Chapter 11
I stared at the acceptance letter to SCAD, spread out on my desk, as if it were a particularly deadly trap. The last barrier had fallen away. Now I had no more excuses. I had the best friends in the whole wide world, and I couldn’t tell them the truth. I couldn’t afford to go to college with them.
So I had been avoiding them for the past week. But Lin and Charisse weren’t people to be ignored. It was like a game of hide-and-seek, and I was the only one who knew we were playing.
My goal was still too far out of reach. It was like the moon. I could see it all the time. It seemed feasible to touch it, if I could just get a bit closer...But reality was very different. I’d never touch the moon.
I zipped up my hoodie, even though the summer sun filtering through the trees outside warmed my bedroom through the window. It was no willow, but I wanted it to be. Needing emotional fortification, I logged into COTSA, and there he was...my Knight in shining armor.
ScarlettSaber: Hey.
Why did I suddenly feel shy? On top of the disappointment, guilt, and despair...
IvoryKnight: Hey. I was just celebrating.
Lin and Charisse were celebrating too, or they had been.
ScarlettSaber: Celebrating what?
IvoryKnight: Come with me.
I could practically feel his hand in mine as he led me to our secret place to be alone. Was it strange that I felt alone with him here and that my whole body was buzzing? At least he couldn’t hear my breathy gasps. The willow strands shifted above our avatars’ heads.
IvoryKnight: I stood up to my parents. Im going to the college of my choice.
My hands tightened on my trackball and keyboard, and I swallowed.
IvoryKnight: SCAD still has a championship team, and I still have to compete. But Im so stoked. It worked!
ScarlettSaber: That’s so great!
I felt happy for him. I did. But my own stomach was now fighting itself. Tears threatened, and my throat tightened.
IvoryKnight: What about you?
I glanced at the viper masquerading as an acceptance letter on my desk, ready to strike at any time. Wait—What? IK was going to SCAD too? That meant—What would I tell him? I bit my lip and typed.
ScarlettSaber: I got accepted to the college of my choice too.
There, it was out. But I hadn’t told him the whole truth. What would I tell my friends?
IvoryKnight: Thats so awesome!
But was it? Was it a good thing when I felt farther than ever from achieving my goal of going there?
And now that I knew IK was planning on going there, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.
About the possibilities in our relationship.
I knew he could be my next-door neighbor, but unless I revealed too much information or met him in person, he—and I—would never know.
I must have taken too long to answer or something. He was a master at reading my emotions with only text to go on.
IvoryKnight: Isnt it? What’s wrong?
And I remembered, it didn’t matter if IK was going to SCAD. The whole-zombie-apocalypse-world could go to SCAD but me.
ScarlettSaber: Im never going to be able to afford to go there.
Im too scared to tell my friends. They have all these plans.
Its just a dream. I’ll probably put it off this semester and promise my friends I’ll join them next semester.
And that will continue on for who knows how long until we drift apart, and they forget about me, and it takes me twenty years to get my degree.
I couldn’t send that. But I already had. Apparently, I had been holding back. Even from myself.
IvoryKnight: So youll just leave it? What happens when school starts?
That was a fair point. They were going to find out. I was just delaying the inevitable. And yet...
ScarlettSaber: What if they hate me?
IvoryKnight: And what if they totally understand? Youll never know unless you tell them. Then you can face whatever happens. Just keep swimming.
ScarlettSaber: Im just desperately hoping some miracle occurs at the last minute so I can afford it and dont have to ever have that conversation.
IvoryKnight: Im sure its not that bad. What about scholarships and loans?
ScarlettSaber: Scholarships hardly touch the tuition fees, let alone books, housing, food, supplies and I cant afford loans. Id never be able to pay them off.
I dropped my head onto my keyboard in defeat. At least I didn’t cry. I knew he was right, but my heart still wavered. The fear was strong in me. Nothing had gone right in a while. Except for making friends, getting this job, and meeting IK and the guys.
Okay, maybe it would be all right. Maybe IK was right, and they would understand. Lin and Charisse would be disappointed, but they wouldn’t break up with me, would they? When I raised my eyes, his response sat waiting patiently for the end of my tantrum.
IvoryKnight: Keep your chin up. Your fairy godmother will appear when you least expect it. As long as you keep believing and filling out those scholarship forms.
I smiled; he always knew just what to say. It didn’t hurt that he’d figured out I was an avid fairytale and princess movie junkie. Things weren’t better, and I still had no idea what to do, but I felt a bit better.
“Molly, your friends are here!” Mom’s voice cut past my headphones and into my private time with IK.
Oblivious to the resolve I had just built up, full panic mode set in.
They’d tracked me down like a zombie in its grave.
I guess hide-and-seek was over. Now the question was if I would tell them or not.
The letter disappeared into the depths of a drawer.
I slammed it shut, said a quick goodbye, and logged off the game before going to greet my guests.
I hadn’t even made it the few steps into the living room when I heard Mom speak again.
“So are you girls excited Molly is going to college with you?”
“What?”
Even Charisse was dumbfounded. I’d never heard her speak only one word before.
All eyes turned to me...Mom knew I’d had the letter for over a week. Well, there was no putting the genie back in the bottle now. I smiled. The worries could wait until later. My stomach might eat itself between now and then, but that was a problem for future Molly.
“Yep. I got accepted too!”
The girls screamed, well, mostly Charisse. Lin made a surprised noise. And both jumped up. We all hugged, and I hoped they couldn’t feel my panic through our touch.
“Can we use your computer to look at the layout of the house again? I want to pick my room. And we should discuss the public areas and what each person’s chores will be and when we will have movie night or study night or...”
Sure. As long as I didn’t log into my bank account so they could see the pathetic number that would give everything away.
I tuned Charisse out because my stomach pains were getting worse.
If only they hadn’t heard that I had been accepted.
Maybe a mistake had been made, and I could back out of everything gracefully.
I couldn’t just tell them I couldn’t afford it because Lin would offer to pay or twist someone’s arm to get me a scholarship, and I couldn’t live with that.
“Ooh yeah. I want that room. It’s closest to everything, and if I sleep in, I can hear you guys, and it will wake me up.
I can just imagine it now, us all living in each other’s pockets.
And that little deck out back would be great for practicing lines from Romeo and Juliet.
I’m warning you guys now that I’m a terrible cook.
I can never seem to make myself follow the instructions in a recipe, and things either turn out really great in a unique way, or terrible—usually terrible. ”
“I was thinking that we could rotate who cooks on Saturdays and have a girls’ night once a week.” Lin looked at me.
Charisse followed suit, and when I didn’t respond right away, she filled the heavy silence.
“Or we could do lunch. Saturday can be a busy night depending on what we get involved in or which job Molly gets. We could even do brunch, or whatever works for all of us, but I like the idea of setting aside time for spending time together. Like a standing weekly date!”
I nodded. Charisse was a great friend to have when two of the group rarely spoke. “I’ll take whatever room is left. I think Lin should get first pick. Lin never dropped my gaze. I could tell she was trying to figure out what was wrong but was having no luck. Turnabout was fair play.
Mom knocked on the door. “You girls want some drinks and snacks?”
“Yeah,” I bounced up like the arms of an undead mob, weak in hit points, yet going for the jump scare.
I pretended to eat and drink as we put something on to watch. I could semi-forget about my troubles for a time. The movie ended, and I walked my friends out without telling them the truth.
THE QUESTION OF THE day was: how was I going to disappoint my friends today?
Honesty weighed on me like the responsibility to carry the team.
I breezed into DragonByte bringing my own swamp with me.
My feet squished in my boots from the sweat, and that was after I had left off the denim jacket.
I felt almost naked without it, but I’d rather be emotionally uncomfortable than die of heatstroke.
Working at DragonByte was a tease of how much I would enjoy being a game dev someday if I ever achieved my dream, while the hopelessness of my situation followed me around like a curse.
I checked in at the front desk as the golden kitty’s arm went up and down endlessly.
I felt like an NPC constantly doing the same things on repeat, pasting on the same smile, yet never actually reaching my goal. Another day, another dollar.
I stared grumpily into space, wiping down an empty station on autopilot.
It was that frustration of trying to defeat an ultimate boss and just dying repeatedly without knowing exactly what you were supposed to be doing and not living long enough to tell if what you were attempting was making a difference.