Love by Deception

Chapter 24

R achanna and Anirudh were sitting on the couch. She held the box in her lap, lost in thought.

“Are you thinking about the code? Can it be a birthday or your anniversary?”

“No,” said Rachanna, shaking her head. “I am not thinking about the number. I know the number. 1805. It is the date we first met.”

“Then? What are you waiting for?”

Rachanna looked at him and smiled. “I am terrified of what it might hold.”

“Open it,” egged Anirudh.

“Yes… just two minutes. You don’t know what this is like. It is like him reaching out of his grave and communicating with me…”

Anirudh patted her shoulder. “Take your time.”

A few minutes later, Rachanna mustered the courage and entered the code. The box clicked open. Inside, a USB was carefully placed on the velvet lining. They took the USB, went into Samay’s room and plugged it into the computer. There was only one file in the drive. A video. Rachanna opened it. Samay’s face loomed large as he looked into the camera and smiled hesitatingly. She paused the video.

“Anirudh…” she said, her heart racing.

“Yes?”

“Would you mind terribly if I saw this alone? I don’t know what he is about to say…”

“Actually, I was about to suggest it myself,” replied Anirudh.

Rachanna sighed gratefully. After Anirudh closed the door behind him, she played the video.

“Hi darling…” Samay said then hesitated. Like what he was doing was very tough. Then, he looked down and grinned sheepishly. Her heart gave way. He looked so incredibly handsome. The video was from his better days. He looked up, still grinning. And then he shrugged.

“What I am about to do is very hard. I think it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But it needs to be done.”

He took a deep breath. “Well…if you are seeing this video, I guess I am no longer with you. I have left you all alone with our daughter. I did not have a choice, though it breaks my heart to leave you both alone and just go to heaven. But if I did have a little bit of choice in my afterlife, I would gladly leave heaven to just hang around you guys even if it means just watching you. That would be my true heaven. To just watch you guys be…”

Tears were pouring down her face.

“Well. I guess you are trying to transfer the properties that I have willed in your name to my parents. I knew this would happen one day…” he said and then smiled properly, “…and I know the reason why you are trying to do that, too. I guess you are trying to move on in your life. That’s amazing. I am happy for you. But before getting into that, let me address something very important. I really want to thank you for staying in our marriage and in my life. Even today, when I vomited in the living room, you cleaned the mess without flinching.”

His lips quivered as he continued, “I know these are some real horrible years. Even now, I can see how much you are struggling, and I can only guess that the struggles will toughen going forward. There are going to be some very hard days ahead. Undoubtedly. I know that. I have been warned. And so have you. Multiple times. And yet you refuse to leave.”

He shrugged again. “Frankly, I don’t get why. The going is difficult right now and it will get more difficult. And yet you… What can I say? I am just very overwhelmed that you love me so much. I don’t know what I did to deserve you…but really, thank you so much. I know I am not expressing my thanks directly to you to your face…

“I want to, but I am finding it difficult. I am constantly in pain, and it messes with my head and I forget to be grateful sometimes. I use harsh words. I scold you for my pain. I am sorry. That is all I can say. I am very grateful for everything that you are doing for me, and I am very, very sorry to put you through all this.”

He paused to take a deep breath. “I know it is very difficult. It has been so from the onset of my disease. In the initial days, when I was unable to accept the diagnosis, I behaved abominably with you. I realise that. I was cruel to you. I mistreated you…as if you were somehow responsible for my condition. And yet you went ahead with the marriage.

“I know I did nothing to deserve that! I don’t know why I treated you the way I did. I did not think you were responsible. Of course not. How could you be responsible? But I blamed the entire world and God and took out all my anger on the one person I could take it out on. You.”

He sighed. “I am sorry for that too. When I finally accepted my diagnosis, the physical symptoms became severe. And you have shouldered all the burden very bravely. Very, very bravely. I don’t know why. There is nothing I can offer you except misery. And you still stick around…”

He began to tear up, so he paused for a few moments before he continued, “I want to tell you that you and our daughter are the best things that have happened to me in my life. You have no clue how much happiness I get out of you both. Just to spend some time with you. Just to watch you both move around in the house. Just to listen to you both talk. Just to hold my daughter in my arms…

“That is true happiness. That is ecstasy. If there has been happiness in my life in the last few years, it has solely been because of you and Asmee. I want to establish this first before I talk about other things. You both mean the world to me. Especially our daughter. I don’t know if anyone will love you as much as I do. Maybe they will. But I can guarantee that no one on this planet will ever love our daughter as much as I do. No one. She is mine and I am so very happy for her. So very grateful.”

He paused and took a sip of water. “But I know she is not my daughter.”

Rachanna went pale at the declaration. Her eyes went wide. She fell into the chair as the video continued to play.

Samay let out a rough chuckle. “I know. I remember the time just before you got pregnant. I had been suffering from too many mood swings. We had frequent fights. I wanted to do right by you, but I just could not. You were suffering and so was I. And that was when Bhanu came over and asked me if she could take you along for a short trip.

“I was very reluctant to let you go but I knew that a little bit of distance would do us both a lot of good. And you deserved the break. You were suffering more from my diagnosis than me and you certainly deserved a break. I remember what I told you when I convinced you to go on that trip. I told you, ‘Forget you are married to me. Forget that you are married at all. Just go out as if you were single and enjoy your life. Enjoy as if I am not a part of your life’.

“I honestly wanted you to make new friends, drink and just have fun. I mean…I even remember saying that if you met some guy and you both flirted or danced, it would be perfectly fine with me. Because I know you have never dated anyone. I remember thinking that you deserved it. You needed to let your hair down and have some reckless fun.”

He then sighed.

“Then you came back from that trip. And I could see a significant difference in you. All your stress was somehow gone. You looked free, like a lot of the resentment and anger that you harboured in your heart had left. You looked lovelier...lively... more alive that I had seen you in a long time. It was as if you had been dead for a long time, and you suddenly got a new lease of life. You had changed, mentally and physically. You were softer, more caring, more loving. You were more attentive and I just thought that the trip had done you a great lot of good.”

He sighed.

“I also noticed something else. You avoided looking me in the eye. You avoided all talk about the trip. I could not understand why. And then, within a month, we found out you were pregnant. I was ecstatic. So euphoric that I could finally leave something in this world that actually meant something. You don’t know what it meant to a dying man.

“To leave a child behind. I was so, so very happy. I told everyone I knew. But it was much later when I realised that you were not as happy as I was. I initially thought it was because you would have to raise the child all on your own. I thought maybe you had planned to move on after me and marry someone else. But at the same time, I also saw that you were happy when you saw me happy. I was very confused by your behaviour. But then, I finally I realised what I saw in your ever-evading eyes.”

He sighed. “Guilt…”

“ And that afternoon, everything just fell into place. Your guilt. Your trip. Your extra attentiveness. Everything fell into place. The child was not mine. I knew it for sure. I knew it even when I went to the doctor to get myself tested. They confirmed what I already knew. It was physically not possible for me to father a child.”

He sighed again and looked away from the camera. She broke down.

He continued, “I was heartbroken. Never in my life would I have expected you to betray me. Never. Of everything in this world, the one thing that I was the most sure of…was your love. I could not digest it. I could not. How could you? You, of all the people in the world… How could you?

“I was so depressed that I went to my parents for a month. You remember that month, right? I told you I wanted to spend some time with my parents. But I just wanted a place to behave abominably till I pulled myself together. I did not tell my parents and let them assume that I was physically going through a hard time.

“I refused to take your calls. I know you kept calling my parents and checking up on me. I overheard my parents talk to you. I asked you not to come by and you complied with my request. Like always. But irrespective of the agony that I went through in that time, by the end of that month, I had realised two things. One, I was absolutely crazy about you and loved you just the same in spite of your unfaithfulness.

“I realised I could not live without you, and I missed you so very much every moment I was spending away from you. Two…I realised you love me too. Else why would you still stick when you had no reason to? You could have listened to your parents and called off our wedding. You never did. After marriage, when you realised the hell I was putting you through, you could have left me.

“But you didn’t. I was not able to give you anything and yet you stayed. And to stick with me would have been impossible without that much love. I realised that irrespective of your affair, we both loved each other and still do.”

He smiled as he said, “And with that realisation, my grief was replaced by a far more dangerous emotion. Fear. I was terrified that you would leave me then. I prayed that it should have only been a one-time affair and hoped it had ended. What if you wanted to have a life and this child with the real father? What if you left me alone to fend for the last bit of my life by myself? How will I survive without you? How will I survive without the child? I was scared. I was so scared that one day you’d walk in and demand a divorce.”

He paused. “But you did not. I came back to our house, and I could only see the guilt that you were carrying in your heart. I am sorry to say that I was relieved to see you guilty. It actually meant that you will not be leaving me. It meant that the transgression did not involve love.”

He shook his head before he continued, “But seeing you guilty was a different sort of agony. I was happy you were repenting but sadder that you were hurting. I saw how much you were hurting. I saw you break down often. I had heard you sobbing in the shower so many times. Do you know how many times you have cried in your sleep?

“I always comfort you and you go right back to sleep. You were pregnant and you were crying all the time. But I could not do anything. I had to harden my heart and not say anything to you. How could I? If I told you I knew about the affair, you’d insist on doing the right thing. You will insist on leaving me.

“You will never agree to let me be a father to this child. It was heart-breaking to see you crying but I had to harden my heart. If I told you I knew, you might be relived of your guilt, but I would never get to spend the rest of my life with you and that child.”

He paused for a long time. “So, I pretended not to know. I agree, I was selfish. Very, very selfish. I let a pregnant lady suffer in her pregnancy. It is not that I did not think about you and thought only about myself. It was not that. I knew what you were undergoing but I genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and that child. You have to understand why I did that. When a man is at the very end of his life, he will grasp at whatever happiness he can find. So, I grasped at it.

“Do not hate me for it. I only did it because I had no other option. I wanted you and that child. I would not have been able to cope without you both. And for torturing you like that, I decided I had to make it up to you. I became all the more caring,” he said and laughed bitterly. “Well, relatively. You have to accept I got relatively better. And I promised that I would be the best father to that child.”

By now, tears were streaming down his eyes. She was sobbing too.

“And till now, I have been that. It was the best decision of my entire life. I love Asmee. You have no idea how much joy she is bringing me in the final days of my life. I am having some very happy last few years. Or maybe months. I don’t know. I have a wonderfully loving wife and I have an adorable child.

“I think that despite the physical pain I have been enduring for the last couple of years, I have never been happier. I have truly enjoyed life in the last two years. Our trips together. Our date nights. Us huddling on a rainy day, just talking. Doing nothing but watching Asmee play. Teaching her to talk and throw ball. And I have only you to thank for all that.”

Samay looked into the camera for a long time and then said, “I want to tell you something else here too. There was an ancient law in Hinduism. If the wife becomes pregnant by someone else while she is still married, the child belongs to the husband only. That is how the Pandavas were the sons of Pandu even though he did not impregnate Kunti.

“That is how Pandu and Dhritarashtra were the sons of Vichitravirya and not Vyasa. That is how, well, you can see where I am going with this. So, according to this ancient tradition, Asmee is my child. You can check. This ancient law has been called into force throughout our mythological history. Check anywhere.”

He took a sip of water and then said, “Asmee is mine. You cannot take that away from me. No one has made me as happy as she has. Not even you. And I want to give her everything I can. I want Asmee to have a good start in life. I want her to be well-provided for. It is the least I can do for her. And I want you to be well-provided for too.

“Even if you quit your job, just a fraction of my property will be enough to provide you with a royal life. Not that I am suggesting you quit your job. You do what makes you happy. But I don’t want either of you to ever have to worry about money.

“I will rest peacefully only if I was assured of that. That is why I am making this video to be shown to you after my death. Well, not exactly after my death but when and if you ever try to return the properties I have left to you both. I am not asking my parents to show you this video until then. Because you probably would have lived life thinking I did not know the truth about Asmee’s parentage.

“I did not want to tell you that I knew about her until it was absolutely necessary. Because then I had to tell you how much I suffered when I got to know. I did not want to let you know about that. I know that it will pain you terribly. I wanted to give you the satisfaction of believing that I died without knowing.

“But if you are returning the properties that I willed to you both, you are forcing my hand here. I have to tell you the truth. Because your action can have only one reason. You are moving on. And you think Asmee does not deserve my inheritance because she is not my child.”

Rachanna was shedding copious tears. She brushed them away only to make way for fresh tears.

Samay said, “You are wrong. I know that child is not biologically mine. But she is my daughter. She is my parents’ granddaughter. You cannot take that away from us. No one will love her as much as we do. Not even her own father. Not even you. She will have everything I left you. And she will inherit everything from my parents. She will carry our name forward. You have to give me that. Please!”

There was a pause during which he got a grip on himself.

“In the Mahabharata, Krishna tells a story to the Pandavas. A hunter called Valaka once shot an arrow at a creature drinking from a pond. Later, when he realised that the creature was blind, he was filled with remorse. While he stood weeping at what he had done, flowers fell from the heavens blessing him. The Devas appeared and told him that the creature he destroyed was actually a demon intending to destroy the world. So, in fact, he had saved the world. So, the moral is…sometimes an action that we think is wrong turns out to be right.”

He ran his hand over his face. “There is another story. About a sage called Kaushika. He saw four people running and hiding behind a tree. Behind them, a man came running and asked the sage if he had seen the four people. Kaushika, who never lied, told him the truth and pointed to the tree. The man was actually a dacoit. He found the four people, robbed them and killed them. For this act, Kaushika was dragged to hell. Thus…sometimes an action that we think is right turns out to be wrong.

“You thought you were doing right by marrying me. But it turned out to be wrong. You suffered for it. I suffered to see you suffer. Then, you had the affair. We all thought it was wrong. But it turned out to be good. Asmee did us all a whole lot of good. She gave me happiness. I was finally happy that I was not leaving you all alone in this world. She gave me a purpose to live. The same purpose that she will give you…after me. Like I said, sometimes what we all think to be wrong, turns out to be right.”

He stopped for a moment then went on, “I think it is a lesson to all of us. Sometimes things are not what they seem. And you cannot have a few specific rules to cover each and every scenario. People differ, scenarios change… rules should also change. Nothing is in our hands. Everything is decided by the cosmos.

“The good, the bad, every tiny thing. We have to accept that the infinite occurrences of the universe cannot be figured out by the limited human mind. We just have to surrender unconditionally, sometimes even in the absence of evidence, to the truth of the cosmos. That is true faith! And I believe that truly.”

He sighed and then said, “I love you so, so very much. I really do. I don’t care you made a mistake one night. I am so grateful that you were with me…solid…by my side for the rest of my time. I am so grateful that you chose to continue to love me even when the going got tough. I am so grateful that you let me believe that that child was mine.

“I am so grateful that you gave me the choice to be so genuinely happy in my last few years. Of all my decisions in life, I think the best one was to get married to you. Let go of that guilt that you have about the affair that you had. If you think about it, it was one of the best things to have happened in our lives. We got a daughter! And for that, I am enormously thankful to you. And please know that I have forgiven you. Don’t worry yourself with unnecessary guilt. It was a mistake. It can happen to anyone. Please try to forgive yourself and live a little. You deserve it!”

He finally smiled. There was a peaceful look in his eyes as he said, “I hope you will fulfil my wishes. And for God’s sake, move on. You have suffered enough being married to me. You have suffered enough for what you had done. I have forgiven you. But you have not. Learn to forgive yourself. You deserve it. Trust me! You completely deserve it. I hope you move on and find your happiness. And look after Asmee. She is our number one priority. I don’t have to tell you that, right?”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Take care of our daughter.” He then winked at the camera. “I know you will, but as a father, I will fret.”

He sat back and closed his eyes. “Uff! That was freaking exhausting. But I am so happy I was able to tell you all this. I am going to turn it off now. Sayonara!” He blew her a kiss. “I love you both. Be happy!”

Her face was blotched with tears by the time the video ended. She threw her head back on the couch’s rest and wailed. Hearing this, Anirudh rushed into the room.

“What happened?” He asked.

Between gasps of tears, she pointed to the video and said, “You…you should see it…”

Anirudh got her a glass of water first, consoled her and rested her head on his shoulder, patting her. “Better now?”

Rachanna looked at him and smiled. “Yes. Very, very much.”

“Are those happy tears or sad tears?” He asked, worried.

She smiled again. “Both. Both, Anirudh. See this…”

Rachanna replayed the video.