Chapter Eleven
Hannah
As I arrive at the beach on Saturday morning, doubts about the wisdom of my decision begin to creep in.
It becomes clear to me right away that kissing Jeremy the other night was a mistake. No one knows about the kiss, but I have a feeling Hirim can sense a change when I stop meeting him at the café before work.
Honestly, that kiss awakened something within me, and I had to use all my self-control to walk away from him that night. However, I am aware that starting anything with Jeremy is not feasible at the moment, due to my confusion about my feelings for him and my recovery from the aftermath of my breakup with Clae.
Clae continues calling me incessantly since the night we met outside Izots, pleading for me to take him back, and although my mind knows it would be a terrible idea, my heart is torn. I loved him deeply, and despite the pain he caused, part of me wants to forget and return to how things were.
The self-help books I’ve been reading imply that my emotions for Clae are not authentic. They propose that my inner child is wounded, and what I truly desire is someone to love me, flaws and all. I know I shouldn’t date anyone until I heal that part of myself.
Yesterday, I made the decision to be honest with Jeremy and tell him that I believe it’s better for us to remain friends. I don’t want to cause him pain, but I know he will soon realize he deserves better.
However, I am starting to waver in my decision because deep down, I hope he will wait for me. I wish that while working on myself, he’ll remain interested in me. Yet, I know it’s a foolish thing to hope for.
I get out of the car and make my way to the beach, where Jeremy is waiting for me to join his class. Today, I make sure to wear a modest, full piece swimsuit, hoping it will be more practical for surfing and less distracting for Jeremy.
As I approach the group, I notice Jeremy’s bright blue shirt in the midst of the sea of fluorescent green. His bright smile upon seeing me causes an aching in my chest.
“It’s great that you could come,” he says politely while I put my beach bag with the others and search for the shirt I used last time in the spare shirt box.
“Don’t forget to take it easy on me,” I playfully remark as I join the rest of the class.
“Alright everyone, Hannah is back with us today and hopefully for the rest of the term. Katie, will you mind being her buddy again for today’s lesson?”
Katie nods with excitement and positions herself next to me.
“Let’s review the lesson and practice on land first,” Jeremy suggests, “before transitioning to the water.”
** *
Once the lesson ends and Jeremy dismisses the rest of the class, I deliberately take my time returning my surfboard and green shirt, hoping that he will have a chance to grab a coffee before his next class, just like last time.
As if reading my intentions, he asks, “Want to grab a coffee again?” He hasn’t bothered to wear a singlet this time, and it takes all my effort not to gaze at his sun-kissed abs.
Remember the plan, Hannah.
“Sure, let me just grab my stuff.”
A quizzical expression crosses his face as he looks at me.
“What?” I question, flinging my sundress over my damp swimwear.
“Don’t you need to get changed?”
“Nah, not if you’re short on time before your next class,” I say, while walking towards the café. He quickly grabs his shirt and then rushes after me.
As we ascend the steep incline from the beach, I tell him while he puts on his shirt, “I’m not sure what you usually order, but I’ll pay for it this time.”
Laughing, he says, “Usually, I have their ‘green with envy’ smoothie to hold me over until lunch, but let me order it as a rush.”
Once we have our orders and settle on a bench, I decide to address the topic of the kiss.
“I want to talk to you about the other night,” I say hesitantly, keeping an eye on his reaction. Jeremy’s gaze, with his piercing blue eyes, meets mine as he waits for me to finish speaking.
“I uhh…didn’t actually drink much that night, and I’m sorry for lying about it…” With my heart pounding, I take a deep breath. “To be honest, I had a total panic attack when I realized what a mistake it was for us to start something, and I didn’t know what to say.”
Despite his attempt to remain calm, I can feel the tension in his jaw, so I continue with my speech.
“If I’m being completely honest, I’m a bit of a mess right now. My ex and I still have some things to sort out, and I’m not in the right place to start anything with you or anyone else at the moment. That’s what I mean when I say I regret getting involved with you. I hope you can understand that,” I quickly add.
Swallowing, he says, “Yeah, I can understand that. Though to be clear, your ex is a dick and doesn’t deserve you.”
“I know, but it’s complicated,” I say with a sigh. “When it comes to relationships, I tend to make poor decisions.” I take another deep breath before adding, “I tend to date guys who treat me poorly, causing me to question my self-worth. Despite being aware that it’s not healthy, I can’t seem to break the cycle. So clearly there’s something wrong with me that I need to work on.”
“Hannah, there’s nothing wrong with you,” he reassures, shaking his head. “You simply attract guys who exploit your insecurities and manipulate you. And I’m sorry for how you’ve been treated. You deserve so much better.”
As we both grow quiet, I start to realize that Jeremy’s feelings for me might go beyond a simple crush.
“I don’t want things to be uncomfortable between us,” I say hesitantly. “So if you’d rather I don’t come to your classes, I understand.”
With a frown, he questions, “Why would I want you to stop attending classes? I made it clear that you would always be welcome.”
“Surprisingly, I find myself enjoying surfing thanks to your great teaching,” I tease .
He chuckles but it sounds a bit off from his usual laugh - somewhat forced - making me question if our rift can be fixed.
I decide not to include the part of my speech where I was going to ask him to wait for me.