21. Chapter 21
21
‘ W hat do you mean, you slept together?’ Jess demanded.
The waitress took her time to top up their water and pretended not to listen.
Katie rolled her eyes and glared at Jess. The waitress reluctantly finished pouring the water, gave Katie a knowing look, and then sauntered off.
‘What?’ Jess asked, eyes wide. ‘You took me by surprise. Was this the Italy Effect?’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘You know. You go to Italy. It’s all romantic and beautiful.’ Jess was painting pictures in the air with her hands. ‘It’s warm, you’re hardly wearing anything—’
‘Jess!’
‘You have olives, you have tiramisu, lots of wine, and then… before you know it…’ Jess let her sentence hang and stared at Katie, her expression demanding details.
‘There’s no such thing as the Italy Effect,’ Katie said, chasing a cherry tomato around her plate.
‘The holiday effect then,’ Jess insisted. ‘This is not like you, Katie.’
Katie put down her fork a little forcefully. ‘How do we know what’s like me?’ she retorted. ‘I was with Ryan for over five years. I don’t know what’s like me anymore.’
Jess paused, watching her. ‘How was it?’
Katie felt a smile start to spread across her face and colour bloom over her cheeks. She looked down at her plate, hoping that staring at lettuce and croutons would help her compose herself.
‘Oh my god.’ Jess leaned across the table. ‘Really?’
Katie stopped trying to smother the smile and broke into a broad grin. ‘Yes,’ she said happily.
‘But now…’ She felt the smile fade as fast as it had appeared. ‘I have no idea,’ she scissored her hands to emphasise her point, ‘no idea what it meant. Maybe nothing.’ She shrugged as nonchalantly as she could manage. Jess looked unconvinced by her attempt at casual indifference. ‘Maybe something. He’s a real gentleman, was so considerate the whole weekend. But maybe he’s like that with everyone. I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it. It’s probably just a rebound thing.’
Jess folded her napkin in her lap and reached for her water. ‘Katie, do you want it to mean something?’ she asked quietly.
As Jess’s question ricocheted around her head, Katie’s appetite disappeared. She wasn’t ready to answer that question. She placed her knife and fork on the plate amongst the half-eaten Caesar salad.
The truth was, she had no idea what was happening between her and Tom. They hadn’t spoken since they’d returned from Pisa a week ago, just exchanged text messages. They had both just come out of relationships, both were bruised and still nursing wounds even if their hearts were intact. This, she was sure, was a rebound for both of them. Sleeping together had been a one-off, chianti-fuelled mistake. A fun mistake, sure. A memorable one, one that left her wondering and wanting more, against her self-preservation instincts.
But as a rebound, it had an expiry date—it would go bad soon enough and leave even more damage and pain in its wake to pile on top of the hurt she had already endured in recent months. So it didn’t matter if she wanted it to mean something—it was a castle built in the air, a fantasy that could never be realised.
Jess was watching her from across the table and Katie realised she needed to answer the question.
‘It doesn’t matter what I want,’ she said. ‘You can’t build a successful relationship on the ruins of another one.’
Katie shovelled a forkful of chicken into her mouth. ‘And besides,’ she added, ‘we’re talking as if Tom has any interest in me, and he probably doesn’t so this whole conversation,’ she waved her fork around in front of her, ‘is pointless!’
She swallowed the chicken with some difficulty past a lump that had formed in her throat and grabbed for her water.
There was only one more pact event—the business awards dinner. Might that really be the last time she saw him? Would they shake hands, say thanks for the support, and then fade out of each other’s lives? She shuddered at the thought. And then her brain whirled again.
Jess was studying her, her head tilted to one side.
‘Katie, are you sure it’s this cut and dried? What if you just need some time to get some perspective? I agree that there’s a chance that this is a rebound. But it’s also possible that you just like him…for him. He seems like a really nice guy. And he’s really hot.’
‘Jess!’ Katie mock glowered at her. ‘You’re not helping.’
‘I speak as I find,’ Jess said solemnly. ‘And his arse in those suit trousers—’ She gave a low whistle. ‘If you don’t want him—’
‘Jess!’
Katie smoothed some of the condensation off the side of her water glass and watched the droplets roll down, gathering speed as they went.
‘Fine. Maybe I might want something. Would…want something…possibly. If he was even interested. But that doesn’t take away the rebound factor.’
Jess nodded and laced her fingers together on the table. ‘So, to be clear, you might-would-possibly want something…?’
Katie laughed. ‘Don’t tease me. This is hard.’
‘So you told me,’ Jess said with a wink.
Katie snorted then shook her head, as much to shake her thoughts free, as to stop Jess.
‘I need to speak to him. Clear the air, if nothing else. We’re supposed to be going to this business dinner together in a week. The final part of the pact. I need to speak to him before then, try to see what he thinks. Maybe he’ll think it was a rebound thing too.’
‘Great,’ Jess said, matter-of-factly. ‘So hold up your end of the bargain and go to the dinner—assuming he still wants you to go—then you can work out if you think it’s a rebound thing or if you might-possibly-maybe…’
Katie was shaking her head at Jess when her phone dinged in her bag.
‘Maybe that’s him now.’
She dug into her slouchy bag, feeling her way for the phone.
Katie clicked on the screen. ‘Ugh’
‘What is it?’
‘It’s Ryan.’
Katie sighed and unlocked the phone to read the message.
‘What on earth can that fucker want? Jess glowered. ‘He’s got all his stuff back.’
Katie clicked open the message and felt the blood drain from her face. She lifted her head and locked eyes with Jess.
‘Katie? What is it?’
‘He’s engaged.’
‘Holy fuck,’ Jess exclaimed.
An elderly couple at the table across from them looked across and shook their heads in disapproval.
‘Katie? Katie? What does the message say?’
Katie tried to swallow, but her mouth was dry. She tried to pick up her water, but the glass was slippery with condensation, and she nearly dropped it. Putting her phone down for a moment, she lifted the glass of water with both hands and drained it.
Jess was stock-still, waiting.
Katie picked up her phone, took a breath, and read. ‘Hi Katie, sorry to do this by text, but I wouldn’t want you to hear second hand.’
Across the table, Jess grumbled something inaudible but hostile.
‘I asked Melissa to marry me, and she said yes! We haven’t set a date yet—’
Jess groaned and rolled her eyes.
‘But we have told our families. I hope this doesn’t come as a shock. Melissa wants to share this on Instagram—’
‘Cos that’s the most important thing here,’ Jess spat.
‘So I thought I would let you know. Ryan.’
Katie felt numb. She lay the phone down on the table and stared at it.
‘Fuuucck…’ she said on a long, low out breath.
Jess beckoned the waiter and arranged for two large G&Ts to be brought post haste.
‘Wow, that was fast,’ Katie said. Her palms were clammy. ‘We were together for over five years, and he never asked me. We talked about it sometimes, like in theory. I think … we assumed we would, one day. Or maybe it was just me.’ Her head was whirling. ‘They’ve been together for… how long? Barely three months, officially, anyway.’
Jess reached across the table and squeezed her hand.
The G&Ts arrived, and both Katie and Jess took a long draw.
‘Wow,’ Jess said, with a slow shake of her head.
‘Yep.’
‘You okay?’
‘I think so. Yes. I don’t know. Yes, I mean. I am. I don’t want to be with him but…’
She trailed off and Jess finished her sentence for her. ‘It still hurts.’
Katie paused. ‘I don’t think it’s that, not really. I’m not upset. Not like that. They deserve each other. I mean that. Now that I know what sort of man he is, I am glad to have no part of it.’ She stirred her drink viciously. ‘I suppose I’m just pissed off that he’s getting a happy ever after with his affair partner, and I’m…’
Jess just listened as Katie let the thoughts spill out.
‘It’s funny. Looking back, I can see our relationship became a habit. I didn’t examine it, ever. It was just there. We were… comfortable. We had our routines. We slotted into each other’s lives and families easily. But I’m not sure Ryan was good for me. Not as time went on, anyway.’
She paused and dropped the straw back into the glass. ‘He kept trying to put me back in a box. Nothing I ever did was ever right. Don’t dress too outrageously, he said, don’t wear such bright colours, don’t dress too provocatively, don’t laugh too loud, stop trying to be the centre of attention, don’t tell so many jokes, why did you pick such a messy hobby, you can’t make a living doing that, you know…’ she ran out of breath. ‘Try to fit in and…. and be like everyone else.’
Katie glanced at her phone and saw a notification. She waved the phone at Jess. ‘Here we go.’
Melissa had shared the news on Instagram.
‘My lover man asked me and I said YES!’
It was a picture of her left hand with a small diamond ring on it in the foreground, and she and Ryan clutching one another in the background. There were a bunch of hashtags: #fiancé #engaged #livingmybestlife #estateagentswinning #winningatlife #wegotthis #twobecomeone
‘Ring looks shit,’ Jess said and gurned at the hashtags.
Katie laughed. As she stared at the ring in the picture, the change and loss of the last few months washed over her, cemented by this evidence that that chapter of her life was now well and truly closed. A feeling of sudden quiet calm swelled within her. Her shoulders dropped, her back straightened. It was as if she had been holding onto something too tightly, and now she had let go. Fat tears welled up from nowhere and spilled over her lids and down her cheeks.
‘Oh, Katie.’ Jess leaned over the table, reaching for Katie with one hand and holding her smart cream jumper out of the way of the dirty plates with the other. ‘You don’t deserve this. He’s a dick.’ The elderly couple tutted at Jess’s language. ‘I’ll do more than kick him in the shins.’
‘It’s not that,’ Katie said, as she let the tears fall, welcoming the relief, like someone had released the pressure on a valve.
‘I made myself smaller for him, Jess. I can see that now. All his little comments wore me down, and I stopped feeling like me. Imagine how small my life would have become if we’d stayed together. I might have disappeared entirely, stopped expressing myself. Maybe,’ her fingers went to her throat, ‘maybe in the end, I would have given up on the pottery. Ryan always nagged about it and said it was an expensive waste of time.’
She lifted watery eyes to meet Jess’s gaze.
‘I think I escaped, Jess,’ she said on an out breath. ‘Him cheating on me was the best thing that has happened to me. I don’t know if I would ever have woken up and seen what that relationship was doing to me—what I was allowing to happen. At least not until I had lost many more years. It was like I was sleepwalking. So no—I am not at all sad that they are engaged. They are welcome to each other.’
She stopped suddenly and drew a sharp breath in.
‘But I wonder how Tom is?’