29. Chapter 29
29
I t was hot and crowded, and he shucked off his jacket. People clustered in groups around the exhibitions, pointing and whispering, collecting tickets, and hurrying off to buy. A harassed-looking clerk at the sales desk stood, held her hands up, and said, ‘If we can have just one at a time, please!’
Tom’s eyes took a moment to adjust to the brightness of the exhibition space. The old gallery building covered several floors with interconnected rooms. Starting on the ground floor, he took a breath and started to push through the fray of gabbling art enthusiasts, serious buyers, and the hangers-on there for the drinks.
Making his way around the small rooms off the main space, he passed a throng of people huddled around a life drawing exhibition while the artist and one of her models fielded questions. Another room was filled with abstract acrylics of local landmarks and scenery. Beside them, he found a room of mixed media works, including a huge acrylic and glass piece that took up almost an entire wall. As he turned to continue to walk the periphery of the main room, a group of people who had been lingering awhile moved along, and he saw it.
There, taking up one whole corner of the room, was Katie’s pottery. Mounted on wooden stands, in glass cases, and on two long tables, deep, rich shades of sea blues, sea-foam greens, coppers, bronzes, and rust reds glinted at him. He stepped towards the exhibit, his heart feeling like it might punch out of his chest. Looking around him, Katie was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she had already left.
He hesitated as if looking at her pottery without her there, without her knowing, all while they weren’t speaking, was some kind of betrayal. As if he shouldn’t be fraternising with her pottery behind her back.
The colours drew him in, the rich shades enhanced by the glazes. As he got closer, he could see that over a third of the items had little red stickers on them, showing them as sold. He swallowed. Wow, she was doing well in her very first show.
He edged closer, looking over his shoulder in case Katie appeared. People drifted in and out of the corner of the room, edging around him, pointing at pieces and saying, ‘Ooh, that one is pretty. I like that one.’
Tom was standing now at the edge of the table which marked one corner of Katie’s exhibition area. A little plaque mounted on the wall by each artist’s work told him about the exhibition and the artist. Tom started to read.
Artist: Katie Matheson
Exhibition title: The Pact
Tom’s breath caught in his throat and he re-read the title several times. She had called her exhibition The Pact. Why would she do that?
He blinked as people shuffled around him, clothes rustling, throats clearing, brochures flipping, fingers pointing.
The Pact is Katie’s first exhibition of her work, and it explores what it is to love, err, and lose, yet still hope for resolution. It considers the human capacity for hope, of looking to repair things once more, knowing that there will be more mistakes—more breakages—to come. Katie Matheson’s work is layered, working with multiple colours and glazes to achieve exceptional depth and variety of colour. The kintsugi pieces here represent the hope that what is broken may be repaired and be stronger and more beautiful than before.
Tom felt himself sway where he stood and touched his fingertips to the table to steady himself. He tried to focus on the text once more, but it blurred before his eyes.
He had come here tonight, unsure what he would say. That he may have overreacted, jumped to conclusions, and then been somewhat implacable and unforgiving was now painfully clear to him. He’d used work as a convenient excuse, used the busy work of setting up the new offices to make sure he had no time to think about anything to do with him and Katie.
He didn’t know how she would receive him. Since she had sent the kintsugi dish several days ago, he hadn’t been in touch. And they hadn’t seen each other since the night of the business awards dinner. At least ten times, he had brought up her number on his phone, his thumb hovering over the call button. He had part-drafted a dozen or more messages and even started an email. And then he decided the best thing to do was to speak to her face to face.
Last night, in a strange echo of how they first met, he had driven to her house and sat in his car outside, waiting for her. The house was in darkness, and he had sat there, knees bouncing with nerves. Time was on a go-slow as he waited for her to come home. He lost track of how often he checked the clock, and every minute felt like ten.
Nearly an hour had passed of him stewing in his own misery and fear when her car pulled up, and jerked to a stop on her driveway. His hand went to the car door latch, then stopped when the passenger door swung open. Oh god. His heart stopped.
Ryan.
A small foot clad in a white trainer jutted out, followed by a slim leg wrapped in cream chinos.
No, Jess.
His heart started up again. Jess swung her slim, cream-clad frame out of the car and headed to meet Katie, who was opening the boot.
Katie.
Wearing Doc Martens with hearts on them and sunshine yellow dungarees, her red hair piled in a messy knot on top of her head, she was laughing as she piled boxes into Jess’s outstretched arms. Seeing her for the first time in two weeks felt like a gut punch. He hadn’t realised just how much he had missed her until that moment. Watching as Jess said something and Katie bent double into the boot, laughing, the pain of being on the outside looking in at her was acute. He wanted to be the one making her laugh. He wanted to pull the pins out of her hair and run his fingers through it, then pull her into him, feeling her body press into his.
Katie and Jess disappeared into the garage with the boxes, then the lights downstairs in the house came on.
Tom’s hand fell away from the door latch as he realised that this was not the right time to doorstep her and persuade her to let him apologise and explain.
His hand leaden, he lifted it to the keys in the ignition, started the car, and pointed it homewards.
At home, his fingers hovered over her name in his phone once more. Then he told himself he would try again on Sunday to talk to her in person once the exhibition gala opening was done. He didn’t want to interrupt her night on Saturday. But now here he was, unable to stay away, desperate to see what she had achieved. Desperate to see her.
A familiar voice queried, ‘Tom?’ and he turned to see Jess.
‘Hi,’ he said, glancing behind her for Katie.
‘You look like shit,’ Jess said, crossing her arms.
‘That’s the look I was going for,’ he joked, forcing out a smile. He knew he’d looked better. His five o’clock shadow was edging its way into a beard and his hair was styling itself in multiple directions.
Jess’s expression was cool and assessing. ‘What are you doing here? Mad art collector now, are you? Or a stalker?’
His eyes darted around, looking for Katie, then back to Jess. ‘She’s talking to a buyer,’ Jess said. ‘She’ll be a minute. What do you want?’
Too exhausted to reply with anything other than blunt truth, Tom replied, ‘To see if I can fix my fuck up.’
Jess raised her eyebrows in a question, so he added, ‘I’m sure you know what happened, and I’m sure you think I’m a dick, walking out and burying my head in the sand these past couple of weeks.’ Jess shrugged, letting him continue. ‘And I won’t argue with you. I have behaved in a cowardly and shitty manner. I jumped to conclusions and didn’t think through what it must have been like for Katie, that moment at the house.’ Jess was slow-nodding at him now. ‘I know I’ve fucked up.’
‘So,’ Jess said, taking a step towards him, ‘I’ll ask you again. What do you want?’
Taking a breath, he answered, ‘To tell Katie I love her and want to make her as happy as humanly possible, if she’ll let me.’
‘Hmm. Decent answer,’ Jess said, squinting at him, then glancing over her shoulder. He followed her gaze and caught a glimpse of red hair in the crowd.
‘Alright. I’m giving her a lift home in half an hour. I’ll bring the car round to the taxi rank across the road. Wait out front, and you can talk to her when she leaves, if she wants to talk to you.’
Jess jabbed him in the chest with a sharp-nailed finger.
‘Thank you,’ Tom whispered, squeezing Jess’s tiny shoulders.
She grumbled in response.
A little over half an hour later, Tom heard the laugh he had come to know and adore, and he jumped up from the bench he had been waiting on outside the gallery. Katie was walking down the steps with another woman, another artist, he presumed.
‘Hi, Katie,’ he said as he stepped forward.
She stopped abruptly, her lips parting as she saw him there. ‘Uh, Margaret, you go on, I’ll see you again soon,’ she said to the woman she was with, who air-kissed Katie goodbye and then stalked off.
Katie slowly descended the last few steps until she was facing him a few feet away. She looked glorious, her eyes bright, her hair like a flame around her head, and her lips soft and full. The deep neckline of her dress was not helping his concentration.
‘Did you see the show?’ she asked.
He nodded, his mouth dry as he replied, ‘Katie, it was wonderful. Your work is stunning, and I saw how popular it was.’
‘Yes,’ she stared at him. ‘It went well. I sold over half the pieces I brought to show.’
He smiled. ‘I knew you could do it.’
‘How’s business?’ she asked coolly.
She was giving nothing away—he had no sense of how she felt about seeing him.
‘Good, thanks. Brian emails me every day. Sometimes to tell me I know nothing about loyalty, after all he taught me, other times to ask for a job…’
Katie didn’t laugh. She just nodded. ‘You look tired. I guess it must be hard work.’
‘It is. But that’s not why I’m tired.’ He swallowed. ‘I can’t sleep for thinking about you and about how badly I behaved.’
There was a cavernous pause. Katie’s eyes seared over his face.
He took a deep breath and carried on. ‘I never gave you a chance. I was unreasonable. I reacted on impulse—a bad one. Seeing him there,’ his mouth twisted, and he couldn’t keep the agitation out of his voice, ‘the man Melissa left me for and now there to take away the woman I lo-’
He stopped abruptly.
Katie was watching him closely. ‘The woman you…what? What, Tom?’
He couldn’t say it, not there on the street. He took a step towards her.
‘Katie, I’m so sorry for walking away and pushing you away. I didn’t fully know then how I felt. And even when you gave me the kintsugi plate, it took me a few days to—’ He sighed, ducking his head before meeting her eyes again. ‘To realise I had completely failed to see it from your perspective. I know I have been—I can be—unforgiving. Events these last few months haven’t made that any easier for me to get past. But I do know I am miserable without you.’ He took another step closer to her. ‘I saw the article about this art show, and I saw your name, and I knew I had to see you, talk to you, and see if we can fix this.’
‘It’s your business plan,’ Katie blurted out then, her eyes filling with tears. ‘I’m in there,’ she jabbed a shaky finger in the direction of the gallery lights, ‘literally following this step-by-step plan you gave me…’ She shoved him in the chest, and he caught her hand, but she wrenched it free. ‘You helped me understand what could be possible, made me care about you, and then I made one mistake of judgement, hesitated just once, and you cut me out of your life.’
His stomach turned over.
‘Katie, I am so sorry for disappearing on you. I should have trusted you.’
‘Yes.’ She tipped her chin up, tears running down her cheeks. ‘You should have.’
‘You asked me, in the card, if there was any way we can repair things. I realised I couldn’t answer that question. And truthfully, I don’t think you can, either, Katie.’
Her mouth was pinched, and she took a half step away from him.
‘Then I understood that we don’t need to know if we can repair things—we only need to be willing to try. And Katie, I want to try. If it’s not too late.’
He looked at Katie’s face, guarded and shadowed. His heart sank.
‘Oh god. Am I too late? Did you and Ryan…?’
‘God no!’ Katie broke her silence with a snort. ‘Never in a million years.’
She took a long breath in. Tom could see her shoulders shudder slightly. She ran her fingers down the front of her jacket, her eyes dipped to the ground. Then she lifted her head and looked at him.
‘Tom, I put myself out there after that night. I tried to make things right. I called you, I messaged, but you never replied. And then I sent you the kintsugi dish and still,’ she threw her hands up, ‘you couldn’t even pick up the phone. And I know you were hurt, and I know you find it hard to think that someone could make a mistake and not repeat it, but I’ve realised I can’t be with someone who is so unforgiving, not if it means you disappear every time there’s a problem. I didn’t tell you Ryan spoke to me at the dinner because I didn’t want talking about him to ruin my night with you .’ Her voice was shaking and his arms ached to reach out to her. ‘And then when he showed up at the house, I was in shock, Tom. I didn’t make a decision. I was speechless. Hard to imagine, I know. But I was. I was half-drunk and in shock and speechless that Ryan had shown up like that. And then you left before I could say what I wanted.’
‘What did you want?’
‘For Ryan to fuck off and for you,’ her voice cracked, ‘for you to stay. With me.’ Her voice was a whisper. ‘All night.’
Tom dragged his hands over his face. ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
‘And then I tried to reach out. I called and messaged and even sent you that dish and I heard nothing. Not a whisper. Then you show up tonight, and what? Think you can make it all better? Because now you’ve decided you’re ready ? That’s cruel, Tom. That’s cruel.’
She started to cry. Tom felt like someone had stuck a knife in his belly and was twisting it in.
‘I missed you so much…’ Katie said between tearful breaths.
Tom stepped towards her and reached for her.
‘No!’ Katie stuck out an arm right in front of her, her palm facing him and stopping him from advancing.
‘I missed you, and I did everything I could think of to talk to you and make it right. And I got nothing from you. You just shut down and ignored me. I didn’t feel,’ she choked on her words, ‘I didn’t feel that hurt and lost when Ryan and I broke up.’
Tom felt sick, his heart ached, and he couldn’t remember ever feeling so ashamed and wretched.
‘You left me for days, Tom, for two weeks! Wondering what you were thinking and feeling.’ Her tone shifted. She was still tearful, but now there was a thread of anger in her voice. ‘You never even acknowledged that I sent you that dish. And now you show up on tonight, of all nights!’
‘Katie, I handled it badly. I know that now.’ He grabbed a handful of his hair, pulling at it, trying to will the words to come. ‘I haven’t felt like this about anyone before, and I saw red when I knew Ryan had spoken to you, when I saw him there standing beside you in your living room. I thought maybe you were going to get back together…’
He closed his eyes against the image.
Tom could smell her soft perfume—oh how he had missed that citrus-floral scent. The evening breeze picked up and caught her hair and whipped it out behind her, like a fierce red flame. Her pale skin in the mix of streetlight and moonlight, glowed like she was lit from within. How could he ever have thought he wouldn’t do whatever it took to keep her in his life? He would kneel before her if he had to.
‘Katie, I was stupid, I wish I—’
Her voice was low and furious now. ‘Yes, you were, Tom. How dare you just cut me out like that, after all we went through? Even if you were angry with me.’ Her eyes flashed. ‘Even if you didn’t want to see me again, you owed me a conversation.’
She stepped away from him. The streetlights caught the tears streaming down her cheeks, and he felt like someone was wringing his heart in his chest.
‘You waited too long, Tom. I reached out time and again, and you stayed silent.’ She shook her head, her mouth twisted and she dragged her fingers under her eyes, wiping away the tears. ‘I’m done.’
Then she turned and stalked off, the sequins on her dress glinting in every direction, long, lean legs stretching out before her as she stalked towards a car in the taxi rank. Jess, waiting for her. Katie yanked open the passenger door and slid inside.
Tom stood and watched as the car lights came on, then it started down the road, rounded a corner, and carried Katie out of his life.