Chapter 8 #2
“Here’s what I have so far,” I said with as much confidence as I could.
“She talked about all the things she’s interested in.
Science, music, art, to name a few. Her list was quite long.
If we made one whole wall basically a blackboard for her, using special paint, she wouldn’t have to feel limited as her interests grew.
Now, she told me she’s fascinated with astronomy right now.
We can hang colorful models of the planets from her ceiling. ”
Miles was quiet as I clicked on more images, so I kept going. “We can get science-related shapes done in pastel neon to put on the walls. Oh, and I was thinking of putting a desk for her to do her schoolwork on one wall, but near her bed, put another one where we can set up her experiments.”
I stood up, excited about my vision, his eyes on me instead of my laptop screen.
“It sounds eclectic, but, well, so is your daughter. She’s so brilliant! The way she was expressing herself, her mix of diva and rock star. I mean, she’s amazing. Her mind is…how do I explain it? She’s so full of love and heart and peace, but then her ideas are fun, chaotic.”
I was waving my hands as I always did when I got excited. Finally, I took a breath to calm my erratic behavior. “Sorry. I just adore her, and I’ve only met her once. Miles, she’s just incredible. I want so badly to give her the room of her dreams.”
He looked up at me with an expression that caught me off guard. It was full of wonder and joy. Yet his blue eyes shimmered with unshed tears. My eyebrows furrowed in concern.
“Whoa, did I say something wrong? Go too far? I’m sorry. Guess I got carried away.”
He leaned back on the sofa, lifting his face to the ceiling. My throat went dry as I watched him anxiously. “Miles?”
He shook his head and slowly lowered his face, his eyes locked on mine. “How do you do that?” he whispered.
I sat down quickly next to him but didn’t touch him, his eyes following my motion.
“Do what? If this isn’t what you want, we can change it.” I thought he seemed to like my ideas, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“Vicky.” He took a deep breath. “I just really haven’t had many outside of my family recognize those things in MJ before. She is incredible. She amazes me every day. Most days I don’t think I can keep up with her,” he said through a shaky chuckle, discreetly wiping his eyes as he turned away.
“Anyone who can’t see what a treasure she is can’t be looking too hard. She won me over in just a few hours.”
I wanted to reach out and hold his hand like he had done for me earlier.
What was this connection we shared? It made no sense.
We were eight years apart, from different countries.
I was an inexperienced college graduate, and Miles had lived a whole life with a wife and child.
Yet, in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to ease his pain.
So I did the only thing I was allowed to do.
“Hey, you’re an incredible father. MJ has thrived and understands she’s free to learn and grow because of the love you've nurtured with her. You accept her for who she is and have apparently tried not to limit her. That’s why she feels comfortable trying new things.
You’ve given her wings and a safe place to land if she fails. ”
He turned back toward me, no longer worried about the tears that were once again filling his expressive eyes.
Those eyes that first caught my attention at the wedding all those months ago.
The ones I had stared at from his photo in my private moments.
The smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
But I had seen his real smile, or at least I thought I had.
Tonight, Miles didn’t look like the tired, soulful, sad man I’d met that night in Positano.
Before this moment, he’d seemed alive and relaxed, joyful even.
I wiped a few tears from his scruffy cheek, my thumb gliding along his face.
The sun was setting, washing the living room in strokes of orange and red like a painting.
The sound of ocean waves crashing onto the shore in the distance was like background music, all of it witnessing our powerful moment that I was terrified would end too soon.
“I…I always feel like I’m failing her. Never enough, no matter how hard I work.” His voice was low, his words broken as he held back emotions that seemed too big for him to voice. I wanted to say the right thing, to validate his feelings, but he was wrong about himself.
“I have a feeling that your daughter thinks you’re more than enough. The way she looks at you. She adores you.” I moved my hand away, but he caught it and held it in his, both of us looking down at them as they rested between us on the sofa.
When I chose this piece of furniture, I imagined him and MJ making memories on it playing games, laughing at books or movies.
But my heart soared at the thought that I was the one sitting here with this incredible man making my own memories.
It was clear, no matter how long I lived, I’d never forget this moment with Miles.
As my gaze stilled on our joined hands, it seemed to sum up our budding connection perfectly. Close but not close enough, both of us carefully touching the boundaries that kept us apart.
“I let her down. I couldn’t keep our family together. She misses her mom, needs her mom.” Miles’ confession broke something deep in my heart. This beautiful man had no idea how wonderful he truly was.
“Having lost my father several years ago, I can understand MJ’s pain in a way.
I know it’s different but it’s still a loss.
But as far as your ex, I have no context to comment on that.
But I know from having loud, opinionated Italian women around me all my life that there’s always two sides to a story,” I answered, hoping to lighten the mood.
His smile was sad and short-lived. His thumb traced my palm, sending shivers over my skin. I wondered if he had any idea what he was doing to me.
“No, this was all me. Katy, my ex. I didn’t make her happy. Couldn’t keep her from leaving.” He shook his head. “I…just wasn’t enough.”
“Again, I have no experience with this but from what I was told, Katy made the decision to leave on her own. I’m sure you did all you could to convince her to stay.
” I blushed and regretted my words instantly.
When he looked up at me with eyes wide, I answered, “I asked about you, too, after the wedding.”
He breathed out a laugh through his nose and nodded. “Then you know she isn’t a part of our lives. Hasn’t been for many years. She tries, but it never sticks. She’s pursuing a career in music. Said it was her real dream and she wanted to be free to make it come true.”
Squeezing his hand, I answered, “Then it sounds to me like you didn’t do anything to make her leave.
She made that decision on her own. I won’t speak badly of someone I don’t know, nor is it my business.
At all. But from what I can see from a distance, you and MJ have created a beautiful life in spite of everything.
Sorry to say, but Katy is the one missing out.
” Worried that I’d said too much, I let the silence surround us.
Wiping the last of his tears, Miles let go of my hand and looked at me sheepishly. “Sorry, I have no idea where all that came from. I must seem like a mess to you.”
“No, not at all. You seem like a man who wants to care for those he loves. It’s a privilege to hear your heart. And you’re not a mess, Miles. You’re amazing.” I couldn’t have stopped the blush that crept over my face if I tried.
“Thank you, Vicky. Thank you for your words. For listening. I think you’re pretty amazing, too.” That building tension, the feeling of electricity that flowed between us whenever we got this close, had started again.
“I hope I didn’t say too much. Having no real experience in love, I probably shouldn’t even have spoken.”
His face was still flushed from his receding emotions, his eyes soft with curiosity.
“You’ve never been in love?”
When I inevitably looked back on this moment, I would blame the fact that we had been so vulnerable with one another more than once tonight. Blamed the fact that he was so close that I feared he could hear my heart as it beat hard against my breastbone.
Before I could filter my words, I let out a humorless laugh and softly answered, “I’ve never even had a boyfriend, much less been in love.”
Miles dipped his head lower as he had done before, his eyes searching mine.
Lifting my head and seeing myself in the reflection of his now clear eyes, I wondered what he thought about my confession.
Inwardly, I groaned, knowing this only reinforced his belief that I was too young for him.
Feeling emboldened by all of this somehow, I decided to get it all out there while I had the courage.
“I, ah, I’ve never even been kissed.” His eyes widened, then immediately darkened as his brows pulled tight and low.
“That’s…not possible.” His eyes dipped to my lips, making my pulse race even faster.
“It is if your brother is Enzo Lazzara,” I jested.
His intense stare was unnerving, but the second those words were out into existence, it was like a bucket of cold water had been poured over him.
He straightened up and leaned back, angling his body away from me.
The moment was over, and we both knew it.
Bringing up my brother’s name was all that was needed.
I was so dumb to have done that. In my defense, although Miles made me feel safe in this space, I was so out of my comfort zone.
Clearing his throat, Miles said, “Um, these sketches are perfect. I can’t wait to share them with MJ. Could you, ah, I guess email them over to me so she can see them, please?”
“Yeah, yes, of course. I’ll send them over tonight when I get back to my place.”
I stood suddenly, feeling like I had suddenly worn out my welcome.
Closing my laptop with trembling hands, I slid it into my bag and slung it over my shoulder, almost knocking myself onto the sofa.
Looking around for my phone, I grabbed it without making eye contact with him. “Thank you again for dinner.”
Miles stood up, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as I looked at him in my peripheral. His strong, warm hands that had held mine twice tonight taunted me as I wished they would hold me once again. He opened his mouth to say something, but I kept up my hurried pace to get out of there.
I wasn’t sure what I had expected to happen tonight. Enzo had been clear when I’d spoken with him a few days before. Anna had been clear when we spoke at the office the other day.
As I rushed to put on my shoes at the door and said a hurried goodbye to Miles when he opened it, two things were clear.
I needed my best friend immediately, as one. The other was much more serious.
Miles Austin was forbidden. I just needed my fragile heart to get on board before it was broken.