Chapter 14
R achanna was on her way to her workstation after lunch when she received a call.
“Hey!”
“Hi, Anirudh!” Rachanna greeted, looking around guiltily. There was no one around.
“Busy?”
“Not for you.”
There was a pause. Then, he said, “Don’t say stuff you don’t mean.”
“Okay,” replied Rachanna, smiling to herself.
“So, are you busy?”
“Not for you.”
Anirudh laughed. “Right. Look! Valentine’s Day is around. Do you want to go out for dinner?”
Rachanna bit her lips. Valentine’s Day? That would mean they could no longer even pretend to be just friends. Not even to each other. Not that they really could after the way Anirudh had kissed her forehead… But still…
“Valentine’s Day? Is that the…”
“Tenth anniversary of the first time we met? Yes.”
Rachanna felt pleased. She thought of the night she’d met Anirudh in Goa for the first time—the décor, the fireworks, the love songs that played through the night.
She sighed. “I cannot. I have Asmee.”
“Leave her with Bhanu or someone else.”
“Everyone else will have plans for Valentine's Day.”
“Let’s go for lunch, then.”
“Hmm…”
“I have to make a reservation. Hmm is not an answer.”
She laughed. “Okay. Lunch then.”
“Alright. I have to look for restaurants near your office…”
“No! No. We can go somewhere far away from here. I’ll take an off for the whole day.”
“Hmm.”
“What?” Rachanna asked.
“It is not as romantic as it sounds, right? You just don’t want anyone to see us together.”
She laughed. “You caught me.”
“Crazy lady! I will message you the details.”
“Okay. Can’t wait,” replied Rachanna, beaming now.
“Yeah. Me too. Bye.”
“Bye.”
***
As they settled at the table reserved for them, Rachanna asked, “Did you spot anyone we know?”
They were in a restaurant out of the city. On one side of the restaurant was a large window that overlooked a swimming pool. The tables were covered with a white tablecloth and were surrounded by white and maroon chairs. The décor looked charming from the hanging lights, the red and pink balloons, and the golden streamers. A single red rose was placed in the centre of each table, along with a couple of red candles. The cutlery was held together by a red ribbon that had ‘Love’ printed all over it.
Anirudh looked at her and laughed. “What are you so scared of? We are just meeting for lunch!”
Rachanna shook her head in disbelief. “On Valentine’s Day?”
“So?”
“There is nothing for you to be scared of. If anyone sees us together, that’s it…”
“What? What are they going to do?”
“They are going to talk! And do you know how damaging that can be?”
Anirudh scoffed. “That’s it? Talk? You are scared of their ‘talk’?”
Rachanna shrugged in exasperation. “You have no idea, do you? It is not easy being a single mom. If people start questioning my character, consider how it will affect Asmee. I don’t want that…”
“Hmmm…” replied Anirudh, picking up the menu card.
She narrowed her eyes at him. “You have no idea what I am talking about, do you? God! Guys are so privileged in ways you cannot even begin to comprehend.”
Anirudh smiled at her. “Actually, I do get the part about people talking about you.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You do?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“How come?”
Anirudh’s smile faded and his eyes were filled with something akin to sadness. A sadness that Rachanna could not bear to look at. Her heart pained even when she did not yet know what it was that pained him. But she could recognise the all too familiar hurt that he seemed to be feeling.
“What happened, Anirudh?” She asked with concern.
The waiter arrived with menu cards. After placing their order, Rachanna asked him again.
“Six months ago, I was at the very top, Rachanna. Very top! I was leading a very successful company along with my partner, Karan. Karan was my friend for more than fifteen years. My college mate. And the company was doing extraordinarily well too. We were minting money left, right and centre.”
“And?”
“My personal life was amazing too. I was engaged to this great girl, Anshu. She was working as an editor in a fashion magazine. She was very successful in her career too. A brilliant girl. We were all set to be married. We were getting all the arrangements done for the wedding when…”
“When?”
“A month before the wedding, a video went viral. Of Anshu and Karan together…”
“Oh my God!” Rachanna gasped, her hand going over her mouth.
Anirudh shook his head. “I would not believe it at first. I thought it was morphed or something like that…”
“It was not?”
Anirudh shook his head. “No! I confronted them and they did not even attempt to deny. They said it just happened and then they apologised.”
“Oh God!”
“Imagine. Two people I trusted the most in the world…”
“What did you do, then?”
Anirudh shrugged. “Called off the wedding. Sold my share of the company. Became a recluse.”
“But…but why did you have to run away? You did not do anything wrong.”
He shrugged again. “I could not bear to be around anyone I knew. I hated the looks of pity. I hated how people looked at me like I was a fool. I hated everyone around me. Everyone…”
“Oh!” Rachanna took a deep breath before she said, “I am so sorry you had to go through that…”
“Maybe it was just karma. You were married when we…”
Rachanna looked guilty as she nodded. “You did not know that…”
“I didn’t! But still, it was an affair…”
Rachanna sighed. “Yeah.”
“Still…”
“No ‘still’. You did not cheat. You did not even know I was married. I was the only one who cheated. The fault was entirely mine.”
They were silent for a few minutes.
Rachanna said, “Look! I know this might sound hollow but every incident has a silver lining. You just cannot see it now as you are too close to it. Something good will come out of this. Trust me. God stops you from climbing not to stop you altogether but to force you to rest, so you can climb higher.”
Anirudh scoffed and shook his head. “Let’s talk about something else.”
Rachanna nodded. He was still too close to the incident to see any rationale behind it.
“What kind of a man was your husband?” Anirudh asked, changing the course of their conversation.
“Samay was the best guy in the whole world,” replied Rachanna in a matter-of-fact tone.
He looked taken aback. “Then why did you…?”
Rachanna sighed. “I was drunk. I was an idiot. I was…” She paused and shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably cursed. I have no excuse.”
“Did Samay know?”
“Of that night? Oh my God, no! I pretended to be the perfect wife till the very end.”
Anirudh smiled. “Thank God for small mercies.”
Rachanna covered her eyes with her hand as she tried to quell the turmoil she felt every time she thought of her one-night stand with Anirudh.
“It is the worst incident in my entire life,” said Rachanna, as fresh pain shot through her heart. “I am only glad that Samay passed away without knowing. Every time I think about what I have done, I just want to kill myself…”
The appetisers arrived and they were busy eating for the next few minutes.
Then, Anirudh asked, “Do you think Anshu would feel bad about what she did to me? As bad as you are feeling now?”
Rachanna looked at him and shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“If she does, maybe then… I mean, if she truly repents… Do you think I should…”
She was shocked he should ask that. “No, Anirudh. Stay away from girls like us. You deserve better.”
Anirudh looked at her, bemused.
Rachanna caught the look and asked, “What?”
“Was there anyone other than me?”
She gasped. “No! Oh my God, no! I have enough guilt to last a lifetime and more. I don’t need any more reasons.”
“Not even after he passed away? It’s been a long time, right?”
“Six years, and the answer is no!” She chuckled before she continued, “I would have been offended if anyone else had asked me that. But I guess you have earned the right to ask me that question. The honest answer is no. There have only been two guys in my entire life. Samay and you.”
Rachanna flushed as she said that, and Anirudh smiled. “So, if you had to do it all over again, you won’t? I mean…with me…”
She was taken aback. She pondered the question. Then she hesitated as she said, “I…I don’t know…”
Anirudh laughed. “It was a good night.”
Rachanna fixed her gaze on him and nodded. “It was.”
“Do you think about that night?”
She looked flustered. “Please…let’s not go there...”
“Alright.”
Relieved, she said, “Thanks!”
A few minutes later, Anirudh asked, “Really? You never think about that night?”
Rachanna smirked before she asked, “Do you know how much that night changed my entire life?”
“It did?”
“Of course, it did. I was happily married. True, my husband was not well. We did have some terrible times, but I loved him. And he loved me. To get drunk and do something like that… I never thought I was capable of doing that in a million years. And do you know how guilty I feel? It’s like…I have been consumed by guilt ever since. Every time I looked at my husband, I wanted to kill myself. And that guy.
“He trusted me so much. He trusted me and loved me till his very end. To think I betrayed him like this. Sometimes, I just want to kill myself. Just get it done and over with. Only then will I be free of this enormous weight that is on my heart constantly. But then, Asmee has no one else. Who will take care of her? I am living for her. And do you know what my most cherished dream is? That one day Asmee will get settled in her life and that she won’t need me anymore. Then, I will be free to finally take my life. To end all this. To go to my husband and beg for his forgiveness.”
“Rachanna!” Anirudh exclaimed, stunned by how Rachanna was getting carried away by such raging emotions.
“It is true. What I did was terrible… I can never forgive myself and I cannot hope anyone else to forgive me either. That is why I don’t want anyone to know about that night. I have not shared it with another soul and I won’t either. From that day onwards, I have prayed for one thing only. That I should never meet you.”
“God! It must have been a shock to see me then, and as your neighbour no less.”
“Oh God, it was. It was as if my entire life was crumbling in front of my eyes…”
“I didn’t have any intention to disturb your life, Rachanna…”
“I know that now. But I did not know it then… When I saw you that first time, I was dead scared…”
“You know, you have to get over it. That one night cannot control your entire life.”
“How can I? What I did was unforgivable. I have no excuse for what I did. None. That night changed my entire life. My entire life, Anirudh. All my confidence left me. I am scared all the time. I have this huge guilt and the accompanying worry and sadness is killing me little by little every day…”
“Rachanna, it can happen to anyone. You have to forget it and move on.”
“I cannot. But do you know the one silver lining in all this? I am so glad Samay passed away without learning the truth. If he had known… God! It would have killed him worse. It would have made the rest of his life miserable. He would have died hurting. I am glad that at least he was spared that shame.”
“Rachanna!” Anirudh said, shocked.
She controlled her emotions. She buried her face in her hands. After a few moments, she looked up. She had herself in control again. She smiled and said, “Sorry. I did not mean to ruin our lunch.”
“It’s okay. I just did not realise the intensity of your emotions when it came to that night…”
“I am sorry. Sorry!” She replied, sighing. “Let’s talk about something else.”
After they had finished their main course in silence, Rachanna asked, “So, are you here in Chennai for good?”
“This place?” He asked and shrugged. “I don’t know. As of now, yes. But…I don’t know for certain.”
“You must be very close to your grandmother to move to take care of her.”
“Yeah, I guess. My parents are in London. I don’t have anyone else. She does not have anyone else. Now that I don’t have anything else to do, I might as well spend some time with her.”
“Spending time with her and moving to live close to her are two entirely different things.”
He nodded. “I know. I needed a new place. I needed a new life.”
“You know what you need?”
“Yeah?”
“You need a new purpose in life. Once you find it, everything else will fall into place.”
Anirudh looked at her and smiled slightly as he thought over what she had said. “A purpose.”
“Yes.”
He laughed. “Oh God! Where will I go for that?”
“I don’t know,” she said and shrugged. “Sadly, they don’t sell it online.”
He laughed. “Too bad. I buy everything online. If it is not available online…I don’t know… Are you sure it is not available online?”
Rachanna laughed. “I am sure. I checked. Believe me!”
And they both started to laugh.
Anirudh then said, “Bad girl! You have Asmee. What else do you need in life?”
“Yeah, you have a point there. I don’t need anything else. You have no idea. I wake up every day and go to bed every day extremely grateful for that child. I don’t know what I would have done without her.”
“She is a very good girl. I love her so much…”
Rachanna looked at him and sighed. “Keep away from her, Anirudh. You only get me.”
Anirudh looked at her, amazed. “Really? I get you?”
“I mean…as a friend,” replied Rachanna, looking embarrassed.
Anirudh laughed.
They were lost in each other’s eyes for a moment before Rachanna looked away.
“I think about that night a lot…” said Anirudh, a tenderness in his voice.
“Anirudh! Please!”
“What? It was the best night of my life. I don’t have any shame in acknowledging that.”
Rachanna flushed and shook her head.
He asked, “What? I am not saying it for the heck of it and you know that too. You said the same thing that night.”
She was shocked. “I so did not.”
Anirudh looked straight into her eyes. “You did.”
“I did?” She asked as she placed her hand on her forehead in despair. “Oh my God! What did I say?”
“You said, and I quote, ‘This is the best sex I have ever had’.”
“I so did not!” She repeated.
Anirudh laughed. Then, he looked her in the eye and said, “You did. A guy does not forget something like that.”
Rachanna buried her face in her hands. “Shucks! God!” After a few minutes, she looked up at him and said, “I was so drunk. I could have said anything.”
“You could have said anything, yes. And yet, you only said that.”
Rachanna flushed again. “Let’s not…please.”
Anirudh laughed and nodded. “Fine.”
The rest of their lunch went uneventfully.
***
After Anirudh parked his car in their basement, he turned to her and said, “Well, Happy Valentine’s Day!”
“Happy Valentine’s Day!”
He tucked a tendril of her hair behind her ear, and said gently, “This lunch we had…”
“Yeah?” She asked expectantly, looking deep into his eyes.
“It was the worst Valentine’s Day lunch ever.”
Rachanna burst out laughing. “I could not agree more. The worst!”
“In the history of Valentine’s Day lunches, it has to be the worst…”
Rachanna laughed harder. He smiled, looking at her and then sighed. “But I have never felt this good in a long time.”
Her smile faded as she nodded. “Yeah, me too.”
They looked at each other tenderly. They had shared with each other a part of their lives they were too ashamed to share with anyone else. And by doing so, they had offered the deepest parts of their souls to the other. They had never felt closer. It was as if their souls had touched and mingled with each other. It was as if they were one soul existing in two bodies.
She looked around at the basement and said, “Let’s go before someone comes.”
They stepped out of the car.
Rachanna said, “Thank you again...for the lunch!”
Anirudh nodded as he moved closer to her. She covered the rest of the distance to give him a light hug. It had been more of a reflex action than a planned one. It felt most natural for her to do it. As if there was no reason they shouldn’t.
She murmured, “Happy Valentine’s Day again!”
She attempted to step back after the hug, but he still held her to him. She looked at him. He bent his head closer to hers and whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”
As she caught his breath on her skin, she sucked in the air through her mouth and held her breath in her chest, waiting…
He sensed her expectation and bent forward to kiss her softly. When his lips touched her cheek, electricity coursed through her body. She closed her eyes as his moustache pricked her. Goosebumps erupted on her hands.
It was a simple kiss. But it was a kiss that consumed her and made her completely euphoric. A feeling that she had long forgotten. He pulled her closer and as her body hit his, she felt like she had suddenly burst into flames and all she was, was a quivering mass of fire, burning between his hands. Her heartbeat increased each time she sensed his breath on her skin, igniting her.
She wanted to kiss him back. She wanted to hug him tight and never let him go. She wanted the world to stop so that she could feel his breath on her skin, his kiss on her cheek and his hands on her body forever.
A honk from faraway rudely brought her back to earth. She opened her eyes. With a self-control that she did not realise she possessed till then, she moved away. And this time, he withdrew his hand. She was heaving as she whispered, “Bye!”
“Bye.”
She could not meet his eyes. Because she knew that if she did, she would easily lose whatever self-control she’d magically mustered. Her heart still beating faster than it ever had, she turned and rushed towards the lift, glad that there was no one else in the basement.