Chapter 9
Present Day
R achanna was folding her sarees and arranging them neatly in her cupboard. All she wanted was one for Raji’s anniversary party later that week. But she had ended up checking out a lot of her sarees. Especially her wedding saree and the one she wore at her reception.
Though her hands were busy, her thoughts were not on what she was doing. Strangely, she was not thinking about Samay. She was thinking about Anirudh.
Anirudh had been a young chap in his early twenties when she had met him in Goa. He was handsome, funny with an ever-ready smile. Where had that guy disappeared? The Anirudh now was way more mature. He looked at her with such intensity that it made her wonder if he could see her soul.
And it was difficult for her to remain unaffected by him and his gaze. He really did seem to be a magician. A single glance and he was able to cast a spell over her. She felt like she would obey anything he ordered her to do.
But there was something else in him. Something new and different. Something hard and intense. Yes, that was it! She realised with a shock. That was it! An intensity. He had an intensity about him. Like he had been moulded by fire. Like he had seen way too much of life, had experienced way too much hardship than a normal person in their early thirties would generally have. He had changed way too much, concluded Rachanna.
She then thought about herself. Was she still the same person she was ten years ago? Hardly. Her change would have been as much of a shock to Anirudh as his change was to her. She sighed. Sometimes, life tested a person way too much. And some people way more than the others.
She suddenly felt an overpowering need to comfort Anirudh. And to be comforted by him. She closed her cupboard and sat on the bed, unable to move. It was almost an hour later when she was interrupted by the doorbell.
“Hey Bhanu! Come in,” greeted Rachanna, as she opened the door.
“What are you doing?” Bhanu asked, as she stepped inside Rachanna’s house.
“Just cleaning up. I was thinking about throwing away some stuff…things just pile up. I hardly have any room left!”
“You should start by cleaning out Samay’s study.”
Rachanna glared at her. Bhanu smiled back innocently and Rachanna shook her head. “Don’t know why you hate him so much. He is dead. Give him a break.”
“Sure. Did you meet…?” Bhanu asked, throwing a questioning glance at Rachanna.
Rachanna flushed. “Yes. I tried to be friendly with him but he…”
“He what?”
“Doesn’t want to be friends with me.”
“Awww! Why not?” Bhanu asked, disappointed.
Rachanna flushed again as she answered, “I don’t know…”
She avoided Bhanu’s eyes as she took a seat on the sofa next to her.
Bhanu wondered for a moment before she gasped, “Ah! He wants more?”
“No! Just forget it. It’s not going to work.”
“Why ever not? I don’t understand. You had this great…great date…”
“Okay, okay, let’s not talk about it, please.”
“And yet, you want to stay away? You are no longer married. You are single. You know that, right?”
“I am not single. I have a family. I have Asmee.”
“And she needs a father.”
Rachanna rolled her eyes. “Who? That guy? I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
Rachanna gave her a frustrated glance. “Don’t be silly. I don’t want anything to affect Asmee. Her wellbeing is the most important thing in the whole world for me.”
“Having a father would do her a whole lot of good.”
“She does have a father. Samay.”
Bhanu threw up her hands. “God! You and your daughter should learn to accept life as it is. Samay is dead. It would do you both a whole lot of good to just acknowledge that fact. Pretending otherwise is not going to help.”
“Let it be, Bhanu. It works for us.”
“How is this working? You are not moving on.”
“Bhanu. I dated someone else when I was married to him…”
“For one night…with his permission…”
“Not really. Samay did not want me to go out on a date. He just asked me to enjoy myself…”
“…which you did.”
Rachanna shook her head. “I intend to make up for that.”
“By destroying your life?”
Rachanna sighed. If only Bhanu knew the entire situation! It would have been so good to unload her crap on someone. Especially if it was a friend like Bhanu, who had stood by her side for very many years. But then, she would have to carry her crap. Rachanna did not want to do that to Bhanu. If Bhanu knew she had slept with Anirudh… Rachanna did not even want to think about it.
She simply said, “If that is what it takes…”
“Don’t be silly. It was just a date. It was not as if you slept with him!”
“Hey! Don’t say stuff like that. The walls have ears.”
“It was just a date. Let it go. And it is a million times better than how Samay treated you.”
Rachanna glared at Bhanu. “What did Samay do? He was exemplary…”
Bhanu shook her head. “No, he was not. He married you knowing very well that there was a good chance that he won’t make it. What man does that?”
“I knew that too when I married him. I was already in love with him. Did you want me to ditch a man because he was sick?”
“No, darling, no! I wanted you to ditch him because he was dying. Not sick. Dying. That is a significant difference. He had no right to marry you. He ruined your life.”
“No, he did not. He loved me. I loved him, too. I married him knowing about his illness fully well.”
“He knew that there was a good chance that he’d die in a few years and yet he married you. He just used you! What kind of a man was he?”
“Better than me. He never lied to me. Ever. I, on the other hand…”
“For God’s sake. It was one date. Move on! It was not as if you both fell in love with each other and changed the course of history. You came back to Samay, no matter how much fun you had. That is what matters. You could have run away with that guy. No one could have faulted you if you did that…”
“Is there anything else we can talk about?” Rachanna asked sternly.
“Yes. I hate Samay. He destroyed your life. And you don’t even know it.”
Rachanna sighed. “Let it be. I am happy now.”
“Are you? Really? Are you?”
Rachanna looked at Bhanu. Then she shrugged and said defensively, “I could be worse. Far worse. I am good.”
Bhanu shook her head. “Not happy, Rachanna. You are not happy. There is an opportunity for you to finally be happy. And you, with your twisted logic, are being senseless and rejecting it. You have taken it upon yourself to punish yourself for what you did. That is what you are doing. You do not want to be happy.”
Rachanna was silent for a long time. “He trusted me. Samay trusted me.”
“Oh my God! That guy used you. He married you when he knew very well that he was really sick. He knew that he might even die. He allowed you to take care of him…”
“What would have happened if he had gotten sick after we got married? I would have still taken care of him, right? How was it any different then?”
“But it did not happen that way, did it? His diagnosis came through even before your engagement. You had every right to walk out of that relationship. In fact, any girl in her right sense would have done it. But you, with your twisted sense of honour and…”
“I gave him my word. I could not go back on that just because he was sick. And I loved him. I wanted to spend the little time that we had together with him, okay? Why not?”
Bhanu sighed as she shook her head. “Okay, let that be! For my sake, can you please talk to Anirudh once more?”
“How does it matter to you?” Rachanna asked, exasperated by Bhanu’s stubbornness and persistence.
“He is your last chance at happiness. And my friend’s happiness matters to me.”
Rachanna sighed as she leaned back on the sofa. “Forget it.”
“Will you at least think about what I said?” Bhanu asked earnestly.
Rachanna looked at her friend. She did not want to disappoint someone who obviously cared for her. She slowly nodded. “I will.”
“Good enough for now.”
***
Rachanna, dressed in a dark green saree, entered Raji’s house, carrying a gift in her hand. The house was decorated in shades of red and gold. The living room wall was decorated with balloons that read ‘Happy 35 th Anniversary!’ Streamers and balloons were hung all around the house.
The living room was already filled with people. As soon as Rachanna entered, Raji called out from the other end of the living room, “Come in, Rachanna. Make yourself comfortable.”
“Happy anniversary, Aunty!” She cried out over the din in the living room.
Rachanna looked around and greeted a few people she knew. All the sofa and chairs were already occupied, so she remained standing. A few of her friends made their way over to her and began to chat.
A few minutes later, Raji’s husband, Satish, came to Rachanna. Rachanna wished him and handed the gift to him.
“Thank you, Rachanna. Thank you for coming. It means a lot to us.”
Satish was around sixty-five years old. He was a dentist but was now retired. He was almost bald and stood with a slight hunch. He smiled at Rachanna and looked at her expectantly.
She smiled and tried to go back to chatting to her friends, but Satish was not in the mood to let her go. “So, how is Asmee?”
“She is fine, Uncle,” replied Rachanna. She made another attempt to go back to her friends but was unsuccessful.
Satish asked, “How is she studying?”
“She is studying fine, Uncle.”
“You should have brought her here.”
“She was with her friends, Uncle. Plus, she hates crowds.”
“Did you get a chance to look at the exercise videos that I sent?”
Rachanna groaned inwardly. “Uh! No, Uncle. Sorry. I was busy.”
“However busy you are, you should always make time to take care of your health. You need to be healthy enough to take care of Asmee, right? You need to be strong. You need to exercise regularly.”
Rachanna smiled and attempted to move away again but Satish just would not let her go. “Do you at least do yoga? I go to a yoga class and it is very helpful. Maybe you should also join. Or, I can teach you.”
She smiled awkwardly. “Yeah, I will think about it, Uncle.”
“Good, you do that.”
“Excuse me. I need to use the restroom,” said Rachanna, finally coming up with an excuse to get away from the conversation.
A few minutes later, Rachanna peered into the living room. Satish was busy with the other guests. Sighing with relief, she stepped out to chat with her friends.
Ten minutes later, the happy couple made their way to the dining area where a large, multi-tier chocolate cake was kept, ‘35’ written on it in a large golden font over it. On the cake tray were the words ‘Happy Anniversary, Raji and Satish!’
Everyone crowded around the dining table. Raji was decked in an expensive, maroon silk saree with a huge, golden border. Rachanna suspected that it was her wedding saree. Raji was smiling broadly as she took Satish’s hand so they could cut the cake together. Someone burst a party popper and multi- coloured confetti fell on the crowd, who clapped and cheered merrily.
After the cake cutting, people formed groups around in the living and dining room. Snacks were served. Rachanna, who thankfully got a seat at the end of the living room sofa, took a plate and looked at the donut and the cake wistfully. If only Asmee had agreed to come.
“How has the journey been, Raji? Thirty-five years!” Someone asked.
“Too long and tiring,” replied Raji, laughing.
Everyone laughed.
“What about you, Satish?”
“I have been blessed! Raji is a rock. I don’t know what I would have done without her.”
Raji blushed.
“Any regrets?” Someone asked and the crowd erupted in another round of laughter. It seemed that it did not take much to make the crowd laugh.
Satish continued, “My only regret is that I was not able to build a house for Raji. I wanted to build a big, independent home for her. But all I could afford was this flat.”
Raji smiled at her husband. “Don’t worry. I don’t want an independent house. I am very happy in this apartment. I have so many friends here! It would have been lonely in an independent house.”
“That is true. It is nice to live in a good society,” said someone else.
“And independent houses are so expensive.”
Satish said regretfully, “Yes. And unfortunately, neither me nor Raji came from money. Unfortunately.” He shook his head before he grinned largely at the crowd.
“We did very well in spite of that!” Raji replied.
Satish said, “I know. But when I look at some of my colleagues who did manage to build their own houses…”
Kalpana said consolingly, “Probably they had rich spouses. Not everyone made money on their own. I think for some people, it is easier to marry into money.”
Raji quipped, “And it is even more advantageous if their married life did not last. I mean…if the person passed away...”
“The quickest way to riches!” Kalpana declared. And they both laughed heartily.
Rachanna was about to put a piece of cake into her mouth when she noticed Raji look directly at her. Rachanna’s hand stopped midway, and her heart stopped beating for a few moments. She felt a wave of anxiety passed through her. Her palms turned sweaty and she had difficulty breathing. She brought her hand down, but still looked pale. Raji looked away and was talking to someone else. But Rachanna did not get any better.
The conversation in the living room had moved on to other topics and yet, the way Raji had looked at her stayed in Rachanna’s mind, making her more and more uncomfortable by the minute. After attempting to let it pass for a few minutes, Rachanna discarded her hardly eaten snacks on the table, excused herself and left the party. With a heavy heart, she dragged herself home.
After reaching home, she curled up on the bed without even changing out of her saree. An hour later, Asmee came back home. But Rachanna wasn’t feeling any better. She found that she lacked the energy to even rustle up a simple dinner for Asmee.
So, she ordered in and went back to bed, leaving Asmee to watch TV. Rachanna was vaguely aware of Asmee taking the food delivery. Asmee called out to her but try as she might, Rachanna could not move a muscle. So, when Asmee came to check on her, she pretended to be asleep. The child left her alone and Rachanna heard the sounds of Asmee having dinner all by herself. She wanted to give company to her daughter but had absolutely no energy to do so.
She was still curled up when Asmee came to bed. After Asmee was asleep, Rachanna finally allowed herself the luxury of letting her heart crumble into pieces. She let her tears flow and drench the pillow. That night, she cried herself to sleep.