26. Chapter 26
26
J ess brushed off her hands and looked up at the house.
‘I can’t believe you’re really doing this.’
‘I know,’ Katie said, easing another box into the overloaded car. ‘It doesn’t feel quite real. After all this time.’
‘How many more boxes to go?’
‘Not many now. I’ll do this load, then come back for some more stuff later.’ She glanced towards the house, following Jess’s gaze. ‘It feels odd, seeing it so empty.’
‘Mmm, but this is a new chapter,’ Jess said, grabbing Katie’s hand and giving it a squeeze that bordered on painful. ‘Hopefully, an exciting one!’
‘Yes, a new chapter,’ Katie said quietly, flexing her squeezed hand and squatting to sit on the curb in front of the house. She and Jess had spent hours packing, then carefully lugging boxes from the house to the car. Her arms and shoulders ached.
The early autumn sun was warm and soft in the late morning, the kind of sun that was enough to warm you when you were labouring in shorts and a t-shirt but not hot enough to stop the heat leaching from your body if you stayed still too long.
‘I hope it’s a good one,’ she said dolefully. ‘What if it turns out it’s a chapter in a horror story? Or some cautionary tale? Or a maths textbook?’
‘Even if it does, you tried,’ Jess said, laying a folded cardboard box beside Katie and huffing as she lowered herself gingerly down onto the makeshift seat.
They went quiet as they watched a woodlouse navigate its way along the edge of the pavement, bumping into bits of gravel. Katie glanced over her shoulder and eyed her car, back seats flat, boxes crammed into every available corner and crevice, a masterclass in the use of space.
‘The thing I can’t think about…’ Katie buried her face in her hands. ‘Is dragging all these boxes back here and unloading them if this doesn’t work out.’
‘Well,’ Jess said, reaching forwards to brush some debris out of the way of the travelling woodlouse. ‘This really is the only way to find out. So you’ll know soon if this,’ she nodded towards the bloated car, ‘was a good idea or not. There are few things worse in life,’ Jess added then, ‘than having a dream and never taking steps to see if you could make it a reality.’
Katie nodded, feeling the truth of Jess’s words echo in every cell in her body. Looking up at the house, she murmured, ‘A lot of memories in there.’
‘Time to make some new ones,’ Jess said, nudging her in the side.
Katie’s phone vibrated, and she scrambled to squeeze her hand into the front chest pocket of her dungarees to retrieve it. Flipping it over to see who was calling, her shoulders sagged slightly. She looked at the screen for a moment, then clicked it off and dropped it back in her pocket.
‘Not him, I take it?’ Jess said from beside her.
Katie leaned back on her arms and lifted her face to the sun. She didn’t want Jess to see her face.
‘Nope,’ she said, the word a sad little sound strangled in her throat.
Katie heard Jess shift beside her and then felt a poke in her leg. ‘Maybe it’s for the best, Katie,’ Jess was saying. ‘Maybe this was always going to happen, and it’s not a bad thing that it’s happened now before you could get too attached.’
Katie pulled her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms around them. ‘Before I could get too attached? What does this look like?’ She pointed at the tears in her eyes.
Jess reached out and put a hand on Katie’s knee. ‘Oh, Katie. I don’t know what to say.’
‘Fat use you are then,’ Katie retorted, then snickered and sniffed.
Jess laughed. ‘I can always shove him off a wall and kick him in the shins for you?’
Katie started to laugh, then snorted as the release of the laughter jolted something else inside her. Suddenly she was ugly crying, her whole body shaking. ‘The thing is, Jess,’ she wailed, ‘I’m doing this,’ she gestured, flinging an arm at the car, ‘because of him. Because he told me it was possible. Only person,’ she started to hyperventilate, ‘who ever made me feel like my work could be more than a hobby. He literally made me a b-bus-bus,’ she sniffed and dragged her sleeve across her damp face, ‘a business plan.’
Jess scooted closer on her cardboard and wrapped her arms around Katie. ‘I know. Weirdest gift ever.’
Katie gave a short laugh. ‘Best gift ever, Jess.’ She drew a shuddery sigh. ‘Best. Gift. Ever.’ Pulling back, she rubbed her eyes.
‘He showed me what was possible. It helped me believe that I could do more than make pottery, hide it in a garage, and sell it to Mum and her friends for ten quid. He was so interested.’ She sighed and corrected herself. ‘Seemed so interested.’
Quieter now, tears slowing, she said, ‘And now it’s all fucked up.’
Beside her, Jess said, ‘Fucking Ryan fucked it all up with classic timing. Bastard. I still owe him a shin kicking.’
‘You’re so unexpectedly violent,’ Katie sniffed. ‘I love that about you.’
‘Yes, but my bark is worse than my bite. Don’t worry though, I’m working on that.’
‘Of all the nights Ryan could decide he wants to talk. After all these months! Why didn’t I immediately tell him to get out?’
‘Katie, you were half-drunk, half sexed up,’ Jess wiggled her eyebrows, ‘and in total shock to see him there. It was a lot to take in. I’m not surprised you didn’t immediately know what to say.’
‘It was so weird, as well, Jess.’ Katie tipped her head back, closing her eyes against the sun and the tears. ‘I didn’t want him there, but it was also so ordinary to see him there, in that living room. We were together for nearly five years. It’s like the universe is testing me. Here you go, Katie, you could have this amazing guy, but oops, no, too late, you didn’t decide fast enough. He’s gone. Here’s the runner-up prize—your shithead ex-boyfriend!’
A woman with a pushchair and a young daughter wandered by. The little girl stared openly at Katie as they went, craning her head back around to keep looking.
‘Don’t stare,’ Katie heard the mother hiss. ‘That woman doesn’t look well.’
‘Fucking Ryan,’ Jess shook her head.
‘I’ve really fucked this all up.’
Katie hung her head, shoulders drooping. She was exhausted, as if all the drama, heartache, and tension of the past few months had crashed into her all at once.
‘He could have called you back,’ Jess said.
Katie shook her head. ‘He heard Ryan say that we needed to finish our conversation. I saw his face—he knew we’d spoken, knew I hadn’t said anything about Ryan coming up to me at the dinner. He’ll feel like I kept a secret from him. Like I let him down.’
Jess frowned. ‘That sounds pretty unforgiving.’
‘It’s not like that.’ She heard the defensive tone in her voice. ‘He’s just…’ She sighed. ‘He’s had bad experiences before. He’s been let down by people he cares about, and now he…When we first met he told me...’ Katie stopped. She didn’t want to break Tom’s confidence and share his history with Melissa with Jess, or tales of his erratic parents. So she just said, ‘In his experience, when people get a second chance they just let you down again.’
Jess nodded but Katie could see she was unconvinced.
‘I can sort of see it from Tom’s perspective,’ Katie said, playing it through in her head for the umpteenth time. ‘Ryan just waltzed in and walked into the living room like he owned the place. Tom came in from the kitchen, and Ryan said, ‘Hi mate, Katie and I need to finish our conversation from earlier if you don’t mind.’ Tom looked like he minded, and I really minded, but Tom looked at me like he was waiting for me to say what I wanted, and I just stood there in shock. I just remember him saying, ‘Katie?’ Like a question for me to say something, but I just stood there, mute. So he just sort of nodded, picked up his coat and that awful statuette award thing, and left.’
Katie dropped her head into her hands. ‘All I had to do was say, stay. One word would have been enough. But I just stood there.’
She sighed.
‘He’s the most decent guy I’ve ever met. And funny,’ her lip wobbled again. ‘And clever.’
‘And very fucking easy on the eyes,’ Jess muttered.
‘But you know what, Jess,’ Katie sniffed, ‘it doesn’t take much to answer a call or send a text.’
Jess nodded and shifted on her cardboard seat.
Katie was quiet for a moment, then Jess asked, ‘Did you send it to him?’
Katie nodded. ‘It hasn’t been delivered yet. I checked the tracking number.’
She dipped her head then said, ‘ Jess, if he can’t reach out when he gets that, can’t be bothered to even talk to clear the air, draw some sort of line under this, even if he doesn’t want to be…doesn’t want anything…with us… then I am done. ’ She scissored her hands in front of her, slicing sideways through the air.
‘After all we’ve been through together, if he can walk away without a word, leaving me to just wonder what…’ her voice broke and she started to sob. ‘At least I will know I tried, tried what I could. Even if he wouldn’t meet me half way…’ She lifted her hands to cover her face.
Katie felt Jess’s arms slip around her and draw her into a sideways hug. Jess held her tightly, and Katie cried into her hands and wiped her nose on her sleeve and felt some of the pain ebb from her as she leaned into the comforting smell of her oldest friend. Something reliable and constant in a world turned upside down. After a few moments her breathing steadied, and the tears slowed.
‘I wish I could say something to fix it,’ Jess murmured into the top of Katie’s head. ‘But I think this has to play itself out. I don’t even think the threat of shin kicking will help.’
Katie gave a half-laugh and hiccoughed.
Jess kissed Katie on the temple then let her go and pushed herself to her feet, picking up her cardboard bottom-protector as she rose.
‘Come on, Matheson. I have marking to do this afternoon, so if you still want free labour you’d better point me in the direction of what you want doing. I can’t wait,’ she said through gritted teeth, ‘to go and read a bunch of essays butchering history, telling me all about Henry the 6 th and his eight wives, or how Elizabeth the First was the first queen of England.’
Jess shook her head, her sleek bob gleaming in the sunlight. Even for moving boxes, Jess was in cream jeans and a taupe sweater and had somehow managed to stay pristine.
‘Wasn’t she?’ Katie said, wiping her damp eyes as she squinted up from her position on the pavement. ‘The first queen of England?’
Her tired muscles were reluctant to move.
Jess stopped in her tracks. ‘Katie! Seriously? Oh my god, no wonder these kids are so bad,’ Jess said, stomping away towards the garage.
Katie shoved herself to her feet. ‘Jess, seriously, I thought Elizabeth was the first queen of England!’
‘All these years we’ve known each other, and I teach history, and you don’t know basics like that!’
‘You don’t teach history to me !’
‘Which boxes are still to be packed?’ Jess put her hand on her hips, lips pursed, eyebrows raised in a question.
‘These,’ Katie pointed. ‘It’s that plate collection and that vase to go in them.’
Jess started cutting bubble wrap.
‘Was it…Anne Boleyn?’ Katie said tentatively.
Jess put down the scissors. ‘She was queen consort, Katie. Queen consort. Spouses of monarchs are consorts.’
Katie welcomed the distraction of Jess’s almost comedic ire that she knew so little about history. The past few weeks had hurt. With the pact over and not hearing from Tom, she felt like she was breaking up all over again. She had felt listless, struggling to get out of bed, sloping about the house in loungewear, and even going out to the shops in tracksuit trousers instead of her usual bright and perky outfits. She had played that night over and over in her mind. She wished to all that was good and holy that Ryan had never shown up on her doorstep, or that she’d had the presence of mind to tell him to go, or walked over to Tom and simply taken his hand. Instead, she had stood there frozen and mute. And Ryan had said to Tom that he and Katie needed to ‘finish our conversation from earlier.’ Tom knew she had spoken to Ryan and kept it from him. She had seen Tom’s face then, knew that a part of him had shut down then and there.
Tom had taken her silence as a decision, had gathered his things, and left. She couldn’t erase the memory of the expression on his face as he turned in the living room doorway to look back at her. Ryan had chosen that moment to say, ‘Night, mate,’ and waved. And still, her voice had been locked inside her.
And then she would think that maybe he was glad it was over. Maybe it had only ever been a fling to him. Maybe she was in this on her own, fighting for something he didn’t even want. Then, she would remember his words in the kitchen that night.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before, Katie,’
Her stomach would swan dive, her knees would turn to jelly, and she would be as sure as could be that there had been something very real.
A bang as Jess slapped another pile of empty packing boxes down on the workbench brought her back to the present.
‘Okay,’ Katie mused. ‘So it’s not Elizabeth I and not Anne Boleyn—’
‘Or any other spouse,’ Jess interjected.
‘Shall I keep guessing?’ Katie ducked her head to hide a smile as she passed Sellotape to Jess to keep the bubble wrap in place.
‘Please don’t,’ Jess said before snipping the tape neatly with the scissors and lining little pieces of tape up ready along the workbench in the garage.
‘So, are you going to tell me?’ Katie asked, wondering if this conversation was a good idea with so many fragile and breakable items within reach.
Jess stopped with one hand on a vase, which Katie was very proud of.
‘Mary Tudor, Katie,’ Jess said in an exasperated tone. ‘Mary Tudor was the first official queen of England.’
‘Oh yes! I always forget about her.’
Jess huffed something about history forgetting about women, but carried on wrapping the vase with care.
Katie looked around the half-empty garage, the best of her creative efforts of the past few years now carefully packaged and stacked in her car. Excitement, terror, nervousness, and hope all vied for space in her chest as she stood poised to do something she’d barely imagined only weeks ago.