn’t.
Just own up to what you did, and maybe we can move on. ”
Her tone had quickly gone from friendly to antagonistic, revealing how upset she still was after all this time.
“I was protecting you from being labeled a plagiarist, Leyla. I worked for hours trying to piece together what I could take to Professor Logan to clear your name while I waited for you to answer my emails. When he gave me a tiny window to come talk to him, I basically crawled there.”
My voice was rising in frustration, but I didn't want emotions to take over. I had to get her to understand me.
“You went to Logan’s office to make sure you weren’t pulled into this,” she spat out.
“That’s not true. You don’t understand.”
“Understand what, Niko?” she yelled. I hated confrontation, and my insides felt like a tornado was tearing through them.
My ears started ringing, and I could feel my anxiety well up inside. When I didn’t answer, she threw up her hands.
“See, you have no answer. Own up to who you were really there for when you went to his office.”
My resolve broke as my voice rose. “You. I was thinking of you. I wanted to protect you because I cared about you!” I shouted.
My outburst stunned her into silence.
I lowered my voice. “Before I went to his office, I emailed you over and over and waited hours with no answers.”
Leyla stood, pushing the chair behind her, storm clouds brewing once again. “You should’ve waited for me to go see him. And I never checked my school email. Well, except when I needed to get in touch with you or a professor.” She flinched at her admission.
“Exactly. That’s how we communicated.”
“I know, but it makes no sense. Who in college doesn’t call or text, Niko?” she shouted.
Standing up, I said, “First of all, I never called or texted you. And I did call you after I met with Professor Logan. I went alone to get ahead of this thing. My intentions were good, I promise you. I also texted and emailed over and over, but you didn’t answer.”
Rubbing her temple, she said, “My phone was dead. By the time I finished my classes and went to charge it, I saw your messages and the TA's asking about the documentation, but Logan had already emailed me, summoning me to his office after your meeting with him. I ignored everything else. I just would’ve appreciated a chance to go together, but you took it upon yourself to go on your own. You’ve got to see what that looks like, Niko.
I was humiliated! For weeks, I thought people had found out and were whispering behind my back.
It was awful.” Tears sprang to her eyes, and she tried to wipe them discreetly when she turned her head.
“I’m sorry about that. And I know what I’m saying about the emails doesn’t make sense to you. But it’s the way I compartmentalize things. I want to explain to you why…”
Waving her hands dismissively and cutting me off, she said, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?”
In a heartbeat, every cruel word from high school came roaring back.
“You’re not normal. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just be like everyone else?”
My hands started shaking, so I began my box breathing. In for four. Hold. Out for four. After I did a few rounds of that, Leyla was still boring a hole in my face with her glare, waiting for me to answer.
I wanted to run away from this awful confrontation, but not until I said what I wanted her to know.
Taking a deep breath, I said, “There are things you don’t understand.
But I did try to defend you. I don’t know what Professor Logan told you, but I was willing to take the fall along with you, Leyla.
And I’m sorry I didn’t call you right away.
I started researching and just lost track of time.
You of all people know this about me.” My voice shook but held.
Leyla looked shocked by my words as she stared at me.
Sofia walked out, looking from me to Leyla, wringing her hands. “Hey, I know I asked you to talk this through, but your yelling is going to wake up my son, Dean,” she said sheepishly.
I had made a fool of myself in front of Leyla and her friends. “I’m so sorry. That was my fault,” I said. “I’m going to leave. Sofia, thank you for the invitation. Leyla, I’m sorry. Good night.”
I walked past Sofia, not daring a glance at Leyla, passing Luke as I headed for the front door. “Sorry for all of this. Have a good night.”
Finally out of the house, I leaned my hands on my bent knees, trying to catch my breath and calm down enough to drive home.
Even though I’d tried to explain, I knew Leyla didn’t believe me. Telling her about the part of me I didn’t share with many people wasn’t an option in the moment. My emotions were too jagged, and that would have to be a conversation for another day, if she ever spoke to me again.
On the way home, I prayed for God to remind me that I was His, that I was loved and accepted, just the way I was. I also prayed that He’d give me an opportunity to open up to her soon.