Round Thirty-Three #2
“You really think so?” He twists in his seat and peeks toward the Smiths’ house. “Are they dying soon?”
“No!” I bark out a cathartic laugh. “They’re not dying. But someday, eventually, they might want to sell. Don’t you think it would be a great idea if you saved all your money between now and then, so when they’re ready to sell, you’ll be ready to buy?”
“But what if they sell in a year or two?” He drops back into his seat with a harrumph.
And when that isn’t good enough, he climbs across and drops onto my lap instead.
He gives me no choice but to hold his weight, his ear on my shoulder and his long legs dangling over the side of the chair.
Gripping his tooth in his hand, he opens his fingers and peeks at his metaphorical nugget of gold.
“What if they sell too soon and I’m not ready? ”
“Then… maybe I could try to borrow on the equity of my house.” Yeah, right, Magnolia.
You have no equity, stupid. “Or maybe I could talk to your dad, and he would borrow on the equity in his. Or, who knows,” I add with a bright smile, “maybe my business will take off and no one will need loans. Maybe I’ll be insanely rich and famous and I can just give you the cash, since I’ll obviously have loads of it anyway. ”
“Obviously,” he snickers, curling comfortably into my side. “Are you sure you don’t want me to take care of you? Buying a house later isn’t the same as taking care of you now.”
“I’m definitely sure.” I brush the inch-long locks of hair off his brow and press a kiss to his chilled skin.
“I’m playing the long game here, handsome, and my long game means keeping the Smiths healthy for another ten to fifteen years so they’re not tempted to sell too soon.
Once the time is right, we’ll make our move and get you into the real estate market.
That way, when you’re all grown up and you fall in love with someone really special, you’ll be able to take care of them exactly how Molly’s dad takes care of Molly’s mom. ”
He scoffs, dropping his gaze and studying his tooth. “I’m not gonna fall in love with someone else, silly.”
“Why not? Falling in love, and being loved, is the whole point, isn’t it?
I know my life feels a million times better now because you’re in it.
Because I love you and you love me.” I kiss the tips of my fingers with slow, exaggerated movements, then I press them to the middle of his chest. “Loving a boy or a girl our own age feels pretty special, but loving a boy or a girl who is a kid, your own kid, feels sooooo much better. You’ll see someday. ”
“How do you know? You don’t even have kids of your own.”
“No. I don’t.” My head aches from days of overthinking.
From days of hurting and wondering, doubting and denying.
Because I’m in love with Billy Caster, too, but he doesn’t want more children.
“I’ll have my own someday,” I rasp. “When I fall in love with someone else. I’m gonna have lots and lots and lots of them. And in the meantime, I have you.”
His eyes flicker up to mine. “Me?”
“Mm. It doesn’t matter to me that you didn’t come from my tummy.
It just matters that I love being around you.
I love seeing your face, and I especially love baking desserts for you to eat, even when we’re not together.
I love hearing you laugh, and I even love the thud-thud-thud of your tennis balls on my fence when I’m trying to work.
If I could make myself tiny and live in your pocket,” I poke his hip and elicit a fresh giggle, “then I totally would. I bet there’s a lot of dirt and fluff and all sorts of craziness in there. But I would still do it.”
“Do you think you’ll love your real babies more than you love me?” He nibbles on his bottom lip. “Since they would come from your tummy and I didn’t.”
“Nope.” I keep my response easy. Confident.
Even though his question hurts my heart.
“On the contrary. By the time I grow babies in my own tummy, I’ll have had years of loving you.
That’s a huge head start you’ll have on all those other stinkers.
Plus, you’re the first kid I’ve ever loved, and I think that’s kinda special. ”
“But you loved my dad. When he was a kid,” he adds quickly. “So he was the first kid you ever loved.”
“Well…” I stroke the bridge of his nose and luxuriate in the way his lashes come down with each pass. “This is true. But I was a kid, too. Which makes him the first boy I ever loved who was the same age as me. You’re the first boy I ever loved who isn’t.”
“Do you still love my dad?” He forces his eyes open and stops on mine. “Can you fall out of love? Because if you can, then maybe you’ll fall out of love with me, too. Especially when you grow your own baby in your tummy.”
“I have never fallen out of love with anybody. Ever.” I wrap my arm around his hip and hold him close. “I don’t think it’s possible. So you don’t have to worry about that at all.”
“Jeremy.”
I startle and glance up at Billy’s approach, my breath catching in my throat as I follow the long line of his legs, from scuffed boots to trim hips.
I attempt to prepare myself, to be ready for the moment our eyes meet, so I keep my examination slow.
I take my time and work on calming my pounding heart.
But it’s all for naught, because I pass over his broad chest and the stubble he keeps permanently on his chin, until finally, I stop on his hard stare and wish for privacy.
To weep. To grieve. To pray to the universe for this man’s healing, because he deserves so much more than the agony he brings upon himself every single day.
He draws a breath and drops his gaze to his son. “Could you go inside for a minute, buddy?”
“But Dad—”
“I want to talk to Maggie.” He licks his lips, tipping his head toward the house. “Please.”
“No, Dad. Maggie and I are—”
“Now.” He scoops his son straight out of my arms and sets him on his feet. For a single beat, they stare into each other’s eyes, Jeremy’s furious glare, and Billy’s do as you’re told counter. But while they do that, I simply sit, cold from my loss, and aching because I didn’t even get to prepare.
We were still talking.
Huffing, Jeremy digs his hands into his pockets, his shoulders coming up, then he stomps across the icy grass and up his porch steps.
His anger grows with each passing moment, a grumble that may or may not contain something unkind about his father floating on the wind.
Then he snatches up the container of cookies and jerks the front door open.
“He’s gonna make you pay for that.” I twitch when Jeremy slams his front door shut again. “We weren’t done hanging out.”
Billy drags his hand over his mouth, scratching his stubble, and nodding in response to whatever thoughts pass through his mind. But he doesn’t speak. Not for a full minute. Not for an excruciatingly long sixty seconds.
Maybe he has nothing to say.
Maybe he has nothing to say to me, which is actually somewhat preferable, since I don’t know what the hell I could say back that won’t lead to more pain. More grief. More hurt.
“Listen, Magnolia. I—”
“I’ve scheduled you for a date this Friday night.” I push off my chair and circle the frame, forcing something between us. “Seven o’clock. I still need to reserve a table, but everything else is ready to go.”
“You…” He stares into my eyes, frowning and furious while he works through my words. “What?”
“A date.”
His brows furrow heavily over bright green eyes. “With you?”
“Ah… nope.” I choke out a nervous laugh and begin folding my chair. “Do you remember Luciana Reeves? From school.”
“Lucia—” He shakes his head. “What?”
“Turns out she lives in Barlespy now.” Fake, fake, fake, Magnolia.
Smile and get through it. You’re good at pretending the entire act of existing doesn’t sting.
“I ran into her through work, actually.” But, like, the serving food portion of my work.
Not the dog walking version. Or the grocery delivery version.
Or the virtual assistant version… but then again, I don’t do that one anymore, because having an assistant is a luxury, and luxuries are the first to go when things get tough.
“Luciana is thirty-two. Never married, no divorces. No children…” I push the chair back together and avoid looking into his eyes. “She doesn’t want children of her own.”
“Magnolia—”
“In fact—and she gave me permission to share this with you—the reason she moved away when she did was because her mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They moved to where her dad’s family lived so they could have the extra support during a tough time.
She lived.” I bring my gaze up and stop on his.
“For another ten years, she lived. Which was a miracle in their eyes. Luciana had a bunch of testing done in her early twenties, to see if she was at risk of developing the same cancer, so when things came back the way they did, she and her medical team decided they would clear some of those organs out to mitigate the risk.” I carefully lay the first chair on the ground by my feet, then I move to Jeremy’s and do the same for his.
“She can’t have children. It’s literally impossible. ”
“Please stop, Magnolia—”
“I only mention it because I know pregnancy is a huge fear of yours. I never would’ve brought it up, though, if she didn’t want me to.
I told her about Jeremy, which she responded positively to.
” Finally, I allow a soft smile to curve my lips.
“I told her a lot about him, actually. About how he’s just like you.
She admitted I wasn’t the only second grader with a crush. ”
Billy takes a step my way, his hand extended forward. So I take a step back and fuss with the chair.
“She was intrigued by my job,” I exhale something akin to a laugh. An exhale. A sigh. “I explained my objective as a Love Expert, and described some of the dates I’ve already set you up on. So when I floated the idea of you and her meeting up again, she agreed.”