Chapter 8 Alex
ALEX
I can't stop thinking about her.
It's like she's taken up permanent residence in my brain, every waking thought and every dream filled with the sound of her laugh, the smell of her perfume, the feel of her skin against mine.
I catch myself zoning out in meetings, my mind wandering to the way she looks when she's coding, her brow furrowed in concentration and her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
I find myself fantasizing about waking up next to her in the morning, her hair mussed from sleep and her eyes soft and warm.
I even start daydreaming about the future, about moving in together and picking out curtains and arguing over whose turn it is to do the dishes. About coming home to her every night, Byte curled up in her lap as she works on her laptop.
It's ridiculous. It's insane. It's completely and utterly terrifying.
Because I'm falling for her. Falling hard and fast and with no end in sight.
And I have no idea what to do about it.
"You've got it bad, man," Sam says one day, shaking his head as he catches me staring off into space for the third time in as many minutes. "I haven't seen you this gone over a girl since college."
I groan, burying my face in my hands. "I know. It's pathetic. I feel like a lovesick teenager."
Sam laughs, clapping me on the shoulder. "Nah, it's not pathetic. It's cute. And honestly, it's about damn time. I was starting to think you were going to die alone, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and dirty laundry."
I flip him off, but I can't help the grin that tugs at my lips. "Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence."
He shrugs, taking a sip of his coffee. "Hey, what are best friends for? But seriously, Alex. You need to tell her how you feel. Before it's too late."
I sigh, leaning back in my chair. "I don't know, man. What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she just sees this as a physical thing, a way to blow off steam?"
Sam gives me a look. "Are you kidding me? Have you seen the way she looks at you? The way she smiles when you walk into the room? Trust me, dude. She's just as gone as you are."
I feel a flicker of hope in my chest, a tiny spark of possibility. Could he be right? Could Paige really have feelings for me, beyond just the physical?
But then I remember the way she always pulls away after we have sex, the way she avoids eye contact and changes the subject when things get too intimate. The way she seems to keep me at arm's length, never letting me get too close.
"I don't know," I say again, shaking my head. "I just...I don't want to ruin what we have. What if I tell her how I feel and she freaks out? What if she thinks I'm just some mindless buffoon who's not good enough for her?"
Sam sighs, setting his coffee down on the table.
"Listen, Alex. I know you're scared. I know it's terrifying to put yourself out there, to risk getting hurt.
But trust me when I say that the alternative is worse.
Living with regret, always wondering what could have been. ..that's no way to live, man."
I nod, my throat tight with emotion. He's right, of course. I know he is. But that doesn't make it any easier.
"I'll think about it," I say finally, my voice barely above a whisper. "I just...I need some time to figure things out."
Sam nods, his expression sympathetic. "Take all the time you need, buddy. But don't wait too long. Life's too short for that kind of thing."
I'm just about to respond when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out, my heart sinking when I see the caller ID.
It's my mom's hospice nurse.
"Hello?" I say, my voice shaking slightly as I answer the call.
"Alex, hi. It's Nurse Jackie. I'm afraid I have some bad news."
I close my eyes, bracing myself for the worst. "Is she...is she okay?"
There's a pause on the other end of the line, a moment of hesitation that feels like an eternity. "She's stable for now, but her condition has deteriorated. We've had to transfer her to long-term care."
I feel like I've been punched in the gut, all the air leaving my lungs in a rush. "Long-term care? But I thought...I thought she was getting better."
Nurse Jackie sighs, her voice gentle but firm. "I'm sorry, Alex. But the cancer has spread. There's nothing more we can do at this point, except keep her comfortable."
I nod, even though she can't see me. "I understand. Thank you for calling me."
We exchange a few more pleasantries before hanging up, but I barely hear any of it. My mind is reeling, my heart aching with the knowledge that my mom, my rock, my everything...is slipping away from me.
I sit there for a long moment, staring at the phone in my hand like it holds all the answers. But of course, it doesn't. Nothing does.
"Alex?" Sam's voice pulls me out of my thoughts, his tone laced with concern. "Everything okay?"
I shake my head, blinking back the tears that threaten to spill down my cheeks. "No. It's my mom. She's...she's not doing well."
Sam's face falls, his eyes filling with sympathy. "Shit, man. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"
I shake my head again, forcing a smile that feels more like a grimace. "No, it's okay. I just...I need to go see her. Make sure she's comfortable, you know?"
Sam nods, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder in a gesture of support. "Of course. Take all the time you need. We'll hold down the fort here."
I nod, my throat too tight to speak. I gather up my things and head for the door, my mind already miles away.
I don't even realize where I'm going until I find myself standing outside Paige's office, my hand raised to knock on the door.
I hesitate, my heart pounding in my chest. I know I should just keep walking, just go see my mom and deal with my feelings for Paige later.
But something stops me. Something deep inside me that craves her comfort, her strength, her unwavering support.
I take a deep breath and knock on the door.
"Come in," she calls, her voice muffled by the wood.
I push the door open and step inside, my eyes immediately seeking her out. She's sitting at her desk, her hair pulled back in a messy bun and her glasses perched on the end of her nose.
She looks up when I enter, her eyes widening in surprise. "Alex. What are you doing here?"
I swallow hard, my mouth suddenly dry. "I just...I needed to see you."
She frowns, concern etching itself onto her features. "Is everything okay?"
I shake my head, the tears I've been holding back finally spilling over. "No. It's my mom. She's...she's not doing well."
Paige's face softens, her eyes filling with compassion. She stands up from her desk and crosses the room in three quick strides, pulling me into her arms.
I bury my face in her neck, breathing in the scent of her perfume and letting the warmth of her body seep into mine. She doesn't say anything, just holds me tight and rubs soothing circles on my back.
And for a moment, just a moment, everything feels okay again.
But then reality comes crashing back in, the weight of my mom's illness and my unspoken feelings for Paige pressing down on me like a physical force.
I pull back, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just barge in here like this."
She shakes her head, her hand coming up to cup my cheek. "Don't apologize. I'm glad you came to me."
I lean into her touch, my eyes fluttering closed. "I just...I don't know what to do, Paige. I feel like I'm losing her, and I can't...I can't breathe."
She makes a soft sound of sympathy, her thumb stroking over my cheekbone. "I know, Alex. I know it's hard. But you're not alone, okay? I'm here for you, whatever you need."
I nod, my throat too tight to speak. I know she means it, knows she would do anything to help me through this.
But I also know that I can't lay this on her, can't burden her with my grief and my pain and my complicated, messy feelings.
So I take a step back, forcing a smile that feels brittle and false. "Thanks, Paige. I appreciate it. But I should probably go. I need to...I need to be with my mom right now."
She nods, understanding in her eyes. "Of course. Take all the time you need. And Alex?"
I pause, my hand on the doorknob. "Yeah?"
She hesitates, like she's not quite sure what to say. "Just...just know that I'm here for you, okay? No matter what."
I nod, my chest aching with the weight of all the things I want to say to her, all the things I can't.
"I know, Paige. Thank you."
And then I'm gone, walking out of her office and out of the building, my heart heavy and my mind spinning.
I spend the rest of the day at the hospice center, sitting by my mom's bedside and holding her hand as she drifts in and out of consciousness. She's weak and frail, her skin pale and her eyes sunken, but she still manages to smile at me when I walk in the room.
"There's my handsome boy," she says, her voice thin and reedy. "I was wondering when you were going to come see your old mom."
I choke back a sob, forcing a smile onto my face. "I'm sorry, Mom. I should have come sooner."
She shakes her head, patting my hand with her own. "Nonsense. You're here now, and that's all that matters."
We sit in silence for a while, the beeping of the monitors and the soft whoosh of the oxygen tank the only sounds in the room. I watch the rise and fall of her chest, the way her eyelids flutter as she fights to stay awake.
"Alex," she says finally, her voice so soft I have to strain to hear it. "Tell me about your life. Tell me about your job, your friends...your girl."
I start, my eyes widening in surprise. "My girl? Mom, I don't...I don't have a girl."
She smiles, a knowing twinkle in her eye. "Don't try to fool your mother, Alexander. I may be sick, but I'm not blind. I can see it in your face, hear it in your voice. You're in love."
I open my mouth to deny it, to tell her she's crazy, but the words won't come. Because she's right. Of course she's right. She's always been able to see right through me, to know me better than I know myself.
"Her name is Paige," I say finally, my voice rough with emotion. "She's...she's a coder at work. Brilliant, stubborn, frustrating as hell. But also...also the most amazing woman I've ever met."
My mom smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners. "She sounds perfect for you."
I laugh, a choked sound that's half sob. "I don't know about that. Half the time I want to strangle her, and the other half...the other half I want to kiss her senseless."
She chuckles, the sound turning into a cough that racks her whole body. I lean forward, concern etching itself onto my features, but she waves me off.
"I'm fine, I'm fine. Just...just promise me something, Alex."
I nod, my throat tight. "Anything, Mom."
She reaches out, taking my hand in her own. Her skin is thin and papery, her bones fragile as a bird's.
"Promise me you'll tell her how you feel. Promise me you won't let your fear hold you back from something that could be...that could be everything."
I feel the tears spill over, running down my cheeks in hot, salty tracks. "I promise, Mom. I promise."
She nods, a satisfied smile on her face. "Good. That's...that's good."
Her eyes flutter closed, her breathing evening out as she drifts off to sleep. I sit there for a long time, holding her hand and listening to the steady beep of the monitors.
And I think about Paige. About her smile, her laugh, the way she makes me feel like I can do anything, be anything.
I think about the future, about all the things I want to do and see and experience with her by my side.
And I know, with a certainty that settles deep in my bones, that I can't let her go. Can't let my fear and my doubt and my insecurity keep me from the one thing I want more than anything in the world.
But I also know that now is not the time. Now, my mom needs me, needs my strength and my love and my unwavering support.
So I push thoughts of Paige to the back of my mind, promising myself that I'll tell her how I feel when the time is right. When my mom is better, when things have settled down, when I can give her my full attention and my whole heart.
But as I sit there in that hospital room, my mom's hand growing cold in my own...
I can't shake the feeling that I'm making a terrible mistake.